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Live Blogs Modelland: A Blind Sporking
LadyMomus2011-09-30 03:35:28

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Welcome to the Sporking

Ah, fantasy. It contains everything from the expansive world-building of Tolkien, to the pun-filled fluff of Xanth, to the formulaic but awesome Belgariad, to the gritty world of the Dresden Files. I've been reading books of fantasy and mythology as long as I can remember, and I still love finding a new fantasy world to explore.

But for every fantasy epic, there are a hundred mediocre tomes. For every thrilling adventure, there is a snooze fest. For every gem, a piece of compost cleverly masquerading as a book.

Which will it be? You never know until you read them.

Or - in the case of Modelland by Tyra Banks - until you look at the title and cover.

An Introduction to the Author

I will now share everything I know about Tyra Banks.

Tyra Banks is a model. She's been on at least one TV show about modeling. She was in the Hannah Montana Movie. She recently wrote and published a book titled Modelland.

. . .

Oh, and her name is derived from the Old Norse word for "Thor."

Demographics and Me

I saw Modelland described as both teen and young adult fiction, so the target demographic is presumably 13-25 year old girls. In theory, I should be in the target demographic. In reality, I'm so far out of the target demographic, I need the Hubble to catch a glimpse of them.

What I know about fashion could fit on an index card. I wear Christmas socks year round, have no qualms about wearing purple sweatpants with an orange t-shirt, and would rather go to the dentist than go shopping for clothes.

I didn't want to be a princess or a model when I was a kid. I wanted to be a Power Ranger or a Saiyan or a member of the U.S.S. Enterprise.

I spent years rejecting all things girly while embracing media aimed at boys and men. Since then, I've learned that my knee jerk reaction to media aimed at girls and women was incredibly unfair. Recently, I've learned to enjoy media aimed at girls. I've learned that just because something is feminine, cutesy or girly doesn't mean it's bad. In light of that, I am willing to give Modelland a chance.

A snowball's chance, but a chance nonetheless.

Liveblog Rules

This is a blind liveblog. I will be liveblogging each chapter as I read it, while doing my best to avoid spoilers. I am not allowed to start a chapter until I finished the one before it. I may continue on to the next chapter before posting, but I'll at least have a draft of that chapter's post done before continuing on.

Next time, we'll start at the very beginning.

Before the Beginning

I steal furtive glances around the room. The lunch room is empty. Too early for any witnesses. Even so, I hold one arm in place to shield my Kindle from anyone who might enter and see what I am about to do.

I type the word slowly. Modelland.

My breakfast threatens to crawl up my throat. My finger strays to the "back" button. It would be so easy to turn back now. To pretend I never considered it.

But try as I must, I cannot turn away. It beckons me like a flame beckons a moth. I try to banish my desires to eviscerate it. To ignore the desire to quench the lust of my spork. But I am no longer in control. IT has me, and there is no escape.

With a trembling hand, I hit the enter key.

BUY

I pray that my family never learns of my shame.

Comments

Gante Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 1st 2012 at 8:10:57 PM
"Meanwhile, the twisted, rabid, hunchbacked figure..." Rabid? Hunchy has rabies?
FreezairForALimitedTime Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 1st 2012 at 8:56:00 PM
Having played Rayman Origins recently, I cannot take anything that resembles a musical instrument seriously. It just puts me in mind of The Desert of Digeridoos (which I can somehow take more seriously as a setting than Modelland, despite that game being comical), and I just picture this carnivorous flute-grass with big googly eyes and potentially giant tongues.
psycher7 Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 2nd 2012 at 11:46:15 AM
^ Am I the only one who thinks that would make a much better book? In fact, we could just transcribe someone's Let's Play of Rayman (or one of my faves, Banjo Kazooie) and it would make a lot more sense than this. Although not as much fun to spork.
DrDahm Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 2nd 2012 at 5:30:28 PM
The Pilgrims are definitely the highlight of this book. Hell, even Hunchy manages to make up for being an evil cannibal by being a fairly badass evil cannibal. He's even fighting handicapped since his finishing move implies that Lizard men commonly use their lower talons in combat.

I'll take a third option on his motives. I think Hunchy is going after Piper specifically because he has a grudge against their family. The only thing we know about Piper's dad is that he's an albino and he was killed by a Lizard Man. I think Piper's old man might have fought Hunchy sometime in the past. During that battle he killed one of Hunchy's own family members, perhaps even Hunchy's children. Hunchy then killed him in retaliation and swore a blood oath against his family. Killing Piper and eating her sweetbreads is the only way he can avenge his family and put his children's spirits to rest.

I'm curious, what weapons are the Pilgrims using? I know Hunchy has a spear and Myrrical and Creamy use that weird monster repellent but what about the others?
LadyMomus Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 2nd 2012 at 6:13:00 PM
"I'm curious, what weapons are the Pilgrims using?"

They're using metal that they've scavenged and sharpened into weapons. Abigail has a piece of siding, Harriet has a belt buckle, and Lynne has a twisted piece of car bumper. The group also have "shank spears," but we aren't told what they were made from.

No idea why there are car bumpers and siding there, but I'll forgive it, because surviving a desolate wasteland with scrap metal as their only weapons is pretty badass.
FreezairForALimitedTime Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 2nd 2012 at 7:02:26 PM
@Psycher: I've often thought that a fantasy novel based on a With The Serial Numbers Filed Off version of Banjo Kazooie's universe would be an insanely fun read. Or at the very least, a fantasy world with the same weird whimsy as the Banjoverse.

"Weird whimsy" is definitely what this book is trying to pull off, I think, but we must remember that not all whims are good whims...
gekkolexicon Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 3rd 2012 at 9:34:38 AM
@Dr Dahm: The whole vendetta against Piper's family would make perfect sense when you think about it. If Piper's father"s death involved a Lizard Man. Then, they could've somehow both killed each other and hunchy wants revenge for his Friend's/Lover's/ child's/ leader's death. That would make sense in context. There's just one problem with that: How did he know that Piper was at modelland? I think the answer would be that he snuck in, tracked the mother, most likely killed her since we see no signs of a war, she told him about modelland and he journeyed all the way there. It's either that, or went into a village/camp and found out that Piper was in modelland. which gave him a chance to avenge his tribe.
LadyMomus Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 3rd 2012 at 1:27:23 PM
"How did he know that Piper was at modelland?"

A group of Hunchy's people saw Piper leave with a Modelland Scout. It's possible he was part of that group, or heard about Piper leaving from that group.
gekkolexicon Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 4th 2012 at 9:50:02 AM
yeah, that's possible. But how did that tribe know about modelland?

here's my answer: he was part of the group who saw the modelland scout get out of the dome. this particular Lizard Man has a vendetta against Piper's family because of what happened to his budddy when he/she faced Piper's dad (I'm still sticking to my theory that they both killed each other). since we now know that these guys can traveloutside of the jungle, so he most likely travel to a village or city, that may not have reconized that he was a Lizard Man and found out the details of Piper's whereabout. Which lead him to the diabolical divide.

There you go: a plausible theory that'll probably be screwed over by a beyond the impossible stupid reason.
108.26.103.232 Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 4th 2012 at 12:41:06 PM
This assumes that it'll be explained at all. I doubt it, to be honest.
gekkolexicon Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 4th 2012 at 8:02:00 PM
I agree. The way this book is going, any and every logical explanation will never happen.
DrDahm Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 4th 2012 at 11:14:19 PM
Well Modelland is supposed to be so superspecialawesome that everyone in the world wants to go there so it's entirely possible that Hunchy's people already know about it. By the way Lady Momus, are you okay with me calling them Lizard Folk or would that be insulting to their species. I'm not being sarcastic, if it honestly bugs you I'll start calling them by their proper moniker.
LadyMomus Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 6th 2012 at 6:46:58 AM
^ It doesn't bug me if you call them Lizard Folk. They have scales, claws and pointed teeth, so it fits. (And "Lizard Folk" sounds more dignified than "LeGizzârd".)

Now if you start referring to Hunchy as "it" instead of "he", then it would bug me.
206.248.32.246 Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 8th 2012 at 6:50:26 AM
There's one other, nonsensical, and so most likely going to be in this story, idea.

Hunchy is Piper's father. When those inside the dome stay in the light outside too long their freaky uber-albiniam turns their skin scaly and lizard-like, then bakes their brains so they turn into animalistic lizard folk. Piper's pop ventured out, or was kicked out by Piper's mom, and now he's fixated on his used-to-be-kid because she's something he remembers from when he was a human.
gekkolexicon Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 9th 2012 at 6:56:12 PM
That's possible, but I don't think it's as big as an asspull for this book.
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