"I was pretty stunned to see the infamous 'Santa rape' scene in the Warrior Christmas Special but that would not be the first nor the last time Santa took it full in the ass from the pro wrestling industry..."
— The Spoony One, opening his review of the film.
Santa with Muscles is a 1996 comedy about a wealthy, greedy health food guru named Blake (played by Hulk Hogan) who winds up on the run from the cops when a paintball session goes wildly awry. Disguising himself as a Mall Santa, a blow to the head leaves him with amnesia — and thanks to an "elf" named Lenny who can use some, and perhaps his, money, he is subsequently convinced that he's the real Santa. From there, Blake decides to save an orphanage from supervillain Ebner Frost and his strange henchmen, who want the land the building is on for an unusual reason.
Executive produced by Jordan Belfort (The real one, not Leonardo DiCaprio). No, seriously.
Examples:
- Amnesiac Liar
- An Ass-Kicking Christmas: Filled with ludicrous car chases and sword fights with highly explosive crystals.
- Badass Santa: Hulk Hogan as Blake gets to be one.
- Connected All Along: Both Blake and Frost were raised as best friends in that same orphanage they were trying to save or plunder, respectively.
- "Die Hard" on an X: The last half hour is effectively Die Hard in an orphanage. Not to mention that it involves breaking into a vault (which housed the piezoelectric crystals) near Christmas.
- Easy Amnesia: Blake gets hit on the head once and forgets everything. Another blow to the head restores his memory.
- He's Got a Weapon!: "Watch out! He's got a candy cane!" during Blake-as-Santa's battle with mall thieves.
- Identity Amnesia: And all it takes is one whack on the head to cure it.
- Improbable Weapon User: Some of Frost's mooks wield T-squares.
- Improvised Weapon: The piezoelectric crystals wielded by both Blake and Frost in the infamous sword fighting scene.
- Made of Explodium: The crystals in the caverns below the orphanage — although they apparently switch to being made of implodium at the end of the film, whereby they seem to form some sort of vortex that sucks the orphanage into it. It also needs to be pointed out that while we're told that the crystals are horribly unstable and will blow up at the slightest touch, at the climax Black and Ebner have a Sword Fight with them, smashing the highly explosive crystals together for several minutes with absolutely no effect at all.
- Mall Santa: Blake disguises himself as one to avoid the cops, and is convinced he's the genuine Kris Kringle after hitting his head.
- Plot Hole: Throughout the movie Blake inexplicably knows a bunch of things about the orphanage (such as the code to the vault door). Eventually it's revealed that he in fact grew up in the orphanage. The problem? This fact is revealed to him after he gets his memory back, meaning there's no reason he shouldn't remember having grown up in it
- Police Are Useless: Boy howdy. They exist ONLY to harass Blake after his incidents with them. They mysteriously disappear when others commit crimes, like the mall robbery and all of Frost's machinations.
- Psycho Electro: The female villain Dr. Watt has electric gauntlets.
- Quirky Miniboss Squad: Frost's lieutenants are all bizarre supervillains.
- Recorded Spliced Conversation: When Blake is brought back to his mansion after being cured of his amnesia, he tries to call the orphanage, and is shocked to hear Leslie telling him to just disappear forever. Except it isn't Leslie, but rather Frost and his goons hacking the telephone lines and using a recording of things Leslie was saying to Dr. Blight a few days earlier.
- Rule of Cool: The only reason why a local policeman would have and use a rocket launcher in the middle of a car chase. Though it can be justified as Blake and his servants were viewed as terrorists early in the film from their mock attacks on the police.
- Stupid Crooks: One early scene involves two shoplifters who try to steal money from a charity drive by smuggling it under one's shirt. Normally, this wouldn't be such a bad idea... but they don't take the money out of its huge glass container first.
- Terrified of Germs: Ebner Frost, the Big Bad, to the point where his Mooks spray every room he walks into with disinfectant first.
- Unscientific Science: While piezoelectric crystals do exist and can produce electricity, they certainly don't glow purple or explode.
- Would Hit a Girl: Blake wouldn't hit the female villain... but Lenny will.
