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Live Blog Third Time Is Not the Charm! Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: Threat of Satanic Communism!
arcadiarika2012-12-29 20:47:07

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Hello, fellow livebloggers and readers.

...yes. We are on the third Prayer Warriors series as written by Thomas Brown, also known as BelieverInChrist. For a recap of what The Prayer Warriors series are like: imagine finding some pro-Christian, anti-every-fucking-thing-else propaganda piece of (insert series here). Turned up to eleven. And when I say "anti-everything else", I mean it. Because it isn't against all other religions, no. It's against liberals, gays, and women.

And when it isn't against all those groups, it still suffers from characters dying via Divine Retribution/stoning/beheading, Character Derailment, and spelling/grammar errors. So, yeah, it's one of those kinds of fanfics.

...and Conversion Fics should totally be a trope.

So, without further ado, from the batshit insane mind that brought you so many liveblogs (and a few positive ones) comes...DAMMIT THOMAS, DO NOT LET ME RAGE THIS TIME!

...The Prayer Warriors: Threat of Satanic Communism. And yes, I know that it's supposed to be "Threat of Satanic Commonism", but I like correcting spelling errors. Especially when said errors are in the fucking title!

This is not going to be a good sign.

So let's get things started with...

Chapter 1

Thomas: This is my new fan-fiction.
Jesus: And a fine one at that.
Thomas: And who will punished on Judgement day?
Jesus: Atheists, gays, liberals, and lesbians.
Thomas: Thankyou for answering that. Amen.

Between the title and this opening conversation, already we're starting off on the wrong foot. Goodie. Why? Because "lesbians" are a specific subset of "gays". And yes, I pretty much expect this fucking story to have gay-bashing as well.

Chapter 1 is our prologue—excuse me, "Pro-lodge". 1918, the ending year of World War I, and one of the times for the Bolshevik Army to uprise—even killing the Royal Family of the Romanovs. And who is the leader of the army that will soon be known as the Communist Party?

Not Vladimir Lenin. Oh, hell no. It's John Lennon.

John Fucking Lennon.

Hey, remember in The Evil Gods: Part One where Thomas thought that the Beatles were good musicians? It makes you wonder whether or not he changed his mind.

Or it could be as simple as him not doing the research. Which is equally stupid as hell.

Anyway, with the help of Satan and a few false Gods (um...), Lenin is happy that he took over Russia. Because of this, it will be him that will turn the people over to believing in Communism, where everyone's equal. Of course, it's a damn lie, and what he's really doing is forcing people to worship Satan and the Roman Gods.

...there is so many things wrong with the sentence that it'll take a while to list. But...I'm pretty sure that Russia does not believe in the Roman Gods. Rather, they're an Orthodox-based country, and yes, the Orthodox Christians is a branch of Christianity. Oh, and to make the entire story pointless from the get-go? Approximately 83% of Russians are Orthodox Christians.

But...the fact that Russia, I should state, used to be a Communist country, doesn't stop Thomas from doing this bullshittery.

Lenin Lennon walks up to the enslaved people (seriously? People weren't enslaved—some were murdered, yes, but they were opponents to the Bolsheviks) and, believe it or not, they're Christians. So what does he say to the guards?

Lennon: "Execute them all. Burn them and then send then to the lamas. I am a Satanists, and only atheists, Satanists, gays and lesbians will live in my country. Now bloody die!"

...that's right. Some good-old-fashioned persecution! Also, I'm 100% sure that Lenin did not say "bloody"—this isn't England!

And so, the soldiers kill the captured people. But luckily, God and Jesus Christ have a plan. Oh, yes. Rather, they decide to use the prophets in order to save Russia. 1918 Russia, by the way. And who are the lucky prophets?

Percy Jackson, Annabeth, and Grover—wait, what?!

Oh, great. I suppose that we'll expect Grover to die more times than Kenny ever did. -__-

That's the end of this chapter, let's move on with...

Chapter 2

This is a second introduction. Yes, apparentally, the writer had to feel the need to write two prologues!

In it, Clarisse La Rue, which the story helpfully tells us is the second woman to become a Prayer Warrior (WHAT ABOUT MARY?!), manages to easily kill a Red Shirt commander of the Soviet army—wait, how the fucking shit did she go back in time to, again, 1918 Russia?! And yes, said commander was praised as a God. And yet, he died like a damned punk as Clarisse flies over and stabs him with her sword.

And guess what's back? Good-old-fashioned beheading! Yes, she cuts off his head.

Then she faces a bunch more Satanists. She stabs someone named Jill Pole with a spear, and the armor doesn't protect him. And she drags the body. Why? Because it had a good gun.

Suddenly, another Satanist shows up, willing to strike Clarisse, but she slashes him in the throat. He falls to the ground, bleeding to death, as another soldier who is riding a chariot (yes, seriously) is also stabbed to death. And yes, the phrase is repeated over and over.

After Clarisse stomps on the man's face, she states to the enemies that God is on her side, and Jesus will have revenge on Soviet Russia. The story ends with her adding that a greater Prayer Warrior will show up and kill Lenin Lennon. And after that...for whatever reason, she dies, being surrounded by Satanists. Who are also gays and lesbians.

...ugh. So far, this story starts off on the wrong foot. So will Percy show up? Will we ever see Michael and Ebony again? And why John Lennon?

Awaken that soul on the next liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: Threat of Satanic Communism!


Dec 7th 2011 at 1:59:00 PM
Confusing Lennon for Lenin? This author is either the most dedicated troll or the most insane person I have ever seen.
Dec 21st 2011 at 10:07:33 PM
Ooooh goodness... this will be horrible. And yet I can't look away.

I'm pretty sure Conversion Fics are a (kind of)sub-trope of Easy Evangelism.
Jan 6th 2012 at 5:51:19 PM
Please tell me this fic is a Poe. As a history buff, I fervently hope so. Oh please...
Jul 20th 2013 at 1:48:57 PM
Jill Pole was a character from two of the later Narnia books. And a good guy...girl. I'm going to assume he means someone else.