- The baby Chosen One rolling down a really tall mountain. When he finally rolls to a stop, a passing woman picks him up, says "So cute" and throws him down the mountain again.
Woman: Bye bye!
- The effeminate voice on the goon that approaches Chosen One: "Your days are over, mister."
- The Narrator's speech about two minutes into the movie. Just the way he keeps going on about it.
- The absurd amount of zoom-ins and zoom-outs at the beginning when Chosen One faces a masked bad guy and his minions. It eventually zooms in on Chosen One's nipple for no reason.
- "I need Gopher Chucks!"
- And for added effect, there's a brief close-up of the gophers being swung around while their high-pitched voices squeal.
- The karate class's chant: "Our. Sexual. Preferences. Are. Our. Own. Business!"
- And then later: ONE! OF US! IS WEARING! A PUSH-UP BRA!
Wimp Lo: Who's he?
Man: (mouth moves for a really long time, but no words come out. Finally...) I don't know.
- This scene:
Master Tang: He told me that there would be a Chosen One.(dreamy flashback)Ling's Father: There will be a chosen one. [/flashback]Master Tang: Then he told me of its significance...(dreamy flashback)Ling's Father: It will be significant.[/flashback]Master Tang: And then, he killed the dog.Ling's Father: Herk, *Massive fart*[/flashback]Chosen One: I now officially know TOO much. ...And why are you in bed?
- "Yes, yes. Play me like a drum."
- During Chosen One's training, he is seen using a Bowflex. Other highlights: Doing push-ups by blowing the ground (even the narrator is impressed: "I'll have whatever he's smoking!") and doing a ridiculous amount of flips in the air.
- "Eenie, meenie, miney, mo; I wonder where my glove will go..."
- The Chosen One's introduction to Ling:
Master Tang: By the way, my student Ling here will assist you. Be not concerned of her shyness, for it will pass.Ling: (smiles shyly at Chosen One)Chosen One: (smiles back and gives her a polite nod)Ling: (quickly rips open the front of her shirt, flashing her breasts at him, before closing it again)Master Tang: There you go!
- Pretty much everything associated with Wimp Lo.
Wimp Lo: If you've got an ass, I'll kick it!
Master Tang: I must apologize for Wimp Lo. He is an idiot. We have purposely trained him wrong, as a joke.
- And Master Tang's reason for keeping Wimp Lo around:
- "I'm a man too, you know. I go peepee standing up!"
- "I rock and roll, all night long, sweet Susie!"
- "Leap that wall, if you're so great!"
- The entire fight between Wimp Lo and the Chosen One.
- "Now we'll...learn. WHO'S THE BEST!"
- Wimp Lo, after he gets kicked in the face: "Ha! Face-to-foot style, how'd ya like it?!"
"I'm sure on some planet, your style is quite impressive, but your weak link is, this is Earth!"
- The Chosen One's Deadpan Snarky responses help make that scene:
- "Oh yeah?! Try my-nuts-to-your-fist style!" *gets knocked to the ground* "Ohoho, ahaha, who's laughing now?!"
- At the end of the fight: "I'm bleeding. Making me the victor!"
- The Asian man speaking with a Southern accent.
Man: (drawl) Chosen One! Master Pain's in town! (...) He's meetin' with the Mayor. Ohhhhhh, 'his is bad.
- Master Pain tells a joke:
Master Pain: What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord? (long pause) ....My ass. (laughs, and everyone joins him. Suddenly...) ENOUGH!
- "You will now refer to me by the name, Betty!" And everyone just... does. For the rest of the movie.
- "Easy, we don't want to lose any toes here."
- The scene where
Master PainBetty shows off his secret skill — the ability to resist Groin Attacks.Betty: Towel.
- Then a scene later, the Chosen One's failure to replicate said ability as he's beaten mercilessly with sticks.
- This line:
Ling: Chosen One, I want to help you, but I... I... I... I... I... I...
- Pretty much any time Ling's dialogue just digresses into her making these high-pitched "WEEE-OOOO-WEEE-OOOH" sounds for no apparent reason. Eventually, she and Master Pain- sorry, Betty, just spend half a minute making wordless noises at each other.
- Chosen One meets the one-boobed Whoa, and can't take his eyes off it.
Chosen One: I-I'm sorry?
- "Ohhhhh, Taco Bell, Taco Bell, product placement with Taco Bell."
- "What's the time?" "Hammer Time!"
- "At least cover your mouth! We're all going to catch it!"
- "You'll never make it. Never make it. Never make it. Never make it, never. Don't you see you can't make it?"
- The chosen one's entire fight with Moon Yuu, the cow.
- When Chosen One fights Betty for the first time:
- He really should have listened to that one-boobed chick.
- This scene is also the genesis of one of Betty's catch phrases: "Shirt ripper!"
- "When you girls are done kissing, I HAVE SOME ASS-KICKING FOR YOU!"
- "I'll get the Neosporin. (singing) Neo... BA-DA-DA-DA!... sporin!... BA-DA-DA-DA!"
- Master Tang rubs the injured Ling's Father's chest:
Ling's Father: No no, please. I have a wound there!
Master Tang: Come on, don't spoil everything. This works for both of us, huh?
- In the very next shot, Ling's Father's body is being hauled away to be buried.
- When Ling is mourning her father's demise:
Ling: He was my father my entire life. We were friends, I loved him, and now he's dead. Except for his hair and nails, dead. (quacks)
Ling: TAKE ME, MAN MEAT!... But I don't want you to think I'm a slut.
- Ling keeps taking off and putting on her kimono.
- "You must take your place in the great circle of........ ''stuff''."
- Behold the two symbols. One, over here. The other... over there.
- "This, is CNN. C..... N..... N....."
- "Hey, guys. What's goin' on?" (gets punched)
- The ventriloquists.
"We are both ventriloquists and now we're upside down!""I swing a bit more!""I swing a bit less!"
- "On the life of my dummy, I swear this: I'll never tell you where he is."
- Betty pretending to be a bird.
Betty: I'm just a birdie too!
- I'm a great magician! YOUR CLOTHES ARE RED!
- "This is bad, this is really bad, yourclothesareblack."
- RED CLOTHES!
- "Ohhh...chicken go 'cluck, cluck,' cow go 'moo!' Piggy go 'oink oink,' how about you? Gonna be an animal just like you...lemur go *hiss hiss*, ostrich go, 'Peh!' Koala go *click click click click*..."
- Betty plays "Baby Got Back" as he beats you up. Just ask Master Tang.
- One of Betty's goons tailing Ling, to the other goons: "You go that way, I'll go home."
- "Chosen One!" "I'm coming!" (repeated three times) Very well edited.
- There's an Intermission in this movie. Really.
Wimp Lo: MY NIPPLES LOOK LIKE MILK DUDS!Chosen One: I've Chosen the large tub!Master Tang: I'VE GOT SOME YELLOW LIQUID FOR YOUR POPCORN! And it's non-dairy!
- During Master Tang's fight with Betty, Betty attacks him with claws prompting him to make a choice.
Master Tang: Okay, so, here were my options: A, Quickly duck sideways, dodge the claw and take him out with a spinning back-kick. Or B, take the claw in the face, then roll on the ground, and die.
Takes the claw to the face and rolls over
Master Tang: Hm, should have gone with A.
- The scene where the chosen one discovers everyone dead in the woods, particularly the repeating sudden zoom-in on his face.
Master Tang: (dying) Listen, and listen well. I really like the band *NSYNC. My favorite member is Harpo. I think there's a Harpo; if not, there should be. I will write their next hit, maybe. "A-boom-boom chickie-chickie boom-boom boom-chickie chaka-chaka-choo-choo."
- And this:
- "Just because someone rolls over and goes 'ugh' doesn't mean they're dead!"
- "If you're all alive, then surely Wimp Lo... (flies are heard buzzing off-camera) ...Oh."
- The Chosen One's sissy meltdown when he can't figure out how to pull off Betty's caps (and the narration that accompanies it.)
Ling: Is it better now?Chosen One: ... You just broke a thermometer into my hands.
- Ling trying to heal the Chosen One's hands after they're injured in training.
- The capper to that scene: "You think that's hot? 'Cause I'll SHOW ya hot." She then proceeds to light Chosen One's hands on fire.
- "You have helped me reach the next level. And here, I thought you were just a sadistic psycho-bitch."
- Chosen One contemplates how to defeat Betty:
Chosen One: I could leap like a freak and throw in a back-snapping eel strike.... but he'd have a clear shot at my ribs. I could always pretend I'm a bird... but that would just look stupid, and leave my small, sensitive balls completely exposed. The best approach would be to go for both caps at once. [shows Betty striking Chosen One at his chest] No matter what the tactic, they all have a flaw.
Ling: YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO BEAT HIM NOW!!!
Chosen One: No matter. I have a plan.
- "THAT'S A LOT OF NUTS."
- "Enjoy the Paralyzer! (Betty hits Chosen One's right arm, which becomes useless) Another Paralyzer!" (does the same to the other arm)
- The "What they were Actually Saying" alternate Audio track, turns it into a straightforward(untranslated) kung fu movie with some guy walking around saying things that don't make sense even in English.(With Exceptions)
Chosen One: You are the Pie Man. Your pies are known for miles around.
- There's lip flap and delays to the dialogue throughout the film as part the parody, obviously spoofing poorly-dubbed foreign films, and makes for a good amount of the humor. Even the dog isn't immune to it!
Funny / Kung Pow! Enter the Fist
One of the most slap-happy, lovably stupid movies ever made; of course there's a plethora of notable Funny Moments: