...because I just want to break the whole "fighting" in the title-thing.
Last time...well...um...let's just say that at least the plot's progressing a bit nicely. Seriously, if I had to recap what went on in Part 3, I'll still need Brain Bleach.
So let's continue.
So last time, we cut to Cindy and Proto!Andros.
...
Ugh.
Eventually, Proto!Andros decides that he wouldn't mind fixing up the academy, but then Brian shows up, stating that they're doing fine without him. Also, I think he might be holding up a root beer. We hope.
Oh, wait, no. It looks like honest-to-God beer.
...
So Brian struts around like a little asshole. And he berates Cindy for not speaking to him. Cindy wonders if he's drunk. Answer: uh...duh?
...come to think of it, if Brian has a drinking problem, why the hell is he still in kickboxing class?
Brian and Cindy get into a little argument, with Cindy stating that Brian doesn't listen, and the guy still becomes an asshole to his "girlfriend", even going so far as to describe the time where he fixed her car.
Is it that bad that I'm honestly rooting for Proto!Andros right now and want him to kick Brian's ass? As I think about it more, he's actually loads better than the sum of his parts. He has that "Angst? What Angst?" thing down pat and acts well.
...though the "quitting because he nearly killed someone" thing still bugs the shit out of me, especially since he's capable of using...kickboxing, I guess...against the bullies. Twice.
Anyway...Cindy tells Brian that he doesn't allow her to finish sentences and not allowing her to be who she is, and Brian thinks that Proto!Andros isn't better than him.
...as far as the whole love thing goes, let's not think about that too much. I've already scrubbed out the memories of Part 3.
Having that said, Brian tells Proto!Andros to go back to the "boozer dad", and the academy doesn't need him. Proto!Andros' reply? "Cindy's right, you don't listen."
Ouch. And that was pretty funny.
Eventually, Cindy and Proto!Andros leave, but Brian stops the latter. So apparentally Brian doesn't just have drinking problems, but he has jealousy issues, too. Proto!Andros doesn't want to fight Brian, perhaps thinking that it would be a sad waste to use his umpteenth Groin Attack on his opponent, but Brian is still talking shit.
And Proto!Andros just wants to walk away, but nooooooooo. Brian decides to beat him up, but Proto!Andros defends himself. After a fight involving Brian using the pool cue and Proto!Andros using a couple balls to defend himself and a literal asskicking that leaves the former unmoving, well, Brian smashes the beer bottle and tries to attack. However, it wasn't a smart move, as his hand was fucking bleeding, and Proto!Andros finishes Brian off with kicking him to the jukebox.
Cindy appears, asking Brian if he's okay, but he flees, humiliated with the loss. He then meets up with Chet and Treck, and they...talk for a bit.
Oh, dear God! Did Brian just throw up?! Ew! Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew!! Ew!
After a few vomit-related "jokes", Brian leaves for good. God, I need some Brain Bleach. Who had the bright idea to do a Vomit Indiscretion Shot? And we get a driving scene that just goes on and on and on and—
Oh hai, lovey-dovey talk scene courtesy of June and her boyfriend! And yes, they are talking about the bottle. But then the phone rings, and June stops kissing. And she calls her boyfriend a jerk. Okay...not sure if it's relevant or not, so for now, it's semi-relevant. NEXT!
Cut right back to the driving scene. Brian tries to stop, but he crashes into a wall. Ouch. And we get to see his bloodied face. So what happened to him? Is he...dead? If so...I feel somewhat bad for stating all those things in the liveblog.
Of course, we don't know what happened right away, because we're now back at the beach! Oh, wait, we do know. It sounds like Brian won't be able to compete, so a guy named Pierre would take his place.
...who the hell is Pierre? Oh, wait, there's Pierre.
Anyway, after June tells him that she believes in him, Cindy and Melinda talk about Brian a bit. The former then asks June how she knew, and it's revealed that he was not dead, but hurt, and he's in the hospital.
...well, that pretty much solved that mystery.
In the hospital, Jason shares a Captain Kickboxer story to the injured Brian whilst Cindy appears with some flowers. As the Cute Shotaro Boy leaves, Cindy is about to apologize, but Brian actually mans up and takes the responsibility. He even admits that he hadn't listened after all. Well, that's all nice and good now.
During the little talk, Jason peeks, and Brian tells his brother to keep out. So he does. Anyway, Brian asks if there are no hard feelings, and Cindy thanks him. They talk about the replacement. Consensus: he's a nice guy, but he isn't that skillful. But he's the best they got.
Cut to Murder Fatal Combat. One guy wonders why the slideshow from Captain Tarbeck's combat days would help them against the Kickboxing Academy tomorrow, and he is answered by a sucker punch from Chet. Soupy doesn't understand, and he gets sucker punched...by himself. Apparentally, the answer is that he wouldn't show them if he didn't think they'd help.
Phone call time! Guess what it is...wait...did I seriously see a noose in the class? What the fuck is wrong with this guy?! No wonder why the class is in the shape it is.
Anyway, the boss asks Tarbeck if the school's ready for the fighting tournament tomorrow. Oh, and Chet will be replaced by another fighter. Tarbeck, understandably, doesn't take it well. Because the boss still wants to use his secret weapon.
...good God, enough with the "secret weapon" bullshit if the "secret weapon" is even worse. Which I think it may be.
Tarbeck tells the boss, Mr. Maddox, that they can handle it themselves, but the boss tells him that it's already a done deal. Is it even possible that the boss is even stricter than Tarbeck? I would hate to imagine him running the class.
As Tarbeck pets the golden cobra, the class laughs. At Tarbeck getting a wedgie. Seriously. I wonder if it ever went viral...regardless...
We cut back to the Kickboxing Academy. And who better to show up than Proto!Andros? He wonders if he could help out, if possible, and luckily for him, there's a way. He can help in the competition tomorrow. Of course, he doesn't accept it, because he quit kickboxing because he nearly killed someone.
Once again. Where the fuck is that fear when you fought Brian and the bullies? I'm blaming the writers for that bit of inconsistency.
So June shares with Proto!Andros a piece of her life story, a tournament she competed in when she was nine. A nine-year-old boy died right in front of her. It turned out that she decided not to fight, even after the death was revealed to be heart failure. The lesson she learned from her father? Put the past behind you, or it will get in the way. Upon hearing that, Proto!Andros walks away.
So we found out that June had more of a reason to give up and ultimately rise above the tragic event. And thanks to the damn writers, we don't know if we can believe Proto!Andros when he says that he gives up fighting despite showing that he has no problem dealing with his enemies.
Cut to outside. Cindy admits that this time, she really underestimated Brian. Proto!Andros is happy to hear that, of course. And then she says that she and Brian actually think that Proto!Andros should take the latter's place in the competition. Proto!Andros, as usual, protests against it.
...I'm really not going to bother with this shit.
Cindy says that he should do it for goofs. Or for her. And...oh God please no please say that they're not—oh my God, they did! They kissed again!
...I really should have played "rewrite the scene like it's a bad Power Rangers slash fic". But considering how much love scenes this movie is churning, it would be overused fanservice right about now.
And we get a small scene of June looking at a picture. NEXT!
So while the bullshit went on, I actually wondered, how would the salesguy and the "Pervert"ed one get the skateboard? Turns out they did. And we get the salesguy hitting on the blonde woman.
Let's face it. All the scenes with this guy...is just utterly pointless in the movie. Nothing...nothing actually happens to move the actual plot along. It has its own contained storyline, one that the writers and director thought that it wouldn't work in a separate movie, but hey, let's just try to cram it into a crappy movie and make it even shittier.
And...we end this part with a damn fart joke. Lovely.
So ends Part 4. Only two more parts to go. Who will win in the competition? Will Proto!Andros decide to join forces with the Kickboxing Academy? Who's the secret weapon? And what the hell were the writers and director thinking with these Refuge in Vulgarity jokes?!
All this and more can be answered on the next livebloggening of Kickboxing Academy!
Comments
