Recurring characters of The Beef and Dairy Network Podcast
Les Cheese
One half of the comedy duo Cheese and Onion, and perennial favorite among the Beef and Dairy Network's in-universe listeners.
- Farce: A sizable chunk of his comedy stylings are implied to entail outlandish scenarios, and are outright stated to rely on double entendres that have the subtlety of a brick.
- Jerkass: Neither he nor his comedy partner, Sid Onion, are particularly pleasant people.
- Organ Theft: He's kept alive by a number of animal organs that have replaced his original ones. It's mentioned on that podcast that these organs are often stolen from still-living animals.
- Vaudeville: Descriptions of Cheese and Onion's act discuss frequent use of physical comedy and musical interludes, giving them the impression of latter-day vaudevillians.
The Host
The host of the podcast, and also of its "Beef Call" game show segments. Takes beef and dairy production very seriously.
- Cloudcuckoolander: Despite being the Only Sane Man, he displays a number of bizarre traits, mostly surrounding his obsession with beef and cow's milk.
- Mood Dissonance: Regardless of whatever horrible fate befalls a "Beef Call" contestant, he's unfailingly chipper.
- Only Sane Man: In comparison to most of the guests. Certainly just as nuts as the rest of the world in his own way.
- The Nameless: Keeps his name a secret for unknown reasons.
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True Neutral: Tries to not have a hand in the politics of the beef world, even going so far as to give disgraced poet laureate Michael Banyan a platform for his work.- Neutral No Longer: His attempts to remain impartial tend to flag if beef as a concept is threatened, beloved traditions of the beef and dairy world are disrupted, or if he just finds somebody irritating.
Eli Roberts
A disgraced former slaughterhouse owner.
- Affably Evil: For somebody with no compunctions regarding murder, Eli can be quite friendly towards outsiders.
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Awesome Ego: Will often boast of his physical prowess. Given that he's capable of shrugging off gunfire, metabolizing tranquilizers with no apparent effect, and hurling a lump hammer with enough force to kill an albatross at a great distance, he isn't wrong. - Bad Boss: Effectively ran his slaughterhouse like an autocratic state. Workers were not permitted to leave, and were required to attend after-work "offal parties."
- Blood Knight: Has a great affinity for murdering, or at least brutalizing, those around him.
- Child Supplants Parent: Eli quite literally murdered his father and married his mother.
- Comedic Sociopathy: Everything — EVERYTHING — about Eli centers around his heartless brutality. Played for Laughs.
- Enfant Terrible: Apparently committed his first murder while still in elementary school.
- Faux Affably Evil: When pushed, Eli can become petty, vengeful, honest about his sadism, and borderline-incoherent in his death threats. This trait has become more evident as the series has progressed.
- Hidden Depths: Has quite a nice singing voice, a practical grasp of rocket engineering, and (if his tapestry is anything to go by), an eye for art.
- Immune to Drugs: Don't bother trying to take him down with tranquilizer darts. It'll take hundreds.
- Insane Troll Logic:
- Thinks murdering people is a net benefit to society, because those people might have gone on to do something bad someday. So he's saving lives, you see.
- Figures he'll be in better shape at age 80 than he was at 60. He'll have 20 more years to train, you see. More years, more strength. Offers as proof the fact that he'd easily destroy an infant in a test of strength.
- I Own This Town: Wherever Eli Roberts lands, whether his hometown of Llanteg in Wales or an island prison, he immediately establishes a brutal dictatorship with himself at the helm.
- Karma Houdini: Has murdered literally thousands of people. Has only been arrested for murder once. Got acquitted.
- Made of Iron: Getting shot dead in the face with a tank mortar round only pissed him off.
- Manipulative Bastard: As the founder and head of the Church of Eli. Uses it as a way to take all his followers' possessions and money, and keep himself in a steady supply of murder victims.
- Murder Is the Best Solution: For dealing with anyone that he deems is weak, any challenges to his authority, whatever mildly irritates him, etc.
- The Social Darwinist: Very firmly believes in survival of the fittest, at any cost.
- The Unfettered: Has no use for rules at all. Ever. If you're playing a sport against him and defeat him, he'll "lose the battle, but win the war" by killing you in your sleep that night.
- Third-Person Person: Usually refers to himself as "Ol' Eli."
Bob Trescothick
A veterinarian specializing in bovine arses.
- Dr. Jerk: While he's not a licensed doctor, he's often emotionally manipulative and short-tempered. He's discussed tricking a farmer into leaving his property with a fake bank notice and shooting a German cab driver in the same interview.
- Hospital Hottie: Well, more "veterinary" than "hospital," but he is referred to as attractive.
- Serial Spouse: Has been married six times.
- Uncertified Expert: Never actually went to veterinary school. Technically became a "former" bovine arse veterinarian upon discovery of this, but still practices regardless.
Dr. Sam Archer
Celebrity doctor who appears on multiple BBC shows such as Channel 4's "Embarrassing Penis" and "Celebrity Euthanasia Live."
- Mad Doctor: Extremely downplayed, but he has inadvertently killed two people with an experimental therapy meant to cure them of lamb addiction
- Media Scaremongering: When he's interviewed, it's typically to give a dire warning about potential medical issues.
- Nice Guy: While most of the figures that the host interviews are are jerks, terrible people, or both, Dr. Archer is generally friendly and, at minimum, seems to mean well.
- Reality Show: Hosts several of them.
- Super Doc: The shows he hosts typically entail urology and proctology. He's also headed up a team of psychologists and psychiatrists to determine if Eli Roberts was competent to stand trial.
The Actor Ted Danson
An actor obsessed with harnessing the sun's power through grain and its eventual processing into bread. Presumed in-universe to be the same Ted Danson as our universe, but he's a grain loan shark.
- Adam Westing: Portrayed by Actor Ted Danson in episode 109 "Ted Danson".
- Insistent Terminology: In-universe. He's always referred to as The Actor Ted Danson.
- Leitmotif: "The Loaves Must Be Made," a simple, somewhat poignant song, tends to come up in most episodes that feature him.
- The Dreaded: DO NOT come up short on your grain payments to him.
- The Unseen: Never seen, never heard from, but mentioned by name on multiple occasions.
