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The Cats
Ray Smuckles
Ray Smuckles
"Beats me why most dudes suck. Sure as hell ain't my scene."
A cat of unquenchable optimism, unstoppable luck and good humor, Ray gained more money than he could possibly spend in one lifetime early on in the strip's history, giving him free rein to spend his time partying and taking part in wacky side projects.
- The Alcoholic: Nowhere near as bad as Lyle, but Ray does love his booze — so much so that when Cornelius gave him a sip of something less intense than his usual fare (Pimm's is only 50 proof), he could actually feel himself getting less drunk.Ray: (typing on his computer) Is it possible to dilute one's system with weak drink? [...] I'm serious, blog, I seem to be some sort of chemistry lab framework of glass tubes and beakers, except one of the beakers is a fifth of Glenfiddich. Can you imagine such a thing? I can. I may make a drawing of this idea later, using a Program.
- Big Eater: Ray has been said to eat brie the way some may eat a piece of pie
, to the point that he's had multiple diabetes scares over the course of the strip. - Bumbling Dad: Occasionally plays this role in relation to Little Nephew, despite being his uncle.
- The Ditz: Ray isn't exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, although he does have his share of Bunny-Ears Lawyer moments.Roast Beef: Being Ray's best friend is like watching a never-ending film loop of a kid riding his bike into a telephone pole
- Fetishes Are Weird: Has a real thing for women sitting on birthday cakes.
- Fun Personified: Will throw a party for any number of reasons, at one point because he had particularly blue toilet water.
- Kavorka Kat: Although an overweight oaf, Ray has little problem getting laid. His wealth and equally immense confidence help.
- Let's Get Dangerous!: He may be a friendly, laid-back hedonist, but he's also a ferocious hand-to-hand fighter when the chips are down, as the Great Outdoor Fight arc demonstrates.
- Limited Wardrobe: Spends the vast majority of his time lounging around in designer specs, a medallion, and black thong underwear.
- Nouveau Riche: By virtue of a deal with the devil and a lucrative marketing contract, Ray is richer than everyone else in the cast combined.
- Uncle Pennybags: Most of his big-time spending in the comic is used on his friends, either to help them out of a rough spot or to just give them a good time.
C. 'Roast Beef' Kazenzakis
C. 'Roast Beef' Kazenzakis
"oh no it's today"
A clinically depressed cat who was raised in Circumstances. Ray's best friend from childhood, Roast Beef does his best to both keep positive in the face of his own pessimism and keep Ray out of trouble.
- Badass Bookworm: A withdrawn nerd who turns out to be a superb shot with a pistol near the end of the Great Outdoor Fight arc, after strategising his and Ray's path to victory against three thousand other men.
- Cyborg: After getting shot for the second time, Roast Beef's entire cardiopulmonary system was replaced by that of an AIBO.
- Deadpan Snarker: Roast Beef's usual mode of conversation.
- Fun T-Shirt: Has a special fondness for them, which most other characters find obnoxious.
- Gadgeteer Genius: Feels more comfortable around computers than people.
- Gender-Blender Name: The C stands for Cassandra. Roast Beef was born intersexed, and it was assumed that he'd grow up as a girl.
- Hidden Depths: Every so often Beef reveals another, previously unknown facet of his personality — most notably, knowing everything there is to know about the Great Outdoor Fight.
- Socially Awkward Hero: Will stand up for his friends in a pinch, but can't go to the grocery store a lot of the time.
- The Quiet One: His role in the pre-Party Arc stage of the comic.
Pat Reynolds
Pat Reynolds
A thoroughly unpleasant cat who's obsessed with being superior to everyone around him. Whether it's through militant veganism, adherence to Zen Buddhism or presuming that everyone is worse than him, you can be sure that Pat finds a way.
- The Friend Nobody Likes: The only people who regularly go out of their way to hang out with him are Nice Pete and Rod Huggins, his boyfriend. And even they don't like him half of the time.
- Out of Focus: Ray, Roast Beef and Pat were introduced as a trio, but as the strip went on the story arcs focused much more on the first two and much less on Pat, who becomes a cantankerous neighbor character akin to Newman from Seinfeld.
- Straw Vegetarian: He's partially into it for the health benefits, and partially in it for the effect on the environment, but he's mostly into it to prove how much better he is for being into it.
Molly Sanders
Molly Sanders
A cat that Roast Beef met and dated on one of his multiple trips to heaven, who eventually found her way back to Earth and took up residence in Achewood. A rather sensible soul compared to the rest of the cast.
- Covert Pervert: Is much more open to experimentation in the bedroom than Roast Beef, especially in the blogposts.
- Fish out of Temporal Water: While she's not as out-of-place as you'd expect someone who was born in the 1800s to be, she does lack any identification, which makes it difficult for her to get decent jobs.
- Satellite Character: Most of her strips in the comic feature Roast Beef in some way, though she does get more independence in her blog posts.
- Women Are Wiser: Usually the reasonable one in her and Roast Beef's relationship.
Tina
Tina
Ray's on-again-off-again girlfriend.- Abhorrent Admirer: Ray easily forgets he doesn't actually like her very much, as she's vapid, temperamental and shallow, and is almost immediately trying to wriggle out of the relationship as soon as they hit it off again. In truth she's basically a female version of Ray, minus the wealth.
- Comic Sutra: Knows how to give a 'commodore'. Ray refuses to say what it is, although it can be inferred that it's a real classy form of prostate milking.
Little Nephew
Charley "Little Nephew" Smuckles
Ray's delinquent, wannabe-rapper nephew.- Dreadful Musician: Ray seems to think so, although apparently his music is pretty popular.
- Dumbass Teenage Son: Fills this role with Ray.
- Emo Teen: Becomes goth for one arc before Nice Pete sets him straight.
- Nephewism: Might be a surrogate son to Ray, although the fact he tends to disappear for long stretches suggests he has parents somewhere and Ray only looks after him sometimes.
- Pretty Fly for a White Guy: As a cat, race doesn't really apply, but his behavior is clearly meant to evoke this.
62 Achewood Court
Teodor Orezscu
Téodor Orezscu
A teddy bear who lives at 62 Achewood Court. While fairly intelligent and possessing a number of skills, Téodor's passive nature and a tendency to slack off keeps him from being anywhere near successful.
- Author Avatar: By
Word of God. Particularly, Téodor is the most prolific of Achewood's cooks, and cooking is one of Chris Onstad's favorite hobbies. - Bad Liar: Not even Phillipe is fooled when Teodor lies.
- Butt-Monkey: If he's heavily involved in a storyline, chances are that he's going to get the short stick of the situation.
- Limited Wardrobe: Usually wears pantaloons, boots and a sweater with a T on it.
- Naked People Are Funny: Téodor is extremely comfortable with his own nudity, meaning that out of the part of the cast that wears full clothes, he's the most likely to end up naked for any number of reasons.
- The Slacker: Out of the three grown animals in the house, he's the least likely to have a job at any given time.
Cornelius Bear
Cornelius Bear
The oldest member of the cast, Cornelius is as close to being a old-style British Gentleman as you can get, despite spending most of his life in the US. An accomplished writer who has lived an interesting life, he's more than content to give advice to the younger cast.
- Cool Old Guy: Besides Lyle, Cornelius is generally respected by just about everyone in the cast.
- May–December Romance: Polly the Stripper. Walked out of her apparently lucrative career in order to get with him, no less.
- Gentleman and a Scholar: If it relates to classical history or literature, Connie probably knows more about it than you.
- Not So Above It All
- Species Surname
Lyle R. Gabriel
Lyle R. Gabriel
A lion who loves booze more than people. When he's not working as a short order cook in one of several shady restaurants, he's listening to heavy metal and generally being a nuisance to everyone else.
- The Alcoholic: "Why can't I wake up with the gin already in me?"
- Card-Carrying Villain: Lyle is a Registered Asshole in the state of California.
- Hidden Depths: Is skilled at calligraphy, hairdressing and a few other skills. He once tuned up Philippe's little go-kart and customized the horn — although he replaced the message the horn is supposed to sound out with "Here comes a huge fag".
- The Pig-Pen: Being drunk all the time comes with vomiting a lot, and Lyle doesn't care too much about where he does it. Never mind that he actually took a bath with alcohol once.
Phillipe
Philippe
Philippe is a young otter. He is five, and he's very happy with being five.
- Adorably Precocious Child
- Butt-Monkey: There are few members of the cast that are above taking advantage of a child's trusting nature, from time to time. Lie Bot in particular loves coming up with extravagant lies and stories to horrify him with.
- Cheerful Child: Rarely seen without a smile on his face.
- Gosh Dang It to Heck!: Constantly.
- Half-Dressed Cartoon Animal: Only wears pants and shoes.
- Phrase Catcher: The words "Here Comes A Special Boy" are associated with almost every gift his mother sends him.
- Ridiculously Cute Critter: A chipper toddler otter.
- Not Allowed to Grow Up: One comic strip implies that Philippe may continue to be five until far, far into the future.
Lie Bot
Lie Bot
A robot who, true to his name, lies constantly. Lie Bot frequently needles Phillipe into dangerous or humiliating situations.- Flat Character: He lies... that's pretty much it.
Other Characters
Todd Squirrel
Todd Squirrel
An incredibly stupid squirrel who spends all his time finding new ways to get high.- Addled Addict: It's hard to say whether Todd has ever not been on drugs in the comic.
- Casanova Wannabe: Had a short-lived career as a male escort, which he actually made money off of because women would pay to get away from him.Todd: I'm like the Joe Satriani of pissing chicks off.
- Species Surname
- Repetitive Name: Todd Todd Todd Todd Todd T. Squirrel.
- They Killed Kenny Again: Todd has died many times, usually due to his own stupidity and substance abuse, and he always comes back. Roast Beef's theory is that he's so repulsive and annoying no form of afterlife will accept him.
- Verbal Tic: Aside from a stutter, Todd has a tendency to throw the word "frikkin'" into the middle of a sentence. The weird thing about this is that he doesn't have any problem with saying the word "fuck" on other occasions.
Blister
Blister
A squirrel friend of Todd's who died and went to Heaven. He still comes back to Earth to visit his buddy Todd pretty often, though. Vlad
Vlad
The "Make-Out King", Vlad is a robot who looks almost identical to Lie Bot except for his hair and mustache. Vlad is a sleazy creep with a thick Russian accent.- Funetik Aksent:
- Ridiculously Human Robot: Enough to desire and perform sexual intercourse, at least.
- Throw It In!: His aforementioned Borat-esque accent originated as a typo.
Ultra Peanut
Ultra Peanut
A girl otter from China that Philippe has a crush on. Ultra Peanut has a foul mouth, a tenuous grasp of the English language, and little to no respect for Philippe's feelings or well being.- Troll: Really enjoys messing with Phillipe.
- Japanese Ranguage: Speaks with a somewhat-problematic phonetic Chinese accent.
Nice Pete
Nice Pete
A cat who was Pat's cellmate when he went to jail for shooting Roast Beef. Nice Pete is an unrepentant murderer who even the rest of the cast finds disturbing.- Axe-Crazy: The name is ironic.
- He-Man Woman Hater: A lot of his problems seem to rooted in his fear and hatred of women. He's so set in this that he literally cannot perceive women, instead seeing them as being made of "clear plastic"
- Nice Pete: For the life of me I cannot figure out how a man could love a woman when a woman is just a screaming clear area with a wig on and a hole in the middle where the smells come from.
- Odd Couple: With Pat, when he becomes his roommate later in the comic.
- Would Hurt a Child: Among his victims are children, and one of the things he loves is "the moment a young boy has truly died, his hair moving in the breeze, yet his body perfectly still". According to this comic.
