Harry Potter and the Champion's Champion
is a Harry Potter fanfiction written by DriftWood1965.
Harry and Hermione become a couple. Not wanting to compete now that he has "other things to do", he gets Ron to replace him. Hilarity Ensues.
Harry Potter and the Champion's Champion provides examples of:
- Accidental Hero: Ron is the one that killed Voldemort by farting and blowing up the cauldron Voldemort is in for the resurrection ritual.
- Accidental Innuendo: In-universe. Ron often makes these when inviting the other Champions to join him for various activities, to said other champions' horror or disgust.
- Alternate Universe Fic: One where Harry gets together with Hermione and finds a loophole in the Triwizard contract to get him out of the Tournament, among many other aspects.
- Arranged Marriage: Lucius Malfoy tries to do this for Draco. It does not go well; Pansy's family back out after Draco was burned by a potions accident, then the dragon. Milicent Bulstrode, his only other choice within Draco's age range, backed out when Draco claimed to be sleeping with Snape. In desperation, Lucius tried to get him married to Umbridge; and this lasts right up until their wedding, where Dolores is killed by Ron's egg just as she's about to seal the deal. After this, Lucius just sits down and cries.
- Acquired Situational Narcissism: It takes all of two sentences for Ron to let his status of Champion get to his head and he remains that way until the end of the story.
- Ass Shove: At the end of the first task, in which a naked Ron ends up landing on his (currently red hot) golden egg butt first. It fuses to his skin due to the heat, and is only dislodged after a particularly violent fit of flatulence in the hospital wing causes it to shoot across the room — taking some of Ron's buttocks with it — and hitting Draco in the head.
- Be Careful What You Wish For: Ron wanted nothing more than to be the Champion instead of Harry. Well, he got his wish; and by the end of the fic it has driven him completely bonkers.
- Big Eater: Ron to parody levels. Despite his appearance being ostensibly like it is in the books when he's not in a task or in class, he eats constantly. Not only does it contribute to his ridiculously foul flatulence, but it also causes further comedy when other edible things appear in the story (see Clothing Damage below).
- Butt-Monkey: Ron mainly, Draco and Lucius to a smaller extent.
- Casanova Wannabe: Ron in spades; even after the First Task kills any hope of him ever getting a date within Hogwarts.
- Cassandra Truth: Ron's explanation on how he killed Voldemort is accurate, it's just so absurd that no one believes him.
- Clothing Damage: Due to a defect in Fred and George's Canary Creams, eating too many will destroy the consumer's clothes upon transforming, leaving them naked when they transform back. This happens to Ron, Fleur and (distressingly) Bellatrix, much to Draco's chagrin as years in Azkaban have 'not' been kind to her figure.
- Dumbass Has a Point: As much as Ron's reasoning is flawed beyond all common sense, he does have a point when he talks about 'it' (the random happenstances that allow the Golden Trio to escape peril relatively unscathed, also known as Plot Armor). In fact, most of the things that save his life throughout the story have nothing to do with the Triwizard Tournament.
- Fartillery: Ron's magically enforced flatulence throughout the entire story is often both the cause of comedy and injury due to its rather... volatile nature. Voldemort's death and the shaming of his followers is caused entirely through it.
- Failed a Spot Check: Ron believes that the dragon he has to conquer in the First Task is the tiny dragon statue used in the pre-Task selection, despite the mountains of evidence to the contrary. As he's called up, he walks out of the tent and stomps on the figurine, somehow completely missing the very large, very REAL Hungarian Horntail until it was already staring at him and ready to grill him alive.
- Flirtatious Smack on the Ass: Ron very stupidly does this to Fleur just as she's about to be summoned for the first task. Only the timing of that call saves Ron's life from a Veela angry enough to transform. The dragon isn't so fortunate.
- Gasshole: Ron, enforced by the magic contract Hermoine made him sign that makes him Triwizard Champion instead of Harry.
- Genre Savvy: Of all people, Ron shows signs of this when talking to "Moody" about the Golden Trio's luck always bailing them out of danger.
- Going Commando: Attendees at the Yule Ball are more than a little unhappy to learn that Ron didn't bother to wear anything under his robes. The house elves probably weren't happy at having to clean up that much vomit, either.
- Green-Eyed Monster: Ron, again. One of the conditions of Harry passing his Championship over to Ron is that he can't be jealous of his new relationship with Hermione — on pain of horrible flatulence, as described above. Naturally, he spends the rest of the school year — and the fic — constantly farting.
- Hoist by His Own Petard: After his father is imprisoned and his mother skips town with all their money, Draco Malfoy swears a magical oath to never live with a non-pureblood family voluntarily. He forgets about the oath after a few years, and when he accepts Bill Weasley's offer of a home, it kills him as Bill marries a muggleborn in this continuity.
- Humiliation Conga: Basically the whole fic for Ron, although the Malfoy men also get their share. The First Task deserves special mention, as Ron ends up naked with an egg shoved up his rear for bonus humiliation.
- Idiot Ball: Ron gets this in spades after he became a Champion in the Triwizard Tournament. Even after being told by no less than four separate people that the first task was facing a dragon, he merrily ignores them until said dragon is attempting to kill him.
- Incendiary Exponent: Barty Crouch Jr., in his rapidly-developing alcoholism due to Ron's obliviousness, starts mixing Firewhiskey into his Polyjuice Potion in order to make his life a little more tolerable. This makes him very flammable, however, and he dies in the Task's maze when a Skrewt backfires on him.
- Iron Butt Monkey: Ron takes much punishment and public humiliation and yet is not put off in the slightest, the promise of riches and "eternal glory" motivating him onwards. He finally snaps at the end, when (due to Polyjuice trickery) Harry gets the credit for killing Voldemort despite him not being remotely involved with the Task.
- Loophole Abuse: How Harry manages to get out of the Triwizard contract; he breaks his own arm and refuses magical treatment as is his right as a Muggle-raised wizard, forcing him to pass the Championship onto another.
- Mrs. Hypothetical: In Chapter 3:Hermione: You do realize that [Ginny]'s had a crush on you forever? And when she saw us earlier, she looked like she was ready to kill me.
Harry: I thought she was over all of that.
Hermione: Not likely. I've even seen her writing 'Ginevra Molly Potter' on scraps of parchment like she is practicing for the future. One day, I walked in on her and I could swear she was practicing her wedding vows to you. - My Beloved Smother: Molly is this to parody levels. She chases after a dragon threatening Ron.Mrs Weasley: "KEEP AWAY FROM MY RONNIEKINS YOU BAD DRAGON!"
- Naked People Are Funny:
- Ron ends up naked distressingly often; most notably at the end of the First Task (with a red hot egg stuck to his arse) and during the Yule Ball, in which a careless bit of haberdashery causes his robes to split at the back (revealing that he was Going Commando). It's less funny in-universe, as the sight of him leads people to rapidly lose their lunch.
- Lucius winds up being escorted by goblins from Gringotts' to the Leaky Cauldron to floo Narcissa for help when the goblins confiscate everything in his possession at the time toward his loan payment, including his clothes.
- Never My Fault: Ron very frequently blames everyone else for things, mostly for supposedly not warning him about what the tasks are.
- Read the Fine Print: Lucius Malfoy did not take this advice when signing a Goblin loan contract. More specifically, he glossed over section forty-eight, subsection A, sub subsection eighteen of the contract, which states the interest rate is 10% weekly instead of 10% annually. This caused his two hundred thousand Galleon loan to become twenty-six million Galleons. He ends up working for the Goblins as a slave for two hundred and ninety years to pay off the debt before being unceremoniously teleported to an ice shelf where he is eaten by a polar bear.Narcissa: YOU SIGNED A GOBLIN CONTRACT WITHOUT LEGAL HELP? HOW STUPID ARE YOU?
- Squick: Invoked. Ron seems to invoke this everywhere he goes, either because of his contract-inflicted flatulence (which smells like death and is highly explosive, given his Big Eater tendencies) or his tendency to end up nude.
- Too Dumb to Live: Ron is completely convinced that he has everything under control and knows what he is doing, even when literally every other character in the story both knows and tells him otherwise. This drives Barty Crouch Jr., disguised as Mad-Eye Moody, completely batty as the Third Task approaches.
- Toilet Humour: Happens throughout the entire fanfic, with Ron's gasshole status making him a fine piece of fartillery being a prime example.
- Undignified Death: Ludo Bagman died buried under dragon shit in the same Goblin facility as Lucius Malfoy — who attempted (and failed) the same fate for himself.
