Pannic Reads Stuff He Hates

Harry Twatter

Ah, now comes the part where I can take the gloves off. Just like with Rose Potter, I can read something that's just pure unadulterated shit and dump all over it without making any concessions to things that are actually good in it, because there isn't really anything good in it.

Today's piece of shitty writing is called Partially Kissed Hero, and it's a Harry Potter fic. Reading it, I wonder how it is I managed to find something worse than Rose Potter. I guess it figures, because Rose was somewhat able to lean on the pages of plagiarized canon and it was shitty in a funny way. This is just shitty. So, what is Partially Kissed Hero about, then?

Well, it's a Harry Potter fanfic that is, on fanficion.net, labeled with the "Fantasy" and "Humor" tags. The description is as follows:

Summer before third year Harry has a life changing experience, and a close encounter with a dementor ends with him absorbing the horcrux within him. Features Harry with a backbone.

Now, before we begin, let's talk about the author a little. This individual's name is Jared Ornstead, who goes by his penname "Skysaber." He's been active for a long time in various anime fandoms, including Naruto and Ranma and a whole bunch of other stuff that I similarly don't watch or follow.

He is a… divisive author. Most of his stories have a habit of going into Author Tract at everything, and the bulk of his writing is self-insert stories. We will not be talking about these stories, but suffice to say that some people thought he was an egotistical cunt who talked a great deal about things he didn't know anything about, and other people liked his works because… I'm honestly not sure why, if this fic is any indication of his writing skill. He didn't take criticism well, at one point threatening his critics with eternal damnation.

So at one point he decided to quit the internet, but not really. He assumed the monicker "Perfect Lionheart" and began writing, thinking that people just claimed to hate his fics out of spite, and that he could trick them into saying wonderful things about his new stories. Except nobody fell for it because he often referred to Skysaber, favorited him, and referenced each sockpuppet on the other account. That and his writing was still shit and he was still an obnoxious egotistical hack.

But there will be more time to talk about how this author is a tool when we actually get to the thing. His sting as “Perfect Lionheart” is mostly marked by two stories: Chunin Exam Day, a Naruto fic that rips off of Groundhog Day, and Partially Kissed Hero, a Harry Potter story. Of the two stories, PKH is the shittier, though they're both pretty shitty and share a number of things in common, including misogyny, author wish-fulfillment, bashing of characters the author doesn't like, hamfisted author rants, nothing happening, nothing making sense, and sociopathic protagonists.

These chapters are fairly short (though they sure as hell feel longer than they are), so I'm gonna do multiple chapters in a go. Also, there are 103 chapters in this fucking thing, so let's get to it.

We start with an Author's Note.

Every so often the entire Harry Potter universe offends me so deeply that I just have to react by folding, spindling and mutilating it.

Yes, we have another one of those "I'm so much smarter than Rowling, watch as I write a fanfic that's Better Than Canon.''

So, as the description noted, this is going to be taking place around the same time as the beginning of Prisoner of Azkaban.

Harry Potter had an epiphany.

It was really a very simple one, actually. Once he'd inflated his Aunt Marge in the first week after school let out he'd fled to the Leaky Cauldron and met Minister Fudge, then he'd been told that a very dangerous criminal was on the loose, and after him.

But they hadn't told him very much, only that he was in danger.

While wandering Diagon Alley the next day and passing by the bookshop, the most wonderful idea had come to Harry, and he had popped in to buy a book on Sirius Black to find out more about this dangerous criminal, to know more so he could better avoid him.

How is reading about a criminal going to help you avoid him, necessarily? You expect a biography to give you psychological insight into how he operates or something?

Also, what is this epiphany?

The kind clerk had directed him to the wizarding biographies section, and there, two shelves down from all of the books on Lockhart, was a whole shelf devoted entirely to Harry...

... and his family.

The young child didn't leave the bookshop except to eat or sleep for days. Finally, Mr Flourish gave him a copy of every book on that shelf as a gift to get the boy out in the clear air and sunlight again.

But Harry had learned an amazing amount, and finally understood what his best female friend found so fascinating about books. No one had ever told him so much as three words strung together about his family, but there in the bookstore all that time had been entire biographies of the Potter family line, the exploits of his famous parents, and... it was meat and drink to the poor child, who'd always before considered himself an orphan, unloved and, though he didn't put it into exact words, unlovable.

So yes. Because he finally reads about himself, he discovers a love for books. I guess he's just that self-centered. Also, note the copious amounts of "pity me!"

Harry in canon wasn't like this. If he wanted to read about himself, he could've done it at any time. But he wasn't interested in his fame, he just wanted to be a normal kid like everyone else. That's why he got along so well with Ron.

This seems to be a thing in this author's fics. The other story I was considering doing here, Chunin Exam Day, also has Naruto discover a love of books and reading for no reason. Isn't Naruto supposed to be something of a lazy twit in his thing? Way to be true to a character, dumbass.

So he learns more about his parents and sends a letter of to McGonagall asking to change his electives to Arithmancy and Ancient Runes, deciding that he doesn't want to slack off with Ron again in the easy classes.

Yes, we get Ron-bashing here in full force! We'll see more later.

So Harry sends mail to Hermione, asking for her notes, so he can start "filling in holes formed by him goofing off." I don't actually recall a whole lot of Harry or Ron flat-out blowing off their studies in the books.

He even wrote to Hermione, asking if she could mail him photocopies of her last two years of notes, and asking if she knew of a muggleborn Ravenclaw in their year they could ask for notes covering the material she had missed after having been turned to stone.

Hermione wrote him right back with several books worth of thick stacks of parchment covering her two years of study, and a note that she'd ask for a reference through Mc Gonagall about whom to get other notes from.

That poor owl.

Hermione'd even congratulated Harry on having a great idea!

Having read half a page congratulating him on finally getting serious about his studies, the Boy-Who-Lived felt renewed vigor about pursuing them, and dove into the material like a boy discovering candy for the first time.

Rowling, to the best of my knowledge, never referred to Harry as "the Boy-Who-Lived" in the narration. When describing him doing something or talking, it was always "Harry said" or "he did." We will see more of this in this fic, with the worst abuses of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome you'll likely see.

Or, more appropriately, like a boy who had just discovered something about his much-loved and absent parents, and wanted to be like them in more than just looks.

Harry had discovered an identity. His mother had been a genius on Charms, while his father was a master of Transfiguration. They had been excellent students, both of them, and he wanted them to be proud of him. So he went around to all of the people in the Alley asking for tips and pointers on how to better master his crafts and be more like his genius parents.

Harry had discovered an identity, says the narrator, and so he decided to go be like somebody else.

And so Skysaber/Lionheart is ditching Harry's canon characterization and making him into a caricature that has no distinct personality or interests except to be a self-insert for the author.

I wasn't fucking joking about how most of this author's works are self-inserts. If it's not his OC "Skysaber," the interdimensional phoenix mage superspy (no, really) it's him taking over the body of Gilderoy Lockhart (who proceeds to murder the Dursleys for no reason). And even when it isn't specifically designated as a self-insert, he takes canon characters and alters them to be more in line with how he wants them to be.

And now we come to the bulk of what this chapter is going to be.

Mr. Flourish ended up leading him to several stacks of supplementary reading on those subjects, and others, and Harry spent more than was probably wise collecting those books and others to help him on his chosen course of study.

After the very first gift of books, Harry found his trunk too small to fit his new collection, but this new set was larger than the trunk itself, so it was obvious that he'd have to do something before he had to pack before going back to Hogwarts. So he asked Mr. Flourish, and got directed by the friendly shopkeeper over to where he could buy a specialty one.

That's right. A Diagon Alley shopping spree.

No, seriously. Most of the chapter is Harry going around Diagon Alley and buying shit.

Looking around the wizarding luggage shop, Harry ended up purchasing four traveling bookcases instead of a larger trunk. They were full size, floor to ceiling rosewood bookcases with glass fronts to protect the books from dust and each unit had two halves that folded together like a locket. When closed it looked like a large steamer trunk, about eight feet tall and four feet on each side, but when opened it was just two bookcases joined by a hinge in the center. And the whole thing shrank down to the size of a pack of bubblegum without him having to use any magic, just activating built-in charms.

Because they were travel luggage for wizard-kind, they came with a whole slew of protective enchantments against jostling, breakage, wear or so on. They were really quite remarkable, and so useful Harry couldn't help but buy a matching desk to go with them. Those tables in the common room were too few for the amount of students needing to do work on them, and they were at the wrong height anyway.

Thinking ahead, Harry bought two plush desk chairs, one for himself and one for Hermione, because he knew the bushy haired witch wouldn't let him monopolize that big desk all on his own. In fact, he got one that had extra drawers, because he knew otherwise she'd end up taking them all.

He buys his own desk. Why is he buying his own desk? He doesn't need it. It was able to do his homework just fine in canon without this shit. Also, more Ron-bashing.

He thought about getting a chair for Ron, but decided against it, as the desk only had room to store two within itself for its compact form, and his best male friend would probably shrink at having to join them at a desk instead of those deep, plush common room sofas anyway.

So Harry goes and buys more shit. He buys writing supplies and other stuff, and buys an extra set for Hermione but not for Ron because fuck Ron, he buys more clothes 'cause he thinks his wardrobe isn't good enough, he buys a walk-in closet to put the clothes in…

Harry had just read that morning that his mother had been a genius prodigy at Potions. And, determined not to let Snape deprive him of his family's legacy, Harry went to the apothecary and purchased a complete set of masters level equipment. Then, seeing as how there was no place to set all that up at the Cauldron, it was back to the luggage shop to buy a folding set of cabinets, like his bookcases, and another desk to put it on.

They had a Portable Potions Lab set that came with its own model of desk and two counters, all with underslung cabinets, specimen storage and tool drawers. That set came with features like splash guards and so on, that had Harry wishing he'd known about those before starting Hogwarts, as it would have saved him no end of problems (and sabotage from Slytherins).

Sabotage by the Slytherins? What sabotage? I don't recall the Slytherins sabotaging his stuff. I certainly remember the protagonists setting off a firecracker in a Slytherin's cauldron the last year. Hypocrisy much?

Seeing the boy juggle so much in his arms, and with overstuffed pockets, the salesman at the luggage store sent him on to a related business, where they sold Safari garb, and the owner there ignored all of the child's requests and outfitted Harry with everything, the full kit and kabootle, everything from pith helmet and light beige travel outfits with lots of pockets, like you'd see in old pictures of British explorers in the 19th century, to ever-expanding weightless bags, belts whose pouches would store and organize a tremendous amount of safari gear, tools for taking specimens, and everything the old gentry might need out in the wild - down to and including beads charmed to be attractive to natives in case you'd like to trade for their services as guides or bearers or whatever.

Oh my God that is one fucking sentence. I couldn't write this badly if I fucking tried.

It seems that the folks on Diagon Alley are trying to milk the rich kid for everything he owns. Why is he in a Safari shop? Why does he need a fucking pith helmet? He just needs some school supplies, for fuck's sake.

The Boy-Who-Lived never even got a chance to object as he was loaded down with a complete set of equipment, including one of the largest and most feature-heavy magical tents on the market, and a magical compass that he could make no sense of.

It was far more than Harry wanted, but he did end up wearing the belt, as it had wonderful functions, including the ability to store just about everything else in its self-cataloging pouches. So he had an easy place to store his self-shrinking bookcases, cabinets and desks for when he needed them, and he loaded in the rest of this stuff so he didn't have to make room for it all in his trunk, which could never have held half of it anyway.

Why? Why is he buying all this shit? He doesn't even want it going by the description.

Then he goes to the Apothecary to get a bunch of potions shit he doesn't need for the school year, narration bitches about Snape sabotaging him; y'know, Snape had a habit of vanishing his potions in fifth year, but the kid still got an E on his OWL. Seems he did pretty well despite the "sabotage." This is also a thing the author abuses in Chunin Exam Day, but I'll get on that stupidity some other time.

That was the real trick about multiple brewing, as it took complicated recipes and reduced them to only occasional hands-on steps. And those grew fewer if you added in the optional automated silver potions knives that could slice, dice, cut to specified dimensions, chop, crush or shred fine all on their own, and accept programming to do this to an entire list of ingredients in order.

Harry got a full set of the knives. Expensive, but worth it.

You know one thing I distinctly remember about Prisoner of Azkaban? During Harry's stay at Diagon Alley, the book made a point that he wasn't blowing his money on everything that caught his eye. He was being frugal and sensible about his spending.

I thought your fic was supposed to be an improvement on canon, author, but you've just made Harry into a twat.

Then he went back and bought copies of Hermione's favorite extra reading, including Hogwarts: A History, the Rise and Fall of The Dark Arts, Great Wizarding Events of the Twentieth Century, and that book they'd found so useful last year: Moste Potente Potions.

Yes, I totally believe that a reputable bookstore is going to sell Moste Potente Potions, a book that was in the fucking Restricted Section at Hogwarts, to a thirteen-year-old.

Also, make a note of that word: useful. It will come up a lot in this story.

And here's something completely pointless:

Harry had purchased a beginner's guide to chess, and had been practicing against others in the Alley using that wizarding chess set he'd gotten for his first Christmas at Hogwarts, usually while potions were simmering on the burners of his portable lab set up behind him.

Ron only used two or three strategies most of the time, and now Harry could recognize and beat them. He was truly looking forward to having a good year. There was so much he'd wanted to talk over with Hermione that Hedwig had been getting the workout of her life delivering their letters back and forth to each other that summer.

1. This serves absolutely no purpose other than to shit on Ron.

2. If Ron only used a handful of strategies most of the time, that was only 'cause Harry was a shitty chess player.

3. If Ron is such a mediocre chess player that he can be beaten after some practice games and researching a beginner's guide, then McGonagall really dropped the fucking ball guarding the stone. Granted, the author probably would make that kind of jab.

4. Chess is a skill that needs a lot of time devoted to it to be any good. If Ron's any good at Chess you aren't gonna be able to beat him after a couple days.

Harry had always been bright, but the Dursleys had done all they could to stamp that out of him, as well as his magic. Then he'd befriended Ron, who had lazy practically tattooed on his forehead, and wanting to get along with his first ever friend had gotten Harry to emulate his actions.

Bashing bashing bashing.

You know, a lot of these people like to go on about how Ron is a lazy slacker who isn't worthy of being Harry's friend, but thinking back on the books I recall fairly simple things like how he would bemoan that he had to study instead of goof off. As opposed to actively blowing off his homework. The only homework I recall him actively blowing off when he and Harry bullshitted their way through their Divination homework, which is understandable because fuck Divination.

And come OWLs, he got E's in most of his subjects except for shit that didn't matter like Divination and History of Magic. All things considered, those are pretty good grades. Grades that people generally don't get when they literally ask other people to do their homework for them. Sure, Ron asked to look at Hermione's homework and notes a whole lot, but asking for help on your homework and studying generally means that you actually care about how you're doing in the class.

So today I learned how Ron-bashers are full of shit. True, it was something I already suspected, but it's nice to know.

And now we're introduced to something new: Language Lozenges.

You took it like a cough drop, only instead of soothing throats it taught a language, just like you'd been born to speak it. They cost only a handful of galleons (no more than seven apiece), and it took about a week to absorb the knowledge properly, better if you used it during that period. But it was best not to take more than one at a time, as it got confusing if you mixed them.

Harry had already bought a set. At the Safari store the clerk had sold him the entire collection of world languages in lozenge form, only Harry hadn't known what they'd done at the time.

So, on Hermione having enlightened him, he'd taken the one for French, and a week after that the one for Latin (to help with his schoolwork), and his latest was to venture into Old Norse, as Hermione was excited to tell him that gave her a real advantage in studying ahead on their Ancient Runes course.

They were planning to get together and take Egyptian, Hebrew, Sumerian and Babylonian during the year, as those all had strong magical cultures attached to them and would aid their studies enormously.

Harry was planning to get her a complete set, instead of the few Hermione could afford for herself, as he was also hoping to get to other languages. Greek had a strong influence on western magic, as did Celtic, and there were other languages out there that could be of benefit to them in their work. Chinese, in particular, had a strong background in Alchemy.

It sounds like a neat idea until you think about it for more than two seconds.

1. If you can simply learn a language in this universe by taking a cough drop, then why is it impressive that Barty Crouch knows a bunch of languages? There was a big fucking gag about how Ludo Bagman couldn't speak Bulgarian and thought the Bulgarian minister of magic couldn't speak English. If Language Lozenges are real then this whole gag makes no damn sense.

2. How much does it teach you? Does it just teach you their basic syntax and shit, or does it teach you literally their entire vocabulary? Because that's pretty fucking crazy considering how many words there are in a single language. Not to mention taking into account things like different regional dialects, slang, and other things. Is there one Lozenge for standard Italian and another one for the Neopolitan dialect? 'cause there's a pretty big fucking difference between the two.

3. Seven galleons apiece? That sounds pretty expensive. Wouldn't it make more sense to pay for them with a few knuts, a sickle or two tops?

4. A "complete set"? What's in a "complete set"? What languages are and aren't included? Are you implying that he literally bought every language in the world? I mean, this set he's got includes a number of dead languages that are of no use to anyone but historians and etymologists and people in that realm. A google search indicates that there are 6,500 languages spoken in the world today. Granted, a number of them wouldn't be "useful" to our protagonist on account of how sparsely spoken they are, but even discounting the two thousand languages that have less than a thousand speakers, that raises the question of all the dead languages he's adding to his supply. There's no fucking way they're selling a "complete set" that contains 6,500+ languages, 'cause at seven galleons apiece that'd amount 45,500 galleons. And Harry buys TWO sets. But I'm just confused because it says "complete set' but there's no way it can be literally "complete" but the story doesn't actually explain anything and

Nothing makes sense.

And Harry was determined not to let Snape rob him of the chance to follow in his mother's work.

Canon Harry did pretty damn well, considering that for all of Snape's supposed "sabotage" he got an E on his OWL and managed to become an Auror.

The author likes to heap persecution on his non-self-insert protagonists to comical levels. For example, in Chunin Exam Day there's a detail about how other ninjas rip Naruto off by selling him altered scrolls with false information. Meaning that these people literally go out of their way to ruin him for no apparent reason. The sad thing is with this kind of supposed adversity plaguing the main character, you'd at least expect a meaningful conflict. You would be extremely wrong.

It had been an enjoyable summer. Harry read books out in front of the ice cream parlor while his classmates ogled the new broomstick in Quality Quidditch supplies.

Harry apparently loses interest in Quidditch. Y'know, his actual hobby?

He'd helped out Neville when the boy lost his booklist (and helped convince his dorm mate to take Arithmancy and Ancient Runes along with him and Hermione, so they'd have someone in their year to talk to about classes. And Augusta Longbottom had beamed down on them as Harry had introduced Neville to the not-so-secret but terribly useful shortcut of taking an Old Norse language lozenge to help study ahead for the class). On Neville saying how useful that would be, Harry even thought ahead and bought a half a dozen extra of that tongue, thinking there were other students who would probably need them.

Did Neville ask for your advice, you pretentious twit? Also, fuck your overly-long parenthetical clause. You have multiple sentences in your parentheses. FUCK!

Also, make another count of "useful." Actually, let's keep a running count. So far the count is at four.

So we get more Ron-bashing.

Summer was practically over when his friends arrived, and went through the typical Weasley hurried rush to get everything done at the last minute. On seeing his friends, Harry clapped Ron on the shoulder and asked, "So, Ron, what did you think of that Potions book I sent you?"

Ron stopped stuffing his cheeks in order to look bashful. "Oh. I dunno. I never looked at it. Fred and George love it, though. They borrowed it from me just after I got it, and I haven't seen it since. You should ask them if you want to know if it's any good or not."

Hermione was practically vibrating in excitement. "Oh! You mean the Basics of Brewing by Vandergeist? I love that book! Harry got me a copy early this summer, and I've read it four times now. It's got the most useful explanations for potions theory and practice! I wish I'd known about that ever so long ago!"

"Bloody hell!" Ron stared at her, plainly horrified at how she could work so hard over anything he felt was trivial.

Ron is lazy, get it? Also, "useful" count is at five now.

Harry chose not to mention that he'd read it four times himself, and had even reviewed and brewed most of the first and second year potion syllabus using it, and was already working on third.

Why? You're brewing boil potions for no good reasons, spending ingredients that you're going to have to re-purchase. Snape doesn't give extra credit for doing it on your own time.

There's studying and then there's just being unrealistic. I don't buy this from an author who made a TL;DR about how evolution is bunk when he demonstrated that he doesn't understand the difference between Darwin's theories of Natural Selection and abiogenesis. Yeah, the guy's a religious twat, too.

So there's the bit where we met Crookshanks in the book, minus Rowling's humor and character interaction that was actually fun to read, and Harry decides to buy a Kneazle, himself!

Smiling, they went to Magical Menagerie together, where Ron nearly lost his pet rat to the attack of a large cat, Hermione bought that cat, and Harry bought a kneazel, because he'd read the cat-look-alikes were very good at warning you about suspicious or untrustworthy behavior, and with a criminal on the loose looking to kill him, he wanted some early warning in case they were using polyjuice or something like that.

Besides, he could send Hedwig off to live at Hermione's parent's house, so he could stay within the 'one pet per wizard' rule, and that way Hermione could stay in contact with her parents during the school year. Harry didn't have anyone else to write to while he was at school, so it was good for Hedwig to get the exercise, and it should help the family of his best friend to stay in touch with their daughter.

Harry named his kneazel Augustus, or Gus for short.

You got a sneakoscope for your birthday, why do you need another "durr I need to detect things that are untrustworthy" thing? Also, you're going to need to feed that cat, which is going to cut in on that study time you're so bent on taking advantage of.

Having started to use his mind, Harry had begun thinking ahead.

Which is why you're blowing your money on shit you don't need?

He'd even gone so far as to go back to that magical luggage shop and bought a self-shrinking portable kitchen, just like his potions lab, only meant more for food preparation than brewing. And he'd already stocked it with food staples that should last him through next summer, so he'd eat in spite of the Dursleys trying to starve him. On thinking that, he'd also bought a matching Captain's bed, one with a big, lush mattress for sleeping on.

Why? Why are you buying all this shit?

This entire chapter is nothing but an asinine shopping spree that makes no sense!

The worst upset of the summer had been getting a letter from Professor Mc Gonagall telling him that it was too late to change his elective classes. The letter arrived too late to do much of anything about it, but once he'd shown it to Hermione, she insisted he still had to try. So, on her suggestion, he'd sent off owls to Dumbledore and the Minister for an appeal.

Harry was a little leery about doing that, but Hermione kept insisting that he HAD to do something! And the Minister was the most helpful person he knew who might have input outside of Dumbledore, and together they had to be able to do SOMETHING about the situation!

Yeah, I can imagine how that would go.

''Dear Cornelius Fudge,

Could your pretty please get Dumbledore to change my class schedule? I want it changed.

Love, Harry.''

And then

''Dear Harry,

Dude, I got shit to do. Find something else to amuse yourself and fuck off. Just 'cause I let you off for turning your aunt into a balloon doesn't mean I'm your go-to guy for getting shit you want.

Fudge.''

It was another small epiphany when Harry realized that his friend didn't want to go to all of those classes without him. And it made him feel good inside.

She went to the classes without him just fine in the book. But then, this is gonna ship the two, and when the prevailing attitude in your fanfic is Harmonian, then canon and making sense don't matter.

So we go to the next day and they're boarding the Hogwarts Express, but things go differently.

Having learned so much about his real parents, Harry was a great deal less anxious to let Molly Weasley mother him, and probably make him late for the train. So he said his goodbyes quickly and climbed aboard, getting to an empty compartment early, so he could settle down and finish some reading.

And so he goes into a different compartment with Hermione and not with Ron or Professor Lupin, and settles into a compartment with Neville and Luna. Luna is reading her magazine upside-down. Despite the fact that she was reading the magazine upside-down in Order of the Phoenix specifically because of an article in the magazine that was telling her to look at something upside-down.

Yeah, you remember Luna Lovegood, right? You like her? You won't like her after this fic.

Colin Creevy and his brother join the compartment, making it full so Ron and Ginny have to go elsewhere.

So there's a bunch of blah blah blah that doesn't matter about how Harry and Hermione decide to show off to Neville about how much they've studied by helping him (but not in a way that would actually foster meaningful dialogue or character interaction) and then the train stops.

"We can't be there yet," Hermione objected, looking at her watch.

Then the lights on the train went out.

"Lumos," Luna said quite calmly, bringing a light to the end of her wand, and popping the cap off of a bottle of chocolate milk. The others followed her example as far as the light went, all lighting up their wands.

"Something's coming aboard," Neville said, peering at half-seen shapes just outside the window.

Peering out into the corridor, they saw several other faces poking out of the other compartments, all of whom shortly followed their example in lighting up the points of their wands - something that made that which followed all that much more horrible.

Long robed figures were not unusual in the magical world, but pasty fleshed creatures that looked rotted, like they'd decomposed in water, were. The horrible creatures drifted inside of the car and went straight at Harry.

There came flashes of light, and a scream, and then nothingness.

Remember how in the actual book the Dementor attack was a big deal and how there was a bunch of tension and suspense and emotion? Here it's just glossed over.

And so ends chapter 1, the bulk of it being nothing more than a meaningless shopping spree. But it doesn't end here, folks. We get our Author's Notes. "Useful" count is at 5.

The central idea for this change was, "What if Harry had not been in the same compartment as Professor Lupin?" which led to, "Well, if they weren't taking the last compartment on the train then they'd not have had to share with a scruffy old man who looked more than a bit disreputable," and then, "Well, they DID get there early, but Molly insisted on mothering them until the train practically left without them."

So that led to the question of, "So what if Harry excused himself early?" and then had to be asked, "Well, why would he do that?" and so I postulated, "Well, what if he wanted to read a book?" but that didn't stand up on its own, and needed some real shoring up, and that led naturally to, "What could make him a bookworm?" and the answer to that was, "How about a book on that deadly criminal he knows is after him, but that no one will tell him about? That would certainly be motivational enough."

Author, you are aware that Harry does read, right? The first book actually had him eagerly looking into his magic books before the school year, and a later book showed him doing his History of Magic homework at night. The idea that he'd suddenly turn into a bookworm because he reads about himself just makes him look like a narcissist.

That led to the realization, "Hey, wasn't that the summer he spent in Diagon Alley?" And then I thought, "I can do this."

For a certain definition of the words "can" and "do," I guess.

Yes, I know Colin's brother Dennis only entered school in their fourth year, but have decided that's a trivial enough change I'm going to leave it as is.

This is how lazy our author is, folks. It's a minor continuity detail that would be piss-easy to fix, but he isn't going to bother with it because he wants Ron out of the scene.

This piece of crap is 103 chapters long. I'm not gonna just update this blog one chapter at a time, so I'm gonna do multiple chapters. Let's see how many I can stand.

Or at least I would, but I think there are too many words in this, so I'm gonna update two things at once. Shame.

Comments

IcyShake Since: Dec, 1969

Feb 13th 2014 at 6:40:42 PM

I'll do you one better on the parenthetical: it isn't even parenthetical. The sentence after it relies on the content in the parentheses.

Live Blogs Pannic Reads Stuff He Hates Pannic2014-02-13 00:20:04

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Live Blogs Pannic Reads Stuff He Hates
Pannic2014-02-13 00:20:04