- The baby Chosen One rolling down a really tall mountain. When he finally rolls to a stop, a passing woman picks him up, says "So cute" and throws him down the mountain again.
- The effeminate voice on the goon that approaches Chosen One: "Your days are over, mister."
- The Narrator's speech about two minutes into the movie.
- The absurd amount of zoom-ins and zoom-outs at the beginning when Chosen One faces a masked bad guy and his minions. It eventually zooms in on Chosen One's nipple for no reason.
- "I need Gopher Chucks!"
- And for added effect, there's a brief close-up of the gophers being swung around while their high-pitched voices squeal.
- The karate class's chant: "Our. Sexual. Preferences. Are. Our. Own. Business!"
Wimp Lo: Who's he?
Man: (mouth moves for a really long time, but no words come out. Finally...) I don't know.
- This scene:
Master Tang: He told me that there would be a Chosen One.(dreamy flashback)Ling's Father: There will be a chosen one. [/flashback]Master Tang: Then he told me of its significance...(dreamy flashback)Ling's Father: It will be significant.[/flashback]Master Tang: And then, he killed the dog.Ling's Father: Herk, *Massive fart*[/flashback]
- "I now officially know TOO much."
- ...And why are you in bed?"
- "Yes, yes. Play me like a drum."
- During Chosen One's training, he is seen using a Bowflex. Other highlights: Doing push-ups by blowing the ground (even the narrator is impressed: "I'll have whatever he's smoking!") and doing a ridiculous amount of flips in the air.
- Pretty much everything associated with Wimp Lo.
Wimp Lo: If you've got an ass, I'll kick it!
Master Tang: I must apologize for Wimp Lo. He is an idiot. We have purposely trained him wrong, as a joke.
- And Master Tang's reason for keeping Wimp Lo around:
- "I'm a man too, you know. I go peepee standing up!"
- "I rock and roll, all night long, sweet Susie!"
- "Leap that wall, if you're so great!"
- The entire fight between Wimp Lo and the Chosen One.
- "Now we'll...learn. WHO'S THE BEST!"
- Wimp Lo, after he gets kicked in the face: "Ha! Face-to-foot style, how'd ya like it?!"
"I'm sure on some planet, your style is quite impressive, but your weak link is this is Earth!"
- The Chosen One's Deadpan Snarky responses help make that scene:
- "Oh yeah?! Try my-nuts-to-your-fist style!" *gets knocked to the ground* "Ohoho, ahaha, who's laughing now?!"
- At the end of the fight: "I'm bleeding. Making me the victor!"
- The Asian man speaking with a Southern accent.
Man: (drawl) Chosen One! Master Pain's in town! (...) He's meetin' with the Mayor. Ohhhhhh, 'his is bad.
- Master Pain tells a joke:
Master Pain: What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord? (long pause) ....My ass. (laughs, and everyone joins him. Suddenly...) ENOUGH!
- You will now refer to me by the name, Betty!
- "Easy, we don't want to lose any toes here."
- The scene where
Master PainBetty shows off his secret skill — the ability to resist Groin Attacks.Betty: Towel.
- Then a scene later, the Chosen One's failure to replicate said ability as he's beaten mercilessly with sticks.
- Chosen One meets the one-boobed Whoa, and can't take his eyes off it.
Chosen One: I-I'm sorry?
- "Ohhhhh, Taco Bell, Taco Bell, product placement with Taco Bell."
- "What's the time?" "Hammer Time!"
- "At least cover your mouth! We're all going to catch it!"
- "I implore you to reconsider".
- The chosen one's entire fight with Moon Yuu, the cow.
- When Chosen One fights Betty for the first time:
- He really should have listened to that one-boobed chick.
- This scene is also the genesis of one of Betty's catch phrases: "Shirt ripper!"
- "When you girls are done kissing, I HAVE SOME ASS-KICKING FOR YOU!"
- ONE! OF US! IS WEARING! A PUSH-UP BRA!
- Master Tang rubs the injured Ling's Father's chest:
Ling's Father: No no, please. I have a wound there!
Master Tang: Come on, don't spoil everything. This works for both of us, huh?
- In the very next shot, Ling's Father's body is being hauled away to be buried.
- When Ling is mourning her father's demise:
Ling: He was my father my entire life. We were friends, I loved him, and now he's dead. Except for his hair and nails, dead. (quacks)
Ling: TAKE ME, MAN MEAT!... But I don't want you to think I'm a slut.
- Ling keeps taking off and putting on her kimono.
- "You must take your place in the great circle of........ ''stuff''."
- Behold the two symbols. One, over here. The other... over there.
- "This, is CNN. C..... N..... N....."
- "Hey, guys. What's goin' on?" (gets punched)
- The ventriloquists.
"We are both ventriloquists and now we're upside down!""I swing a bit more!""I swing a bit less!"
- "On the life of my dummy, I swear this: I'll never tell you where he is."
- Betty pretending to be a bird.
Betty: I'm just a birdie too!
- I'm a great magician! YOUR CLOTHES ARE BLACK!
- "This is bad, this is really bad, yourclothesareblack."
- RED CLOTHES!
- "Ohhh...chicken go 'cluck, cluck,' cow go 'moo!' Piggy go 'oink oink,' how about you? Gonna be an animal just like you...lemur go *hiss hiss*, ostrich go, 'Peh!' Koala go *click click click click*..."
- Betty plays "Baby Got Back" as he beats you up. Just ask Master Tang.
- One of Betty's goons tailing Ling, to the other goons: "You go that way, I'll go home."
- "Chosen One!" "I'm coming!" (repeated three times) Very well edited.
- Intermission: "MY NIPPLES LOOK LIKE MILK DUDS!"
- "I'VE GOT SOME YELLOW LIQUID FOR YOUR POPCORN! And it's non-dairy!"
- The scene where the chosen one discovers everyone dead in the woods, particularly the repeating sudden zoom-in on his face.
Master Tang: (dying) Listen, and listen well. I really like the band *NSYNC. My favorite member is Harpo. I think there's a Harpo; if not, there should be. I will write their next hit, maybe. "A-boom-boom chickie-chickie boom-boom boom-chickie chaka-chaka-choo-choo."
- And this:
- "Just because someone rolls over and goes 'ugh' doesn't mean they're dead!"
- The Chosen One's sissy meltdown when he can't figure out how to pull off Betty's caps (and the narration that accompanies it.)
Ling: "Is it better now?"Chosen One: "... You just broke a thermometer over my hands."
- Ling trying to heal the Chosen One's hands after they're injured in training.
Chosen One: You are the Pie Man. Your pies are known for miles around.
- The "What they were Actually Saying" alternate Audio track, turns it into a straightforward(untranslated) kung fu movie with some guy walking around saying things that don't make sense even in English.(With Exceptions)
- The capper to that scene: "You think that's hot? 'Cause I'll SHOW ya hot." She then proceeds to light Chosen One's hands on fire.
- Chosen One contemplates how to defeat Betty:
Chosen One: I could leap like a freak and throw in a back-snapping eel strike.... but he'd have a clear shot at my ribs. I could always pretend I'm a bird... but that would just look stupid, and leave my small, sensitive balls completely exposed. The best approach would be to go for both caps at once. No matter what the tactic, they all have a flaw.
Ling: YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO BEAT HIM NOW!!!
- "THAT'S A LOT OF NUTS."
- "THAT'LL BE FOUR BUCKS BABY! YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?!"
- "HE JUST LEFT, WITH NUTS!"
- "Enjoy the Paralyzer! (Betty hits Chosen One's right arm, which becomes useless) Another Paralyzer!" (does the same to the other arm)