Characters / Don't Call Me Ishmael!

Main characters

Ishmael Leseur

The protagonist of the series, he starts out as an awkward and shy victim of bullying without friends until he meets James Scobie, who persuades him to join the debate team.

• Clueless Chick-Magnet: He thinks he's unpopular, but by the third book, Cindy and Raychell are after him, he's kissed Sally and he gets together with Kelly.
• Dogged Nice Guy: The books are hugely and unapologetically built around this trope. Ishmael is in love with Kelly (although he's willing to give her plenty of space and a chance to be with someone else) for nearly all of the series, even when she dates someone else, moves away, and comes back but is not ready for a relationship…
• Embarrassing First Name: In the first book, Ishmael blames his social awkwardness and various misfortunes on his first name, diagnosing himself with ‘Ishmael Leseur’s Syndrome’.
• Embarrassing Nickname: Bullies transform the name Ishmael Leseur into Stalepiss Manure and similar insults.
• Fainting: He collapses unconscious in his first debate, due to nervousness.
• Friendless Background: He doesn’t have any friends at St Daniel's until he meets Scobie and joins the debate team.
• Grew a Spine: It takes time, but by the end of the third book he's come a long way.
• Heterosexual Life-Partners: With Razz, as evidenced by their Platonic Declaration of Love towards the end of the series. They're like hoops of carbon nanotubes.
• Nice Guy: He's generally friendly to everyone and doesn't like conflict. Razz even thinks it's his Fatal Flaw.
• Once Done, Never Forgotten: Fainting and accidentally groping Kelly during his first debate.
• Sensitive Guy and Manly Man: He's the kind, sensitive guy to Razza's athletic, loud, manly man.
• What You Are in the Dark: Ishmael has a mixed record of doing the right thing when it seems as if almost no one will know if he doesn't. This leads to Karmic Jackpot moments.
  • In The Return of the Dugongs, Razz shows Ishmael his crush Kelly's diary and urges him to find out whether it says anything about him, with Razz volunteering to stand guard outside the room. After a long pause, Ishmael does try to read the diary, but Kelly catches him.
  • In The Hoops of Steel:
    • Ishmael and Razz are watching a video Razz and Bill shot for school and see that Bill forgot to turn it off and that their acquaintance Jess (another crush of Ishmael's, although not ot the same extent as Kelly) is about to get undressed in front of the camera. Ishmael hits pause and cajoles Razz into deleting the end of the video instead of watching Jess take her bikini off. They later learn that Jess noticed the camera was on just a moment late and thought Razz left it on deliberately. The fact that Razz and Ishmael are ignorant about the curses and insults she shouted at the camera convinces Jess and Razz's girlfriend Sally that the boys really did stop the video before it would have been indecent to keep watching.
    • After Sally and Ishmael drink spiked punch at a dance and Ishmael kisses her, he quickly confesses to Razz and asks for forgiveness. It turns out that Sally already told him and he understands what happened and appreciates Ishmael's honesty.

Orazio "Razz" Zorzotto

Razza joins the debate team mostly to get to know girls at debates. He later becomes Ishmael’s best friend. He's convinced of his own awesomeness, but he matures a lot throughout the books.

• Book Dumb: He isn’t stupid, but his grades are generally bad.
• Chivalrous Pervert: He fancies himself a casanova, but he is devoted to Sally and perfectly willing to wait until she wants to have sex.
• Class Clown: He’s very loud, and prefers having fun to paying attention in class. He also likes to make fun of his teachers sometimes, such as when Mr Barker uses him as an example of how not to wear the school uniform and Razza pretends to be on a catwalk.
• The Ditz: He isn’t particularly intelligent, but very social and fun-loving.
  Sometimes, Razza wasn't quite on the same page as other people – often, he wasn't even in the same library.
• Friend to All Children: He gets along great with Sally’s little siblings and helps to coach the younger students' football teams.
• Genius Ditz: Even though he is The Ditz when it comes to schoolwork, he is a genius at anything related to sports and a very competent trainer as well.
• Heterosexual Life-Partners: Has this relationship with Ishmael by the end of the books, as detailed above.
• Insecure Love Interest: While he is usually self-confident, he is this to Sally, believing that she is 'too everything' for him.
• The Matchmaker: He often tries to help Ishmael get a girlfriend, usually Kelly.
• Motor Mouth: He talks quickly, loudly and constantly.
• The Nicknamer: He likes to call his friends nicknames: Scobes, Prudles, Prindabuddy, Bill-bo…
• Opposites Attract: With Sally. They have some common interests (like football), but she is down-to-earth, very studious and calm. Razza... is not.
• Sad Clown: While Razz is a genuine egotistical Class Clown in the present, he mentions that when he was younger, he felt like he had to make his mother laugh to cheer her up every time his father made her cry.
• Sensitive Guy and Manly Man: He's the athletic, loud, manly man to Ishmael's kind, more sensitive guy.
• Shipper on Deck: He ships Ishmael/Kelly, Scobie/Prue and Miss Tarango/Mr Guthrie. For a while he also ships Ishmael/Cindy.

James Scobie

A new transfer student to St Daniel’s who immediately shakes things up by not letting Barry Bagsley bully him. He befriends Ishmael and persuades him to join the debate team.

• Academic Athlete: He is a brilliant scholar who tries to be this, but his attempts at any kind of sport fail miserably, even if his dedication is inspiring.
• Big, Thin, Short Trio: In the later books, when Ishmael and Razza are closer to each other than to the rest, he is this with Ignatius and Bill. He's the short one.
• Blind Without 'Em: A problem when he tries to play sports. Hilarity Ensues when he drops his glasses during a volleyball match.
• Extracurricular Enthusiast: He is College Captain, started the debate team and plays on the (fifth) volleyball team.
• Gibberish of Love: He is reduced to stammering silliness when he meets his crush Prue for the first time, right after he was brilliantly debating, too.
• Motor Mouth: Scobie is prone to making extremely long speeches over what appear to be short time periods. Often, these are Rousing Speeches or Shut Up, Hannibal! moments that are played for awesomeness rather than comedy.
• Only Sane Man: The others get caught up in Razza's crazy schemes quite often, whereas Scobie nearly always stays calm and rational. He usually has to get the debating meetings back on track when the others get distracted.
• New Transfer Student: He transfers to St Daniel’s in the first book.
• Not So Above It All: He is usually the voice of reason, but he is also responsible for making the pun that named Thanks for the Mammary.
• Pair the Smart Ones: Ge ends up with Ishmael's equally smart sister Prue.
• The Short Guy with Glasses
• Shorter Means Smarter: The shortest and the smartest of the main characters.
• Smart People Wear Glasses: The smartest of the Fab Five and the only one with glasses.
• Teen Genius: He is very good at every subject, except sports.

Bill Kingsley

Bill is very quiet and self-conscious due to his weight. He is a big fan of Fantasy and science-fiction and often zones out into his own world.

• Big, Thin, Short Trio: In the later books he is this with Ignatius and Scobie. He's the big one.
• Comically Missing the Point: Occasionally does this, for example when Razza asks him if he would rather make out with Aragorn or 'that smokin' elf chick'. Bill proceeds to correct Razza and explain that Arwen is actually half-elven. She and Aragorn met when...
  Razza: Yeah, terrific. Anyway...
• Geek Physiques: He's the fat kind, but he starts to lose weight in the third book.
• Geeky Analogy: He loves those. He even gets to use them in a debate in the first book.
• Nice Guy: He's rather quiet, soft-spoken and polite.
• The Quiet One: He doesn’t speak very much, especially in the beginning of the series.
• This Looks Like a Job for Aquaman: His interest in Fantasy and science-fiction is very helpful during a debate in the first book.
  Razza: Then I will follow you, my brother... my captain... my... Kingsley.
• You Are Fat: Barry Bagsley uses his weight to bully him, resulting in Bill's low confidence.

Ignatius Prindable

Ignatius is made to join the debating team by his mother, who wants him to develop social skills. He is more interested in sciences than debating, which is why he is at first rather reluctant to participate.

• Big, Thin, Short Trio: In the later books he is this with Scobie and Bill. He's the thin one.
• Encyclopaedic Knowledge: While he is mostly interested in math and biology, he tends to rattle off random facts that aren't really related to the topic.
• Kavorka Man: He has no social skills and isn’t described as very attractive, but he has no problem getting dates or girlfriends.
• No Social Skills: The reason he joins the debating team in the first place is that his mother thinks he needs to develop more social skills.

Other Major Characters

Prudence Leseur

Ishmael’s younger sister who is nearly a genius and strikes up a romance with Scobie.

• Always Someone Better: In the first book, Ishmael reflects about how he had a school assignment to decorate a peg like a famous person, spent hours on it, and failed miserably. When Prue had that same assignment a few years later, she enthusiastically made over a hundred pegs recognizably modeled after famous figures.
• Brainy Brunette: She’s nearly a genius and has dark hair.
• Fangirl: Of The Beatles. She knows every Beatles song ever recorded and can play most of them on three different instruments. She is named after their song 'Dear Prudence'.
• Geeky Turn-On: The first time she and Scobie meet, she is impressed by his debating.
  You were just brilliant... and trust me, I know brilliant.
• Little Miss Snarker: She is young, "adorable", and can display a brutal wit, particularly towards Razza.
• Meaningful Name: Prudence is a Teen Genius.
• Pair the Smart Ones: She dates Scobie, her intellectual equal.
• She Is All Grown Up: Ishmael sometimes notices that she is no longer a little kid. Scobie notices as well.
• Smart People Wear Glasses: Like Scobie, the other Teen Genius of the series, she wears glasses.
• Teen Genius: Despite her youth, she plays the piano, the violin and the saxophone and is usually seen reading huge books.

Zoe Tarango

Ishmael’s English teacher in all three books and the favourite teacher of the Fab Five.

• Cool Teacher: In her very first lesson, she effortlessly deals with Barry Bagsley, who's trying to irritate her, while treating the nicer kids warmly and making class fun.
• Hair of Gold, Heart of Gold: She is blonde and has a very sunny personality.
• Happy Dance: She is unfraid to show famous victory dance.
• Hot Teacher: The Fab Five all seem to have a bit of a crush on her that surfaces soon after she starts teaching them.

Kelly Faulkner

The girl of Ishmael’s dreams. They meet during Ishmael’s first debate when he faints and accidentally gropes her.

• Broken Bird: When she returns in the third book, she's no longer as happy as she used to be. It's never completely explained what happened to her, but she had family problems as well as problems with a guy.
• Dull Eyes of Unhappiness: Her expression is more flat and sad in the third book. Ishmael vows to bring the sparkle back.
• First Girl Wins: She's the one Ishmael gets together with in the end after being his first crush.
• What Beautiful Eyes!: Her ice-blue eyes are mentioned very frequently.

Sally Nofke

Kelly’s best friend and Razza’s love interest (and eventually girlfriend).

• Academic Athlete: She's the best student in her year and a passionate football player.
• Brainy Brunette: She's the best student in her year and has dark hair.
• Cannot Keep a Secret: According to Kelly, she's almost as bad at keeping secrets as Razz.
• Class Princess: Sally is a pretty and popular girl who largely hangs out with equally pretty and popular friends. She is also a friendly star athlete with great grades whose circle of friends includes various nerdy characters and a lesbian couple. Everyone is amazed when she starts dating Class Clown Razz and has a positive impact on his personality.
• Opposites Attract: With Razz. They do have some common interests (like football), but she is down-to-earth, very studious and calm. Razza... is not.

Emerson Guthrie

A teacher at St. Daniel's who helps the Fab Five, particularly by agreeing to be their official volleyball coach.

• Granola Guy: He cares about a lot of social issues.
• Hippie Teacher: He puts up posters in the classroom to motivate his students to become more politically active.
• Nice Guy: He is even willing to coach the fifth volleyball team.
• It Has Been an Honour: Says he has really enjoyed coaching the mighty Fighting Fifths.
• Politically Motivated Teacher: He tries to get his students to care more about all kinds of issues.

Mr Barker

Another teacher at St. Daniel's, but the complete opposite of Mr Guthrie. He's mainly known for being someone not to mess around with.

• Hidden Depths: He rarely shows joy about anything but humiliating troublemakers early on but is eventually discovered that he is a huge fan of Mr Leseur’s band, The Dugongs, and he shows a completely different side of himself when helping to organise a reunion for them.
• Stern Teacher: Ish quips that:
  I just naturally assumed that everything you did for Mr Barker was under pain of death.
• Tranquil Fury: When Razz interrupts Bill's presentation by standing on his table and singing (badly). Mr Barker walks in and, while he remains fairly composed... his reaction is not pretty.

Other Minor Characters

Barry Bagsley

The resident bully. He has been making Ishmael's life hell since they started attending St. Daniel's together.

• Alliterative Name: Barry Bagsley.
• The Bully: Torments Ishmael during the first book.
• Freudian Excuse: Is implied to have one. Specifically, he has a deceased brother.
• Jerkass: He not only bullies Ishmael, but also much younger kids.

Jess Hambleton

Sally and Kelly’s friend.

• Buxom Beauty Standard: The boys quite enjoy admiring her large bust.

Cindy Sexton

Razza’s hot cousin. For a while, Razza tries to get her and Ishmael together.

• Big-Breast Pride: Casually mentions that she can’t wear some shirts because she’s too big, but she’s definitely not complaining.
• Motor Mouth: Even Razz can't get a word in when she's talking.
• Unfortunate Names: Most people who hear of her for the first time assume she's a stripper or a porn star.