Welcome back to Kickboxing Academy, the livebloggening.
When we last left off, we got to know the characters, from the Fail O Sucky Name-induced bad guys to several protagonists. And a hell of a lot of jump cuts as the movie tries to decide what to do and to stick with the scene/settings in question. Also, the beginning of a rewritten Power Rangers slash fic and the immortal line, "Hit the mat, bitches!"
That's all you need to know for a recap of Part 1. Let's continue the liveblog with...
We last left off with the "Pervert"ed guy telling the wannabe salesman to check "it" out. What's the "it" that they're checking out, you may so ask?
They're checking out the students in the titular academy.
So what do they do? Imitate some fighting moves and failing at it. The wannabe salesman, after he falls down on the ground, says that he should calm down. And he's acting like as if he's stoned out of his fucking mind, in which I wonder what his problem is...
Oh, and we cut to a different group of people, and they come across the wannabe salesman and the "Pervert"ed guy. The former of the two asks if they would buy a walkman, and they refuse. However, WS won't take "no" for an answer, and he pulls a guy aside. The guy is the teacher of the rival academy, and he calls them "degenerates".
- WS: I know I am. But what are you?
...idiot. (facepalm)
The rival teacher tells WS to watch it, and he leaves. Well, that was irrelevant. NEXT!
Cut back to the class in session. The rival teacher, Tarbeck, greets June and "compliments" the class. And by "complimenting", I mean that he calls it a "little day-care center"—
...is it just me, or when we saw the class, I actually saw "This is a Martial Arts School"? Who wrote this?
Anyway, Tarbeck tries to smooth-talk June by suggesting that they should get together, but she isn't buying into it. The older guy, who I presume is the manager of the rival team, tells Tarbeck to shut it, and he puts it bluntly: the Kickboxing Academy will be out of business at the end of the summer. Why? He's interested in the deed of the place, and he'll make damn sure that the lease will not be renewed.
Um...why?
Tarbeck says to June that he'll need an assistant after the Kickboxing Academy closes and he'll take over, but she says "no". And here we go: the cliched plot to continue all cliche plots of its kind. The boss suggests that the two rival kickboxing academies should fight at the end of the summer, in some sort of a winner-take-all deal. Winner gets the lease, so if the Kickboxing Academy wins, their lease is renewed. And Tarbeck will be fired, too.
...what? Don't tell me that, despite all the damn jump cuts and some irrelevances to the plot (like...why did we need a scene with WS and the "Pervert"ed guy?), despite spoiling the plot in the introduction, you still didn't see it coming a mile away?
So the bullies mock Brian, saying that with Proto!Andros gone, he'll be their punching bag. Brian disagrees. Treck then tells the girls that it'll be quick and painless, and...ooh, burn! Melinda replies, "You mean like your love life?"
Talk about an own.
The bullies and the rival academy leave the Kickboxing Academy, and Tarbeck and the boss argue about the tournament and why they just didn't take the lease. As the boss leaves after mentioning that he likes humiliation with defeat (hence why the suggestion of the tournament is brought up), the bullies and Tarbeck look at the sign and imagine it saying "Captain Tarbeck's Academy of Pain and Cruelty".
Gee, I think that "Captain Tarbeck" actually is more effective to show how threatening the wannabe academy would have been.
Back to the Kickboxing Academy, the students prepare themselves, and Cindy asks Melinda if she dated Treck before. She did once. That may be irrelevant. And we see the beginners pumping themselves up, until someone suggests that only one of them would compete. And June looks at some pictures, realizing the many years the school survived in (which is fifty).
Until Cindy comes in. After she sits down, June talks about some backstory in which she was adopted. About how her adopted family taught more than martial arts, that the ones who can handle trouble will be the ones that can avoid it, and she's into more trouble than ever before because she took out a loan whilst renovating the place.
Cindy looks at a picture of Proto!Andros actually not being emo, instead kicking ass, and wonders if he'll come back to help. June answers that he may come back, but they'll do this on their own if need be.
Cut now to a fast food place, and we get lovely shots of the food being made and grilled. Hungry yet? A man orders some food, and as soon as he gets it...he chases off with it. And Stan is just standing there, thinking that he might have been hungry. But a manager chastises the cashier for his screw-up.
...though did he just call the cashier a "fat dip"? As lame and classy as it is, wouldn't it get him for harassment?
After that bit of harassment and punishment, Chet shows up. They do some talking and stuff, until the cashier tells Chet that the class sucked. What does the bully respond?
- Bully: "Don't you forget it! Now...get me a double bacon cheese-fatty, you fatty!"
...dammit, movie, enough with the fat jokes. It isn't classy, it's just...childish and insulting.
Oh, and did you know that this is rated PG-13? Because with all the "classy" Badbuttesque dialogue, you probably wouldn't know it. Then again, they did use words like "douche", so...
Aaaaaaaaaaand cut to a bowling alley, further proving that the movie doesn't know where it's going. We get some lovely montages of people bowling. And Melinda works there, it seems, because she was almost run over by a bowling ball. And she mentions that it's her last summer working there, because after that, she'll get a car, and it's guy city. She says this to Cindy.
We see a guy kicking a candy machine, which only takes tokens. So what does he do? Continue to beat the shit out of it. Well, that was pretty irrelevant.
...I seem to notice that this movie has a lot of filler time. And I do mean a lot of filler time. Which could explain why it would not pick a scene.
So Melinda and Cindy leave, and...oh, boy. We go to a pool game, and it's time to play "Rewrite the Scene Like it's a Power Rangers Slash Fic".
At the area where people play pool, Carter notices Andros. The two exchange glances for just a brief second, and the Red Lightspeed Ranger leaves.
...as usual, swap the names of the Red Rangers with "Cindy" and "Proto!Andros" respectively, omit the part of the sentence after "second", and...eh, you know the drill.
Oh, look, it's the stalking bullies again! Dear God, just when are they going to give up? The bullies mock the girls, and the usual asskicking ensues.
...
......................
As soon as Treck falls, his reply is "Ow, my ass!" Really? Are you really sinking your already-below bad guy cred? Are you really turning yourself further into a damn joke?
Wait. No. Don't answer that one.
Though I will give it some credit: it was slightly amusing. In a Narmy way, not just for the delivery of it all, but just the words. And who said it.
Oh, and he says it again. Gotta love how he isn't showing much concern over getting his butt kicked. Then again, considering that he's the idiot...
Chet then breaks out the nunchucks. Prediction: he'll hit himself in either the head or his...groin. Nope, it's neither, what a damn surprise.
Because, once again, Proto!Andros shows up to save the day!
However, it doesn't last long, as once again, he takes a pool cue and does the following: touching Chet's chest, confusing his movements, and attacking his groin.
...what is it with Proto!Andros attacking groins? Seriously.
The girls thank Proto!Andros, and he, being the Humble Hero that he is, admits that they had it under control, and he was just there to finish it up. Is it bad to admit that...Proto!Andros is growing on me? Considering how much of an unlikable asshole the actual Andros was in his Power Rangers series?
And now, let's play the game again! The game of easing the Squick and awkwardness!
Carter: You were just goofing, right?
Andros: Yeah, goofing.
(Carter then tells Andros about the whole tournament, because I'm too damn lazy to type it all up)
You look like you can handle those guys! They don't seem like too much trouble!
Carter: You know, we could use your help.
Andros: Yeah, well, you'll be all right. I'm gonna go back inside, right? See you later.
Once again, you know the drill.
So after Proto!Andros leaves, we cut to the rival academy, and Tarbeck gets a call. A prank phone call. That's about it.
Because we're looking at two people and a skateboard. Oh, hey, it's WS and the guy formerly known as the "Pervert"ed one—no, wait, wait, he has a different shirt with "Pervert" on it. Damn, and just when I was getting my hopes up, too...anyway, WS is determined to get...the Kingdaddy Flash. Yes, that's its name. And yes, that's why he became that messenger (hence why we saw him selling stuff).
But what does this have to do with the movie's plot? Likely, it's its own self-contained subplot, something that no one else knows or cares about.
Though speaking of skateboards, the Little Bro that we saw at the beginning of the movie? And a little bit during the rally-up? He's skateboarding while reading "Captain Kickboxer". Until he's stopped by another boy.
And we finally get a name for Little Bro: Jason. The tiny bully steals Jason's comic book and tells him that he'll rip it up and steal his skateboard. So Jason runs away, leaving the other boy to just throw the comic book down. While Tarbeck watches.
Back at the Kickboxing Academy, Jason looks around and does a half-hearted "kiya", coupled with a half-hearted move. June sees this and tells him that this isn't the way she taught him to "kiya". Jason isn't sure about the kickboxing thing anymore because...of what happened. He couldn't do a damn thing about it. So June decides to teach Jason some secret moves, but only if he can compete in the Junior Lightweight Division in the tournament, which he gladly accepts.
Aww.
Then Not!Arnold, whose real name is Barry, and Stan show up, and the latter tells June that, through some long-winded speech, they're quitting. Actually, June guesses that quickly before they could finish, but she was counting on one of them to be in the Beginners Division against Fatal Combat (the rival academy). Barry gives an excuse as to why Stan can't compete, but June decides that Barry should compete.
Then Barry thinks that he can't be ready in time. All I have to say is this: ...
Thankfully, Jason, one of the only tolerable (so far) characters in this thing, says the thing we're likely thinking: if they're quitters, they shouldn't be in the academy. Barry tells the kid to shut it, and they leave.
Enter the man we saw when we first looked at the "Kickboxing Academy", the one I previously thought looked like June's dad. Actually, upon closer inspection, they do seem to be in the right age ranges, which minimizes any creepiness. And so, with that, I apologize for my earlier statements.
Anyway, Jason wonders if what he said was mean, and June doesn't give him a precise answer. The little boy leaves. The man and June talk a little bit, and...
Cut to Fatal Combat, where their training session, albeit brutal as hell, is underway. Tarbeck knocks a student who was practicing his moves, and he tells him to work on the moves, otherwise, he'll be scrubbing the latrines. Uh...dude? Isn't that...harsh?
And we end this installment with a student giving another a chokehold, asking Tarbeck how he's doing. Lovely.
So ends Part 2. Part 3 will have one of the most extended avert-the-squick-as-much-as-I-can rewrites, that of the rewrite of that controversal scene, along with some analysis. Will I succeed? Will the Kickboxing Academy train in time to defeat Fatal Combat? How much more filler will I take? And just how will WS get his skateboard, and how well is the student doing the chokehold?
All these questions and more will be answered on the next installment of the livebloggening of Kickboxing Academy!
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