We try to kill SCP-682

Result: Failure: SCP-682 prove impervious to Kratos' weapons and painted the walls red with his blood. SCP-682 is the God of War. [REDACTED] people and [REDACTED] deities died in resulting wars before the position of God of War was retired entirely.

Test: Place several giant sponges in the room with SCP-682.

(For those who aren't aware, there are three primary ways to kill something in Dwarf Fortress: destroy its brain, bisect it, or make it bleed out. Giant sponges are brainless, only have one body part (and thus (at least by game logic) cannot be cut in twain), and have no blood.)

Result: 682 tore apart and consumed the sponges, before uttering a growl that loosely sounded like "Seconds, please."

Experiment: Have it fight Asura.

"Overkill? We blazed past overkill on a rocket sled 20 pages ago!" Dr. [REDACTED].

Result: Failure. He's technically not a human, so SCP-682 didn't bother Asura.

Send SCP-682 to the Hall of Death

Result: Failure. Unable to locate said "Hall of Death"

Experiment: Read it Vogon poetry

Result: 682 adapted ears away before destroying speakers.

Test: Introduction of 682 to Tv tropes.

Result:Tvtropes was deleted causing several nerds to commit seppuku.

Test:Introduce SCP-343 into 682's chanber.

Result: Experiment Cancelled.

"We tried that already! Apparently it 'isn't one of his.'" Dr. [REDACTED].

Experiment: Arm a Task Force with every incarnation of the RYNO (Rip You a New One) and fire non-stop at SCP-682 until all ammunition in the facility is exhausted.

edited 25th Sep '12 8:24:57 AM by Randomman5

Result: Failure - although several large chunks of flesh were blown off of 682, damaged ceased after 682 [DATA EXPUNGED] the rockets

Experiment: create a human-682 hybrid, introduce to 682

edited 15th Sep '12 2:16:30 PM by WaitDidIDoThat

Result: Test denied. "We're trying to KILL it, not make another!" -O5-3

Experiment: Force it to perform for human amusement.

edited 15th Sep '12 6:36:29 PM by VmKid

Result: SCP-682 grew three new limbs for juggling, put on a fluffy pink tutu, and rode a unicycle on a tightrope while juggling rubber chickens. However, SCP-682 still wants to kill everything.

Test: Lock SCP-682 in a room without air, light, water, or any necessities of life.

Result: Failure. 682 broke out.

Test: Encase 682 in a gelatinous cube.

Result:682 broke out.

"Really now were just getting silly."-Dr. [REDACTED]

Test:Completely vaporize SCP-682. Down to the last cell.

Result: It worked.

Great. Now what do we do?

After twelve days of boredom, Doctor [REDACTED] used an old DNA sample to clone SCP-682.

edited 18th Sep '12 6:22:16 PM by ATC

Result: Success/Failure, SCP-682 is well, there

Experiment:forcefully alter 682's appearance to resemble one of the many rule 34 images of itself that circulate on the internet, expose 682 to mirror

edited 18th Sep '12 9:00:23 PM by WaitDidIDoThat

Result: 682 made a sound somewhat akin to a laugh before breaking the mirror. It was placed back into containment, and had returned to its normal appearance within 12 hours.

Experiment: Throw SCP-682 into The Plot Hole.

Result: Failure. 682 proceeded to terrorize an alternate universe. Containment was successful by [DATA EXPUNGED] means.

Test: Implant SCP-682 with a Mind Control chip and force it to reveal the only way to destroy it.

Result: Failure - 682 expelled the chip from it's body

Experiment: attempt to take the regenerative and adaptive properties of 682 and modify them for human usage

since we haven't been able to kill this thing, we might as well take it's advantage and make it our own, right?

Result: Success/failure. The adaptive/regenerative effects were successfully extracted and copied. However, the mice that were used for testing all went berserk. Of course, they're still just mice, so they can't do all that much, but we're still suffering from a mice infestation now.

Great... "Hey guys, let's make some invincible lab rats! What could possibly go wrong?". Who came up with this idea anyways?

Test: Make a vertical chute, then create a portal on both the floor and the ceiling of said chute before dropping 682 into it, sending it into an infinite fall.

edited 22nd Sep '12 2:15:25 PM by neobullseye

Result: 682 broke through the walls of the chute and escaped. It was, however, incredibly dizzy from the experience, vastly simplifying its containment.

Experiment: Write "SCP-682" into a Death Note.

Result: Failure. Code names do not work.

Test: Introduce SCP-682 to SCP-4445. This is not expected to lethally harm the subject, but buy us a lot of time.

edited 24th Sep '12 6:37:56 AM by Jusamies

Result: Cancelled. "We already TRIED that!" - Dr. [REDACTED]

Experiment: Introduce it to the Daleks, so they will EXTERMINATE! it.

"They will wipe that genetic monstrosity out of existence!" - Guest Researcher Dav███

Result: Failure: The Daleks are no more, and 682 escaped through the hole they blasted to get in, causing [REDACTED] casualties. On the bright side, the Daleks have been EXTERMINATED.

Test: Unleash The Funniest Joke In the World upon SCP-682.

Result: Failure, abject Failure 682 didn't get the joke

Experiment: I'm afraid we have no other option anymore, it looks like in order to be rid this thing we call a monster, we must become that which we are trying to destroy, I am recommending a viral agent carrying a plasmid which will convert the genetic material of the entire human population to a hybrid variant of 682's, specifically I advise dispersal of the agent via the upper atmosphere to maximize exposure -Dr [ENTRY DELETED]

edited 28th Sep '12 3:49:58 PM by WaitDidIDoThat

Result: Experiment Cancelled.

"NO! ALL OF THE NO! WHY THE HELL WOULD WE DO THIS?! WE'RE TRYING TO KILL THE DAMN THING, NOT MAKE IT COMFORTABLE!" - Dr. [REDACTED].

Experiment: Drop it onto Mega-Man-style instant-death spikes.

edited 29th Sep '12 9:06:08 AM by Randomman5

Result: Failure. The spikes exploded in a fashion not dissimiliar to how SCP-682 was expected/hoped to explode.

Test: Make more Megaman-esque spikes, but this time make them out of solid Metanium, then drop SCP-682 on those.

edited 30th Sep '12 3:52:41 AM by neobullseye