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* AdamWesting: Portrayed by Actor Ted Danson in episode 109 "Ted Danson".
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A grain loanshark. Presumed in-universe to be the same Ted Danson as our universe, but he's a grain loanshark.
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* {{Leitmotif}}: "The Loaves Must Be Made," a simple, somewhat poignant song, tends to come up in most episodes that feature him.
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* ChildSupplantsParent: Eli [[spoiler:quite literally murdered his father and married his mother.]]
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* OedipusComplex: Eli [[spoiler:quite literally murdered his father and married his mother.]]
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* MediaScaremongering: When he's interviewed, it's typically to give a dire warning about potential medical issues.
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* YouCanPanicNow: When he's interviewed, it's typically to give a dire warning about potential medical issues.
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[[folder:Les Cheese]]
One half of the comedy duo Cheese and Onion, and perennial favorite among the Beef and Dairy Network's in-universe listeners.
* {{Farce}}: A sizable chunk of his comedy stylings are implied to entail outlandish scenarios, and are outright stated to rely on double entendres that have the subtlety of a brick.
* {{Jerkass}}: Neither he nor his comedy partner, Sid Onion, are particularly pleasant people.
* OrganTheft: He's kept alive by a number of animal organs that have replaced his original ones. It's mentioned on that podcast that these organs are often stolen from still-living animals.
* {{Vaudeville}}: Descriptions of Cheese and Onion's act discuss frequent use of physical comedy and musical interludes, giving them the impression of latter-day vaudevillians.
[[/folder]]
One half of the comedy duo Cheese and Onion, and perennial favorite among the Beef and Dairy Network's in-universe listeners.
* {{Farce}}: A sizable chunk of his comedy stylings are implied to entail outlandish scenarios, and are outright stated to rely on double entendres that have the subtlety of a brick.
* {{Jerkass}}: Neither he nor his comedy partner, Sid Onion, are particularly pleasant people.
* OrganTheft: He's kept alive by a number of animal organs that have replaced his original ones. It's mentioned on that podcast that these organs are often stolen from still-living animals.
* {{Vaudeville}}: Descriptions of Cheese and Onion's act discuss frequent use of physical comedy and musical interludes, giving them the impression of latter-day vaudevillians.
[[/folder]]
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* TrueNeutral: Tries to not have a hand in the politics of the beef world, even going so far as to give disgraced poet laureate Michael Banyan a platform for his work.
** NeutralNoLonger: His attempts to remain impartial tend to flag if [[SeriousBusiness beef as a concept is threatened]], beloved traditions of the beef and dairy world are disrupted, or if he just finds somebody irritating.
** NeutralNoLonger: His attempts to remain impartial tend to flag if [[SeriousBusiness beef as a concept is threatened]], beloved traditions of the beef and dairy world are disrupted, or if he just finds somebody irritating.
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* HospitalHottie: Well, more "veterinary" than "hospital," but he is referred to as attractive.
* SerialSpouse: Has been married six times.
* SerialSpouse: Has been married six times.
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* DrJerk: While he's not a ''licensed'' doctor, he's often emotionally manipulative and short-tempered. He's discussed tricking a farmer into leaving his property with a fake bank notice and shooting a German cab driver in the same interview.
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* MadDoctor: Extremely [[{{Downplayed}} downplayed]], but he has inadvertently killed two people with an experimental therapy meant to cure them of lamb addiction
* NiceGuy: While most of the figures that the host interviews are are [[{{Jerkass}} jerks]], [[ComedicSociopathy terrible people]], or both, Dr. Archer is generally friendly and, at minimum, seems to mean well.
* RealityShow: Hosts several of them.
* SuperDoc: The shows he hosts typically entail urology and proctology. He's also headed up a team of psychologists and psychiatrists to determine if [[BloodKnight Eli Roberts]] was competent to stand trial.
* YouCanPanicNow: When he's interviewed, it's typically to give a dire warning about potential medical issues.
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* {{Cloudcuckoolander}}: Despite being the OnlySaneMan, he displays a number of bizarre traits, mostly surrounding his obsession with beef and cow's milk.
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* AffablyEvil: For somebody with no compunctions regarding murder, Eli can be quite friendly towards outsiders.
* AwesomeEgo: Will often boast of his physical prowess. Given that he's capable of shrugging off gunfire, metabolizing tranquilizers with no apparent effect, and hurling a lump hammer with enough force to kill an albatross at a great distance, he isn't wrong.
* BadBoss: Effectively ran his slaughterhouse like an autocratic state. Workers were not permitted to leave, and were required to attend after-work "offal parties."
* BloodKnight: Has a great affinity for murdering, or at least brutalizing, those around him.
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* EnfantTerrible: Apparently committed his first murder while still in elementary school.
* FauxAffablyEvil: When pushed, Eli can become petty, vengeful, honest about his sadism, and borderline-incoherent in his death threats. This trait has become more evident as the series has progressed.
* HiddenDepths: Has quite a nice singing voice, a practical grasp of rocket engineering, and (if his tapestry is anything to go by), an eye for art.
* FauxAffablyEvil: When pushed, Eli can become petty, vengeful, honest about his sadism, and borderline-incoherent in his death threats. This trait has become more evident as the series has progressed.
* HiddenDepths: Has quite a nice singing voice, a practical grasp of rocket engineering, and (if his tapestry is anything to go by), an eye for art.
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* OedipusComplex: Eli [[spoiler:quite literally murdered his father and married his mother.]]
* TheSocialDarwinist: Very firmly believes in survival of the fittest, at any cost.
* TheSocialDarwinist: Very firmly believes in survival of the fittest, at any cost.
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* IOwnThisTown: Wherever Eli Roberts lands, whether his hometown of Llanteg in Wales or an island prison, he immediately establishes a brutal dictatorship with himself at the helm.
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* TheKingOfTown: Wherever Eli Roberts lands, whether his hometown of Llanteg in Wales or an island prison, he immediately establishes a brutal dictatorship with himself at the helm.
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* ManipulativeBastard: As the founder and head of the Church of Eli. Uses it as a way to take all his followers' possessions and money, and keep himself in a steady supply of murder victims.
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[[header: Recurring characters of The Beef and Dairy Network Podcast]]
[[folder:The Host]]
The host of the podcast, and also of its "Beef Call" game show segments. Takes beef and dairy production very seriously.
* MoodDissonance: Regardless of whatever horrible fate befalls a "Beef Call" contestant, he's unfailingly chipper.
* OnlySaneMan: In comparison to most of the guests. Certainly just as nuts as the rest of the world in his own way.
* TheNameless: Keeps his name a secret for unknown reasons.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Eli Roberts]]
A disgraced former slaughterhouse owner.
* ComedicSociopathy: Everything -- EVERYTHING -- about Eli centers around his heartless brutality. PlayedForLaughs.
* ImmuneToDrugs: Don't bother trying to take him down with tranquilizer darts. It'll take hundreds.
* InsaneTrollLogic:
** Thinks murdering people is a net benefit to society, because those people might have gone on to do something bad someday. So he's saving lives, you see.
** Figures he'll be in better shape at age 80 than he was at 60. He'll have 20 more years to train, you see. More years, more strength. Offers as proof the fact that he'd easily destroy an infant in a test of strength.
* KarmaHoudini: Has murdered literally thousands of people. Has only been arrested for murder once. Got acquitted.
* MadeOfIron: Getting shot dead in the face with a tank mortar round only pissed him off.
* MurderIsTheBestSolution: For dealing with anyone that he deems is weak, any challenges to his authority, whatever mildly irritates him, etc.
* TheKingOfTown: Wherever Eli Roberts lands, whether his hometown of Llanteg in Wales or an island prison, he immediately establishes a brutal dictatorship with himself at the helm.
* TheUnfettered: Has no use for rules at all. Ever. If you're playing a sport against him and defeat him, he'll "lose the battle, but win the war" by killing you in your sleep that night.
* ThirdPersonPerson: Usually refers to himself as "Ol' Eli."
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Bob Trescothick]]
A veterinarian specializing in bovine arses.
* UncertifiedExpert: Never actually went to veterinary school. Technically became a "former" bovine arse veterinarian upon discovery of this, but still practices regardless.
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Dr. Sam Archer]]
Celebrity doctor who appears on multiple BBC shows such as Channel 4's "Embarrassing Penis" and "Celebrity Euthanasia Live."
[[/folder]]
[[folder: The Actor Ted Danson]]
A grain loanshark. Presumed in-universe to be the same Ted Danson as our universe, but he's a grain loanshark.
* InsistentTerminology: In-universe. He's always referred to as The Actor Ted Danson.
* TheDreaded: DO NOT come up short on your grain payments to him.
* TheUnseen: Never seen, never heard from, but mentioned by name on multiple occasions.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:The Host]]
The host of the podcast, and also of its "Beef Call" game show segments. Takes beef and dairy production very seriously.
* MoodDissonance: Regardless of whatever horrible fate befalls a "Beef Call" contestant, he's unfailingly chipper.
* OnlySaneMan: In comparison to most of the guests. Certainly just as nuts as the rest of the world in his own way.
* TheNameless: Keeps his name a secret for unknown reasons.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Eli Roberts]]
A disgraced former slaughterhouse owner.
* ComedicSociopathy: Everything -- EVERYTHING -- about Eli centers around his heartless brutality. PlayedForLaughs.
* ImmuneToDrugs: Don't bother trying to take him down with tranquilizer darts. It'll take hundreds.
* InsaneTrollLogic:
** Thinks murdering people is a net benefit to society, because those people might have gone on to do something bad someday. So he's saving lives, you see.
** Figures he'll be in better shape at age 80 than he was at 60. He'll have 20 more years to train, you see. More years, more strength. Offers as proof the fact that he'd easily destroy an infant in a test of strength.
* KarmaHoudini: Has murdered literally thousands of people. Has only been arrested for murder once. Got acquitted.
* MadeOfIron: Getting shot dead in the face with a tank mortar round only pissed him off.
* MurderIsTheBestSolution: For dealing with anyone that he deems is weak, any challenges to his authority, whatever mildly irritates him, etc.
* TheKingOfTown: Wherever Eli Roberts lands, whether his hometown of Llanteg in Wales or an island prison, he immediately establishes a brutal dictatorship with himself at the helm.
* TheUnfettered: Has no use for rules at all. Ever. If you're playing a sport against him and defeat him, he'll "lose the battle, but win the war" by killing you in your sleep that night.
* ThirdPersonPerson: Usually refers to himself as "Ol' Eli."
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Bob Trescothick]]
A veterinarian specializing in bovine arses.
* UncertifiedExpert: Never actually went to veterinary school. Technically became a "former" bovine arse veterinarian upon discovery of this, but still practices regardless.
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Dr. Sam Archer]]
Celebrity doctor who appears on multiple BBC shows such as Channel 4's "Embarrassing Penis" and "Celebrity Euthanasia Live."
[[/folder]]
[[folder: The Actor Ted Danson]]
A grain loanshark. Presumed in-universe to be the same Ted Danson as our universe, but he's a grain loanshark.
* InsistentTerminology: In-universe. He's always referred to as The Actor Ted Danson.
* TheDreaded: DO NOT come up short on your grain payments to him.
* TheUnseen: Never seen, never heard from, but mentioned by name on multiple occasions.
[[/folder]]
