Get used to the odd-as-hell title installment naming.
Anyway. Let's begin.
Our narrator informs us that in Hollywood, at Highland High (huh?), it's Christmas time. We then cut to a group of students, and the blond-haired girl asks what they're getting for Christmas.
Somewhat irrelevant, since it's jump-cutting to a book. Not just a book, but a book about the Christmas spirit. And then we jump-cut to a woman, and...you know what, as it goes on and on, it's a recap. A preview, if you will, about what the movie's going to be about. And I'm not going to recap it because, As You Know, (some, but not all) Trailers Always Spoil.
Way to go, movie. You just spoiled most of the film. Way to go.
Anyway. After the two-minute recap (I counted), the real film begins. We get the usual "cut to a book and we get to read its pages" shots. You know, the kind of stuff we see in movies nearly all the damn time. But I'm not gonna nitpick at that.
Here's how the beginning of the story goes.
- "Once upon a time, long, long ago...when the world was young and magic was everywhere* ...the evil King Otto and darkling* elf, Hoiman, had finally succeeded in capturing several of the spirits of Christmas. Miss Mistletoe, the Pine Queen, and Poinsettia Patty."
So yeah. Here's your small infodump.
We then fade to the picture of King Otto, and it fades out to the legend itself. He tells the captured spirits that it'll be a new age, one of witchcraft and black magic, and the spirits will burn.
Dude, isn't that a bit...harsh? Especially when two of the sprites are little girls!
One of the darkling elves throws a skull, and it turns into fire when it hits the ground. They declare a death to Christmas and all of the children, showing already how much of Complete Monsters the bad guys are. Which has got to be a record.
The spirits are trapped. What are they going to do? Who'll stop the bad guys?
Suddenly, an odd energy ball appears. The darkling elves and King Otto notice it, and then...
The Energy Ball uses its own attack on the fire! Normally, it wouldn't be Super Effective, but hey, it puts out the fire, anyway!
Leaping through the air (okay, technically flying) is the personification of Christmas himself, Holly Boy, a green-clad, long-haired elven man. Not counting the Power Rangers series, here, the Legolas jokes, those that have been done to death, already write themselves.
Holly Boy stands on top of the cage, looking down at King Otto and the darkling elves. He tells the king that as spirits of Christmas, they can't be stopped.
By the way, nice Fake...British? Irish? What the Hell Is That Accent?, anyway? Well, nice whatever kind of accent you're trying to imitate, Christopher. Gladly appreciated.
Otto roars, "GET HIM!", and a fight begins. Oh, wait, no. Apparentally, the bad guys can't attack Holly Boy for...some reason. Telling him to get down.
Incompetent Complete Monsters? Or just too stupid to live? You decide!
Holly Boy is amused by all the Epic Fail that's going on. So am I, actually. He goes on further on how much the villains suck, specifically, how their poisonous personalities can't harm them. And he'd like to stay, but now he must go, and he wishes the villains a happy holidays.
Seriously. But hey, at least it isn't swearing bloody revenge when someone's kidnapped. Isn't that right, Andros?
...Andros?
Eh, he's probably still busy crying over how Karone and Zhane are dating, anyway.
With a tiny bit of magic, he makes the cage levitate. While he's still on, by the way. It's official: even with some Tastes Like Diabetes-esque statements, I like Holly Boy far, far better than Andros. And he manages to beat the indecisive Danny.
Yes, I'm stating that this is the best role (that I've seen so far) for Christopher, odd accent notwithstanding. Holly Boy is not an asshole, or a Designated Hero. He's a cheerful fellow, and he's the spirit of Christmas itself? Who wouldn't get behind that idea?
Though speaking of accents, I do wonder why the kids don't have one. In the world of Holly Boy, The Kids Are American?
Anyway. After Otto screams out a big "NOOOOOOO!", we hear the narrator. He tells us that on that day, he hated Holly Boy all the more. Gee, you think?
Otto screams, "He. Must. Be. STOPPED!", and he'll be marked...dead. Ladies and gentlemen, our aversion to Never Say "Die"!
But considering that two of the leads are from the said-to-be-serious era, aren't you surprised?
So the scene fades to—AAH! ART ATTACK! That's quite the ugly picture of King Otto.
Where was I? Ah, yes. We cut back to the book.
- "King Otto, the dark forest elf, Hoiman, and his band journeyed to the fabled land of Dire to find the dreaded Witch Hazel, the Poisonous Witch!* "
So fade into the land of Dire. And...ugh. We find our Hazel. And her laugh...just lacks emotion. It makes my ears bleed. I'm not saying that she's as bad as Jennifer Yen, but she comes pretty damn close.
...oh, God, did she just spit up something into a mixture?! Ew! Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew!! Ew!
Anyway. With the ingredients including a potion of hemlock, rosehips (huh?), and a single nut shell (what?), the brew has arrived, courtesy of the bowels of Hell itself.
And yes, they did say "Hell". Don't be shocked.
Otto growls, "Will it kill him?!", and the reply is as follows: Holly Boy is eternal and blessed, so no, he can't die. It will, however, harden his heart and hold him still forever.
Yeah...forever. Um...remember in my Lightspeed Rescue's "Riding the Edge" liveblog in which I remarked that anything that may claim itself to be invincible isn't really as such? Same goes for here. Especially since the fucking two-minute recap showed that he does get free somehow! And the summary!
Oh, wait. There's but a catch. He'll only be revived in times of great sadness. Ah, okay, sorry for that scare.
So what's the plan? They must strike him by dipping the disgusting mixture into the weapon, and Holly Boy will be stayed for a time. The king roars, "YES! YEAAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!"
After that, fade back to the book.
- "And so it was that King Otto and his minions set out to find Holly Boy and strike him down."
Also, it's been said that King Otto succeeded, and in his way, he destroyed the spirit of Christmas for a time. How do we know this? Do they show us the battle?
Nope. We get the opening credits. And those are played with presumably custom-made Stock Footage of Hollywood, the city and its people. DAMN YOU, MOVIE!
Though I do wonder. In the real world, as we're about to see, do other people believe in Santa Claus or whatever their friendly equivalent of the spirit of Christmas is? Eh.
...wait just a damn minute. Did the credits seriously misspell "Khayman" as "Kayman"?
...
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(several sounds of headslams onto a wall are heard)
Okay, I'm better now. For what it's worth, though, the stock footage is very nice. It nearly sets the tone (or does, who knows?) for the entire film. Seeing what our new setting is like. And as for the credits themselves, aside from a misspelling that I mentioned before (I did, however, let "Edward Lawrence Albert" slide, being the nice person I am), it doesn't have any idiotic additions like the shaky cam feature. Like Kickboxing Academy.
Anyway, as soon as the credits are done, we cut right back to the beautiful forest. A woman tells someone else the story of the area. No, not the legend, but how the forest is used. And we get a name for it. Ready for it? "Holly Woods".
Yes. Holly Boy, Hollywood, Holly Woods...the pun's just...
Oh, and it gets better. Guess what the Holly Woods grow. No, seriously, guess.
If you guessed "holly", you are correct.
Then Britta grows upset over the fact that the forests are going to be used for real estate. The old woman notices that she's upset about...something. What is it? To Britta, it doesn't feel like Christmas.
The old woman stares at Britta. And that's all we have thus far for this installment.
So...what would Britta decide to make it feel like Christmas? Will Holly Boy recover from the slumber? And...where the hell is King Otto, and if he survived (pfft, fat chance, right?), how in the hell did he do so?
All these questions and more will be revealed on the next livebloggening of A Light in the Forest: The Legend of Holly Boy!
