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** You can tell someone's an asshole because they have stubble.

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** You can tell someone's an asshole because they have stubble.stubble.
* "Sandy, Help Us!": Don't help anyone, at any time, even if they have valid reasons to need help and they haven't done anything wrong to you.
* "[=BassWard=]": It's okay to spend an entire vacation trying to make someone miserable, because neither of you will get what you want anyways.
* "Blood is Thicker Than Grease":
** If nobody wants something for a few minutes, it loses all value it had or will ever have.
** If your family is successful but ''you'' aren't, try to sabotage their lives.
* "Don't Make Me Laugh": Even if you can't go to work and repeatedly offend people, don't complain and just accept it.
* "Momageddon": Freeloading off your parents is something everyone should do.
* "Squidiot Box": If you hear someone screaming from inside a confined location, don't help them. Instead, marvel at what an exciting adventure they must be having.
* "We ♥ Hoops": Harass an old man until he takes you on an adventure.
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** The secret to creating a masterpiece is to [[TrueArtIsAngsty drive yourself into a rage-induced frenzy of creation.]]
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** Don’t help people, even if they’re your friend and are living on the streets, they’ll just take advantage of you.
** Homeless people are just lazy moochers too stubborn to get jobs, and could easily get hired if they wanted to.
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* "It's a SpongeBob Christmas!":

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* "It's a SpongeBob [=SpongeBob=] Christmas!":

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* “Shuffleboarding”: If you waste food, don’t tie your shoelaces, chew your gum too loudly, or become too old, you will get thrown in jail.

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* “Shuffleboarding”: If you waste food, don’t tie your shoelaces, chew your gum too loudly, or become too old, you will get thrown in jail.jail.
* "It's a SpongeBob Christmas!":
** Fruitcake makes you evil.
** Even if you spend the whole year being a jerk, you'll still get presents if everyone else in your town is even worse.
** You can tell someone's an asshole because they have stubble.

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* "Struck in the Wringer": You're a bad person for calling out your best friend for ruining your life and you deserved to be in your unpleasant state.

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* "Struck in the Wringer": Wringer":
**
You're a bad person for calling out your best friend for ruining your life and you deserved to be in your unpleasant state.state.
** Crying really ''does'' solve all of your problems.
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** It's perfectly fine to rip someone's mouth off because they made fun of your hat.
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** It's okay to beat up babies because you don't like what your friend is doing.

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** It's okay to beat up babies because you don't like what your friend is doing.doing.
* “Shuffleboarding”: If you waste food, don’t tie your shoelaces, chew your gum too loudly, or become too old, you will get thrown in jail.
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** It's perfectly fine to trick people into hurting themselves to attract customers to a restaurant.

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** It's perfectly fine to trick people into hurting themselves to attract customers to a restaurant.restaurant.
* "Gary's Playhouse": It's okay to skip work to watch cute animals all day.
* "Mandatory Music": Sometimes you need to be arrested for assaulting children and schoolteachers to discover your true talents.
* "The Goobfather":
** Ice cream explodes after it melts.
** If someone is getting all up in your business and telling you what you cannot do, even though he has no authority to, don't fight back. Otherwise a fat guy in a blimp will nuke the both of you.
* "My Friend Patty":
** Are people suicidal? Blame science.
** Some people get no joy out of life unless they kill themselves.
** It's okay to beat up babies because you don't like what your friend is doing.
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** Also, if you're a terrible comedian, you can still become extremely popular if you decide to tell racist jokes.
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** If you're ugly, everyone will die.
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** If you ever see someone hit a human-sized sack into the trunk of a car with a shovel, don't worry: It's just a bunch of laundry.

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** If you ever see someone hit a human-sized sack into the trunk of a car with a shovel, don't worry: It's just a bunch of laundry.laundry.
* "Wet Painters":
** If you make a giant paint bubble then blow it up, it will miraculously only cover the walls of the room while missing everything else.
** If you damage someone's personal property, don't worry about consequences; they'll just reverse the damage by rubbing saliva on it.
** It's perfectly fine to trick people into hurting themselves to attract customers to a restaurant.
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* "Karen for Spot": Someone leaves you instructions to care for their pet? Screw that. Feed them napkin dispensers.

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* "Karen for Spot": Someone leaves you instructions to care for their pet? Screw that. Feed them napkin dispensers.dispensers.
* "Krusty Towers":
** If you ever go into a hotel, it's perfectly fine to make ridiculous requests like having them bring the swimming pool into your room, carry you up the stairs into your room, and do a complete redesign of your room. They'll all be accepted without question.
** You should carry rocks around in suitcases all day.
** If you ever see someone hit a human-sized sack into the trunk of a car with a shovel, don't worry: It's just a bunch of laundry.
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** Your teenage daughter has every right to kick you out of your own house.

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** Your teenage daughter has every right to kick you out of your own house.house.
* "A Place for Pets": Always be with everybody's pets, no matter how unsanitary it is.
* "Goofy Scoopers":
** People who don't like what you like are wrong.
** No new music is ever good. Only old music and remixes of said old music are worthwhile.
* "There Will Be Grease": If you see a gross substance on the ground, take it home and rub it all over your body and use it for everything for days on end.
* "Sea-Man Sponge Haters Club": Blame all your problems on one person.
* "Upturn Girls": Being gross, harming people, and destroying expensive merchandise is fine because at least you're not ''boring''!
* "Captain Pipsqueak": Brand loyalty triumphs over all evil.
* "Plane to Sea": Someone rigged a contest to force you to take them on a vacation? Do it.
* "Squidferatu": Even if someone threatens you with an axe, it's only because they're trying to return your mail.
* "Wallhalla":
** It's okay to not give food to starving old men.
** Barge into people's houses and flush their mail down the toilet. It's fine.
* "Salty Sponge": Nothing adds to a cheery atmosphere like keeping pictures of a graveyard on the wall.
* "Arbor Day Disarray": Don't celebrate Arbor Day or a bunch of trees will harass your friends and destroy the town.
* "Ma and Pa's Big Hurrah":
** Nobody actually ever ''wants'' to have fun, no matter how many times they say it.
** Being an asshole to your parents is totally fine.
* "Karen for Spot": Someone leaves you instructions to care for their pet? Screw that. Feed them napkin dispensers.
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typos


** You should feel confident about writing a 800-word essay in 5 minutes.

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** You should feel confident about writing a an 800-word essay in 5 minutes.



* "Pre-Hibernation Week": Comfort zones exist for a reason. Anyone who wants to push you out of them only want you dead.

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* "Pre-Hibernation Week": Comfort zones exist for a reason. Anyone who wants to push you out of them only want wants you dead.

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* "Pat No Pay": It's ok to not pay for your food, it's not like you can get charges pressed against you.

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* "Pat No Pay": Pay":
**
It's ok to not pay for your food, it's not like you can get charges pressed against you.you.
** Hand soap is safe to eat, especially if it's mint-scented.



* "Something Smells": Bad breath means that you're ugly.

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* "Something Smells": Smells":
**
Bad breath means that you're ugly.ugly.
** Onions, ketchup, peanuts, and dirt make for a really good ice cream sundae.



* "Breath of a Fresh Squidward": It's only okay to be clingy if ''you'' are doing the clinging. If anyone does the same towards you, it's wrong and he deserves to be yelled at for doing something [[{{Hypocrite}} you do all the time.]]

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* "Breath of a Fresh Squidward": Squidward":
**
It's only okay to be clingy if ''you'' are doing the clinging. If anyone does the same towards you, it's wrong and he deserves to be yelled at for doing something [[{{Hypocrite}} you do all the time.]]]]
** It's okay to break into your neighbor's house to watch the sunrise in their bedroom.



* "The Idiot Box": If you decide to take part in whatever fun the youth are doing when they take a break to sleep, you and the fun will both go to the landfill.

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* "The Idiot Box": Box":
**
If you decide to take part in whatever fun the youth are doing when they take a break to sleep, you and the fun will both go to the landfill.landfill.
** If it's Christmas and you can't afford a present, just get your significant other a box.
** Boxing really ''is'' about boxes.



* The Movie: The best way to take down a fascist regime is with a sick guitar solo!

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** If it's sufficiently cold, you can use your nose drippings as a pair of chopsticks.
* The Movie: Movie:
**
The best way to take down a fascist regime is with a sick guitar solo!solo!
** The best evil plans are always lemon-scented.
** You can't fool someone who listens to public radio.



* "Selling Out": Your workplace's HR department is legally allowed to beat you to a pulp for not being happy.

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* "Selling Out": Out":
**
Your workplace's HR department is legally allowed to beat you to a pulp for not being happy.happy.
** Your teenage daughter has every right to kick you out of your own house.

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* "Nature Pants": Living close to nature will never work.

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* "Nature Pants": Living Pants":
**Living
close to nature will never work.work.
**Never choose LibertyOverProsperity.

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