gjjones
Since: Jul, 2016
Mar 10th 2021 at 11:25:31 AM
•••
I would agree with cutting it down. My version of this entry would read something like this:
- Oh, Crap!: After realising too late that he should have leveraged Qrow for the Winter Maiden, Ironwood decides to leverage Yang, Jaune and Ren. Once he learns from Harriet that Winter let them go, Ironwood has a brief panic as he turns to face Winter.
Wyldchyld
(Old as dirt)
Mar 10th 2021 at 11:46:49 AM
•••
'Brief panic' is pretty zero-context. That could be verbal, non-verbal, physical, etc. So, how about:
"Once he learns from Harriet that Winter let them go, Ironwood turns to Winter in stunned horror."
If my post doesn't mention a giant flying sperm whale with oversized teeth and lionfish fins for flippers, it just isn't worth reading.
gjjones
Since: Jul, 2016
Mar 10th 2021 at 11:52:58 AM
•••
I see. Maybe this would work:
"However, Ironwood faces Winter with a horrified expression once he learns that she let them go."
Edited by gjjones He/His/Him. No matter who you are, always Be Yourself.
Wyldchyld
(Old as dirt)
Mar 11th 2021 at 10:49:48 AM
•••
Yep, that's fine.
If my post doesn't mention a giant flying sperm whale with oversized teeth and lionfish fins for flippers, it just isn't worth reading.
gjjones
Since: Jul, 2016
Mar 11th 2021 at 12:59:31 PM
•••
Okay, I’ve implemented the change.
He/His/Him. No matter who you are, always Be Yourself.
SolunaRose
Since: Apr, 2019
Feb 27th 2021 at 7:13:24 PM
•••
Would the trope "Psycho" Strings be appropriate for this episode? As Ironwood loses more of his sanity or displays how unhinged he is, it almost sounds like there are strings playing in the music. I could be mishearing, but I wanted to see if this trope applies.
Edited by SolunaRose Hide / Show Replies
SolunaRose
Since: Apr, 2019
The Oh, Crap! entry needs trimming. I've got no problem with that, but the trim that just happened actually removed the part that was the trope and left behind the part that was the Word Cruft.
The entry needs to focus on his expression. It's the detail of the expression that's the trope. Everything else is either context or Word Cruft.
So, here's a suggestion:
- Oh, Crap!: After realising too late that he should have leveraged Qrow for the Winter Maiden, Ironwood decides to leverage Yang, Jaune and Ren. When Harriet tells him that Winter let them go, he stiffens, slowly turning his head to look at Winter, an expression of stunned horror on his face.
Edited by Wyldchyld If my post doesn't mention a giant flying sperm whale with oversized teeth and lionfish fins for flippers, it just isn't worth reading. Hide / Show Replies