Provide disproportionate retribution to the misdemeanor above

Everyone finds you creepy.

I'm one second late for work.

You are tarred and feathered by your boss, forced into a hand-basket and fired out of a cannon- in the sun's direction. From the top of Everest.

I failed to look both ways crossing an empty street.

You get run over by a convoy of trucks.

I read the newspaper.

You see a picture of me cosplaying as myself.

I listen to Pixies.

You are tied upside-down to a tree as blood rushes to your head, eventually causing death.

I make sixteen crow puns and a joke about zombie sex.

Zombie crows peck your eyes out, then eat your brains.

I make a lame joke.

You get punched in the face.

The whole world laughs with you.

Galactus devours the world.

I sit on the couch.

She walks up to the window, and leaps into the sky.

So do I.

Instead of falling down, you end up falling upwards, into the atmosphere, where your head explodes from lack of oxygen and pressure.

I become invincible.

Your friends get eaten by velociraptors.

I say a bad word.

Your mother is offended.

The BBC broadcast End Of Evangelion, uncut, on Christmas Day at 2 in the afternoon.

Religious nuts bludgeon you with their bibles.

I become a god.

Your followers turn on you and imprison you for all eternity.

I waste time on the internet.

Your internet router comes to life and strangles you with an ethernet cord.

Alice forgot Bob's birthday.

Bob kills Alice.

A girl gets hit by a car and dies.

The car blows up.

I'm up all night to get lucky.

You don't.

I swallowed a bug.

It's a wasp.

The Walrus Was Paul.

Paul gets shot in the face by Boxen, as there can only be one.

I made a shady deal with a certain individual who refused to show their face.

edited 30th Sep '13 2:47:37 PM by Brahian1

Said individual then knifed you in the back.

I turn into the Hulk.

The army nukes you and you don't have the real Hulk's durability to survive it.

I accidentally stepped on a protozoan.

Other protozoans kill you when you least expect it.

I drive along the highway while listening to an audiobook.

Thick ropes of nylon are tied around each of your limbs and you are splayed outwards in a fan shape. Attached to the ropes are four tractors which, on the tweet of a whistle, each travel outwards at a lazy pace. The torque increases steadily the joints strained the tendons torn the ligaments frayed screaming the blood the limbs are gradually torn asunder from their bases and you are left a screaming, unthinking yet somehow conscious torso to bleed upon the concrete until departure.

I stand too closely to someone else in a mostly-vacant elevator.

That person turns out to be an alien overlord, who beams you up to his ship to be tortured and experimented on, then leaves you in the desert to die as a mutilated freak of nature.

I dress up as Spider-Man for Halloween.

edited 2nd Oct '13 5:21:50 PM by IchigoMontoya