Funny / Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War

Unmarked spoilers below.

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Campaign

Not one of Woods' proudest moments.

• During the mission “Fracture Jaw”, Adler sees Sims, casually sitting on the passenger side of his team’s helicopter, and he catches him reading a dirty magazine...and lo and behold, they have a colorful exchange.
  Adler: Hey Sims! You know reading that shit’s gonna make you go blind.
  Sims: Yup! That’s why I want it all up here. (Points into his head)
  • Also, Adler happens to look a bit too long at the Magazine. Whatever that implies.
• This Conversation in the Hub section between Bell and Lawrence Sims preceding 'Brick in the Wall',
  Sims: You see, I've got a list of connections longer than the Great Wall. Adler needs it, I procure it- no exceptions.
  Bell: What if I asked for a flamethrower ?
  Sims: Sure I could get that, no problem.
  Bell: What about a recoilless rifle ?
  Sims: Easy. I can have that in house by next week.
  Bell: How about a custom-built twin-engine attack helicopter?
  Sims: Huh, clever. But I wasn't joking earlier. That's a hell of a request, but give me enough time and I can have one parked outside.
  Bell: I'll take it all.
  Sims: Okay. Now how are you going to pay for that ? Last I heard, Adler runs the checks around here. Unless you've got a suitcase full of cash, I'm going to have to consider your request null and void.
• In the mission "Redlight, Greenlight" you can play some of the classic Activision arcade games in the Spetsnaz training area. If you do, Woods will provide commentary on how well you play, and mock you if you do poorly. Sometimes he will even say that he gets next game.

  Woods: Oh. Sure. Saving the whole fucking free world can just wait!

  Woods: There's no future in video games!

  • When Woods breaches the door into that Arcade, he tackles a mannequin to the ground thinking it's an enemy.
    Woods: Not a fucking word, Bell.
    • Becomes funnier knowing Bell's nature as a Heroic Mime.
  • You can push a Big Red Button that sounds the base alarm. Woods goes, "What the fuck, Bell?"
  • The voice lines from the Burger Town mascot are varying degrees of funny, with one of them claiming 'you'll love his meat inside you.'
  • Woods of all people takes offense to the mascot. Not because he hates it, but because the Soviets are using it.
    Woods: Aw, shit, they turned Bubby! Is nothing sacred?! I used to love this joint!
    • Alternatively, he may instead go "Oh, shit! It's Bubby! I love Bubby!" in the most oddly Adorkable way.
  • The marquee on the movie theatre. Someone in the Soviet training command has a sense of humor.
    THE RED ARMY
    COMING SOON
  • When you ambush the Soviets in the Fake Town, one of them gives us this gem.
    "Are they part of the drill?"
  • A lot of the dialogue Woods throws out in "Redlight, Greenlight" is hilarious. If you venture into the theater, he mocks the Soviets "poor taste in cinema", and if you venture into the bar, he may ask Bell to see if the taps are functioning, or declare that he'll be pouring himself a drink once the shooting dies down.
    Woods: What, they're not fans of fine American cinema?
  • If you hesitate to figure out the password for the computer in "Redlight, Greenlight", Woods will heckle you until you do, and throw out suggestions like "Stalin's birthday", "the date of the Oktober Revolution", and "the name of that ugly chick on the computer", which ''actually works'' in some playthroughs.
  • Jumping into the tail rotor of the helicopter at the start of the mission results in some darkly humourous failure messages.
  You were diced.
  If you need a haircut, try using scissors next time.
  On the plus side, the Soviets have to clean up an awful mess.
• During "Echoes Of A Cold War", Mason gets separated from Woods when a zipline breaks, resulting in Mason losing his weapons and being forced to fight through the section with just a knife. Depending on whether the player chooses to seize a gun from an opposing soldier or hack their way through with nothing but the knife, Woods has two very amusing comments about it when Mason finally reunites with him.
  Woods (If Player Used Guns): With the ruckus you made, I'm surprise half the Soviet Union ain't up our ass.
  Woods (If Player Used Only The Knife): You did that all with a knife? Shit, remind me to never piss you off.
  Woods (If Player Successfully Gets Through The Section Without Making A Noise): You're one sneaky son of a bitch.
  • And using only the knife gets you an achievement, appropriately entitled Back To Basics.
  • Also during "Echoes Of A Cold War", Woods gets in on the action with Belikov, who asks if the mainframe the team is stealing can be carried by his helicopter.
    Belikov: Is the mainframe large?
    Woods: No, it's uh...regular size!
• During "Desperate Measures", Bell and Adler end up in an elevator with Imran Zakhaev himself. And then, depending on player choices, they either fool him into wishing them a warm goodbye as he goes to his next appointment^note with the implication that he's already onto them, or beat him into next week to avoid his questioning.
  Adler: Elevator conversation always gets awkward.
• Lazar's bad flirting with Park. All of it.

  Lazar: Can't keep your eyes off me, huh Park?

  Lazar: Whaddya say we grab a drink when this is over? (Cue Woods in the background demanding that Lazar and Park get a room)

  Lazar: Park's a true professional, one of the guys. (Cue Sims heckling him)

• While discussing the threat of the KGB Mole, Gorbachev warns Belikov of the impending danger, using nearly the exact same words by president John F. Kennedy to warn Mason in Call of Duty: Black Ops.

  Gorbachev: We are in grave danger from the capitalists. Our collective, our very way of life, is at stake.

  • In the same mission, one can choose to deal with Charkov by framing him as the mole and taking his keycard in the confusion. The funny part is that one frames him by presenting (fake) evidence to Lev Kravchenko, who subsequently spends a good ten seconds in a state of denial, before flipping out and having Charkov arrested the instant he lays eyes on him.
• In the very beginning of "Break on Through", Adler starts his narration by saying that you picked up an M16. His lines if Bell does something different there are gold.
  Adler (If the Player Goes Unarmed Instead): You went unarmed ? Alright.
  Adler (If the Player Takes The MP5 On The Ground Instead): ...or maybe it was another weapon.
  Adler (If The Player Does Nothing): So you did nothing? What were you, in shock?
  • In reality the level is somewhat of a darker, more violent The Stanley Parable.
  • If Bell "dies" in this mission, Adler's lines are just as funny:
  Adler: Really Bell ? You're telling me you died on this mission ?
  • If Bell runs through the initial gunfight in the first script, Adler comments on Bell's Cowardice:
  Adler You just ran away ? That doesn't sound like you.
  • In an amusing example of Developer's Foresight, during the otherwise intensely surreal and at times nightmarish mission like this, you can get a bit of levity from Adler if you attempt to take his story Off the Rails and try to jump to your death, after which you get teleported back to where you were previously.
  Adler: Sure, Bell, you committed suicide. Then what happened ?
  • If Bell decides to wander about the level rather than actually get stuff done, Adler sounds like a parent trying to get his kid to focus.
  Adler (If Bell Focuses On The Valley Below In The Starting Area): We don't need to hear about how good the view was, Bell.
  Adler (If Bell Lingers In The Starting Area's House): You never mentioned a house in your debrief, time to move along.
  Adler (If Bell Does Nothing Around In The Cave): What are you doing, collecting rocks ? We have a story to complete.
  • In fact, this isn't the only part where Adler acts like a father to Bell more than usual. In the sequence where Bell learns of his nature, we have a scene where Adler and Park looks at Bell like he is their newborn son. We even have Adler giving him a name (Bell) at that same scene.
• Even the Evidence Board has a few gems here and there.

  Evidence Board (Redlight, Greenlight, Burgertown Keychains): Frank Woods strikes again.

  Evidence Board (Nowhere Left To Run, Matchbook): Typical Woods.

Multiplayer

• Whereas Adler will tip his hat while Park simply nods, Woods will straight up flip off the camera every time you select him as an Operator in Multiplayer or Zombies!
• On the opposite end with the Warsaw Pact operators, some of them will have a much warmer greeting when selected (e.g., Portnova, Vargas)... and then Wraith will give a pretty mean glare while clenching her fist.
• Some of the skins that you can select for your Operators tend to be this.
  • Woods... wearing an ugly Christmas sweater. Enough said.
  • Portnova's "Tactical Goth" attire. Yeah, sure. Tactical.
  • If you think the "Tactical Goth" attire for Portnova wasn't enough, then there's also the "Easter Bunny" attire, which has the otherwise reserved and level-headed Portnova... wearing a casual outfit with bunny ears on it! Let this be a reminder that she's a Warsaw Pact operator, by the way. You know... the bad guys?
• Spinning up a Death Machine as Rambo will make him let out his iconic scream. Doing this when there's barely anyone or absolutely nobody around makes this a bit of an overreaction.
• The inspect animations for the Mastercraft weapons. Just...all of them.
• An update in May of 2022 adds none other than Lazar as a playable character! And what is his Operator intro? ..well, him indulging himself on some Chinese food. Must be pretty yummy.