Maybe we'll get lucky and stuff'll happen this time.
Before we get started, I am having zero luck with getting usual TV Tropes formatting to work with this story. So instead of fighting with the bold and italic 's, I'm introducing a new visual guide: quotes from the story will begin and end with > and <, respectively.
Here's how the story introduces Numbah 209:
>Recruiting Agent Numbah 209 was the superior officer whom Numbah One liked the most. A spunky ten-year-old with brains equal to any adult, she was almost the opposite of Numbah 86, both in personality and in position. It was part of her job to seek out promising children with exceptional abilities and recruit them into the organization – Global Command didn't entrust this important task to just anyone. Although final decisions on recruits were voted on by her own superiors, she held a great deal of sway in deciding who got into the Kids Next Door.
And even better, she was authorized to open Stage One Classified information.<
Yep, it's a Mary Sue. The only mitigating factor is that I don't think she'll be around for too long.
After a brief bit of small talk, Numbah One asks what the KND files have on the Powerpuff Girls:
>"Well, let's see what we have on the old L.U.N.C.H.B.O.C.K.S.," said Numbah 209, turning to a small laptop.
[Kids Next Door L.U.N.C.H.B.O.C.K.S.: Largely Undercover Nuclear Computer Handles Bologna Or Complicated Komputer Stuff]<
The acronyms are already stretching themselves thin, and we are only a fifth of the way into the story.
209 sums up the Powerpuff Girl's powers and situation, and then reveals that the KND considered making them agents at one point only to decide otherwise:
>"Well first of all, superheroes or not, we have serious problems with recruiting kindergartners. With the Girls, we might be able to bend the rules, but... this is where it gets tricky..."
"Tricky?" said Numbah One.
"As You Know," said Numbah 209, "The goal of the KND organization is to defend children from the tyrannical oppression of adults. And I'll admit that the Powerpuff Girls have defended children several times. However, they just as often aid adults as well. They do not seem to discriminate among their work as superheroes. In fact, they often go so far as to take requests from adults."<
So aiding adults in any way, shape, or form, even (as 209 goes on to note) ones that have taken no evil action against children, is enough to disqualify you from being a KND member. That takes narrowness of scope to a new height - surely aiding non-evil adults benefits children, right? Or is saving the city (and presumably the children within it) a bad thing because the Mayor asked you to?
It gets better:
>Perhaps when they are a little older, we can approach them and get them to understand our philosophy better.<
Translation: "Once they get older, maybe we can talk them into only helping children and leave adults to go hang."
Why are the KND the good guys in this story again?
209 closes by admitting that, since the PPG saved the main characters, the higher-ups might reconsider their stance, since the KND don't have many allies. She hangs up, and Numbah One goes to bed.
SCENE CHANGE! The Delightful Children are patching up their wounds and seething over their defeat. We get a recap of the last few episodes of the show that featured them, another example of what I presume was infodumping for PPG fans that hadn't seen C:KND, but which is just padding to those of us who either have or who don't care either way.
Their informant from last chapter calls them and schedules a breakfast meeting, and we SCENE CHANGE to the meeting as it begins.
Glancing ahead, it seems we're in for nothing but talking in this chapter. Talking, talking, setup, talking... At least in one of Brian's Yu-Gi-Oh fics he'd include a filler duel to keep some degree of action flowing during exposition chapters. Here it all bogs down.
And given my comments on his inability to write action scenes, you know something's wrong when I long for an action scene.
Cutting to the chase... The informant tells the Delightful Children about how the KND beat up Mojo Jojo, and then hands them a photo.
>"His name is Mojo Jojo, and he's currently incarcerated at the Townsville Maximum Security Detention Center."
"A monkey?" they said.
"A super-intelligent monkey whose skill in technology is practically equal that of yours," he said. "Perhaps even greater. He has been the biggest enemy of the Powerpuff Girls since their beginnings. And he has connections throughout the Townsville underworld. I suggest you give it a good deal of thought."<
The Delightful Children leave, making a phone call on the way out, and we SCENE CHANGE to Townsville's prison:
>The last two days in prison had been abominable ones for Mojo Jojo.
When he was brought in, he insisted that the Powerpuff Girls had defeated him again. But someone had found out (he didn't know who) that "a bunch of ten-year-olds with toy guns" had brought him down. No one else in the prison had ever heard of the Kids Next Door (Mojo didn't even know who they were), and soon, Mojo was a laughing stock.<
Given that most of them were probably put in jail by flying kindergarten students, they're ones to talk.
Mojo gets a note from the Delightful Children telling him to be in the exercise yard at eleven. So he is, and he gets a most unusual pickup:
>"What?" he said. "Who would be so stupid as to try to fly a helicopter into a prison? That is the oldest trick in the book! I expected something newer, something that would... huh?"
Everyone gazed up and saw what seemed to be the strangest of vehicles – an ice cream truck being held aloft by helicopter blades.<
That doesn't sound at all aerodynamic.
The guards prepare to open fire, but get hit with scalding fudge. The truck lowers a grapple, and Mojo grabs on. For some reason, the pilot's dressed as an ice cream man even though this thing wouldn't have needed cover:
>"Do not get me wrong," said Mojo. "I am grateful for the early release, but I find this choice of vehicle rather, how may I put it... somewhat surreal. Not that it did not get the job done, nor that it did not show creativity, but a flying ice cream truck? That is to say the least a bit of a stretch."
"My employers like ice cream," said the pilot. "And they are quite anxious to meet you Mr. Jojo."
"Who are these employers you speak of?" said Mojo. "Where are you taking me? What is... is this chocolate banana ripple flavor you have here in this bin?"
"Help yourself," chuckled the man.<
I know it's part of the show, but you'd think the Delightful Children would be smart enough not to tip their hand so badly. All either the KND or PPG need to hear is "flying ice cream truck" and they'll connect the dots.
You know a plan is ill-considered when Mojo Jojo points out it's weird.
...I kind of want ice cream now.
SCENE CHANGE to the Delightful Children's manor, where Mojo disembarks.
>"So then," said Mojo, stepping out. "Where exactly are these employers that employ you?"<
Mojo Jojo speaks in redundancies, but he's not that bad.
>"We are already here, Mojo Jojo," said a quintet of voices above them. "Leave us, Louis, we must have words with Mr. Jojo.
"Greetings. You may address us as The Delightful Children From Down The Lane."
Mojo looked at them strangely. "Didn't I see you kids in that old Stephen King movie... Children of the Corn?"
"Ugh?" said the Delightful Children. "The Powerpuff Girls made that same stupid joke!"<
- sends the note back in time for Past MCT* At least Mojo seeing that movie makes a little more sense.
The Delightful Children present an alliance, and although Mojo Jojo is tempted, he requests information on the KND. The villains head into a computer room, and Mojo sits down to review information on our heroes.
The last third of this chapter is a massive infodump - first about the KND and then about the Powerpuff Girls. What's the point? What is said in this chapter that we haven't seen already? Why is Brian telling and not showing?!?
The KND profiles show an additional irritant: they show how Brian can't resist Sueing up canon characters. We're going into line-by-line mode, kids.
>NUMBAH ONE
Real Name: Nigel Uno
Role: Team leader, coordinator, planning<
"Really good at making organizational charts.'
>Notable Skills: Leadership abilities, engineering skills, improvising, intermediary with other KND groups, highly intelligent, charismatic, unshakable dedication and iron will, moderate skills in hand-to-hand combat.<
'And he really makes a mighty fine jelly-bean-and-pickle sandwich/for what it's worth!'
>Considerations: Numbah One designed the defense system that guards every earthbound KND headquarters, which makes infiltration of them nearly impossible.<
Yet I'm pretty sure it happened at least once.
>Numbah One's team (and most other operatives of the KND) follows him faithfully. Though they will not follow blindly, he has an enormous amount of influence over them. They are inspired by his presence and will follow his lead, defend him from harm, and most likely, avenge his death if such a situation arises.<
Makes him sound like a cult leader. ...Say...
Also: that's the second time death has come up in this story. Is this going to be a darkfic?
>NUMBAH TWO
Real Name: Hoagie P. Gilligan Jr.
Role: Technology, inventing, piloting<
"Making his teammates groan."
>Notable Skills: Genius level I.Q., expert on the art of making incredible technology out of makeshift material ("2X4 technology"), expert pilot of all KND vehicles especially aircraft, photographic memory, highly creative<
"Makes origami unicorns in his spare time."
>Considerations: Numbah Two is responsible for most of his team's technological wonders, and his inventions can often be surprising.<
"We really didn't see the giant robot John Wilkes Booth coming."
>Although the so called "2x4 technology" looks makeshift and jury-rigged, it can be deadly, often hiding advanced machinery outside of the mainstream of most modern conveniences. Numbah Two is not the best operative in a physical confrontation, but many villains have the scars to prove that his clever thinking can often win the day in combat.<
"The scars that look like teddy bears are a bit much."
>NUMBAH THREE
Real Name: Kuki Sanban
Role: Diversionary tactics, morale, medic<
"Granted, the only medical supplies she carries on her are duct tape and whiskey."
>Notable Skills: Morale boosting, unshakable willpower, distraction in battle, medical skills, diplomacy, luck (?)<
"Is known and feared in Las Vegas under the name 'Little Tokyo'."
>Considerations: Numbah Three is the only operative capable of piloting Hippy-Hop, a partially sentient robot that is perhaps the most advanced and deadliest example of 2x4 technology to date.<
"It has killed three people who laughed at the name."
>Countless foes have made the error of think that the always-happy, apparently airheaded Numbah Three is no threat. However, her ability to lead an opponent into a dangerous trap with her antics has spelled doom for many such people. One never knows what new diversionary trick Numbah Three will think up to aid her team – one must always be wary when confronting her.<
So she's the KND equivalent of Deadpool?
>Though not all people believe in Fate, if such a force exists, it must certainly have smiled on Numbah Three. Things always seem to turn out her way, and luck always seems to turn out in her favor.<
"The author has a crush on her. Be very cautious."
>NUMBAH FOUR
Real Name: Wallabee Beetles
Role: Combat, weapons, offensive tactics<
"He trolls the enemy's Facebook profile and yells profanity during battle."
>Notable Skills: Mastery of several martial arts forms, master of use of all 2x4 weapons technology, incredibly durable, highly athletic, unshakeable fortitude.<
"But dumber than a bag of mentally handicapped gardening tools."
>Considerations: Though purportedly not the smartest member of the team, Numbah Four is one of the deadliest. One would likely have to kill him before he would give up. Do not expect him to ever surrender, no matter what the odds, and if he is taken prisoner, expect a very difficult captive.<
"Why we haven't just shot him yet, we'll never know."
>Although we could not confirm this (as almost all the participants deny it happened), we have reports that Numbah Four at one point infiltrated a secret meeting of no less than fifty villains, and defeated them all, unarmed and alone. <
Did this canonically happen or is Brian just desperate to make Numbah Four sound overpowered?
>If this is true, his skills may be more lethal than previously believed, and he might not be as dumb as most people think.<
Translation: "Screw his canon characterization, I want him to sound AWESOME!"
>NUMBAH FIVE
Real Name: Abigail Lincoln<
"Abigail Lincoln is deservin' of glory/but when she starts drinkin', it's a whole different story!"
>Role: Second in command of the team, espionage, subterfuge, strategy.<
"Wearing really goofy hats."
>Notable Skills: Master spy and saboteur, infiltration, acrobatic, martial arts (second only to Numbah Four), strategic planning.<
"Can plan one hell of a kegger."
>Considerations: Numbah Five has a knack for surviving situations which would be fatal for the average adult, let alone a ten-year-old. As any spy worth her name knows, no matter how dire the situation, there's always a way out. Do not believe she is dead unless you have the body.<
"If caught, shove her through a meat grinder. It's the only way to be sure."
>Numbah Five is the younger sister of Cree Lincoln, a former KND operative and now an enemy of the organization and our uneasy ally. The value of this connection, however, is scant... the two sisters despise each other, and neither would ever gain trust from the other.<
I've seen what Brian did with Cree in the sequel. It's for the best that she doesn't get more screentime here.
After that infodump, the Delightful Children ask Mojo for what he has on the PPG. Leaving out the part where he created them, he spills the details. Back into line-by-line!
>"Well, here is what I know for certain," said Mojo. "It all started with a man known as Professor Utonium, a man who believes himself a genius in many fields, although I am certain that this is only what he believes himself to be.<
"The whole 'clown gun' business raises serious doubts about his mental capacity."
>"Apparently, the unmarried Professor desired a daughter, but rather than try to get one in the usual way, he decided to create one.<
"He couldn't get a date to save his life, and the playground had started posting security guards."
>That alone is proof that he was not of the healthiest of minds.<
"And when I think you have problems..."
>"His formula was seemingly simple... sugar, spice, and everything nice...<
"And just a pinch of MSG."
>"I am not exactly certain about the specifics of the formula he used. The sugar is an easy part, but the spice... I mean there are several types of spices, and I am not certain of what sort he used. Cinnamon perhaps... chives, maybe... pepper, oregano, saffron... who knows? I have no idea what 'everything nice' meant... I don't even think he took notes on this...<
From the intro, it looks like the "everything nice" part was Lucky Charms. And "sugar" isn't an easy part by any means. Do you have any idea how many different types of sugar there are?
>"In any case, the experiment might not have worked at all, had he not been so clumsy! He accidentally spilled a test tube of something called Chemical X into the mixture..."
"Chemical X?" said the Delightful Children.
"Yes. No one is truly certain what it is but it seems to have random effects on people when they come in contact with it. <
"We're just really lucky he didn't spill Chemical @ into the mix instead."
>Anyway, when the Chemical X hit the concoction, it exploded, and right there were the three fully formed, five-year-old, already walking and talking little girls that became known as the Powerpuff Girls... "...my hated enemies..."<
"Well, technically walking and floating, but six of one..."
>He growled, and then composed himself.<
You haven't lived until you've heard "Mojo Jojo for Three Violins".
>"Several people have tried to duplicate this experiment, but the results have never achieved the same amount of success. Perhaps the original concoction had some sort of minor impurity in it that made it work... maybe he measured the sugar with an unwashed measuring cup or something. <
"Hell, maybe it didn't work and the Girls are just a wicked acid flashback, who knows?"
>In any case, no one has ever been able to properly make more Powerpuff Girls, and not for lack of trying.<
The US Government's secret Powerpuff Girl Duplication Project - exposed!
>"Anyway, it soon became clear that the Girls were not identical. Although their bodies were each composed of sugar, spice, and everything nice, they didn't hold equal amounts.<
"You really don't want to know what puberty will be like for them, trust me."
>"Blossom possessed much more 'everything nice' than her sisters, and soon gained the reputation as the smartest and the most competent, a theory that I'd often challenge...<
"'Cause, you know, she's a girl." Sure, it's a villain talking, but that's definitely a line I would have reconsidered.
>"Bubbles clearly possesses more sugar than the others, and became known as the adorable, sweet one, possibly a great deal like this Numbah Three that plagues you. Sickeningly sweet if you ask me...<
"Sounds just like her sister, too... odd, isn't it?"
>"Buttercup clearly possesses more spice, and she soon made her name known as the toughest and meanest member of the team... and I have endured enough punches from her to know that that is true!<
"What truly scares me is that I'm starting to like them."
>"Anyway, ever since they were 'born' so to speak, these tiny titans have been a continual thorn in my side, ruining my carefully laid out plans, beating me senseless, forcing me to dwell in abominable correctional facilities and keeping me from achieving my goals! The mere sight of them just makes me want to..."
He seethed in anger and brought his fist down on the mainframe.<
"Hey! Break it, you buy it!"
>"Well," said the Delightful Children. "We are at an impasse. Our two sets of foes are now friends with each other, and combined they will be difficult for either of us to defeat... or for any of their normal enemies to defeat..."
"Normal enemies..." said Mojo, rubbing his chin.
"I assume you have connections with others whom oppose the Kids Next Door?" he said.<
I get the feeling that at some point in the past, Brian Corvello was told to start a new paragraph whenever a character began a new thought, and didn't realize exactly what that meant.
Mojo and the Delightful Children come up with a plan on the spot, and we SCENE CHANGE to Numbah One trying to order a pizza. He makes sure no one's around, but the instant he says the place's name, the other KND members mob him yelling toppings.
>"Um, I'll call you back," said Numbah One. He hung up.
"I swear people!" he said. "In the entire history of Italy, has there every been any group of people who could agree on pizza toppings?"<
I'll give him a pass on the paragraphing, because the tempo and subject of the lines change between paragraphs and thus justify the line break. No, I quote this one because you will see this joke in later Corvello fics.
After a half-hour of working out the specifics, Numbah One finally orders the pizzas, but the place's delivery car is in the shop, so they have to order carry-out. This leads to another joke I'm pretty sure he took from somewhere else:
>"Someone has to pick them up. Numbah Three, why don't you take care of that?" "Ask Numbah Four," said Numbah Three. "He owes me a favor."
"Fine," said Numbah One. "Numbah Four will you go pick up the pizzas?"
"Ask Numbah Two," he said. "He owes me a favor."
Numbah One gave a look. "Numbah Two, will you go pick up the pizzas?"
"Ask Numbah Five," said Two. "She owes me a favor."
"Numbah Five," growled Numbah One, "will you go pick up the pizzas?"
"As Numbah Three," said Numbah Five. "She owes me a favor."
Numbah One slapped his forehead with his hand.<
Waa-waaa-waaaaaaaaaaa...
Numbah Three agrees to go as soon as she's asked, but as she carries them to her bike...
>She paused and sniffed the air.
A familiar odor... familiar, yet different, was about. It was strangely like someone had taken one of her favorite smells and mixed the smell of rancid meat with it.
The smile started to waver from her face. She slowly turned around.
ZAPP!
Numbah Three fell over, unconscious.
"Perfect," said a voice from the shadows. "The perfect hostage, and free pizza to boot!"<
So the chapter ends, and good riddance. Sometimes reading Brian Corvello fics is like the literary equivalent of watching The Room.
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