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- Anything Leon says.
- Anytime Susie gets pissed off.
- Anytime Larry stares at someone to see if they're lying.
- Larry talking to his reflection.
- "The Pants Tent": Richard Lewis gets into an argument with Larry and threatens that he better call him by sundown. Larry is amused by this and snarks, "By sundown? What are you, Gary Cooper?" Lewis smiles and replies, "That's funny. I'm trying not to laugh, but that's funny. You better call me by sundown." Larry continues: "By sundown? And is a posse gonna come get me?"
- "Beloved Aunt": The obituary typo of "aunt".
Jeff: You gotta go.
- When Larry spends the night at Jeff's, he is mistaken for feeling up Jeff's mom, and when Jeff finds out, he wakes up Larry:
Jeff: You gotta go.
Larry: What are you talking about?
Jeff: You felt up my mom, you gotta go.
Larry: I copped a feel off your mom?! What are you saying to me?
Jeff: She was moping around. I'm saying, "What's the matter?" She said, "Larry touched my bosom for several seconds."
Larry: You schmuck! Listen to me for a second! We're in the kitchen. She wanted to try on the sunglasses again. She was looking in the toaster and I was holding the toaster she wanted to get a better look at her face in it and she leaned against the back of my hand and so, I didn't want to just turn, I didn't want to hurt her feelings by taking it away fast.
Jeff: I'm sorry. She's all freaked out. You gotta go.
Larry: Are you kicking me out?
Jeff: All right, look, set the alarm. Do you know how to set the alarm?
Larry: (incensed) She rubbed up against the back of my hand!
Jeff: I believe you, it's not about that!
Larry: You think I feel up old ladies?!
Jeff: It's not about that. You gotta get out of here at 7:00 in the morning.
Larry: I'll be out of here early in the morning.
Jeff: Grab a bagel from the kitchen and get out.
Larry: I won't grab anything, I'll just walk out. Your mother thinks I touched her breast? That is so sick.
Jeff: It's what she thinks, what can I say? Sweet dreams.
Larry: Sweet dreams. I'll dream about fucking your mother.
- In "The Interior Decorator", the titular decorator starts a fight with Larry. In the struggle, they end up on the floor with Larry on top of her. She proceeds to make out with him.
- "Thor", pretty much all of it. Some context: Jeff is annoyed that his wife (whom he's currently separated from) has all this dirt on him that she can tell her friends, especially material related to the bedroom. Larry says this is why he doesn't reveal any of his own fetishes to Cheryl, for fear that she will use them against him should their relationship turn sour. One day, Larry is driving and he sees Wanda Sykes out walking, so he yells "I'd know that tush anywhere!" This comment comes back to haunt him later, as Cheryl accuses Larry of saying Wanda has a fat ass. Larry defends his comment, as he didn't mean anything derisive about it, and would say the same if she had a small ass. Cheryl then wonders if Larry has a big ass fetish, which Larry vehemently denies, as he doesn't want Cheryl to have any dirt on him. Things get even funnier when Wanda visits the two and busts his chops about his comment, essentially calling him an ass-loving pervert.
- To say nothing of the subplot where a pro wrestler (which the episode is named after) hassles Larry about making faces and gestures to his kids, and Larry gets even by telling Thor's kids that wrestling is fixed.
- FREAK YOU!
- "The Doll": Pretty much the funniest Susie moment of the series, when Larry and Jeff take the head off Sammi's doll to replace one that Larry cut the hair off of:
Susie: Where's the head? I know you took the doll's head. Where is it? Where's the fucking head?
Jeff: I don't know.
Susie: The kid is home, hysterical because her doll, Judy, has been DECAPITATED, 'cause you two sickos took the head for God knows what reason, some voodoo shit you're doing. Where is it?
(Larry hesitantly scratches himself)
Susie: Stop scratching your balls and tell me where it is! (pause) Just get me the fucking head, all right? Both of you, 'cause I've had it, you four-eyed fuck, and you fat piece of shit! GET ME THE HEAD!!!
- What ends the episode:
- In "Shaq", Larry wants Shaq's doctor to look at something on his back without making an appointment:
Doctor: What do you do for a living?
Larry: I'm a writer.
Doctor: Next time you're in a big hurry, why don't you write me a bunch of shit for free?
- Late in the episode, Larry is in a good mood because he doesn't have to write a passage for a birthday book, so he orders a "vanilla bullshit" at Starbucks, then when Jeremy tells him he doesn't have to write his letter of recommendation, Larry orders coffee and donuts for the entire restaurant.
- "The Baptism": See if this were yours, it would say "fucking douchebag".
- "Benadryl Brownie": After Larry fires a black man who would get his TV to work, he's complaining about it in front of guests. Wanda Sykes calmly walks up to his TV and tells him that he needs to turn the satellite on.
Wanda: See the little green light? Just gotta turn it on. Or you can fire the black man. Whatever works for you.
- "Club Soda & Salt": Larry is indifferent on the chef that Ted Danson wants for the restaurant, and has to be the one to say he didn't get the job. Larry's lame reason? The food's "a little saucy."
Chef Josh: I guess dessert's out of the question.
Larry: No, I'll still take dessert.
Jeff: I'll take dessert too.
- "The Special Section": Larry David acting in an amazingly accurate parody of Martin Scorsese mobster flicks.
- Larry refuses to take a house tour in "Krazee-Eyez Killa":
Susie: So come on, I'll give you the tour.
Larry: You know what? that's okay. I get it.
Susie: What do you mean?
Larry: You know, it's bedrooms, bathrooms I get it. I see it, it's beautiful, it's great.
Susie: You don't want a tour?
Larry: You don't need to walk me around.
Susie: Get the fuck out of my house, okay? Get the fuck out right now!
Larry: All right, fine, I'll take the house tour.
Susie: No, no, I'm done, I'm over it. I'm turned off. Leave! Get the fuck out, okay? Freak of fucking nature, doesn't want a house tour.
Larry: Susie, I'll take the house tour!
Susie: No, no! No tour for you!
- "The Grand Opening": Fuck you, you car wash cunt!
- Boy cock girl cock E I E I O.
- "The Weatherman": The following:
Jeff: What happened to you?Larry: I fell in the toilet.Jeff: How'd you fall in the toilet?Larry: I went to go pee and the seat was up.Jeff: What does that have to do with you?Larry: I pee sitting down.Jeff: You pee sitting down?Larry: Yeah. Have you ever tried it?Jeff: No!Larry: It's more comfortable, when you get up during the night you don't have to turn the light on and wake up, and you get to read.Jeff: What are you reading?Larry: I'm reading a lot of stuff.Jeff: What stuff?Larry: If I pee twenty times during the day I can get through the whole New York Times for god sake.Jeff: Twenty times?Larry: Yeah. Hey buddy, when you're peeing all over your shoe I'm learning something!
Marty: Why do you pee sitting down?Larry: Many reasons.Marty: You crap standing up?
- And later:
- From "The Car Pool Lane" every scene with the prostitute Monena.
- A Holocaust survivor and a contestant from the TV show Survivor having an argument over who had it rougher.
- In "The Larry David Sandwich", Larry tries to switch sandwiches with Ted Danson, who doesn't want to go through with it.
Larry: Instead of ordering a Ted Danson, people go and order a Larry David. What's the difference?
Ted: One tastes good, and one sucks!
Susie: Now, maybe you'll start to be more respectful to people, treat people better.
- When Larry's telling his story at the beginning of almost drowning:
Larry: What are you talking about? I'm respectful to people.
Susie: (not buying it) Egh.
- In "The Bowtie", Marty to Larry: "We were trying to recreate what happened 25 years ago and I said "Larry, would you like to make a toast and someone said Larry David went home to take a shit."
- The big vagina.
- From "Ski Lift" Larry's response to the Jewish women telling him he has to jump off the broken down ski lift because she can't be with him after sundown is a stare and "What are you fuckin nuts?"
- In "Meet the Blacks", Marty Funkhouser serves up an extremely good chocolate cake to Larry and Cheryl. They go to the bakery where he bought it to get one for themselves... and find out that it's an erotic bakery and the cake in question is shaped like a big black penis.
Larry: I ate that?
Baker: Yes. You ate this cake.
Larry: Funkhouser... he knowingly served us penis!
- In "The Anonymous Donor":
Anna the dry cleaner: I'll have your semen-covered blanket ready on Wednesday!
- In "The Ida Funkhouser Roadside Memorial", after Larry screws up Sammi's college prospects:
Jeff: Oh, you know what? You have ruined my life! You have ruined my life! I have to live with this now!
Susie: Oh, you bet he does.
Jeff: Oh, you hear that?! I am FUCKED! And you FUCKED me! HARD!
Marty: Is that what it looked like when you stole it?
- When Larry tries to return Ida's flowers to Marty, which are damaged:
Marty: Yeah, big problem.
Larry: No good?
Marty: No good, no.
Larry: Well, that's that's the way I got 'em. Come on, what's wrong?
Marty: They should all stand up. That's what flowers do when they're healthy.
(Larry is picking up flower petals)
Marty: Stop picking up the petals, okay?
Larry: Well, I don't want to make a mess in your house.
Marty: Don't worry about it. You made enough of a mess.
- In "The Lefty Call", the fight between Larry and Richard Lewis over who has a healthier colon, which erupted after Larry's bathroom habits were discussed.
Richard: You're shitting and pissing almost seventy times a week!
- Larry and Jeff (and later, John McEnroe) getting a little too much joy out of the "freak book".
- Larry's speech at Sammie's bat mitzvah.
You know, I've known Sammie since she was born, actually. I was in the hospital, remember? I was in the hospital that day and I saw her when she was, like, five minutes old. It was not a pretty sight for me. It was the first time I ever saw one of those things, you know. Um, anyway, what I really want to talk about tonight is that there's a guest here spreading a vicious, nasty, scurrilous rumor about me and a gerbil. Okay? I'm sure you've heard it. And there's not a word of truth to it, okay? He has a personal vendetta, so don't believe one word of that. It's not true. However, in the interest of full disclosure I will tell you that, um, I do have a tickle in my anus.
- Marty's crazy sister Bam-Bam was full of hilarious non-sequiturs in the one episode that she was in.
- The last words from Auntie Rae when she and the family (save Leon) leave for good in "Vehicular Fellatio":
Auntie Rae: Fuck you, Larry David, that's some bullshit!
- In "The Reunion", after Jeff tells Larry not to go off on Sandy Goodman (who gave them lousy seats at the basketball game AND screened his cell phone call), Larry approaches Sandy, who asks him if he enjoyed the game. Larry says, "Well..." Smash Cut to Jerry's office...
Jerry: You told the head of NBC to go fuck himself?!
- In "Denise Handicap", Larry and Ted Danson fighting over whether Larry will eat the pie he gave him.
Ted: Y'know something? I heard Rosie O'Donnell beat the crap out of you.
Larry: Oh really? That's bullshit!
Ted: (mocking) Rosie beat the crap out of you! You big sissy, you big fucking sissy!
- From the ending of the "Bare Midriff" the scene where Larry prevents himself from falling to his death by grabbing his secretary's fat belly.
- "The Black Swan": The argument between Norm (who's taking way too long to retrieve his golf ball) and an impatient Larry, which ends with this exchange:
Norm: Hey, how's your wife?
Larry: Fuck you, Norm!
- From "Officer Krupke": Larry's "KRUP YOU!" out the car window misheard as "FUCK YOU!", prompting a girl and her mother to call the police.
- Jeff in a neckbrace: "Larry, you have to tell Susie I was in a car accident!"
- "The Table Read": Marty Funkhouser's joke.
- "Mister Softee": Larry's date having an orgasm from the rattling car seat while Larry rambles obliviously about nuts.
- Later in that episode, Susie ends up on the same seat...
- Leon, from the last episode of season 8: "Michael J. Fox bout to be Michael J. fucked up in a minute."
Larry: Did you shake up that soda on purpose?!Michael: ...Parkinson's.
- The Crossing the Line Twice usage of Fox's Parkinson's for jokes, such as giving Larry a shaken soda to spill over himself.