All Purpose Negima Fanfiction Thread

Nodoka (now in fabulously Stripperiffic black-clad glory) and Haruna (for once, much more conservatively clothed than her) advanced towards the direction Nodoka and Kero could feel the Clow Card's power radiating from, magical weapons in hand.

"So, can you tell which card is it?" Not-Deathnote asked.

"No, it isn't that easy," Kerberos said in a hushing tone. "Keep it low, noisy girl, you could scare her. Most Clow Cards are actually very timid..."

"M-Maybe we should call Negi-sensei and the others...?" Nodoka stammered.

"Oh, you know they're too busy with the whole Konoka kidnapping. Besides, I'm sure we can handle this ourselves!" Haruna grinned. "We're going to be a Dynamic Duo! Well, maybe we can rope Yuecchi into a Batgirl costume and make ourselves a trio..." she allowed, "But the point is, if those girls can be superheroines, we can, too! I've already chosen my codename and everything!"

"Don't tell me. Deathnote Paru-sama Mark II," Kero deadpanned.

"Actually, since I'm far faster than Paru-sama, I'll call myself in a way that reminds everyone how I'm superior to her!" Haruna chuckled. "I'll be known as... Speed Grapher!"

Nodoka and Kero made matching sour faces.

"What?" Haruna grunted. "It's sexy-sounding, hard edged and with a hint of dangerousness!"

"It's dorky," Kero opined.

"If the living plushie says it, it's a good sign," Haruna waved a hand. "Hey, why don't we ask Negi-kun his opinion? Hey, Negi-kun!" she called for the oddly dressed Negi now doubling a corner near them. "Whatcha doing here? And mostly—"

The Negi looked at them weirdly and drew a sword out, making all three of them gasp. Now he fully stepped into their view, they could see he was dressed like the prince of a Disney movie, complete with cape and shiny boots and golden buttons.

"Free my girlfriend, Iin— Evil witch! Or else, I'll forget I'm a British gentleman!" he said, in a loud and demanding voice.

"UWA-?-!" Nodoka backpedalled, all the while trying to cover her scantily clad self with her staff and arms.

"Aw, great, now we have a third Negi? Cute one, badass one, now psycho one? Ummm, this has potential..." Haruna pondered.

"Beware!" Kero hissed, somehow managing to give the impression he had crawling fur on his back, like an angry cat. "This isn't your teacher! I can feel he's only a Clow Card construct!"

"Ah! A fake, like those in the inn?" Haruna said. "Well," she drew herself a sword of her own, a bokken, "I can handle him, then! Uncle Tatewaki taught me one thing or two on swordplay!"

"OHHH HO HO HO!" an eerily familiar voice laughed from behind them. "Come to me, young prince, because I'm going to—'!"

Haruna and Nodoka saw there was an Ayaka wearing a black robe and pointy witch that standing at their backs, brandishing a star-tipped wand. She and Negi seemed to be staring at each other rather than looking at the librarians.

"These absurd constructs only can mean the Create card is in play!" Kero said.

"The Create?" Haruna asked.

"Yes!" Kero nodded. "The Card materializes itself as a book. Whoever writes on it has their creations one the pages briefly appear as solid objects in the physical world!"

That made Haruna go pale. "I... I have been rendered redundant!"

She was so shocked, actually, Nodoka had to pull her aside when Negi and Ayaka charged at each other, or else she'd have been caught between them. "My role in the story has been usurpated!" she said, looking at her trembling hands. "I'm like Hawkman when Superman is around! I'll most likely end up becoming either comic relief or a second stringer who—!"

Kero slapped her face several times. "WAKE UP! First, the Card only works at night! Second, its creations aren't very strong! Third, they don't last long anyway! It's mostly useful only for crearing illusions and distracting the enemy with weak figures given life!"

That made Haruna recover. "For real, Kero-chan? Ooooohhhh, you've pumped life back into me!" she said, hugging him to her chest, smothering him between her breasts. "You're such a cutie...!"

He kicked around wildly. "I don't need to breath, but I still feel like you're crushing my head! Lemme out...!"

Nodoka rushed to Negi's side, staff ready. "I-I-I'll seal it! I'm going to be careful, b-but—!"

Right then, however, the struggle between Negi and Ayaka stopped so abruptly it made Nodoka reel away in shock. Suddenly, the blond Witch stopped laughing and her tone became sad and distant. "Oh!" she said, revealing her true form as an angelic vision of beauty with long golden hair. "The truth is, fair prince, I always admired you in silence! But this evil little wench had spreaded lies and slander about me, and took over the throne that rightfully was mine! She casted me out of my own kingdom and seduced you with her false innocence, and I had to learn the arts of magic to claim my fair revenge!"

"What the...?" Kero blinked.

"Only Iincho could write anything so trite to paint herself in a sympathetic light," Haruna said. "She must have the book!"

Moved by her story, the Negi prince knelt before Ayaka, streaming copious tears of sympathy. "Fair enchantress," he said, "I apologize over all the pain I caused you! Truly, my eyes were blind to the truth all this time! How can I ever repay you for these years of suffering?"

"Oh God, I think I'll puke," Haruna took a hand to her stomach.

"For once, we can agree on something," Kero copied her action.

Ayaka breathed harder now, her excited breathing becoming faster and almost frantic, as she replied, "Why, you'd make me the world's happiest woman if you married me!"

"BWAAAHHH?-!" the Clow Staff faltered between Nodoka's hands.

"Nodoka, just bonk them on the head already," an annoyed Kero said. "That should suffice; direct contact with the Card itself isn't needed, just in this case..."

But Nodoka only could stand there with spiralling eyes and a rebooting brain as Negi and Ayaka's faces closed in to kiss each other.

And then...

Chapter Three: Nuclear Exposition Fairy 2: Electric Boogaloo

Negi knew there were very few things in life that he should fear. Being a magister magi, he also knew he'd have to face his fears and brave his way past them, because that's the manly way of living. And he was certain that through everything else, he wouldn't disappoint Kotaro's words when he'd called him “Man amongst men!”.

But if there was something that Negi and the wolf hanyou agreed in, there was one healthy fear. It Is the reason why you never add fuel to Evangeline's fire unless you have a death wish. Immortal or not, that was one line that no one dared cross. No one had the balls. And those that did, who were few and who generally kept to themselves, steered clear of her when the results of their provoking were about to unfold.

Yet he had still done it accidentally. Sure, Louise might not be able to throw glaciers with a flick of her wrist, but there was no doubt in his heart that she was still as scary as she needed to be. Simple resemblance was tripping every single alarm he had. He tried to raise his hands in a gesture of surrender, but the pink beast kept advancing.

“Tell me, familiar! Why can you use magic if you're not a noble!?” The implications of his magic ability were starting to get at her, and she wasn't finding it fun. Either he was lying about not being a noble or he was a freak of nature.

He was still trying his best to disarm her rage. “I went to magic academy.”

“What kind of academy would teach a commoner? Nevermind that, why can you use magic!?”

“I come from a world where the social classes are divided by wealth, not birthright, although they tend to go hand in hand. Capitalists, those who have wealth, and the Proletariat, the work force.” He explained in the simplest terms he could. She'd misinterpret, most likely, but he could explain in depth later. “Anyone can learn magic, provided they have the dedication.” he finished.

Louise was at a loss for words. A world where everyone could be a mage? That could not possibly be true. “Don't lie to me, familiar!”

“I'm not lying!” he responded, frowning slightly.

It would take several more tries and repeats of fairly simple arguments before Louise's denial fell to pieces. She wasn't having a good day at all, even if her familiar had, at the very least, proved himself worthy of being a familiar.

Though she'd practically kicked him out of the room, she'd said she wanted some time to think, he wasn't looking down. In fact, he was carrying a basket of Louise's clothes with him, a smile on his face, and of course, the knowledge that he had absolutely no idea what to do with it.

Still, he'd like to think he'd made a friend in the staff. Or at least an acquaintance. Enough that if he found Siesta, he should be able to get directions. And by that, he meant where to take the clothes and/or how to wash them. After all, he was first and foremost a businessman who doubled as a diplomat these days.

So as to not get lost in a tower, he went the most direct route. A helpful second year who hadn't bothered to introduce himself pointed him at the stairs, congratulated him on his battle with Guiche and then waved him off.

Nice enough guy.

It took directions from three more people to actually find the kitchen. The academy was ostentatious and large, exaggeratedly so, in his opinion. They could have made a functional academy that required much less space.

Then again, he was used to facilities designed for practicality instead of elegance, even if simplicity had it's own flair, it couldn't compete with exploring a new place. During the day, he got a much better look at the middle-age architecture and furniture. It was, indeed, exquisite.

Finally, after much wandering around, he did come across Siesta, who took him to the kitchens. Apparently, the rest of the staff wanted to congratulate him on his victory on Guiche, and were curious about him.

The head chef didn't receive them with open arms. When Negi was greeted with a half hearted hello, he frowned. “Did something happen? You were all much livelier yesterday...”

Siesta herself glared at the rest of the staff. “Negi is not like the other nobles!” She declared.

“I'm not even a noble...” Negi corrected, and as if he'd flipped a switch, the mood of the room changed to a much more welcoming atmosphere.

“But you are a mage!” The head chef said, narrowing his eyes.

“Lay off, man. If he says he isn't, then we'll believe him.” One of the younger members of the staff, most likely a dishwasher, yelled while cleaning his hands. “He's a familiar, after all.”

“Even if he was, he's not like the rest.” One of the maids added, while she looked the new arrival up and down.

“Fine, fine.” The chef said. “I'm guessing you're hungry, aren't you? After all, your master didn't feed you anything.” the man replied, reminding Negi of his own staff for a minute.

Negi smiled and shook his head. “It's alright, I am used to this.” he said, bowing to the head chef. “Why do you hate nobles so much?” he asked, looking at the large man (although he admitted he wasn't the tallest man around, the chef was still intimidatingly large).

“Why not?” The chef replied with another question.

“Yeah, they are all assholes.” One of the other cooks spoke.

“They aren't all bad.” Negi replied, frowning. “They're just... a bit stuck up.”

“Understatement of the... Biggest understatement ever.”

Siesta noticed Negi hadn't joined the round of laughter. “Negi, why are you carrying that?” She wondered why it'd taken her so long to notice the fact that he was carrying a basket with feminine clothes on him. Most likely not his.

“Ah, right, that. I was wondering if you could teach me how to wash those. This is kind of new to me.” he said, scratching the back of his neck with one arm while holding the basket up with the other. “Please?”

Siesta smiled. “Sure!” She ignored the fact she'd be ditching work for that. She didn't give two halves of a damn. After all, there were more important things than work. Like pursuing a marriage option. She could already think of the family, the farmhouse, the white picket fence...

The head chef suddenly stared at them both for a second, noticing the faint blush on Siesta's cheeks and the young man's handsome looks. “Oh ho ho ho!” It was then that Negi noticed that the chef somehow managed to have a better noblewoman's laugh than Kirche. It didn't faze him as much as it should have, and that was what disturbed him. “I see what's going on here... You go, girl, we'll be supporting you from here!”

Neither Negi nor Siesta managed to figure out what the hell he'd meant by that. Siesta because she was in her own little world and Negi because he was busy trying to politely reject the affections of the rest of the maids.

Turns out, Siesta was a hands on teacher... Though hands on what, I won't tell you.

"Negius," Takahata greeted him with a confident smirk. "I am pleased to see you have become such a... fit young man. I look forward to taking care of you until your maturity in every possible way..."

"And that's why Ancient Greece rocked!" Haruna said with a grin and a thumbs up.

Negi was slightly pale. "Well, that, ahhh... was a very... passionate History presentation, Haruna-san..."

"So I get an A+, right?"

"W-Well... Not exactly. No."

"Okay, Dent," he hissed, crossing his arms behind his back. "When my twins wanted to date you, I blew my top, I'll admit it, because it's what any good or bad father would do, already homicidal or not, when told his darlings are going to date a half-hideous two-bit psycho with a Drama Queen complex."

"Harvey isn't half-hideous!" Fuuka whined.

Joker pointed at the still healthy half of Dent's face and cringed in disgust. "Of course he is! Just look at that! Ewwwww! Anyway, Harv, I still played along. I tried to be nice, and nice is something I just don't do..."

"Father, I brought another kitty. Actually, he followed me home. Can I...?" Chachamaru shyly appeared at the door.

He waved a purple gloved hand at her. "As long as it stays at your room. Go away, don't interrupt me..."

"Thank you, Father..."

Dent chuckled. "You know, they've made you—"

"Say it and I pop your eyes out and feed them to rabid weasels stuck up your buttcrack!" Joker threatened. "Look, bottom line is, I consented their going out with you! I even endured that 'father in law' crack you once did!"

He shrugged. "The coin landed tails, and the bad side wanted to joke for once. We were drunk..."

"What I don't tolerate, however, was turning my kids into your copycats!" he pointed at Fuuka and Fumika.

"They took that decision on their own," Two-Face coldly said.

"Actually, we flipped coins," Fumika said.

Joker rubbed the bridge of his long, pointy nose. "It's a complete lack of style! Most parents only have to tolerate piercing or tattoos! You two had to go and douse your faces with freaking acid?-!"

Fuuka sighed and ran a hand over her scarred left side. "It's the permanent marking of love...!"

Fumika sighed and ran a hand over her scarred right side. "It's more telling than a plain old and boring marriage ring...!"

Asuna passed by. "Oh, hey. You changed your looks or something? No, don't tell me, let me see... You switched hairstyles today, didn't you?"

Dent looked at her face with mild fascination. "Mismatched eyes, blue and green..."

Joker pushed a gun against Dent's throat. "Out of my face now, Harv."

That wasn't the problem. The problem lied on the red skinned fiery lizard sitting in the middle of the hallway, the lizard he'd only noticed when it prepared to charge.

It was a mystery of nature to see how they seemed to stare at each other for an eternity, Flame's low growls receiving no reply. “This is not gonna end well, is it?” He could have sworn the salamander shook its head before charging. Following orders, huh? Dodging it once or twice hadn't been a problem, but the thing was cunning, for a beast.

The crocodile tears gambit hooked him in far too easily. It had a surprisingly strong jaw, he noted, while praying for the welfare of his suit.

––

It didn't take long for him to find out where exactly Flame wanted to take him. Though dusk had given way to the night by the time they did. He was practically dumped inside a room lined with candles. The atmosphere was nothing short of charged with sexuality.

He wasn't a newcomer to those sorts of situations. Why, he'd been tasked with creating a proper atmosphere before.

“Welcome...” And that sultry voice was unmistakable. Neither was the dark skinned redheaded bombshell standing in front of him in what could only be described as almost there pajamas. Well, maybe she did have enough to compete with Haruna's risque choices.

“Hi, Miss Zerbst.” Though he was certain the formality wouldn't be an issue at this point, old habits, they die hard.

“Welcome to my humble abode, Negi...” She purred. “My runic name is 'The Ardent', because my passion burns... Do you know why?”

This was going places too fast. He was, however, having a hard time maintaining his composure and wasn't noticing that. “... W-Why?”

“Don't you understand? I am in love!”

“I do not think this is a good idea. You are underage.” He said, trying to back away, feeling the thick, hard skull of a fiery lizard getting in the way. He still tried anyway.

“Your strength! Your knowledge! Your elegance!” Clearly exaggerations. She wasn't thinking clearly. Hormones be damned. “Ah, when I saw you fight Guiche, my body was on fire!”

Negi blinked, because she was invading his personal space.

“I know that you can help me sate this hunger! Maybe you could be the one who can awaken those who are denying themselves the pleasures of life!” Wait, what?

“Wait what?”

“I canceled all of my appointments, Negi, because I have something to discuss with you!” She backed away, and the temperature decreased rather noticeably. For him, anyway. “You see, your master, Valliere, is repressing her womanhood! This cannot be healthy!”

“I could be arrested for this...” He muttered under his breath. “What do you mean?”

“I am an expert in the ways of the heart and the body!” The ways involving lust, anyway. “I can see the look on her face when you aren't looking! I've seen how she stares at your perfectly smooth and round cheeks!” And for some reason, Negi was entirely sure she wasn't talking about his face. “She desires you, Negi! And I want to facilitate her desire!”

“You two are really good friends, aren't you?” He asked.

Kirche seemed to falter. “Our families have been rivals for generations. I thought I could mend our relationship, but a bit of playful teasing went too far...” Kirche began explaining.

A lengthy tale involving many events of mild lesbianism, lots and lots of sex scenes and family rivalry ensued.

“And that is why nobody, not even those who make fun of her, dares to call her flat chested.” They were both sitting on Kirche's suspiciously well made bed.

Negi had had his own barriers destroyed, as he sat, making a very fine impression of a tomato, with his hands and eyes glued to his lap. “... Did you really..? With the..?” He couldn't even bring himself to name the actions.

“Of course!” Kirche replied, with a seductive smirk on her face. “Twice, in fact!”

“You want to be her friend? More?” Negi sighed. “I guess I can see where you come from. You don't do this for your own amusement. You do it because you want to see others happy. It makes you happy. Being the one who makes them forget the hardships of the world... It's selfish, you know?”

Kirche seemed hurt for a minute. She was pensive.

“We are slaves to others' happiness, aren't we?” He said, a smile on his face. The smile made Kirche's worries go away for a while, as she scooted closer to him, dangerously so. She was letting herself get swayed.

“... Maybe I could test the goods myself...” Kirche smirked seductively. She draped herself over her target and pressed him against the bed. She pulled back only to get her bearings back, she hadn't expected him to talk-

“That could be dangerous...” He cursed his inability to not be Prince Charming. “Because right now, every single one of my instincts is telling me to run away as fast as I can.”

“Huh? Why?” Her pout almost made him reconsider.

“Because if experience has taught me anything, it's that Master will walk in at the worst moment possible... Believe me, it has happened plenty of times to me.”

Kirche blinked. “Oh, you wouldn't believe how many times I've had people walk in on me when I am expressing my love!” She declared. “Very well then, some other time, perhaps?”

“Sure!”

The moment he was out of the room, Kirche noticed a pink blur dashing after him... She closed the door and set about relieving herself of the tension. She'd been so close, too!

She dragged a foot around somewhat sheepishly. "Well, you see.. I had to get him first. If Fate-chan had done it, you wouldn't still have the other half of your city standing, either..!"