History WarpThatAesop / SpongeBobSquarePants

** Smart people are jerks.

** When someone's a jerk, it's perfectly okay to slam a pizza in his face and not worry about charges being pressed.

* "Patrick Smartpants": Becoming smarter will only result in you alienating your friends.

* "Patrick SmartPants": Becoming smarter will only result in you alienating your friends.

* "No weenies allowed": Forcibly ripping off a bouncer's tattoo is a valid way of gaining entry into the club he works for.

** If someone's trying to get help because they got something stolen, make fun of them just because they're half-nude, [[{{Hypocrite}} even though you yourself is full on nude.]]

** If someone's trying to get help because they got something stolen, make fun of them just because they look different.

* Always go to your best friend for help, even though said best friend is an absolute moron who would make your situation worse than it is ("The Splinter", "Stuck in the Wringer").

** basically, [[RunningGag berate the snail]].

** Those who humiliate someone will keep doing so and never receive punishment.

* "Pizza Delivery": Apparently you can call up a burger place and they'll gladly prepare a pizza and deliver it to you.

* "Mermaidman and Barnacle Boy": It's completely natural and ok to obsessively stalk and annoy the elderly in the interest of forcing them to come out of their well-earned retirement.

* "Bubble Buddy": If you have an imaginary friend causing problems for others, both of you are 100% innocent because he's the one doing it, but he also doesn't exist.

** Even if someone's a jerk, it's perfectly okay to slam a pizza in his face and not worry about charges being pressed.

* "One Coarse Meal": It's okay to psychologically torment your enemy to the point he attempts [[DrivenToSuicide suicide]]. It's just good ol' rivalry. [[KarmaHoudini You'll get away with it too.]]

** Even if someone's a jerk, it's perfectly okay to slam a pizza in his face and not worry about charges being pressed.

* "Pizza Delivery": Apparently you can call up a burger place and they'll gladly prepare a pizza for you.

* "Suction Cup Symphony": Take inspiration for your arts from anywhere, especially from a doctor and his patient's screams.

** A completely blown-up house is fancier than an expensive, garnished, well-maintained mansion if it resembles a work of art.

* "Squirrel Jokes": It's perfectly fine to tell racist jokes so long as you [[HatesEveryoneEqually include]] ''[[HatesEveryoneEqually every]]'' [[HatesEveryoneEqually demographic]], even your own kind.

** Being an adult is boring and you'll never have fun. The best way to have fun is to be the most immature person ever.

** If you have an evil archnemesis bend on stealing your secret formula for delicious burgers, you are justified to use self-defense in protecting that secret... as well as making it your life's goal to not only make sure he doesn't get a single customer if its actually legit business ("Plankton's Regular," "Chum Caverns") but also to scare and harass him to the point of suicide by pretending to be a monster (read: whale) that can eat him ("One Coarse Meal").
** Making everyone else's lives a living hell is [[IdiotHoudini A-okay if you're the]] [[ProtagonistCenteredMorality protagonist.]]
*** If you're clingy and annoying to other people, it's A-OK, [[DoubleStandard but when someone is clingy to]] ''you,'' [[MoralMyopia it's downright wrong!]]
** Always force friendships with people who openly show hints that they aren't interested in being your friend. People who don't want to be friends with you are assholes who deserve everything bad to happen to them.
** Being a {{jerkass}} means you deserve all the bad things that happen to you, even when you're not acting like a jerk at the moment.
** Always go to your best friend for help, even though said best friend is an absolute moron who would make your situation worse than it is ("The Splinter", "Stuck in the Wringer").

** "Just One Bite":
*** No one likes individual opinions. No one.
*** No one ''has'' individual opinions, anyone who does are just misinformed.
*** It's perfectly fine to debase yourself for food, no matter how disgusting, your colleagues will happily agree you should.
*** Gluttony is not a sin. It's the social norm. But watch those thighs, they'll explode.
** "Christmas Who?": If you don't celebrate a new holiday introduced, it'll be shoved down your throat until you stop being a grinch and assimilate.
** "Can You Spare a Dime?":
*** You should never leave your crappy minimum wage job and overbearing paranoid boss. If you try to live out your dreams, you'll inevitably become homeless.
*** If anybody takes advantage of your hospitality by treating your house like its a free hotel and you like a slave, they will face no repercussions for their selfish actions.
*** Never stand up for yourself when someone is taking advantage of your generosity. It will only result in the other person not getting the ''obvious'' hints and you being back in that position you were in.
*** If you lift up your boss and shake him around, he will not reprimand you.
** "Dumped": If you have a cookie in your pocket, you'll gain friends instantly.
** "Pickles": In the midst of customer complaints, it's a safe bet to check under their tongues first because they're obviously part of a scheme to get you fired from your job. It's common courtesy.
** "Procrastination":
*** Have a paper to write? Don't bother with it. It's not like the teacher will collect it or anything.
*** You should feel confident about writing a 800-word essay in 5 minutes.
** "Pre-Hibernation Week": Comfort zones exist for a reason. Anyone who wants to push you out of them only want you dead.
** "Chocolate with Nuts":
*** If you come up with a good enough lie, people will buy ''anything''.
*** A seemingly mentally unstable guy who screams and chases you down only wants to buy your stuff.
*** If you get a bunch of money, don't invest it or save it. Spend it on taking two elderly women to a restaurant that you rented out entirely.
** "F.U.N.": Any positive change in someone's personality is a fabricated lie. It's especially the best to ignore them if they want to hang out with you.
** "Struck in the Wringer":
*** Crying solves your problems!
*** You're a bad person for calling out your best friend for ruining your life and you deserved to be in your unpleasant state.
** "A Pal for Gary":
*** If your new pet is messing with your snail pet, berate the latter for not getting along with the former.
*** If your new pet turns out to be a monster and tries to eat your snail, sternly tell your snail to "put him down".
*** If your new pet tries to eat you, still berate your snail.
*** After your snail saves your life from being eaten by the new pet and chases it out of the house, don't thank him, but berate him for driving the it away.
*** basically, [[RunningGag berate the snail]].
** "Boat Smarts": Don't follow car/boat safety. Or else you will get seriously injured or killed in the hands of [[KarmaHoudini a reckless driver]].
** "In[=SPONGE=]iac": Follow your boss' advice on sleeping well to work better, even though you were really doing fine before.
** "Demolition Doofus": If your failing student got you severely injured, [[DisproportionateRetribution you must plot to kill him to get rid of him forever]]. On the other hand, if your stupidity got your teacher severely injured, show no concern for her and crack insensitive and tasteless jokes about her condition.
** "Little Yellow Book": You can join in on bullying until the victim gets upset, then turn on the guy primarily responsible as if you have the moral high ground.
** "Squirrel Jokes": It's perfectly fine to tell racist jokes so long as you [[HatesEveryoneEqually include]] ''[[HatesEveryoneEqually every]]'' [[HatesEveryoneEqually demographic]], even your own kind.
** "Gone": Are you and the rest of the characters tired of being around one person? Make up a holiday solely dedicated on being away from that person.
** "Tentacle-Vision":
*** With public access television channels, expect that high-brow, intellectual programming will be canceled in favor of low-brow, TotallyRadical programming.
*** Never host your own television show in your own house or everyone will come over and ruin it and the producer will take over your show without your involvement.
*** It's perfectly fine for you and your friends to ruin someone's television show.
** "Kenny the Cat": If someone is a liar and a con-man, you're 100% justified [[DisproportionateRetribution in drowning them until they confess,]] [[{{Hypocrite}} even if you yourself nearly drowned to death multiple times.]] [[FantasticRacism You can never trust a cat!]]
** "To Love a Patty":
*** It's perfectly logical to [[CargoShip have romantic relations with a burger]].
*** Only dump your significant other if they get ugly.
** "Yours, Mine, and Mine": Sharing with your friend is by blatantly doing the opposite.
** "Sponge-Cano": If you complain about your [[ButtMonkey life being miserable]], then you are bad and you deserve to be thrown into a volcano in order to prevent it from destroying town. Or at least you deserve to have your house being thrown in a volcano. Just be grateful your annoying neighbor allows you to live in his house no matter how many times he has caused you grief over the past few seasons.
** "Squid's Visit": If your neighbor doesn't want to visit you, steal one of his belongings just so he can come over. Don't worry, you're not really stealing it, you're just borrowing it. In addition, design your house exactly like your neighbor's just to make him feel like he's at the comfort of his home. Don't worry, you're not creepy for doing that.
** "Sleepy Time": Going into other people's dreams will anger them to the point they will come to your house and scold you.
** "Something Smells":
*** Bad breath means that you're ugly.
*** Only the unfunniest of memes take on a life of their own.
** "Grandma's Kisses":
*** Being an adult is boring and you'll never have fun. The best way to have fun is to be the most immature person ever.
*** Showing affection towards people, especially your older family members, will only result in you being publicly humiliated.
*** Those who humiliate someone will keep doing so and never receive punishment.
** "Squidville":
*** Don't move away from your annoying neighbors. You'll end up missing their company and would desperately want to move back to the neighborhood they live in.
*** If you get bored from doing the same things every day, never think of other things to do to entertain yourself.
*** If your town's normal routine grows monotonous to you, despite it being totally fine to everyone else and they aren't forcing you to change yourself, unless it's disrupting the days of others, then clearly, the entire town is at fault for being too boring.
** "All That Glitters":
*** Replacing your old broken spatula for a new one is wrong.
*** New spatulas will turn out to be assholes.
** "No Nose Knows":
*** Gaining a nose will turn you into a paranoid asshole.
*** If your friend cannot be trusted with one of their own body parts, forcibly remove it from them.
** "Club [=SpongeBob=]": The only way to solve life's problems is to listen and obey a talking conch who tells you to do nothing.
** "Nature Pants": Living close to nature will never work.
** "Breath of a Fresh Squidward": It's only okay to be clingy if ''you'' are doing the clinging. If anyone does the same towards you, it's wrong and he deserves to be yelled at for doing something [[{{Hypocrite}} you do all the time.]]
** "One Coarse Meal": It's okay to psychologically torment your enemy to the point he attempts [[DrivenToSuicide suicide]]. It's just good ol' rivalry. [[KarmaHoudini You'll get away with it too.]]
** "The Idiot Box": If you decide to take part in whatever fun the youth are doing when they take a break to sleep, you and the fun will both go to the landfill.
** "Band Geeks": It's okay to stay with your band and focus on fame if you give your rival a heart attack. [[DeathIsCheap He'll be all good and fine the next time you see him!]]
** "House Fancy":
*** When someone tells you to paint ''part'' of a wall, paint the entire floor.
*** Do not attempt first aid on a [[AgonyOfTheFeet broken-off toenail]]. There'll be no blood and it'll heal itself in the next scene.
*** If the reality show you're setting up for will come at any minute and you're not ready for them, open the door anyway. It's just your neighbor trying to use your restroom.
*** [[AnyoneCanDie Not even your toilet is safe from death.]]
*** A completely blown-up house is fancier than an expensive, garnished, well-maintained mansion if it resembles a work of art.

*** Don't move away from your annoying neighbors. You'll miss their company and would desperately want to move out.

*** If you come up with a good enough lie, people will eat ''anything''.

** "Christmas Who?": If you don't celebrate a new holiday introduced, it'll be shoved down your throat until you stop being a {{grinch}} and assimilate.

** "Christmas Who?": If you don't celebrate a new religion introduced, it'll be shoved down your throat until you stop being a grinch and assimilate.