- The baby Chosen One rolling down a really tall mountain. When he finally rolls to a stop, a passing woman picks him up, says "So cute" and throws him down the mountain again.
Woman: Bye bye!
- The effeminate voice on the goon that approaches Chosen One: "Your days are over, mister."
- The Narrator's speech about two minutes into the movie. Just the way he keeps going on about it.
- The absurd amount of zoom-ins and zoom-outs at the beginning when Chosen One faces a masked bad guy and his minions. It eventually zooms in on Chosen One's nipple for no reason.
- "I need Gopher Chucks!"
- And for added effect, there's a brief close-up of the gophers being swung around while their high-pitched voices squeal.
- The karate class's chant: "Our. Sexual. Preferences. Are. Our. Own. Business!"
- And then later: ONE! OF US! IS WEARING! A PUSH-UP BRA!
Wimp Lo: Who's he?
Man: (mouth moves for a really long time, but no words come out. Finally...) I don't know.
- This scene:
Master Tang: He told me that there would be a Chosen One.(dreamy flashback)Ling's Father: There will be a chosen one. [/flashback]Master Tang: Then he told me of its significance...(dreamy flashback)Ling's Father: It will be significant.[/flashback]Master Tang: And then, he killed the dog.Ling's Father: Herk, *Massive fart*[/flashback]Chosen One: I now officially know TOO much. ...And why are you in bed?
- "Yes, yes. Play me like a drum."
- During Chosen One's training, he is seen using a Bowflex. Other highlights: Doing push-ups by blowing the ground (even the narrator is impressed: "I'll have whatever he's smoking!") and doing a ridiculous amount of flips in the air.
- "Eenie, meenie, miney, mo; I wonder where my glove will go..."
- The Chosen One's introduction to Ling:
Master Tang: By the way, my student Ling here will assist you. Be not concerned of her shyness, for it will pass.Ling: (smiles shyly at Chosen One)Chosen One: (smiles back and gives her a polite nod)Ling: (quickly rips open the front of her shirt, flashing her breasts at him, before closing it again)Master Tang: There you go!
- Pretty much everything associated with Wimp Lo.
Wimp Lo: If you've got an ass, I'll kick it!
Master Tang: I must apologize for Wimp Lo. He is an idiot. We have purposely trained him wrong, as a joke.
- And Master Tang's reason for keeping Wimp Lo around:
- "I'm a man too, you know. I go peepee standing up!"
- "I rock and roll, all night long, sweet Susie!"
- "Leap that wall, if you're so great!"
- The entire fight between Wimp Lo and the Chosen One.
- "Now we'll...learn. WHO'S THE BEST!"
- Wimp Lo, after he gets kicked in the face: "Ha! Face-to-foot style, how'd ya like it?!"
"I'm sure on some planet, your style is quite impressive, but your weak link is, this is Earth!"
- The Chosen One's Deadpan Snarky responses help make that scene:
- "Oh yeah?! Try my-nuts-to-your-fist style!" *gets knocked to the ground* "Ohoho, ahaha, who's laughing now?!"
- At the end of the fight: "I'm bleeding. Making me the victor!"
- The Asian man speaking with a Southern accent.
Man: (drawl) Chosen One! Master Pain's in town! (...) He's meetin' with the Mayor. Ohhhhhh, 'his is bad.
- Master Pain tells a joke:
Master Pain: What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord? (long pause) ....My ass. (laughs, and everyone joins him. Suddenly...) ENOUGH!
- "You will now refer to me by the name, Betty!" And everyone just... does. For the rest of the movie.
- "Easy, we don't want to lose any toes here."
- The scene where
Master PainBetty shows off his secret skill — the ability to resist Groin Attacks.Betty: Towel.
- Then a scene later, the Chosen One's failure to replicate said ability as he's beaten mercilessly with sticks.
- This line:
Ling: Chosen One, I want to help you, but I... I... I... I... I... I...
- Pretty much any time Ling's dialogue just digresses into her making these high-pitched "WEEE-OOOO-WEEE-OOOH" sounds for no apparent reason. Eventually, she and Master Pain- sorry, Betty, just spend half a minute making wordless noises at each other.
- Chosen One meets the one-boobed Whoa, and can't take his eyes off it.
Chosen One: I-I'm sorry?
- "Ohhhhh, Taco Bell, Taco Bell, product placement with Taco Bell."
- "What's the time?" "Hammer Time!"
- "At least cover your mouth! We're all going to catch it!"
- "I implore you to reconsider".
- The chosen one's entire fight with Moon Yuu, the cow.
- When Chosen One fights Betty for the first time:
- He really should have listened to that one-boobed chick.
- This scene is also the genesis of one of Betty's catch phrases: "Shirt ripper!"
- "When you girls are done kissing, I HAVE SOME ASS-KICKING FOR YOU!"
- "I'll get the Neosporin. (singing) Neo... BA-DA-DA-DA!... sporin!... BA-DA-DA-DA!"
- Master Tang rubs the injured Ling's Father's chest:
Ling's Father: No no, please. I have a wound there!
Master Tang: Come on, don't spoil everything. This works for both of us, huh?
- In the very next shot, Ling's Father's body is being hauled away to be buried.
- When Ling is mourning her father's demise:
Ling: He was my father my entire life. We were friends, I loved him, and now he's dead. Except for his hair and nails, dead. (quacks)
Ling: TAKE ME, MAN MEAT!... But I don't want you to think I'm a slut.
- Ling keeps taking off and putting on her kimono.
- "You must take your place in the great circle of........ ''stuff''."
- Behold the two symbols. One, over here. The other... over there.
- "This, is CNN. C..... N..... N....."
- "Hey, guys. What's goin' on?" (gets punched)
- The ventriloquists.
"We are both ventriloquists and now we're upside down!""I swing a bit more!""I swing a bit less!"
- "On the life of my dummy, I swear this: I'll never tell you where he is."
- Betty pretending to be a bird.
Betty: I'm just a birdie too!
- I'm a great magician! YOUR CLOTHES ARE RED!
- "This is bad, this is really bad, yourclothesareblack."
- RED CLOTHES!
- "Ohhh...chicken go 'cluck, cluck,' cow go 'moo!' Piggy go 'oink oink,' how about you? Gonna be an animal just like you...lemur go *hiss hiss*, ostrich go, 'Peh!' Koala go *click click click click*..."
- Betty plays "Baby Got Back" as he beats you up. Just ask Master Tang.
- One of Betty's goons tailing Ling, to the other goons: "You go that way, I'll go home."
- "Chosen One!" "I'm coming!" (repeated three times) Very well edited.
- There's an Intermission in this movie. Really.
Wimp Lo: MY NIPPLES LOOK LIKE MILK DUDS!Chosen One: I've CHOSEN the large tub!Master Tang: I'VE GOT SOME YELLOW LIQUID FOR YOUR POPCORN! And it's non-dairy!
- During Master Tang's fight with Betty, Betty attacks him with claws prompting him to make a choice.
Master Tang: Okay, so, here were my options: A, Quickly duck sideways, dodge the claw and take him out with a spinning back-kick. Or B, take the claw in the face, then roll on the ground, and die.
Takes the claw to the face and rolls over
Master Tang: Hm, should have gone with A.
- The scene where the chosen one discovers everyone dead in the woods, particularly the repeating sudden zoom-in on his face.
Master Tang: (dying) Listen, and listen well. I really like the band *NSYNC. My favorite member is Harpo. I think there's a Harpo; if not, there should be. I will write their next hit, maybe. "A-boom-boom chickie-chickie boom-boom boom-chickie chaka-chaka-choo-choo."
- And this:
- "Just because someone rolls over and goes 'ugh' doesn't mean they're dead!"
- "If you're all alive, then surely Wimp Lo... (flies are heard buzzing off-camera) ...Oh."
- The Chosen One's sissy meltdown when he can't figure out how to pull off Betty's caps (and the narration that accompanies it.)
Ling: Is it better now?Chosen One: ... You just broke a thermometer into my hands.
- Ling trying to heal the Chosen One's hands after they're injured in training.
- The capper to that scene: "You think that's hot? 'Cause I'll SHOW ya hot." She then proceeds to light Chosen One's hands on fire.
- "You have helped me reach the next level. And here, I thought you were just a sadistic psycho-bitch."
- Chosen One contemplates how to defeat Betty:
Chosen One: I could leap like a freak and throw in a back-snapping eel strike.... but he'd have a clear shot at my ribs. I could always pretend I'm a bird... but that would just look stupid, and leave my small, sensitive balls completely exposed. The best approach would be to go for both caps at once. No matter what the tactic, they all have a flaw.
Ling: YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO BEAT HIM NOW!!!
- "THAT'S A LOT OF NUTS."
- "Enjoy the Paralyzer! (Betty hits Chosen One's right arm, which becomes useless) Another Paralyzer!" (does the same to the other arm)
- The "What they were Actually Saying" alternate Audio track, turns it into a straightforward(untranslated) kung fu movie with some guy walking around saying things that don't make sense even in English.(With Exceptions)
Chosen One: You are the Pie Man. Your pies are known for miles around.
- There's lip flap and delays to the dialogue throughout the film as part the parody, obviously spoofing poorly-dubbed foreign films, and makes for a good amount of the humor. Even the dog isn't immune to it!
Funny / Kung Pow! Enter the Fist
One of the most slap-happy, lovably stupid movies ever made; of course there's a plethora of notable Funny Moments: