And now, the “payoff” to the last chapter. Please picture me saying that with air quotes.
This one’s called “Forty-Two Flavors of Doom”. I wish I actually had ice cream; this would be a lot less painful.
>As the huge tank shook like crazy, Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup struggled with the chains holding their friends. They had managed to free Numbahs Three, Four, and Five, and were now working on One and Two.<
Arithmetic was never their strong point.
>"Who would have imagined that the Delightful Children and Mojo would have resurrected that crazy ice cream beast?" said Numbah One, almost in panic.<
Yet somehow not quite in panic.
>"You want to run this by us again?" said Buttercup. "A giant monster made of ice cream?"
Numbah Two's shackles broke apart.
"Yeah," said Numbah Four. "And last time we were lucky to get out alive!"<
“I’ll never look at caramel topping the same way again!”
>"And we'd best hurry!" said Numbah Five. "Because according to what Cree said, that thing is going to bust loose in..."
She looked at her watch.
"...two minutes ago!"<
Villains: great with monster-making, bad with timing.
>"Stand still Numbah One," said Blossom.
She shot four quick blasts of heat vision from her eyes, and the shackles restraining him broke.<
Assuming that she didn’t do this for the rest of them… why didn’t she? Would have saved them a good five minutes.
>"Good job Girls," said Numbah One.<
Sounds like a euphemism for hookers.
>"Now lets..."
And then, a deafening explosion shook the room, as the huge tank burst apart, knocking the eight youngsters down.
They all looked up.
"Team," said Numbah One. "I think we're in trouble..."<
Oh, what gave you that idea?!?
SCENE CHANGE to the villains:
>About a mile away was parked what appeared to be a huge cross between an ice cream truck and a Winnebago.
Inside, watching on a monitor, were the Delightful Children and Mojo Jojo. Behind them was Cree, next to an ice cream chest and two bottles of root beer.
"Anyone for floats?" she said. "Nothing like an ice cream float while you watch your enemies get pummeled!"
"Can you make mine with chocolate ice cream?" asked Mojo.<
What, no “banana fudge ripple”?
>"Will you be quiet and let us watch?" said the Delightful Children. "You'd best hope that this creature you made does the job Mojo. Father will be angry enough when he learns we used his factory without permission, and this thing cost a fortune of his money! If we don't destroy the Kids Next Door, we're going to get the worst punishment ever!"<
The more they talk, the less it sounds like the canon version of Father and more like Captain “Axe Hand” Morgan.
>"Do not concern yourself over the possibility of failure," said Mojo. "This creature is a vast improvement over your first ice cream beast. It has more modifications, capabilities, potential, and sheer power than its predecessor ever had. I doubt that even the Powerpuff Girls stand any hope of bringing it down."<
I mentioned this last time, but man, does it ever sound like Brian’s trying to Sue up his villains as much as his heroes.
>Cree brought the floats to their table.
"I almost feel sorry for my little sister," she said. "At least she'll die the way she likely always dreamed of doing so... smothered in ice cream!"
They all laughed.<
Villains know how to have a good time.
SCENE CHANGE to the KND and PPG facing their foe:
>Standing one-hundred feet tall and half that wide, it seemed to radiate a fierce arctic wind that chilled them to the bones. Its hulking body was vanilla, and its stubby legs and long arms seemed to be made of scoops of a variety of ice cream. Its huge head was chocolate, and the features consisted of two eyes seemingly made from huge cookie pieces and an amorphous mouth. Its hands and feet bore huge claws that resembled ice cream cones, pointed and sharp.<
…okay, all and all it sounds impressive enough, but I don’t know if “amorphous mouth” is even a phrase that means anything.
>"I don't want to give anyone the cold shoulder," said Numbah Two, "but..."
"Aw, shut up!" said Numbah Five.<
Good on her, that joke didn’t even make sense in context.
>When it saw them, it roared. It breathed in, and suddenly, spit a huge stream of strawberry ice cream at the youngsters. Two much in shock to dodge, they were swept up in the flood and send hurtling against the wall!<
Was it the roar and the strawberry ice cream, or the shock of Brian screwing up as simple a dichotomy as “too/two”?
The kids recover, and since they’re disarmed, the PPG have to handle it:
>"Well our weapons are built in!" said Blossom. "Come on Girls, we've taken down bigger monsters than this!"
They screamed and flew at the thing, and started throwing punches. Their fists knocked hunks off of the behemoth...
But as they watched, the pieces they knocked off quickly grew back.<
Remember this for later. Brian won’t.
The girls try heat vision, but the monster’s heat-resistant (as Numbah Two tells them a minute too late). The fight continues:
>The huge beast loomed over them.
"Now what is he gonna do?" said Numbah Four. "Spit walnuts and pralines at us?"
As if to answer, the beast inhaled, and shot a volley of nuts at them with machine gun speed. The Girls and the operatives screamed and took cover behind a pile of barrels. They were a bit nicked by the time the volley stopped.
"Will you stop givin' him ideas?" shouted Numbah Five.<
Where does it get those? The ice cream I can see as a modification of its regeneration, but where did it keep the nuts?
Yes, this is me going off on suspension of disbelief again, but Brian doesn’t let you keep it suspended for long.
>"Let's try this again Girls!" said Blossom. "Attack Pattern Alpha!"
The Girls flew like a bullet towards the monsters gut at full speed, hoping to knock it down, but it was just too resilient. They bounced right off it. The creature spit another spray of ice cream at them, but they dodged it this time.<
The entire chapter is one long fight scene. It doesn’t improve much from this. Expect me to stare out the window a lot between paragraphs.
>"We've got to help them!" screamed Numbah Three.
"With no weapons?" said Numbah Four.
"Much as I hate to abandon allies," said Numbah One. "We have to go back to the M.O.S.Q.U.I.T.T.O.H. to re-arm ourselves. I think that door over there will lead us back to the loading bay where we entered."<
It’s like Knightboat finding a canal…
The KND tell the girls to make a distraction, but the ice cream beast ignores the girls in favor of chasing them:
>"The stupid thing is chasing us!" said Numbah Four.
"I know the stupid thing is chasing us!" said Numbah One.<
“The sunglasses have little mirrors on the side!”
>The doorways of the factory were far to small for the ice cream beast, but where it couldn't get through an entrance, it made an entrance. The whole factory started to shake on its foundation.
When the team finally got to the loading bay, with the beast in hot (or rather cold) pursuit, it unleashed a new weapon. It breathed out a blast of freezing wind, covering the whole floor with ice! The Kids Next Door slipped and fell over.<
Cripes, even the narration makes bad puns.
And if it’s made of ice cream, couldn’t it just ooze through entryways?
>They looked up, and saw the beast bearing down on them...
"Hold on guys!" shouted Blossom.
The three Powerpuff Girls swooped down on the team and gave a push, propelling all eight of them out the loading bay door! They fell in a heap outside.<
“I fell on my keys.”
>An immense roar came from inside.
"We'll head for the M.O.S.Q.U.I.T.T.O.H.," said Numbah One. "Girls... delay him!"
As they ran from the factory towards their craft, a huge explosion of cement and metal girders burst outwards as the ice cream beast crashed through the wall. Seconds later, the whole factory collapsed on itself, and the beast howled in bloodlust.<
OSHA standards? What OSHA standards?
SCENE CHANGE back to the villains:
>"Oh for the love of!" said the Delightful Children. "The insurance company is never going to believe this!"<
In this universe? Surely they have policies against giant monster rampages.
>"Don't worry about it," said Cree. "It will all be worth it soon enough. The beast has already weakened them. They're sticky and tired and bruised, and it won't be long now..."
"What if they escape in their M.O.S.Q.U.I.T.T.O.H.?" said the Children. "That beast has a limited lifespan!"<
…why? You can’t predict how long it would take to kill them, why would you not set it up for however long it takes? If it’s a self-defense measure (Cree said last chapter that it attacks anything it sees regardless of alignment), then wouldn’t it make more sense to rig it with a kill switch?
If it’s an unavoidable side effect of making it out of ice cream, the question changes: why make an ice cream monster in the first place?
Either way, Cree states that the vehicle won’t be a factor, and we SCENE CHANGE back to the fight:
>With Numbah One in the lead, the team entered the M.O.S.Q.U.I.T.T.O.H.
"Numbah Two, man the guns!" said One. "Everyone else, find whatever weapons you can!"
Numbah Two mounted the turret lasers on the top of the cabin and took aim at the creature. Everyone else searched through the war chests. There were a few soda-bottle blasters, and Numbah Three found a spare teddy-bear rifle.<
They also found Numbah Four’s porn stash in the process, much to his embarrassment.
>Numbah Two locked his sights on the beast, which the girls were still trying (unsuccessfully) to melt with their heat vision.
"We can call this sweet revenge, creep!" said Two. "Fire!"<
When he heard the click, Numbah Two regretted trusting those Duracell ads.
>The M.O.S.Q.U.I.T.T.O.H. blasted its guns at the beast, and struck its torso. Smoke rose out from where it had hit. He had blown a hole in it!
The team cheered, and the Girls backed up.
Then, the hole slowly started to refill.
Within seconds, the beast was as good as new, but it wasn't happy. It howled in anger!<
“I WANT PIE! I WANT PIE!”
>"What the?" said Numbah One. "It can... regenerate?"
"Of course it can," said Numbah Four. "It's made of ice cream, so it's pretty cold..."
"Not refrigerate, fool," said Numbah Five. "Regenerate! Heal itself! All that shot did was make it mad!"<
Ahem… you saw it could regenerate when the Powerpuff Girls punched pieces off of it!
The ice cream monster smashes their ship, and when Numbah Three attacks, it freezes her in a solid block of ice. Numbah Four’s attempt to avenge her gets him stuck to the floor with caramel:
>"Come on, they're in trouble!" said Blossom.
The three Girls flew over to Numbahs Three and Four. Buttercup pulled Four off the ground with a huge yank. <
Leaving a large portion of his skin behind.
>Blossom and Bubbles surrounded Three and started rubbing their hands together. The warmth slowly melted the ice. Three flopped down, soaked and freezing.<
That sounds time-consuming. If they can aim their heat vision carefully enough to break shackles, couldn’t they use it to melt her out? Or has Brian forgotten there’s such a thing as “radiant heat”?
>Meanwhile, Numbahs One, Two, and Five were having little luck trying to damage the creature. Their weapons could hardly scratch it.
Then Numbah One got an idea. He ran over to Numbah Three.
"Numbah Three," he said. "Can you still fight?"
"Just give me a minute..." she groaned. "Let me find my happy place..."<
After a few minutes, Numbah One had to stop Numbah Three, muttering about lewdness laws.
>"That's exactly what I was thinking of, Numbah Three," he said. "You're the only one who can possibly take down that oversized popsicle...<
Popsicles and ice cream only share one element in common: they’re both frozen. Bad insult.
Numbah One suggests calling “the big guy”, and Numbah Three does so enthusiastically:
>"Hippy-Hop!" she said. "Why don't you come over here? We've got someone to play with – a big, nasty, giant made of ice cream!"
A voice said something through the watch.
"What flavor?" she said. "LOTS of flavors! And he has nuts and caramel and little crumbled-up cookie things! Mmm crumbled-up cookie things!"<
What good is a giant mech if you have to bribe it with ice cream?
Hippy-Hop accepts, and we get a brief SCENE CHANGE where Brian gushes about its effectiveness. I’ll spare you the details, and we’ll pick up after the next SCENE CHANGE:
>"Cover you ears, everyone," said Bubbles. "Let's see how he likes my sonic scream!"
Everyone clapped their hands over their ears, as Bubbles let loose her devastating sound attack. Waves of ear-splitting sonics hit the beast, and it staggered backwards.<
Does that creature even have ears?
>The beast howled in rage. It spit a glob of green, chunky ice cream at Bubbles, knocking her down.
Bubbles crawled out of the mess. "Pistachio?" she said. "I hate pistachio!"<
I always took her as more of a cheesecake-flavor kind of girl.
Just as Numbah Four’s gun runs out of ammo:
>Suddenly, the ground began to shake.
"Huh?" said the Powerpuff Girls.
"Huh?" said Two, Four, and Five.
"Huh?" said the Delightful Children, who were watching from their truck.<
“Huh?” said the reader, expecting the deus ex machina to take longer.
>With giant leaps, Hippy-Hop appeared over the horizon!
"Hippy-Hop!" yelled Numbah Three, overjoyed.
"Ooh, a bunny!" said Bubbles. "A big robot bunny!"<
Little girls are little girls, even with superpowers, apparently.
Numbah Three mounts up and hits the metaphorical gas:
>Hippy-Hop's eyes blazed with fire and he bared his sharp teeth.
"IT'S TIME TO PLAY!" he roared.<
>The huge mecha lunged at the ice cream beast.
"Think that dumb bunny can beat that thing?" said Numbah Four.
"Give him some credit," said Numbah Two. "I've been working on him since last time."<
As gears and screws flew by, Numbah Two added, “Of course, I didn’t finish my modifications…”
>As Hippy-Hop leapt forward, a hatch on his back opened, revealing a missile launcher. A series of bursts exploded on his back, and a volley of rockets flew towards the ice cream beast.
A deafening din of explosions lit up the twilight on the impact spot...
But when the duct cleared, the monster was still there! And it was angrier than ever!<
What it was doing in the ductwork, we’ll never know.
SCENE CHANGE to the villains:
>"Yes, yes, yes!" said Mojo Jojo. "Not even that powerful mecha is a match for my powerful frozen dairy product!"
"You'd better hope so, Mojo," said the Delightful Children, "because if it isn't Father is going to be very mad at YOU as well. And you will not like him when he is angry."
"Say, when do I get the pleasure of making the acquaintance of this Father of yours, anyway?" asked Mojo.
"Pray that you don't HAVE to!" they said.<
Let him show up. At this point it’s the only thing that’ll make this story interesting.
SCENE CHANGE back to the fight:
>The ice cream beast wasn't hurt, but it instinctively knew that it was up against a potent force.<
The author’s pet. Also, if it's mindless, why does it have instincts?
>It inhaled, and blew a spray of chocolate sauce all over Hippy-Hop! Hippy-Hop started to slow, as the sauce hardened...
Then claws started to sprout from his paws, and the chocolate shell began to shatter! Hippy-Hop leapt free, and threw himself at the beast.
But the monster was strong, and punched the robotic rabbit on the chin. Hippy-hop took a swipe at the beast, but its regenerative powers were still as strong as ever.
Hippy-Hop backed up, and his eyes started to glow. He blasted two beams of yellow energy from his eyes, sending the ice cream beast toppling backwards.<
It’s a giant robot fighting a monster made of ice cream, and yet my eyes are glazing over at the sheer tedium. Something is seriously wrong here.
>As the beast got up, the Powerpuff Girls flew up beside Hippy-Hop.
"Let's give this rabbit a hand!" said Blossom.
The Girls and the mecha blasted their beams, as the monster staggered. <
Interference! Call for a DQ!
>Then the beast launched forth a great volley of ice cream globs, splattering the robot!
Hippy-Hop fell to the floor and struggled to get up. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup flew around him, trying to clear out the gunk, while the ice cream beast advanced.
Numbah One went up to Numbah Two.
"Numbah Two, I don't think Numbah Three will be winning this one," said One.
"If she doesn't, we're doomed!" said Two.<
“We’ll never get out of this story!”
Numbah One has an idea, and the noncombatants run back to the ruins of their ship in a SCENE CHANGE:
>"So what are we looking for?" said Numbah Four.
"The L.U.N.C.H.B.O.C.K.S.," said Numbah One. "If miracle #1 is on our side, it will have survived."
"Okay," said Numbah Five. "But Numbah Five doesn't see what good that will do... nor does she think there's any chance of finding..."
She lifted up a piece of debris.
"Found it!" she said.<
“Right underneath the plot device, who’da thunk it?”
>Amazingly, the L.U.N.C.H.B.O.C.K.S. was intact. Numbah One took it and opened it.
"It's still operational," he said. "Now we have to pray for miracle #2."
"What are we going to do?" said Numbah Four.
"What would happen," said Numbah One, "if you covered ice cream with mustard?"<
I think I know people who do that anyway. Oh, wait, I do - the French.
>"Yuck!" said Numbah Five. "It would turn into a disgusting inedible pile of goop!"
"Exactly!" said Numbah One, typing. "So if we were to cover that creature with mustard, Numbah Three and Hippy-Hop could easily destroy it!"<
…how does one follow logically from the o- Oh, forget it. If I tried to unravel that, my brain would overheat and shut down.
>"But how are we gonna..." said Numbah Two. "Oh..."
"That's right," said Numbah One. "We have to pray that it's loaded and in position, and if it is... we hit the beast with the S.P.L.O.R.C.K.!"
[Kids Next Door S.P.L.O.R.C.K.: Super Preposterously Large Orbiting Rocket Condiment Kannon]<
I see they refitted Commander Vladimir’s attack satellite.
>After punching in some codes, the image of the S.P.L.O.R.C.K. came up on the screen.
"We're in luck team!" said Numbah One. "It's not only over this hemisphere as we speak, but it's fully loaded with extra-spicy horseradish mustard!"<
“Granted, it’ll burn up on reentry, but maybe the beast will laugh too hard to fight back.”
While Numbah One aims the satellite, Numbah Five checks in with Numbah Three:
>"Numbah Three," she said, "How's Hippy-Hop doing?"
"He's taking some hits, but he'll hold together!" said Numbah Three's voice.
A loud rumble was heard.
"C'mon baby, hold together..." said Numbah Three's voice.<
BLATANT THEFT ALERT! Although KND steals from Star Wars all the time anyway, so maybe it’s just to keep the canon feel.
>Numbah One took the communicator.
"Listen Numbah Three," he said, "hold it off for three minutes more. When I give the command, hit it with Hippy-Hop's most powerful weapon!"
"You mean the super master root beer soda blaster?" said Numbah Three.
"Exactly!" said Numbah One.<
If you use more than one superlative, your weapon’s name sounds stupid. This is an immutable rule.
Numbah One arms the satellite as we SCENE CHANGE back to the villains, who realize the rest of the KND have apparently run off, and then SCENE CHANGE back to the fight:
>Up beyond the stratosphere, a giant satellite came to life, and started to take aim earthward.
A message appeared on the screen of the L.U.N.C.H.B.O.C.K.S.
"S.P.L.O.R.C.K. is now fully armed and locked on target. Initiating countdown to launch. Twenty... nineteen... eighteen..."
Numbah One grabbed the communicator. "Just a few more seconds, Numbah Three!" he yelled.
Hippy-Hop was now a mess. Covered nearly completely with ice cream and caramel, it was all he could do to avoid the beast's attacks. The Powerpuff Girls weren't much better off.<
Ice cream bukkake: the new scourge of our nation’s youth.
>"Five... four... three... two... one... fire."<
WE’VE GOT MOVIE SIGNNNNNNNNNN!
>It appeared as a bolt out of the blue – a brownish yellow bolt that struck the ice cream beast like a missile, covering it from head to toe with several hundred gallons of flaming horseradish! Smoke poured from its giant form.
And this time, it seemed to truly damage the creature. It howled in what seemed to be pain!<
If it’s on fire, does it even matter if it’s mustard? I mean, heat-resistant isn’t fireproof.
>"Now, Numbah Three!" shouted Numbah One.
In her cockpit, Numbah Three opened a special glass case containing a button and pressed it. A huge laser raised itself on Hippy-Hop's back.
"SUPER MASTER ROOT BEER SODA BLASTER ARMED!" roared Hippy-Hop.
"Let's give them a hand with our strongest weapon, Girls!" said Blossom.
They put their hands together.
"Razzle-Dazzle!" they said.<
I’m getting serious “Form Blazing Sword!” flashbacks here. You’d think they would have thought to try this as soon as they had the robot present.
The ice cream beast explodes, and we SCENE CHANGE to the villains fleeing:
>The huge luxury ice cream truck sped as fast as it could back to Delightful Manor. The three participants inside were arguing up a storm, each one blaming the other two for what had happened.<
The air turned blue for miles around.
After some forgettable bickering:
>"ENOUGH!" said the Delightful Children, as the truck pulled up to the mansion. "Father is going to punish all seven of us when he gets back. We don't see how this can get any wor..."<
>They got out of the truck and gazed in astonishment.
"You were saying?" said Cree.<
Yeeeeeep.
>The ice cream beast's head had landed in their swimming pool, and the ice cream and mustard had now pretty much ruined it.
"I'll get someone to drain and clean the pool," said Cree, walking off. "It shouldn't take more than... a week."<
Those are really terrible pool cleaners if it takes that long.
>The Delightful Children sighed. More of Father's money wasted.
"Okay," they said to Mojo. "We have important business to prepare for by Saturday, and perhaps you can help us with it...
"Perhaps it might hold another answer to our problems..."<
“But what good will a kegger do us?”
SCENE CHANGE back to the Treehouse, as the Powerpuff Girls opt to spend the night in order to reduce ambush risks:
>"Numbah Five's taken about eight showers and she still feels sticky," said Numbah Five. "Maybe I'll lay off the ice cream for a few days. Or years."
"We have more to worry about," said Numbah One. "You know what the Delightful Children are doing on Saturday."
"What?" said Blossom.<
“Monthly kegger. They do serious harm when they’re tanked.”
No, actually it’s the “cattle call”, the bit from the show where the Delightful Children audition new villains. (That’s where the Toiletnator running gag came from.) The KND always wanted to spy on it, but they don’t know any villains:
>"Yeah," said Numbah One. "And with Mojo helping them, there's no telling what this cattle call might produce."
Blossom stared into space for a moment.
"Guys..." she said. "I've got an idea!"<
“If it involves marmalade and slingshots, then no.”
We close the chapter with a note from Brian Corvello himself:
>What is Blossom's idea? To be continued... Have patience, because this evil teenager has been busy.<
Brian, you were as much of a teenager when you wrote this as the cast of Dawsons Creek.
This chapter proved a hell of a lot harder to get through than anticipated. At least in the all-talk chapters, there’s terrible bon mots of dialogue to keep the flow going…
