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    Murder House 

Constance Langdon:

(to Moira) "Don't make me kill you again."

"Is there anything more wonderful than the promise of a new child... or more heartbreaking when that promise is broken?"

(to Moira) "Until I get a full set. Then it's off to eBay, where I'll make a pretty penny and you'll be accused of theft. You are a thief of Biblical proportions, after all, your specialty being weak husbands."

(to Moira) "Every time I find my heart breaking just a sliver for you, I suddenly remember, you made this mess for yourself. And, I also remember, every time I see that ghostly eye, that I was and continue to be a hell of shot."

"One of the comforts of having children is knowing one's youth has not fled, but merely been passed down to a new generation. They say when a parent dies, a child feels his own mortality. But when a child dies, it's immortality that a parent loses."

"You should show some respect. You're not an archaeologist. You should stop unearthing while you're ahead."

(to Tate) "God, after all the missteps, we finally have somebody in this house that maybe can help you. Tell me you did not crawl on top of that man's wife."

"I have long stopped wondering why the mad do mad things."

(to Billie Dean) "That's all very interesting, but what do we do about the gays? I mean, how do we get rid of them?"

Vivien Harmon:

(to Ben) "You buried your sorrow in some 21 year old's pussy."

(to Ben) "If you are about to diagnose me with Post-traumatic Shock Syndrome, I'm going to bash your goddamn face in."

Ben Harmon:

(about Hayden) "You see that crazy bitch, you tell her we're done. I'm not playing your games. You come back on this property, and I will kill you. You hear me? I will kill you."

(to Tate) "You're a psychopath, Tate. It's a mental disorder, and therapy can't cure it."

Violet Harmon:

"So we're the Addams family now."

(to Ben) "How is it that a big fancy shrink hasn't noticed that his wife has totally lost her shit? You're a cheater: Young girls, old ladies with feather dusters! You're so weird and pathetic I'm surprised you're not after me."

"So…all this time, I thought I was protecting you. But you were protecting me."

"Is this some headshrinker trick to make me feel sorry for you?"'

(to Tate) "One of these days this computer will be obsolete. People will have microchips implanted in their brains or something. We won't be able to watch YouTube. We'll be like all the others here, prisoners in a windowless cell."

Tate Langdon:

(to Violet) "You can't Violet! If you tell anyone what we know, they'll say you're crazy. They'll lock you up. They'll try to take you away from here! We'd never see each other again!"

"Hi, I'm Tate. I'm dead. Wanna hook up"

"Dear God thank you for the salty pig meat we are about to eat along with the rest of the indigestible swill and thank you for the new charade of a family. My father left me when I was only six if I had known any better I would have joined him and mostly because she’s been trying to get back into this house ever since she lost him Lord a big thank you for blinding the asshole that’s doing my mother so that he can’t see what everybody already knows, she doesn’t really love him."

(to Chad & Patrick) "You're going to steal the twins?! You pathetic homos couldn't steal the shit out of your own ass!"

(to Violet) "You are the only light I've ever known."

"I'll wait... Forever if I have to."

Moira O'Hara:

"I'll get the shovel, you get the bleach."

"I don't want to be here anymore! I'm frightened! I miss my mother!"

"I've always heard Persians have big, thick cocks. Something a girl can gnaw on."

(to Ben) "Congratulations, Dr. Harmon. You're finally beginning to see things as they are."

Larry Harvey:

"Now give me my treat. You don't want the trick."

"The one thing about the dead is they've got nothing left to lose."

Hayden Mc Claire:

"Who gives a shit!? You're like a girl sulking down here in the basement instead of doing something about what's really bothering you."

(to Travis) "A baby what? Fossil?"

(to Moira & Constance) "Hey bitches. Got that slime off my baby yet?""

(to Tate) "Grow a pair. She's not into you. You're not getting back in her, she'll never talk to you again."

Adelaide Langdon:

"Excuse me: you are going to die in there."

"You're gonna regret it."

"I wanna be a pretty girl."

Chad Warwick:

"And pick me up some Gala apples. I thought these Golden Delicious would look dramatic in the bobbing bucket. They just look dull and depressing. There's no contrast."

(to Tate) "I am quaking in my loafers. What are you going to do? Murder me?"

(to Constance) "We’re going to wait until they [the twins] reach that adorable age — about a year or year and a half — and then we are going to smother them with hypoallergenic pillows. That way they’ll be cute forever."

Minor Characters:

Marcy: "Everybody thinks they have style, and everybody thinks they're funny. Most people aren't."

Leah: "The Devil is real. And he's not a little red man with horns and a tail. He can be beautiful. Because he's a fallen angel, and he used to be God's favorite."

Billie Dean Howard: "I see it all the time. The dead can hold a grudge better than most Scorpios."

Marcy: "Everything was meticulously restored by a couple of the previous homos. Owners. Homeowners."

Marcy: "A woman in my line can't be too careful. There are a lot of minority men in this city who would like nothing more than to ravage me on this counter-top."

Joe Escandarian: "There are three reasons I deal with women: sex, money, or making me sandwiches. And unless you're planning on going into my kitchen and slapping some ham between two slices of bread... this conversation is over."

'Billie Dean: "A perversion of the Immaculate Conception...The Devil wants more bang for his buck."

    Asylum 

Sister Jude:

"You're out of your depth, Miss Lana Banana."

"I wonder: did her dark meat slide off the bone any easier than your other victims?"

"Mental illness is just a fashionable name for sin."

"All monsters are human."

"Who would you like to call, Ms. Winters? The American Civil Lesbians Union?"

(to Arden)"I prayed about it...when I wasn't praying for you to find a halfway decent haberdasher."

"Mrs. Potter, you needn't worry. Good boys gone bad is my area of expertise. I've had great success in curbing the chronic masturbator."

"A sexual deviant, a Mexican and a pinhead won't get far in this storm. I hope they all drown out there."

(to Kit) "I'm right! Because women are always right."

Lana Winters:

"I'm not ready to die."

(to an unconscious Thredson) "One day, I'll bury you."

(about journalists) "We are vultures...attracted to the scent of rotting meat."

"I'm tough. But I'm no cookie."

(about Monsignor Howard) "I've got broad shoulders but I can't take credit for what his guilty conscience made him do. That man was a particular kind of liar: the kind who lies to himself about being a liar. He was so corrupt and deluded he believed his own lies. Lies are like scars on your soul. They destroy you."

Kit Walker:

"I'm not crazy"

"There is no God. Not one that would've created the things I saw."

"They weren't human, they were monsters"

(to Thredson)"You are one sick twist!"

Sister Mary Eunice:

"It's not big enough, sister."

(to Arden)"No, I really shouldn't. Sister Jude said sweets lead to sin."

"I'm the Devil."

(to Arden) "Did you celebrate Christmas in your Nazi household?"

(to Monsignor Howard) "There was a priest, the dirty beast, whose name was Alexander. His mighty dick was inches thick, he called it Salamander. Is yours inches thick father?"

(to Monsignor Howard) "I gave you a chance, Timothy. But, you've just pissed it away! I'm done with you, and your sweet little nun. I am about to devour the last morsel of her soul!"

Oliver Thredson:

"You're gonna write about this. You're gonna win a Pulitzer Prize. I just know it, Lana. You are the person to tell my story."

"You can scream all you want, no one will hear you. Obviously the basement is soundproof. Believe me, girls with bigger sets of lungs than yours have tried before."

"Living with secrets is not healthy."

Grace:

"What you put out into the world comes back to you."

Shelley:

"Do you think I'm full of shame and regret for what I've done now, Sister? You could shave me bald as a cue-ball and I'd still be the hottest tamale in this joint!"

"Hey, Sister. I have a cucumber in my room but not because I was hungry."

"I saw you flirting with Our Lady of Perpetual Virginity. You want to see my candy apple?"

Arthur Arden:

"Slowly, show me your mossy bank."

(about Sister Mary Eunice)"I admired her purity. Her innocence. I never had any, even as a boy. Now it's gone. It's been taken from her."

"I was never in Auschwitz; I'm from Scottsdale!"

Monsignor Timothy:

"Do you think I'm full of shame and regret for what I've done now, Sister? You could shave me bald as a cue-ball and I'd still be the hottest tamale in this joint!"

(to Thredson)"Times may have changed doctor, but the nature of evil has not."

Minor Characters:

Anne Frank: (to Arden)"You were there... In Auschwitz! Nazi murderer! You Nazi schwein! Murderer! Nazi schwein! Don't you remember me, Doctor? I am Anne! Anne Frank!"

Leigh Emerson: (to a woman on his lap) "What do you say we blow this pop stand, go savage a few elves, and then suck on each other?"

Pepper: (to Arden) "You think you're like the Extraterrestrials with your clumsy experiments, but they laugh at you, Dr. Arden...they make jokes. Here's a good one, 'Knock knock. Who's there? Arden. Arden who? Arden't you the quack? Who'd make a better duck?"

Johnny Morgan: "It's my mother. She's the one. The only one that can make me feel this way. Every time I think about her, it makes me wanna do things...bad things!"

Johnny Morgan: "I'm in your book, except I didn't die. I'm the piece of trash you threw away 48 years ago. I'm your son."

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    Coven 

Fiona Goode:

(to Marie Laveau)"Maybe in another century, you could have two shit-hole salons."

"This coven doesn't need a new supreme, it needs a new rug."

"Tonight I'm going to let the whole world in and get a good look at me. Who's the baddest witch in town?"

"Myrtle Snow... Look at you, developing a sense of style when no one was paying attention."

"I'm starting to look less Samantha and more Endora every day."

"One dog moves out, another moves in. It's the circle of life."

(about Nan) "She’s innocent! Mostly... She killed the neighbor, but the bitch had it coming."

(to Queenie) "She's probably off in some unholy nether realm, cavorting with that half-baked Beetlejuice. Papa Legaboo-boo, or whatever the hell his name is."

(to Cordelia) "You took my power the minute I gave birth to you."

Cordelia Foxx:

(to her mother, Fiona) "When are you gonna die and stop ruining my life?"

"Feel the fear and the pain, let it all in, and then let it all go."

Madame Delphine La Laurie:

"My great literacy began with Greek mythology, I used to sit in Daddy's lap and he would read me those histories full of their vengeful gods and wondrous miraculous creatures. But the Minotaur was always my favorite. Half man, half bull. And now, I have one of my very own."

"She had a monster for a mother. Her death was the only kindness I ever did for her."

(to Queenie) "Throw me back in the box. I've seen enough of this world. I'll take no part in a country that has a darkie in the White House."

Marie Laveau:

"They got some real power in that witch house now."

Madison Montgomery:

"My frickin' vagina is sweating."

(to Fiona) "Surprise, bitch. I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me."

(to Myrtle) "Welcome to the revolution, Carrot Top. As the next Supreme, I'm gonna drag this Coven out of the Dark Ages. Crotchless panties for everyone."

(to Kyle) "As for you, Ken doll. Well, putting you together was fun...But taking you apart's gonna be even more fun."

Zoe Benson:

(to Spalding) "Alright you twisted, tea-serving necrophiliac, what'd you do to Madison?"

Queenie:

"I grew up on white girl shit, like Charmed and Sabrina the Teenage Cracker."

(to La Laurie) "You best put that food down in front of me before I frisbee this plate at your head."

(to La Laurie) "I dragged my ass all the way here from Detroit to be with my, quote, "sister witches." And instead I'm sitting in a fast-food parking lot at 3 in the morning with an immortal racist. How'd that happen?"

Myrtle Snow:

"You're all toads in a pot which Fiona is slowly bringing to the boil, by the time you notice, it will already be too late, I'd rather burn than boil."

"Can you imagine those poor Salem witches traveling all the way down here in covered wagons without a proper charcuterie platter or a bidet? Absolutely savage!"

"At any rate, I’m not going to kill you, well maybe after dessert. I put a lot of effort into the Key Lime Pie. I do love a Key Lime Pie. Even more than a île flottante... call me a Philistine."

(to Madison) "Madison, you are the worst kind of Hollywood cliche. You are a bubble-head with crotchless panties."

Misty Day:

"Get him out of here. He broke Stevie."

"I can't bring someone back once they're gator shit."

Kyle Spencer:

(to Madison) "You're not that good an actress."

Minor Characters:

Spalding: "These are my last words, Miss Fiona. I have always loved you."

Kaylee: "I just want to find a good husband and have three kids. I think I have a good shot. I work out and play fantasy football."

The Axeman: "I am not a human being, but a spirit and fell demon from hottest Hell."

Hank Foxx: "I'm part of a sacred order, a soldier in a shadow war, a war that’s been raging since before the time of Salem; we are a brotherhood pledged in blood, dedicated to stamping out the pestilence of witchery on the North American continent."

Papa Legba: "I don’t give a donkey shit about title. I want only one thing: your soul."

    Freak Show 

Dot Tattler:

"Dear Diary, my soul plumbs new depths of despair. I long for the quiet of the farm. The warmth of my bed, the smell of flowers outside my window. I'm surrounded by a cesspool of activity. No words can do justice to the depravity that permeates the grounds."

"Dear Diary, It was a Saturday, the 3rd of September, that the world as I had known was forever doomed. The shadows that had sheltered me were banished by the blinding light of scrutiny. I knew I was about to enter the gates of Hell. But like the inescapable pull of gravity, there was nothing I could do about it."

Jimmy Darling:

(to Dandy) "You know what I wouldn't give to have real hands like yours? To be able to touch a girl without scaring her? From where I'm sitting you got the world on a string. So, you go home to your mansion on the hill, and you thank God for all you got."

"I don't do liquor. I seen what it did to my ma. I'm scared, once I start, I won't be able to stop."

Elsa Mars:

"My talent has been known to render men speechless, but you'll have to get over it if we are going to work together."

"We all fear that we will end up alone, that love will be pulled from us."

"You know my motto: always leave them wanting more."

Dandy Mott:

" I didn't think I could feel love until I met them. My heart was lost. And it took a woman with the vision of four eyes to find it, and the love of two hearts to give it back to me."

(to Gloria) "I was born of deadly sin. You knew what father had done to those little girls. You knew the risks of breeding with your cousin. You're no better than the Roosevelts."

"I'm your god, Jimmy. And I've decided that you need to suffer. I'm going to destroy you and everything you love. Oh, it will be so much fun!"

"Mother always told me, never argue with a woman when she's angry."

"Do bear in mind, Dot. I can get very nasty if my manhood is compromised. A stallion demands a certain respect from all his mares"

Desiree Dupree:

"Steal her jewellery. And bury the bitch."

Dell Toledo:

"Dell Toledo the Stupendous Strong Man! You probably heard of me."

Ethel Darling:

"You know what, Doc? I ain't crying 'cause you told me I'm gonna die. I'm crying 'cause you're the first doctor to ever treat me with respect. I just c-can't help thinking my whole life might have gone different if I'd met you sooner."

Stanley:

"Fräulein Elsa's Cabinet of Curiosities is about to have a terrible run of bad luck."

"The screams of the men who have been nut-shot are so specific."

Gloria Mott:

"You have the sickness like your father had before you. He stifled it the only way he could. These mental perversions are an affliction of the extremely affluent. Cousins marry cousins to protect the money, to keep the estates whole. Inbreeding. Becomes a right of passage to have a psychotic or two in the line."

(about Dandy) "Words had a different meaning for him, particularly the word "no". "No" was an affront; "no" was a battle-cry."

Maggie Esmeralda:

Go to Hell, triple tits."

Minor Characters:

Twisty the Clown: "I'm a good clown."

Edward Mordrake: "I have met many a craven killer, many a sniveling coward in my time, but every one of them could admit the blackness in their own hearts when the hour came. You have caused the demon to weep."

Paul the Seal Boy: "We don't trade in boring, we're freaks. And you'll never be one of us."

    Hotel 

The Countess:

"I loved roaming the streets, devouring the pulse of the city. Electrifying. I miss it very much."

"We have two selves. One the world needs us to be, compliant, and the shadow. Ignore it and life is forever suffering."

Hypodermic Sally:

"Patti Smith said that my poems were like glass shattering. I wrote a song with her...and then she wrote me off."

(to Iris) "We are going total bye-bye, right? You swear you don't have any unfinished business here?"

Mr March:

"My father was a true believer. Ate the little cracker and drank the wine every Sunday. And he was the meanest son of a bitch you've ever seen. Killed a cat for purring too loud. You want me to tell you the worst thing in this world? Religion. That and regulations."

(to John) "Good to see you're finally, truly checking in to the Hotel Cortez."

Liz Taylor:

"Some of the old-timers have been here since the dawn of time."

"You see everything when the world doesn't see you."

Iris:

"It's ironic, but I never knew how to live until I died."

Tristan Duffy:

"You're the greatest serial killer who's ever lived."

Alex Lowe:

"The smell was real. He truly smelled like fresh lavender. It was and always will be my drug of choice."

Ms. Evers:

(to John) "I have long known that you and I were kindred spirits."

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