Line #104 Creator/MitchHedberg


1	[[quoteright:250:https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/mitch_6383.jpg]]
2	%%
3	->''"I'm tired of following my dreams! I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."''
4
5	Mitchell Lee Hedberg (February 24, 1968 -- March 30, 2005) was an American stand-up comedian who used a lot of one-liners, like Creator/StevenWright with a more laid back delivery. He was known for his monotone voice and [[CoolShades rose-colored aviator glasses]]. He specialized in wordplay, {{Non Sequitur}}s, and observational comedy. He made a few appearances on a handful of TV shows and did some voice work for ''WesternAnimation/HomeMovies''.
6
7	Hedberg was an admitted drug user, and occasionally made jokes about his drug use in his act. These jokes became HarsherInHindsight when Hedberg died in 2005, supposedly by overdosing on heroin and cocaine. What makes it sadder is that [[WhatCouldHaveBeen this was before doing his first HBO special]].
8
9	Discography:
10	* ''Strategic Grill Locations'' (1999)
11	* ''Mitch All Together'' (2003)
12	* ''Do You Believe in Gosh?'' (recorded in 2005, released posthumously in 2008)
13
14	----
15	!!I used to trope. I still do, but I used to too.
16
17	* AccentUponTheWrongSyllable: Was sometimes guilty of a variant-- he would stress the wrong word in a given sentence (usually the final word), for no apparent reason other than his quirkiness. It was just the way he talked.
18	-->"I don't need a receipt for the doughnut! We don't need to bring ink and paper into ''this.''"\
19	\
20	"If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire ''exit.''"[[note]]Unless you are a ''table!''[[/note]]\
21	\
22	"I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-''circle''."\
23
24	* AnachronisticSoundtrack: There's a jazz bassist, named Chuck Savage, playing all throughout ''Strategic Grill Locations,'' giving the album the vibe of a coffee house from decades ago. Mitch even comments on his playing at some points.
25	* BearsAreBadNews:
26	** Mitch feels that Smokey the Bear should not be the forest fire prevention mascot because bears are too scary. He prefers [[strike:a fake character he made up]] England's mascot Smacky the Frog.
27	** He and some friends were dropping acid in the woods to avoid the cops, but ran into a bear, "[[{{Understatement}} which was even more of a buzzkill]]." A friend remarked, "Smokey is ''way'' more intense in person."
28	* BeyondTheImpossible: Once told a joke about a hypothetical situation where someone took a picture of himself "when [he] was older."
29	* BeYourself: He has a bit where he expresses annoyance at turkey versions of other meat products (for example, turkey bacon). He says someone should tell the turkeys to just be themselves instead of trying to pretend to be other animals since they already taste good on their own.
30	* {{Bowdlerization}}: The digital version of ''Mitch All Together'' changes the title of "Movie Pot" to "Movie ''Plot''."
31	* BigDamnFireExit: "I was standing in the lobby of this hotel just minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'Sir, could you please move? You're blocking the fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't going to ''run''. If you are flammable and have legs, you are never 'blocking' a fire exit! [[AnalogyBackfire Unless you're a table]]!"
32	* BigfootSasquatchAndYeti: Mitch thinks the reason photographs of Bigfoot are always blurry is because Bigfoot ''is'' blurry.
33	-->"That's ''extra'' scary to me. There's a large, ''out-of-focus'' monster running around the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy!"
34	* BrickJoke: Sort of a meta-example. On one of his albums, Mitch makes a joke that falls flat. In response to the tepid laughter, Mitch promises to fix that joke by taking out all of the words and putting in new ones. Much later in his set, when a completely different joke gets a lot of laughter, he explains that this was the fixed joke from earlier.
35	* BrilliantButLazy
36	-->"Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny."
37	* ByNoIMeanYes: On Smackey the Frog: "It's just like a bear, but it's a frog."
38	* CallBack:
39	** The audience at his Comedy Central Presents special seems to have been primarily made up of people that were unfamiliar with Mitch's act. Because of this, it took a while for the audience to warm up to him and laugh in understanding of his material. By the end, the crowd was more engaged, so Mitch continued to tell jokes for editing reasons just thinking of whatever jokes came to mind.
40	-->"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."
41	-->"[[SoUnfunnyItsFunny I like swiss cheese,]] [[CallBack unless I'm with four or more people]]."
42	** Near the end of ''Strategic Grill Locations'', he reviews the jokes he used previously in the set.
43	--->"Velcro wallet I already talked about... suitcase that I handcuffed to my arm I already talked about... [...] 'I hear music', 'Fuck yeah, that's the only way you can take it in.' I'm gonna shave too."
44	* CallingShotgun: "Last time I called shotgun we'd rented a limo, so I fucked up."
45	* CantYouReadTheSign: This is his response when a child tells him a KnockKnockJoke while Mitch is wearing a Do Not Disturb sign.
46	* CaptainObvious: "I bet the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is fuckin' ''clean'', man."
47	* CloudCuckoolander: To call Mitch "off-kilter" would be an understatement. He had a very strange way of looking at the world coupled with a unique cadence to the way he spoke. He sometimes gets compared to Creator/StevenWright, but even that comparison doesn't quite capture Mitch's loopy stoner vibe.
48	* ClusterFBomb: His sets were often peppered with curse words, even if his material wasn't exactly all that racy. His routines still make sense without all the cursing. He dropped the profanity for his TV appearances.
49	* ColbertBump: The infamous "Dunkin Donuts Rant" video led to a minor Youtube bump of Hedberg's routines, due to his bit on doughnuts and its odd relevance to the situation:
50	-->"I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction! We don't need to bring ink and paper into this! I can not imagine a scenario where I'd have to prove that ''I bought a doughnut''. Some skeptical friend...'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I've got the documentation right here! Oh, wait, it's back home, in the file. Under D... for doughnut.'"
51	** People [[DueToTheDead visiting his gravesite]] often leave receipts for doughnuts.
52	* CordonBleughChef: "I am not gonna make a banana bread pastrami cottage cheese sandwich! It will severely ruin my reputation!"
53	* CrowdPleaser: "You can't please all the people all the time. And yesterday, all those people were at my show."
54	* DagwoodSandwich: He sees sandwiches from New York delis as this.
55	-->"It's like a cow with a cracker on either side... 'Whatcha gonna have?' A pastrami sandwich. 'Would you like anything with that?' Yeah, a loaf of bread, and some other people?!"
56	* DeadpanSnarker: A good number of Mitch's jokes were snarking about expressions and objects that took their language literally.
57	* {{Dissimile}}: "With a stoplight, green means 'Go' and yellow means 'Slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means 'Go', green means 'Whoa, hold on'... and red means 'Where the fuck did you get that banana from?!'"
58	* DistinctionWithoutADifference: "My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said, 'No. But I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"
59	* DoorSlamOfRage: One of his gags was about arguing with his girlfriend while they were out camping. He tried to angrily storm out of the tent and slam the access flap behind him, which just [[FailedAttemptAtDrama made him look silly]].
60	-->"How are you supposed to register your anger in this particular situation? Zipper it up really quick?"
61	* DoubleStandard: "[[TheAlcoholic Alcoholism]] is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. 'Goddamn it, Otto, you're an alcoholic.' 'Goddamn it, Otto, you have lupus.' One of those two doesn’t sound right."
62	* EruditeStoner: "I used to do drugs... I still do, but I used to, too."
63	** "I love my Fed-Ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it... and he's always on time."
64	* ExactWords: Used during his memorable appearance on ''Series/That70sShow'':
65	-->'''Frank:''' "Hey, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam so I could serve hot dogs to teenagers!"
66	-->'''Kelso:''' ''looks down behind counter'' "You have both your legs, Frank."
67	-->'''Frank:''' "Like I said: I did ''not'' lose a leg in Vietnam!"
68	* ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin:
69	** "I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It'd be so damn ''literal!'' You are using that for its exact purpose! That machine's been misunderstood for ''years.''"
70	** "I bought a king-size bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. 'Oh, you're a king, you say? Just wait 'til you see what I've got in store for you! It's built to your exact specifications!'"
71	* ExpospeakGag: Describes a man with a hat, facial hair and various facial piercings as having "a lot of cranium accessories". Lampshaded with the comment, "This is a smart crowd; when I do the dumb crowds, I have to say 'you've got a lot of shit on your head.'"
72	* FantasticRacism: "When it comes to racism, people say 'I don't care if they're black, white, purple, or green!' Ah, come on now! Purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocatin'! Then ''help 'em!''"
73	* FridgeBrilliance[=/=]FridgeLogic: {{Invoked}} in several of his routines. A lot of his humor relied on pointing it out.
74	--> Advil has a candy coating; it's delicious. And it says on the package, "Do not take more than two a day." Well, then, don't put a candy coating around it! I can't help myself! (Beat) Man, I really got a sweet-tooth....\
75	\
76	I saw a commercial for a piece of technology which said "now you can water your hard-to-reach plants." Now who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach! I will ''throw'' water at you. Hopefully someone will invent a product before you shrivel and die. Think like a cactus!"\
77	\
78	I was standing in the lobby of this hotel just minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "Sir, could you please move? You're blocking the fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't going to ''run''. If you are flammable and have legs, you are never "blocking" a fire exit. Unless you're a table.\
79	\
80	I bought a two-bedroom house. But it's up to me how many bedrooms there are, ain't it? Fuck you, real-estate lady, this bedroom has an ''oven'' in it! This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is a.k.a. "a hallway". ...This bedroom's over in that guy's house. Sir, are you aware you have one of my bedrooms? Don't decorate it!\
81	\
82	''Every'' book is a children's book if the kid can ''read''!\
83	\
84	One time, this guy handed me a picture. He said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." ''Every'' picture is of you when you were younger!
85	* IWasToldThereWouldBeCake: "Don’t bring [[GRatedDrug the cake-eater]] over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
86	* IfIHadANickel: Invoked: "'That's dumb'...if I had a nickel for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very unusual way!"
87	* LaughingAtYourOwnJokes: Perhaps due to his stage fright, he sometimes laughed nervously, especially after poor jokes.
88	-->"That joke made me laugh before I could finish it. Which is good, 'cause there's no ending. I just, I fuckin' covered it up."
89	* LeftItIn: On one CD, after a particular joke falls flat, he jokes about adding the sound of audience laughter to compensate.
90	-->"All right ... that joke is going to be good because I'm going to take all the words out and add new words. That joke will be fixed."
91	* LimitedSocialCircle: "I don't have a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know all the time. Then if someone needs to get in touch with me, they just say 'Mitch!', and I say 'What?' and turn my head slightly."
92	* LoopholeAbuse: Mitch once encountered a duck, and wanted to feed it, but didn't have any bread on him, so he went to a Subway to get some and ended up discovering quite the exploitable loophole:
93	-->'''Mitch:''' I went to a Subway sandwich shop, and I said, "Let me have a bun," but she wouldn't sell me just a bun. [[ObstructiveCodeOfConduct She said it had to have something on it.]] She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just a bun; I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So, I said, "Alright, put some lettuce on it," which they did. They said, "That'll be $1.75." I said, "It's for a duck." They said, "Alright, well then it's free." See, I did not know that. ''Ducks eat for free at Subway.'' Had I known that, I would've ordered a much larger sandwich. "Lemme have the steak fajita sub, but don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck! There are ''six'' ducks out there, ''and they all want Sun Chips!''"
94	* MediumAwareness: Both ''Strategic Grill Locations'' and ''Mitch All Together'' open with Mitch acknowledging the CD recording, and both are peppered with jokes about said recording.
95	-->"I'm gonna have to have some liner notes for that joke. 'During that joke he points to the back.' So people get the full experience."
96	* NonAppearingTitle: Both ''Strategic Grill Locations'' and ''Mitch All Together'' are named after routines that do not appear on their respective albums. "Mitch All Together" is from his "Corn on the Cob" routine[[labelnote:]]"It's not like you cut my arm off and call it 'Mitch,' but then re-attach it and it's ''[='Mitch All Together.'=]''[[/labelnote]], which is on ''Strategic Grill Locations''. "Strategic Grill Locations" is from a different routine where Mitch reminisces about his job as a grill cook[[labelnote:]]"See that's how I knew [my manager at the restaurant I used to work at] wasn't a dreamer, 'cause the day I give up my dreams is the day I have strategic grill locations. [[/labelnote]], which has not been formally released.
97	* NonIndicativeName: He once spent a whole day driving around town with the emergency brake engaged on his car:
98	-->"That don't say much for me, but it says even less about the emergency ''brake''. It's more like an emergency 'make the car smell funny' lever."
99	* NotAvailableInStores: Originally, his first CD. Unless he brought it in the store and left it there.
100	--> "'Sir, you forgot this.' No, I did not. That is for ''sale''. Please alphabetize it."
101	* ObsessedWithFood: He just loves to joke about food. It’s been said that he would walk around the grocery store to get inspiration for new jokes. When introduced as having appeared on a popular late night talk show, Mitch responded, "... but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. 'Ladies and gentlemen... you might have seen this next comedian at the store.'"
102	* OneSteveLimit / PsmithPsyndrome: Averted. Mitch Hedberg had two separate relationships with girls named Lynn. Well, technically, one Lyn and one Lynn.
103	--> "Sometimes I'll fuck up and call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name. She can tell because I don't say the 'nn' long enough."
104	* OverlyLongGag: "I was at a restaurant, I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me cause she said, 'how would you like your eggs?' So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said, 'Incubated.'" ({{Beat}}) " 'And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put onto a grill. And then put onto a bun. Damn, [[LampshadeHanging it's gonna take a while]].' " ({{Beat}}) "[[BrickJoke Scrambled]]."
105	* PaymentPlanPitch: "They say this product is available for four easy payments. I'd like to see one with three easy payments and one ''fucking complicated'' payment... We're not telling you which one, but one of these payments is going to be a ''bitch''. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck, fucker!"[[note]]"The last payment must be made in ''Wampum!''"[[/note]]
106	* PerformanceAnxiety: A lot of his comic persona was born out of his stage fright, especially his on-stage jittering and his CoolShades.
107	* {{Pun}}: A staple of his humor.
108	-->"I order a club sandwich all the time, and I'm not even a member, man!"
109	* RapidFireComedy: Oh so very much.
110	* SadlyMythtaken: One of his jokes relies on the premise that looking at Medusa turns you into a pillar of salt. [[Myth/ClassicalMythology Medusa]] turned people to ''stone''--a pillar of salt is what happened to Lot's wife in Literature/TheBible. [[RuleOfFunny Of course, the joke wouldn't have been nearly as funny]] if he'd salted his food by making a guy look at the burning wreckage of Sodom and Gomorrah.
111	* ScrewTheRulesIMakeThem: As mentioned above, he took issue with his house being called a "two-bedroom house", because ''he owns the house''. There can be as many or as few bedrooms as he damn well wants. Even if one of them is over in that guys house.
112	* SelfDeprecation: If a joke didn't work, Mitch was always the first person to point it out. For instance, after one joke which didn't make any sense, he had barely finished telling the joke when he said "All right, that joke was ridiculous!"
113	** Subverted on one occasion when the audience underreacted to a joke Mitch was actually fond of. "That joke was better than you people are giving it credit for."
114	* ShoddyKnockoffProduct: He perceived Mr. Pibb to be this to Dr. Pepper because Pibb didn't get his degree.
115	* ShrinkingViolet: He was extremely shy in real life and his famous sunglasses were used to help him deal with his intense stage fright.
116	* SignatureLaugh: During one performance, Mitch singles out an audience member with a distinctive laugh.
117	-->"The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is that I know exactly when you're ''not'' laughing. 'Oh! Distinctive Laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!'"
118	* SoUnfunnyItsFunny: Mitch was a notoriously casual performer, mixing in half-finished and unfunny jokes right beside legitimately brilliant and hilarious one-liners. The juxtaposition made the bad ones ''even funnier''.
119	-->"I have a sweet tooth. ''[scattered laughter]'' I think I messed something up with that last joke. I apologize."
120	* StonersAreFunny: A stoner comedian, in fact. He played off his jokes about drugs, but he was known to use weed quite frequently. He sounds positively ''baked'' throughout ''Strategic Grill Locations,'' especially in comparison to his later albums.
121	* TemptingFate: Played with when discussing playing golf, and hitting a guy with a drive. "You're supposed to yell out 'Fore!', but I was too busy mumbling, 'There ain't no way that's gonna hit him...'"
122	* ThirteenIsUnlucky: "The hotel I'm staying in doesn't have a thirteenth floor because of superstition. But people on the fourteenth floor -- you ''know'' what floor you're really on. What room are you in? '1401.' No you're not! Jump out the window, and you will ''die earlier!''"
123	** "If 13 is unlucky, then so should the letter "B" be, 'cuz "B" looks like a scrunched-together 13. 'Hi, what's your name?' 'Bob.' 'Get the ''fuck'' away!'"
124	* VampireDoctor: He's got a vampire pun bit which goes in part:
125	-->''I went to the doctor. All he did was suck blood from my neck. Do not go see Dr. Acula.''
126	* VeryLooselyBasedOnATrueStory
127	-->"Hey man, you know that story about that woman that drove her and her kids into a river?"\
128	"Yeah?"\
129	"Well, it ''inspired'' me to write a story about a gorilla."
130	* VerbalTic: in his first CD, he had a tendency to say "All right..." after jokes. He didn't do it as much in later shows.
131	** It did carry over a bit when he did smaller gigs. Heck, even his wife had the tic when she toured with him as his warm-up act.
132	* ViewersAreGeniuses: Some of his jokes require a little bit of thought before you get it, and the audience will sometimes hesitate with a smattering of laughs before erupting.
133	-->"I once bumped into a guy; he had on a hat, a nose ring, an eyebrow ring, a goatee, a tongue ring, and 3 earrings. He said, 'Hey, man, you have a lot of nerve!' And then I said 'Hey, man, you have a lot of ... [[SureLetsGoWithThat cranial accessories]]. ''[laughter]'' You guys are a smart crowd. When I do the dumber crowds, I have to say, 'Hey, man, you have a lot of ''shit on your head''.'"
134	* WritersCannotDoMath: One of his jokes is: "I like rice, rice is good when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something." This is actually lowballing things. A single grain of rice weighs, on average, somewhere between 0.025 and 0.03 grams, so 2,000 of them would weigh between 50 and 60 grams or thereabouts. A standard serving of rice is half a cup, or 200 grams, somewhere around three to four times that amount.
135	* JustForFun/XMeetsY:[[invoked]] Foosball: soccer meets shish kabobs.

Context Creator / MitchHedberg