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Live Blogs Modelland: A Blind Sporking
LadyMomus2011-09-30 03:35:28

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Welcome to the Sporking

Ah, fantasy. It contains everything from the expansive world-building of Tolkien, to the pun-filled fluff of Xanth, to the formulaic but awesome Belgariad, to the gritty world of the Dresden Files. I've been reading books of fantasy and mythology as long as I can remember, and I still love finding a new fantasy world to explore.

But for every fantasy epic, there are a hundred mediocre tomes. For every thrilling adventure, there is a snooze fest. For every gem, a piece of compost cleverly masquerading as a book.

Which will it be? You never know until you read them.

Or - in the case of Modelland by Tyra Banks - until you look at the title and cover.

An Introduction to the Author

I will now share everything I know about Tyra Banks.

Tyra Banks is a model. She's been on at least one TV show about modeling. She was in the Hannah Montana Movie. She recently wrote and published a book titled Modelland.

. . .

Oh, and her name is derived from the Old Norse word for "Thor."

Demographics and Me

I saw Modelland described as both teen and young adult fiction, so the target demographic is presumably 13-25 year old girls. In theory, I should be in the target demographic. In reality, I'm so far out of the target demographic, I need the Hubble to catch a glimpse of them.

What I know about fashion could fit on an index card. I wear Christmas socks year round, have no qualms about wearing purple sweatpants with an orange t-shirt, and would rather go to the dentist than go shopping for clothes.

I didn't want to be a princess or a model when I was a kid. I wanted to be a Power Ranger or a Saiyan or a member of the U.S.S. Enterprise.

I spent years rejecting all things girly while embracing media aimed at boys and men. Since then, I've learned that my knee jerk reaction to media aimed at girls and women was incredibly unfair. Recently, I've learned to enjoy media aimed at girls. I've learned that just because something is feminine, cutesy or girly doesn't mean it's bad. In light of that, I am willing to give Modelland a chance.

A snowball's chance, but a chance nonetheless.

Liveblog Rules

This is a blind liveblog. I will be liveblogging each chapter as I read it, while doing my best to avoid spoilers. I am not allowed to start a chapter until I finished the one before it. I may continue on to the next chapter before posting, but I'll at least have a draft of that chapter's post done before continuing on.

Next time, we'll start at the very beginning.

Before the Beginning

I steal furtive glances around the room. The lunch room is empty. Too early for any witnesses. Even so, I hold one arm in place to shield my Kindle from anyone who might enter and see what I am about to do.

I type the word slowly. Modelland.

My breakfast threatens to crawl up my throat. My finger strays to the "back" button. It would be so easy to turn back now. To pretend I never considered it.

But try as I must, I cannot turn away. It beckons me like a flame beckons a moth. I try to banish my desires to eviscerate it. To ignore the desire to quench the lust of my spork. But I am no longer in control. IT has me, and there is no escape.

With a trembling hand, I hit the enter key.

BUY

I pray that my family never learns of my shame.

Comments

108.26.82.36 Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 10th 2012 at 7:15:19 PM
Wait, what happened to, what was his name, Hunchy?
LadyMomus Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 10th 2012 at 7:45:17 PM
^^ I have no clue. Hunchy hasn't been mentioned since his last appearance. (I just finished reading the next chapter and he isn't in it either.)

Either he's going to show up in the last couple chapters — possibly as an end-of-book cliffhanger — or Tyra forgot he existed.
SKJAM Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 10th 2012 at 7:41:10 PM
Unless he's mentioned in the Epilogue, I'm going to imagine him reaching Modelland, getting in because the dimwits think he's Tookie's father, and then quietly and one-by-one eating everyone's internal organs.

Happy Ending. :-P
DrDahm Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 10th 2012 at 10:14:34 PM
I'd like some backstory on Hunchy. How does he know who Piper is? How does he know Piper's scent? Why is he so determined to kill her that he'd cross the Divide, a place so dangerous that it is widely recognized as impossible to pass? If all he's after is human organs then why didn't he attack his traveling companions? What is the society of Lizard Folk like? Tyra Banks accidentally made a minor background villain one of the most mysterious and complex characters in the book.
gekkolexicon Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 11th 2012 at 2:17:58 PM
-sigh- Ci~L, see love, WHAT IN FUCK'S NAME IS THAT!!!!! WHO NAMES THERE CHILD THAT! I can understand if it was pulled of as a hard warming moment. But here its INCREDIBLY STUPID!

And creamy could've been a good villain. But her backstory screws it for me. It makes her more pathetic. Also the backstory destroys the book even further.

Also the fact that the world goes into disaster manages to go into wallbanger territory. Which is practically a near beyond the impossible moment for this book for how much time it takes gunnero to get his news across, which I think is incredibly short.

I think Gunnero probably doesn't know about Ci~L being a princess, but she could've said something! But the preregistered thing is top secret so they have some kind of reason to cancel just to keep up the conspiracy. It's still stupid non the less.

If there's a sequel I'm sure Hunchy will be there. Also Dr Dahm, even if Tyra elaborates on hunchy's backstory, our guesses would be better than her canon (which would probably be true if it happens).

Tyra has managed to take stupid to whole new levels. And I agree there are a few good characters worth while here.

I hope this will never get made into a movie because I think it will either cause the apocalypse, the end of the world or will cause some bizare warp in reality that will fuck up all reality for awhile and when that settles, we will be living in a new weirder reality.

I HATE THIS BOOK!
gekkolexicon Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 11th 2012 at 3:23:44 PM
Also, I forgot to mention, the only way to stop the universe from exploding from a movie of this book if all the famous bad directors, producers and actors all come together to make this thing. I'm sure the universe will not implode because two negatives will a positive, or a weaker negative. It will also be an asylum movie.
Jergling Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 11th 2012 at 4:57:11 PM
Modelland: The Movie Starring Nicholas Cage as Tookie Eddie Murphy as 12 other characters at the same time and Tyra Banks as anyone who's pretty

Directed by Uwe Boll
Evergreen215 Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 11th 2012 at 5:19:30 PM
I can foresee a Modelland movie. Tyra Banks would play the main character, of course (of course). The Bella Donna will be totally CGI-animated. In an ironic (?) twist, hardly any money will be spent on costuming, and everything would look fake and tacky- the sets, with their lavish budgets, would be overshadowed by the horrendous costumes. It would be directed by M. Night Shyamalan.
FreezairForALimitedTime Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 11th 2012 at 11:37:35 PM
Maybe Hunchy gets into that secret city in the mountain. Gets him some therapy. I'm willing to bet that's the only place in this universe therapists exist.
Sharysa Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 12th 2012 at 10:16:47 AM
Sweet lord, these past few chapters were as confusing as The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo—but the key difference is that Modelland has none of Dragon's actual awesomeness. There are too many plot-holes, and the reveals are too sudden.

Not even commenting on the fact that the reveals in this chapter are used to justify the VILLAIN'S actions. A shitty life or a horrible failure =/= justification for mistreating everyone else.
gekkolexicon Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 13th 2012 at 8:03:06 AM
lol good movie suggestions. I can reasonably see the second one existing. Cage and Murphy would have more dignity that that.

@ Freezair: Doubt it, they'd be learning how to run modelland and all. even if there are therapists, they'd be pretty lousy going by how good the doctor is.

@ Sharysa: I couldn't agree more. Tyra did the impossible and made a piece of shit worse. A shitty life wouldn't turn you into a villain unless you somehow become warped. normally, you'd either turn cynacal, depressed, or try to turn it around. And normally you either have a life long regret from that horrrible faillure or try to make up for it.
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