- Stede Bonnet would've tried asking the Spanish for his sugar back, but his Spanish is - as he puts it - "very evil."
- And then he asks Edward if he's going to try bring it back for him when he infiltrates the fort
Edward: What, in my Drawers?
- While disguised as Duncan Walpole, a bonus objective has Edward taking Refuge in Audacity by pickpocketing the three Templars huddled around a table discussing their plans, for no apparent reason. Given that he's already been winging it up to this pointnote , that is hilariously pushing it. Moreover, due to the history of the "full synchronization" bonus objectives, this means that Edward Kenway actually did this.
- You could also look at the fact that Edward Kenway was inducted into the Templar Order firstnote so for much of the beginning of the game you're once again playing a Templar surnamed Kenway... or the fact that the Templars are just as prone to self-deception-by-assumption as the player may have been to assume them to be Assassins!
- Other than the attempted Assassin attackers in Havana, Edward's first subsequent encounter with the Assassins has him evading Assassin guards on his way to a temple to find James Kidd... whereupon he promptly mistakes the Assassin Order for "Monks" of a "daffy Religion".
- For some added laughs, turn on the subtitles during this chapter. It turns out the Assassins knew Edward was there the whole time and are just humoring his attempts at stealth.
- When a certain character reveals their true identity, she (James Kidd/Mary Read), threatens to castrate Kenway if he tells anyone. She has a very peculiar smile on her face as she moves out of the frame.
- When The British invade Nassau, "Calico" Jack Rackham makes the understatement of the year as soldiers land on the beaches and start marching.
Jack Rackham: Well, I'll be hanged... It seems King George has grown tired of our shenanigans.
- During the Assassin mission "Upton's Sorrow" as Edward guides the sorrowful and completely smashed Upton across town...
: The church! In the name of the father, the son, and the holy- (beat
) Mate, the father the son, and the holy- what's the third one again? Edward
: Let's just keep moving, yeah? Upton
: The father, the son, and the let's keep it move
- no, that's not it. Edward
: What does it matter?
Upton: You, you are my greatest friend(swings at him) comehereI'llkillyou!
- When Edward finds Rhona Dinsmore, who's hiding under fire by hostile forces:
- Poor Stede Bonnet gets the full Blackbeard treatment in one part of the game, to the point that the entire screen actually gets darker as Thatch snarls in his face with those burning wicks coming out from under his hat. Then:
Thatch: Give your Quarry something to fear, some hellish Thing from a fever'd Dream, and Men will drop to their Knees, pleading for their Lord before aught else! AAARRRRRGGH!
Bonnet: [terrified as Thatch looms over him] Oh... o-oh God...
Edward: [casually] Looks fine.
Thatch: [nonchalantly, walking away as the screen returns to normal] 'Course it does.
- There is an achievement for getting drunk off your ass and waking up in a haystack.
- The in-game Abstergo emails and promos and information on their products are hilarious for being constantly Entertainingly Wrong. There's also the fact that they reject Altair, Ezio and Connor's stories as being not propaganda friendly. One can imagine that in some Assassin afterlife, the three of them are all smug about being too badass for the Templars while Aveline would be pissed off at being made a Token Enemy Minority for the public.
- What sells it is the really bad American pronunciation of the names by the Abstergo analyst. This leads to gems like "Alltare Iben Lahad", "Enzio Owdeetory", and "Ratonagayden/Ratonatankon".
- Fun fact: The Abstergo analyst is voiced by none other than Roger Craig Smith, Ezio's voice actor.
- Thatch's excited and obviously mood-lightening announcement about his "retirement party" is oddly adorable for the guy who made it his business to be the scariest guy on sea. He unfortunately dies a couple scenes later.
- Vane's robbing of Edward's oysters when they're stranded while waggling a stick around. Made even better by Edward's annoyed reply that there is plenty of food if he just tried looking. The entire mission is the first time the franchise dropped its historical dimension and devolved into pure slapstick comedy, with Vane and Edward essentially acting like a pair of toddlers fighting for room in a sandbox.
- This Good Bad Bug.
- When Rackham betrays Vane and Edward, he maroons them on a damaged ship. The conversation between the two is bound to get a few giggles.
I'll gut you, Jack Rackham!
I'll open you up, I'll tear out your organs, and string a bloody lute with 'em! Edward:
Stop your god damned howling, Vane! It's no bloody use! Vane:
Well, well, the fearsome Edward Kenway speaks! Pray tell us, captain, how to quit this predicament! And tell us what genius you have for sailing a boat with no sails and no rudder! Edward: SHUT! YOUR! GOB!
- During the mission "Claiming What's Due":
Torres: What is your true name, rogue?
Edward: It's, ah...Captain Pissoff!
- After Edward, Benjamin Hornigold and company take a Spanish ship in "Prizes and Plunder":
Hornigold: Anyone speak English? Inglés?
Spanish soldier: A little bit...
Hornigold: Tell your friends we're stealing your goods. And we won't hurt nobody if everyone stays as still as a sandbar. You got that?
Spanish soldier: Please...to repeat?
Hornigold: Oh, for fuck's sake.
- The first instance of Observatory in action that Edward and the player get to see is Jack Rackham mistaken James Kidd for a man while she is chatting with Anne Bonny, threatening to cut him(?) down if he doesn't lay off. What sells it is Roberts' reaction:
Roberts : (In deadpan tone) A curious Bunch.
- It becomes funnier when you learn THAT REALLY HAPPENED. In fact, it was the incident that revealed that "Mark Read" wasn't, as Mary ended up outing herself to keep from getting killed by Rackham.
- The "Press any button to rattle the cage". Even the UI agrees, replacing all your action commands with "Rattle".
- Abstergo's final trailer is already pretty funny on account of being Entertainingly Wrong and Stylistic Suck... but one phrase in particular stands out: "Nothing is sacred, and everyone is committed." It appears the Templars have been secretly jealous this entire time.
- Whenever you have the Jackdaw drop anchor, and swim to shore, sometimes a crewman will announce your departure with "Captain's fancied a swim." It's the way he says it, as if he's going Oh, No... Not Again!.
- When listening to a mole talk to his captain about Blackbeard's choice of drink:
Mole: Well sir, he likes his drink, for instance. Only he makes 'em queer. He takes the usual rum flip, and fills it with half a weight of gunpowder to top it off.
Captain: Did I hear you aright? He DRINKS gunpowder?
- And from the same conversation:
Mole: And only last week he rounded up a score of his crew and bade us sit in the hold of his ship while he burnt off sulfur and other sickening minerals. We just sat there like it was one of a million pits of hell, and nothing less ordinary.
Captain: Good GOD. What the hell for?
- He's just testing their mettle. Turns out, however, that there is a large gap of mettle between people who are normal, and people who are batshit insane.
- Early in the game, Edward runs into an Englishman at a tavern, who he immediately proceeds to insult:
Drunken Sailor: Fancy meeting a Welshman deep in Dago country. I'm English meself. Biding my time 'til the next war calls me to service.
Lucky King George,
having a piss-pot like you flying his flag!
- While Edward and Charles Vane are discussing tactics in "The Fireship", Rackham is sitting atop several barrels of gunpowder...smoking a pipe.
Vane: (walks over and smacks Rackham around) Bloody hell. You'd raise a cloud here, ya lout? You're sitting on enough gunpowder to blow New Providence off its rocks!
- Rackham's reaction doesn't hurt:
- What sells it is Edward visibly rolling his eyes, wondering what did he do to hang out with an Ax-Crazy psycho and a drunk incompetent.
- During the mission "Diving For Medicines":
Hornigold: Remember, Thatch, keep your cannons corked!
Blackbeard: Piss off, Ben!
- It can be quite amusing when a taken-over Fort takes down enemy ships, especially pirate hunters.
- At Woodes Rogers' party, a noblewoman asks Rogers how his wife is doing. His response:
- The best part is he tells the woman asking to ask again after he's had a few more drinks. "Perhaps I'll be more candid later, when the remainder of my reason has left me." Rogers is only just starting to hit his stride. It's a shame you have to kill him before he really gets going.
- Another during the same party is when he drunkenly announces that he has been fired as governor of the Bahamas recalled to England due to his muck-up of Nassau.
Rogers: ...And yet, for all my successes, his majesty has seen fit to sack me! And call me back to England! God bless the fucker!
- When Edward first meets Anto in "The Maroon Assassin":
Anto: What do you want, Englishman?
- Amusingly, by the end of the game, Edward has become an English nobleman.
- In Freedom Cry, Adewale, of all people, has one of these moments when he starts gleefully gushing about the scientific benefits of Godin's expedition. His enthusiasm makes him downright Adorkable. It's a pity that he gets brought down only a second later by a What the Hell, Hero? moment.
- The sound effect that plays when you rescue a shipwrecked sailor is the same sound effect you get for getting money or loot.
- In the second Subject Zero file, Warren Vidic's Dramatic Entrance "Here I come to save the day!!!"
- During "Oh Brother...", you have to tail a pair of smugglers who think that "smuggler" is an Inherently Funny Word. Then one of them realises that maybe they shouldn't be saying it so loudly.