Funny / Diamonds Are Forever

http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/diamonds_are_forever_733.jpg

The Film

  • As the assassins begin their killing spree to close down the smuggling ring:
    (Helicopter explodes)
    "If man were meant to fly, Mr. Wint..."
    "...He would've been born with wings, Mr. Kidd."
    (The two hold hands and practically skip away together)
  • Bond's introduction to one of the more ludicrously named Bond girls:
    "I'm Plenty."
    "But of course you are..."
    "Plenty O'Toole."
    "Named after your father, perhaps?"
  • "Well, I'm afraid you've caught me with more than my hands up."
  • Bond takes Plenty O'Toole up to his hotel room, only to find Blofeld's goons waiting for him. One of them throws Plenty out the window after she takes her clothes off, and she lands in the pool wearing nothing but her purple high heels and her pink panties - with Plenty protesting from start to finish as her sexual humiliation is played for laughs ("I've got friends in this town!).
    Bond: Exceptionally fine shot, sir.
    Henchman (genuinely stunned): I didn't know there was a pool down there.
  • While Blofeld is demonstrating his laser: "As you can see, it's currently over Kansas. Of course, if we destroy Kansas, the world may not hear about it for years."
    • And then his suggestion that they destroy New York City because of all the smut and traffic, so "they can start anew."
    • When Bond shows up, Blofeld dryly states "Surely you haven't come to negotiate, have you? Your pitiful little island hasn't even been threatened."
  • The classic when Blofeld spots Tiffany with the copy tape stuck in her bikini bottom.
    Blofeld: Showing a bit more cheek than usual, my dear.
  • Bond's introduction to Bambi and Thumper.
  • When Bert Saxby tries to sneak up and shoot Will White, and is gunned down for his efforts:
    Bond: Saxby...
    White: Bert Saxby??
    Bond: Yeah.
    (Bond slowly turns, glancing straight at the camera)
  • Bond is trapped in a pipeline with a rat, after having accidentally covering himself in Mr. Wint's perfume. James, to the rat: "Well, one of us smells like a tart's handkerchief. [sniffs] I'm afraid it's me. Sorry, old boy."
  • Bond using the crane to turn Blofeld's "Batho-sub" into a wrecking ball.
    Blofeld: Lower! Not UP!
  • The transition from Slumber, Inc. to a much-needed hot bath for James Bond:
    Shady Tree: Where the hell do you think you're going?
    James Bond: I hear that the Hotel Tropicana's quite comfortable. My condolences, gentlemen!
    [Morton Slumber slams the lid of the now-charred casket in disgust. Cut to Bond in the hot tub while on the phone with Felix Leiter]
    James Bond: Hello, Felix. Oh, very comfortable.
  • Earlier, before James Bond departs for Slumber, Inc. in the mortuary hearse with the waiting black suits, Felix Leiter does a courtesy inspection of the body to be burned and can't for the life of him figure out where the diamonds are. After Bond tells him, he swaps the diamonds for some convincing phonies offscreen before authorizing the delivery of the cargo to Slumber, Inc.
    Felix Leiter: I give up. I know the diamonds are in the body, but where?
    James Bond: Alimentary, Dr. Leiter.
  • "You don't just kill James Bond and wait for the cops to arrive!" Of course, Bond isn't really dead - he just placed his membership card to the Playboy Club onto a smuggler he was impersonating - but Tiffany's reaction is just priceless.
    • For that matter, the fact a small-time smuggler would know Bond's identity is hilarious (though understandable, given he constantly introduces himself by his real name).
  • When Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd trail Bond and Tiffany on the plane to Los Angeles, the latter quips "I must say, Miss Case seems quite attractive... for a lady." Wint turns to Kidd and gives a humorously disapproving look.
  • The "brother" scene, as James Bond, disguised as Mr. Franks, is taken to Slumber, Inc. by black suits under the employ of its funeral director, Morton Slumber.
    Hearse Driver: The, uh, stiff... [clears throat] the deceased back there... your brother, Mr. Franks?
    James Bond: Yes. He was.
    Random Black Suit: I've got a brother!
    [Beat]
    James Bond: [smiling] Small world.
  • This subtle gem as Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd prepare their final attempt to kill an unsuspecting Bond and Tiffany with dinner aboard the cruise ship.
    Mr. Kidd: (After having timed a bomb inside a fake cake) This will only take a few moments, and then we will leave you in peace.
  • Not to mention the clever method by which Bond smokes out the two assassins at the dinner service.
    Bond: The wine is quite excellent. Though for such a grand meal, I'd have rather expected a claret.
    Mr. Wint: Of course, sir. Unfortunately, our cellar is rather poorly stocked with clarets.
    Bond: Mouton Rotheschild is a claret. (Mr. Wint adjusts his bowtie) And I've smelled that aftershave before, and both times, I've smelled a rat.
  • While Bond is getting his briefing, he delivers a typical critique on the quality of the brandy being served - when he professes little knowledge on diamonds, M snorts "Refreshing to hear that there is one subject you're not an expert on!"
  • Shady Tree's Villainous Rescue of Bond, coming hard on the heels of a genuinely frightening near death moment for Bond is Mood Whiplash at its finest.
    [The lid to the casket 007 is roasting alive in cracks open and the Creepy Awesome Ominous Latin Chanting music instantly cuts out, and the crankiest old fart you can imagine leans over and glares down at Bond]
    Shady: You dirty double-crossing Limey fink, those Goddam diamonds are PHONIES!
    Bond: [gets up and sees Shady in front of him, not recognizing the face] Now don't tell me — you're Saint Peter?
  • Shady Tree's demise. Wint and Kidd come to his dressing room and the old guy barks a self-aware lampshading of washed-up comedians everywhere....
    Wint: Shady Tree! [both walk down stairs into the dressing room] Shady, we just adored your act!
    Kidd: What taste, style!
    Wint: And we have just a few suggestions.
    Shady: Critics and material I don't need! I haven't changed my act in forty years!
    [then once the deed is done]
    Saxby: Hold it! Don't go in there! We didn't get the real diamonds, so we need Tree, alive.
    Kidd: That's most annoying.
  • Mr. Wint & Mr. Kidd....PERIOD! Sure; They may be genuinely ruthless, sadistic and effective assassins. Sure; They may be portrayed in a rather problematic fashion as a heavily-implied gay couple note . However; they're probably the most interesting, likeable and genuinely amusing thing in the entire movie. They look like clones of Rich Little and David Crosby and come off as something out of a Warner Brothers or Hanna Barbera cartoon.
  • Bond to some pipeline workers on having just survived Wint and Kidd's second attempt on his life:

The Novel

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Funny/DiamondsAreForever