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Live Blogs Modelland: A Blind Sporking
LadyMomus2011-09-30 03:35:28

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Welcome to the Sporking

Ah, fantasy. It contains everything from the expansive world-building of Tolkien, to the pun-filled fluff of Xanth, to the formulaic but awesome Belgariad, to the gritty world of the Dresden Files. I've been reading books of fantasy and mythology as long as I can remember, and I still love finding a new fantasy world to explore.

But for every fantasy epic, there are a hundred mediocre tomes. For every thrilling adventure, there is a snooze fest. For every gem, a piece of compost cleverly masquerading as a book.

Which will it be? You never know until you read them.

Or - in the case of Modelland by Tyra Banks - until you look at the title and cover.

An Introduction to the Author

I will now share everything I know about Tyra Banks.

Tyra Banks is a model. She's been on at least one TV show about modeling. She was in the Hannah Montana Movie. She recently wrote and published a book titled Modelland.

. . .

Oh, and her name is derived from the Old Norse word for "Thor."

Demographics and Me

I saw Modelland described as both teen and young adult fiction, so the target demographic is presumably 13-25 year old girls. In theory, I should be in the target demographic. In reality, I'm so far out of the target demographic, I need the Hubble to catch a glimpse of them.

What I know about fashion could fit on an index card. I wear Christmas socks year round, have no qualms about wearing purple sweatpants with an orange t-shirt, and would rather go to the dentist than go shopping for clothes.

I didn't want to be a princess or a model when I was a kid. I wanted to be a Power Ranger or a Saiyan or a member of the U.S.S. Enterprise.

I spent years rejecting all things girly while embracing media aimed at boys and men. Since then, I've learned that my knee jerk reaction to media aimed at girls and women was incredibly unfair. Recently, I've learned to enjoy media aimed at girls. I've learned that just because something is feminine, cutesy or girly doesn't mean it's bad. In light of that, I am willing to give Modelland a chance.

A snowball's chance, but a chance nonetheless.

Liveblog Rules

This is a blind liveblog. I will be liveblogging each chapter as I read it, while doing my best to avoid spoilers. I am not allowed to start a chapter until I finished the one before it. I may continue on to the next chapter before posting, but I'll at least have a draft of that chapter's post done before continuing on.

Next time, we'll start at the very beginning.

Before the Beginning

I steal furtive glances around the room. The lunch room is empty. Too early for any witnesses. Even so, I hold one arm in place to shield my Kindle from anyone who might enter and see what I am about to do.

I type the word slowly. Modelland.

My breakfast threatens to crawl up my throat. My finger strays to the "back" button. It would be so easy to turn back now. To pretend I never considered it.

But try as I must, I cannot turn away. It beckons me like a flame beckons a moth. I try to banish my desires to eviscerate it. To ignore the desire to quench the lust of my spork. But I am no longer in control. IT has me, and there is no escape.

With a trembling hand, I hit the enter key.

BUY

I pray that my family never learns of my shame.

Comments

FreezairForALimitedTime Since: Dec, 1969
Nov 25th 2011 at 3:03:09 PM
"Bestoterone?" Really, book? Really?

Also, the M building makes me think of impractical and unlikely architecture in general, which makes me think: "Doofenshmirtz Evil In-Cor-Por-A-Teeed~!"
gekkolexicon Since: Dec, 1969
Nov 26th 2011 at 11:51:43 AM
I've read various parts of this book, including the ending. Your gonna be suprised at what I discovered in the last few chapters. anyway, I'm not gonna spoil it for you. This book is so bad I wacked my head on the back cover. as much as I read, which is sparce, I have no idea What Bestosterone is for. Have you guys ever wondered why we are facinated with the fantasy staples and archetypes?
Sharysa Since: Dec, 1969
Nov 26th 2011 at 6:12:45 PM
...

...

I am giving up hope on this book now that I've read "Bestosterone."

From now on, all I have to do is laugh and snark.
128.103.135.254 Since: Dec, 1969
Dec 1st 2011 at 11:42:43 PM
Your blog is pure joy to read.

That being said, couture is short for haute couture (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haute_couture), which in English usually translates to 'high fashion'. So what the sentient hand of indeterminate gender is actually saying is that changing your hair colour is 'not high fashion', which is not an abuse of the term couture, which is now used as a synecdoche for something that is the height of fashion.

Every other criticism is spot on, though. Please post again soon :-)
LadyMomus Since: Dec, 1969
Dec 2nd 2011 at 9:48:55 AM
"Your blog is pure joy to read. " Thanks. :)

And thanks for the correction. (I know very little about fashion, so my comment about couture was based on a couple minutes on Google.)
Cliche Since: Dec, 1969
Dec 3rd 2011 at 6:12:24 PM
"Equation?" Piper looked excited. "If it deals with mathematics, specifically algorithmic statistics, I'll be an immense help to you all!"

The thought of this book trying to work out a mathematical problem unnerves me. Oh, wait.
DrDahm Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 6th 2012 at 3:22:48 PM
The idea of that wet pouch being a part of Ci-l's body has rocketed this story into Silent Hill level terror for me. With that noted I must admit that I got a chuckle out of "Bestosterone", mostly because I wonder if there is a lesser holiday in this world where boys undress on international television before riding on a Scouts "Magic Staff" to the school.
YonTroper Since: Dec, 1969
Nov 21st 2012 at 1:26:10 AM
Oh, it gets worse. In the original song, "shake, rattle and roll" was a euphemism for sex.

...No comment.
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