Welcome back.
Previously...Taliana was rescued, and the gang prepared for the wedding, which happened. And yes, Making Love in All the Wrong Places was still in full effect. Ronan also married Taliana, Sakura, and Mandy, and Madara was killed...possibly for good.
Also, the less said about what happened to our "hero" during the wedding...(looks around at the still-destroyed room)...the better.
So let's continue with...
Chapter 13: The Concerto--Wait, Concerto? Trying To Be Pretentious Much?
The Author's Note has the usual...and we get more TMI than we really need to know. And we see that Jake is a fucking idiot, for he thinks that Gary Stu is a name.
However, the second part of the note, especially when the Grammys are mentioned, is important, for it does partain to this chapter (and the next one). Or at least the first run-on sentence. Take a look for yourself.
- "ok anwa guyz did u see tha gramys wtf who were all thos loser im glad biebr or gaga didnt win anytting but WHO THA FOK IS ARCADE FIRE I BET TBEY SUK THEYR MODERN."
First off, this shows Jake's anti-modern music agenda, especially with what we're about to see here. Secondly...did you ever listen to Arcade Fire's music, Jake? Third, even some modern music artists have past artists as their inspiration. And with said inspiration, it can show in their music.
Chapter 13 starts with Jake...practicing. Practicing what, you ask? Playing his guitar. Yeah, we're told now that he has a band. Which isn't really hinted elsewhere, and, thus, makes it more like filler.
Oh, and one of his bandmates has a name so fucking ridiculous, it speaks for itself. The bandmate's name is Tadashiharakumaie, and he's Ronan's best friend. And, apparentally, Danny came up with the name. Okay...I'm just going to call this guy "Tada". And it shows just how much Jake flirts with Gratuitous Japanese as much as Pitbull with his Gratuitous Spanish. (The only difference is that, as stupid as the lyrics are, Pitbull is a lot more fun than Jake can ever be. Ronan, too.)
Ronan receives a phone call (with his iPhone...God, it's starting to feel like a commercial, and not a very good one, either) with Shizahu, who I presume is the manager of the band, telling him that...okay, really?...his band is signed onto a label, and his album will come out tomorrow. And everyone likes it.
Okay, okay. Who in the hell would sign him up for a label? Especially since, not to spoil anything, his songs leave a lot more to be desired. And unless if Ronan self-distributed the song, which I doubt really happened considering that this fucker's too stupid for tasks that aren't related to Ducks*, how did he manage to find the time to make the damn album?
(looks at what I said for the second question)
Guess I already answered my question: considering that all we see him do is being the worst boyfriend ever, THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE!
Anyway, to celebrate, everyone snorts cocaine (Rika's Lesson of the Day: Drugs are bad, mmkay?), and they get involved in Wooden Duck #24. And there's the guitar involved. He actually plays it. I wish I was making that up.
The album is released, and it sold very well. Somehow. Yeah, I have a hard time believing that it would sell 20 million copies in one day. Because who would find the copies, and who would immediately buy them? About the only thing I can believe is that someone would track the copies and decided to burn them because they're that bad, but...no.
Also, you ready for his band's description? Ronan describes his band as "bigger than the Beatles" (a cliche in and of itself), and a cross between three better bands: Prince, Led Zeppelin, and Bon Jovi. Okay, first off, Prince is an artist, not a band. Secondly, as mentioned, these three artists play better music, and are better acclaimed.
If I have to describe Ronan's band, a better comparison would be the band Waking the Cadaver. Ever heard of them? Their entry on the So Bad It's Horrible: Music's page details everything that's wrong with them, specifically on an album they made. And upon looking at the description (and, yes, listening to one song—sorry, guys), it holds true for Ronan's band. More on that later.
The next day, they find out that they have a concert. Yes. On the same day that their album presumably reached #1 for eternity. And to show how much Jake thinks that modern musicians suck, guess who ends up dead in a plane crash, according to the news. If you guessed "Drake, Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, and other Top 40 musicians", you're correct.
(headdesks violently)
Okay, seriously, Jake? You took the time to have the musicians you don't like killed?! Ugh...
Oh, and Ronan's band is, right now, the saviors of music and the only good band. I still find that hard to believe because...we're told about this stuff, and when we do see it, it's fucking pathetic.
So the concert happens, and the band's dressed like Master Chief. You know, from the HALO series. And Jake gets the time to explain how HALO rocks and Bioshock sucks. And, somehow, stating that Ayn Rand has something to do with the latter series. I would take the time to state how HALO is overrated, but since I've only heard of it and never played the games...I'll refrain.
Actually, wait, no, the concert happens after Wooden Duck #25 is seen. With girls. And then someone interrupts, and then the concert...oh, God.
The concert really happens, and Ronan's band name has to be seen to be believed. It's called...well...okay, I'll give you the censored version: "Tiddy Monsta". And the lyrics are exactly what I expected. Again, allow me to give you the censored version.
- Ronan: "YEAH YEAH GIRL WAN F*CK U HRD TIGHT LITTLE (Kitty) MY (Buicks) HARD!"
If you're brave enough to look at the uncensored version, you'll see that the lyrics are beyond terrible. And people actually liked it in-universe? What the fuck was wrong with them?
Oh, he rhymed "hard" with "hard". If it was ever a real song, Todd in the Shadows would have a field day with it. Or just be driven insane.
Ladies and gentlemen, the "saviors" of the music world. (facepalms)
Then Taliana shows up, changes sides yet again, and kills the crowd. Madara kidnaps pretty much the survivors, and luckily—and notably—Ronan doesn't curb-stomp Madara. After much "muhahahaha"-ing, Ronan teleports out and...the fight begins. In fact, that's all they can do in the end.
Oh, wait, Madara eats Mandy. Gross. Ronan is not happy, and...we end on a cliffhanger. Lovely.
And no one gives a shit about the Author's Notes...in fact, I'm almost tempted to not liveblog those entirely unless if they're notable.
Author's Note, rant, blah. Oh, wait, what's this? The family found out that Jake and Katie were doing things they're not supposed to, so they ended up grounded? Huh. Well, good for the families.
Though one question remains: why the fuck did they not take away his computer privileges for life? Considering that he also wrote things that he is not supposed to write?
Come to think of it, sorry to do this, but I have to say this. The contents of the story were the reasons why I almost considered not doing the liveblog entirely. Because, My Little Eye notwithstanding, all liveblogs up until this one have been a hard PG-13. This story? It has so many explicit scenes that...to be honest, I doubt it'll ever fly for this site's Content Policy, no matter how much I try to censor the everloving shit out of it.
It was to the point where I wanted to flag it myself and consider it another Old Shame. I wanted to stop the experiment, to stop this liveblog...not because I hate it, but the amount of dancing through these explicit contents is just staggering. Yeah, take away all those scenes (25 and counting!), and you won't miss much of anything. But as a liveblogger, I have to recap pretty much everything, even if it does involve dancing around topics.
And that's not counting the pointless filler that we'll see as we move on, if I decide to continue on with this liveblog.
Anyway, the chapter begins with...Ronan and Madara fighting. Ronan curb-stomps Madara by turning into his Blue-Eyes White Dragon form (yes, a fucking Blue-Eyes White Dragon!)...but then the bad guy and Taliana insist that he lost, and he should join them. Okay, hold the fuck up. Just how, in their fucked-up minds, do they think that Ronan lost? He always wins.
But then Ronan makes a Face–Heel Turn and joins the dark side, and dear fucking God, is it confusing. Mandy...who somehow fucking survived being eaten...and Sakura are upset, but then Taliana teleports them to the ocean. Then Ronan beats Taliana, and he remains in Madara's lair, where henchwomen take part in Wooden Duck #26.
Then we have another concert, where it's a deathtrap. Why? I...have no fucking idea. Please direct your attention to the music.
- Ronan: "AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH MY (Buick) IS LIKE A BIG FAT ROCKET AND UR (Kittys) LIKE A HOLE AND I F*CK U HARD AND IV GOT A HUGE POLE"
Or maybe not, considering that the music sucks just as much as his first! Actually...this is probably a suckier version of "Grenade", considering the next set of lyrics after, I wish I was making it up, Wooden Duck #27.
- Ronan: "FICKING SLUT U UGLY WHORE U HURT MY HEART U FUCKING BITCH JUST DIE!Q"
Our hero, ladies and gentlemen! When he's not bashing women and having Wooden Ducks, he's bashing them in song.
Some lesbians then engage in Wooden Duck #28, and the next Wooden Duck (#29) occurs with groupies. And remember when I asked how his member fits in his pants? It doesn't. And it is just as sickening as one can imagine.
Then Taliana, who joined in, tells Ronan that it's time, and once they arrive at the stage, lightning occurs, killing everyone but her. And Ronan. Madara shows up, and...for no reason at all...Ronan stabs him, idiotically revealing that he's a double-agent. Which makes the entire subplot of him being evil completely worthless.
Also, Sakura shows up, and she and Taliana have a mud fight. Yay? And, apparentally, Ronan being evil is part of his destiny. Okay, the prophecy said jack about him turning evil, even if it's for no reason at all.
The next day, Ronan and Sakura talk a bit, and Wooden Duck #30 occurs. Some parts are weird and gross, so thank God I'm not recapping them. Then Taliana shows up, as well as Madara. They've arrived to kill Sakura. And he decides to drop this bombshell.
- Madara: "JAKE! U MUST KNOWETH SOMETHING! TALIANA! SHE IS THOU MOTHER!"
...
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
How the fuck did Madara know this? Why the fuck did Ronan fall in love with her? Does that fucking idiot even know that he committed incest twice?!
This fanfic makes me feel dirty.
The chapter ends with Ronan screaming out the Big "NO!". Disgusting.
Fourteen chapters down. How will Ronan cope, now that he knows this? Will someone call the cops on him? And will the madness ever end?
Now, Forward! To the next liveblogging of Naruto Veangance Revelaitons!
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