History Series / TheDayToday

--->'''Chris Morris''': That's an incredible coincidence Alan, because last week Collaterlie Sisters, you were involved in a car crash in which you were the only survivor! Only because you landed in somebody's stomach.

-->'''Peter''': The tower I'm in is collapsing, I'm collapsing Chris, under the sheer ... wait, I've managed ... I'm out! I'm very ... run! I'm not there.

-->'''Chris Morris''': Peter, you're lying in a news grave, do you know what's written on your headstone?
-->'''Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan''': News.

-->'''Alan Partridge''': And I don't know what this man is playing at! No way! ''Surely'' the judges must come down like a ton of bricks on that. Carrying bikes on the top of a car is ''not'' a sportsmanlike way to run this race.

-->'''Reporter''': If this happened to you, would you know what to do? Your chances would be considerably improved if you made sure someone on the ground had one of these. It's a pocket shepherd, it costs just £59. A small price to pay for the gift of a functioning body that works properly.

-->'''Narrator''': This, is Britain, and everything's alright. Everything's alright. It's okay. It's ''fine''.

-->'''Harfynn Teuport''': During the stage version of the song, in the live show, he kills five people on the stage, during the stage show, live, as it's performed!

-->'''Beverley Smax''': If you mention the Church of England to most people, they immediately think of the sacraments and the holy blood of our Lord Jesus Christ. But to many within the Church, there is another ritual: the ritual of the Bullying Ritual.

-->'''Martin Craste:''' Very well. I-it's war.
-->'''Gavin Hautrey:''' War it is.
-->'''Donald Bethl'hem:''' ''(visibly shaken from explosions behind him)'' That's it, Chris! It's war! War has broken out! ''(audio cuts out momentarily)'' This is war!
-->'''Chris:''' ''(with a slight smirk on his face)'' That's it; yes, it's ''war!'' ''(a ScareChord, which also happens to be a DarkReprise of the show's musical {{Leitmotif}}, plays as the camera cuts to a wider view of the newsroom to reveal giant letters reading "WAR" in all caps illuminated in red)''

-->'''Alan Partridge''': When, when, when you, how do you ride a horse?

-->'''Chris''': Spartacus, this is huge history happening, isn't it?
-->'''Spartacus''': [[ShapedLikeItself It's bigger than that, Chris, it's large.]] I mean, if you've got a history book at home, take it out, throw it in the bin, it's '''worthless'''. The history books, now, will have to be rewritten.
-->'''Chris''': What will they say?
-->'''Spartacus''': They'll quite simply say "John Major punched the Queen". Everything else will be a footnote.
-->'''Chris''': We're pushed for time, can you sum it up in a word?
-->'''Spartacus''': No.
-->'''Chris''': A sound?
-->'''Spartacus''': ''Wooaaaaauuuuhh''.
-->'''Chris''': Spartacus, thank you.

-->'''Alan Partridge''': Thank goodness actually they're wearing gloves, because I've witnessed bare knuckle boxing in a barn in Somerset about three years ago, and it was a sorry sight to see men goading them on in such a barbaric fashion. And I'm rather ashamed to say I was party to that goading, two men fighting as I saw in the barn that night, naked as the day they were born and fighting the way God intended. Wrestling at points - I don't know if you've seen ''Women In Love'', that marvellous scene by the fire. It kind of resembled that.

--> '''Chris:''' Take her off the monitor, I don't want to see her face.

-->'''Chris Morris''': How '''dare''' you come on this programme and say ''"Hey look at me, I'm raising fifteen hundred pounds for the homeless"!?'' You could make more money sitting outside a tube station with your hat on the ground, even if you were twice as ugly as you are which is '''very''' ugly indeed!

-->'''Donald Bethl'hem''': Tension here is very high, Chris - the stretched twig of peace is at melting point. People here are literally bursting with war. This is very much a country that's going to blow up in its face.

-->'''Alan Partridge''': The proof is in the pudding, and the pudding, in this case, is a football.

--->'''Piper''': It's a good clean drop. There's the hanging! Well done...well done. They'll be pleased with that. And to play us out, we have Johnny Stoppard. Johnny, what are you gonna play for us tonight?\\
'''Stoppard''': "Fancy Lady".\\
'''Piper''': "Fancy Lady"...well, fancy that!

* NewAgeRetroHippie: Rosie May, [[GirlsWithMoustaches bearded]] host of the "Enviromation" segment, dresses like a cult member and usually claims to have a special link to nature in her sign-off (e.g. "my milk is green").

-->'''Barbara Wintergreen''': At this fallopian factory, people come for a credit card conception. The price includes labour and delivery, and there's a hefty surcharge, on the discharge.
-->'''Barbara Wintergreen''': Meanwhile, Baxter's fried-to-be is making the last minute preparations for her impending ending.

--->'''Alan Partridge''': This is Sportsdesk, I'm Alan Partridge. And it's a special desk of sport now, as we look back, on some of the sporting highlights, of the last sporting season. So lie down, relax, and let the sports commence!

-->'''Bobby Sky''': A young deacon was being inordinated, then during the inordination ceremony, we would hum during his sermon, so we would be going "Mmmmmmmmmmmm" and he would be trying to speak, not knowing who was humming.
-->'''Beverly Smax''': How many of you were humming?
-->'''Bobby Sky''': About two hundred of us.

---->'''Hennety''': I never thought I'd say this, but...pull down the blinds! ''I'm closing the bureau!'' For an hour.

---->'''Guy:''' Why did they do this to me? Just because I'm gay! I'm gay! I'm gay...
---->'''Hennety:''' WHAT!?
---->'''Maria:''' It's Guy, Mr. Hennety, he's been attacked!
---->'''Hennety:''' Yeah I know, what did you say?
---->'''Guy:''' ...I said I'm gay.
---->'''Hennety:''' ...You're fired!

---->'''Hennety:''' This is supposed to be a high-class bureau-de-change, not some two-bit Punch and Judy show on the seafront at Margate!
---->'''Guy:''' It's alright Mr. Hennety, it's okay now, it was just a little misunderstand-
---->'''Hennety:''' Shaaaat it!

---->'''Hennety:''' I'm trying to run a high-class bureau-de-change, not some two-bit nipple peep show in Rio de Janeiro!

---->'''Hennety:''' Maria! Mariaaa-aa-aa-aa!

---->'''Alex''': Me too, and I don't even work here!

-->'''Chris Morris''': This is huge history happening, isn't it?
-->'''Spartacus Mills''': Oh it's bigger than that Chris, it's large!

-->'''Collaterlie Sisters''': On now to the money markets, and the international finance arse. And there you can see that the U.S. and Japanese cheeks started off with a gap of 2.4, but increased trading forced the two together to form a unified arse at around lunchtime, which held for the rest of the day. In summary then-- [calmly] Oh NO. ... Chris?

* DistractedByTheSexy: Alan Partridge interviews an attractive showjumper in their changing room and they behave as though they're not on camera, even casually taking off their bra while discussing their own performance. Alan ''is'' paying attention, but...not to what they're actually saying.

* DistractedByTheSexy: Alan Partridge interviews an attractive female showjumper in her changing room and she behaves as though she isn't on camera, even casually taking off her bra while discussing her own performance. Alan ''is'' paying attention, but...not to what she's actually saying.

* FelonyMisdemeanor: Type 3, when UK prime minister John Major and Queen Elizabeth 2 have a fight. Chris summons Crisis Correspondent Spartacus Mills (Steve Coogan):

-->'''Chris:''' ''(with a slight smirk on his face)'' That's it; yes, it's ''war!'' ''(a ScareChord, which also happens to be a DarkReprise of the show's musical {{Leitmotif}} plays as the camera cuts to a wider view of the newsroom to reveal giant letters reading "WAR" in all caps illuminated in red)''

-->'''Chris:''' ''(with a slight smirk on his face)'' That's it; yes, it's ''war!'' ''(a ScareChord plays as the camera cuts to a wider view of the newsroom to reveal giant letters reading "WAR" in all caps illuminated in red)''

-->'''Chris:''' ''(with a slight smirk on his face)'' That's it; yes, it's ''war!''

-->'''Martin Craste:''' Very well, then. It's war.

-->'''Chris:''' ''(with a slight smirk on his face)'' That's it; yes, it's war!

** Once Chris starts to coerce Australia and Hong Kong into declaring war against each other, the word "war" is dropped almost every second.

** Once Chris starts to coerce Australia and Hong Kong into declaring war against each other, the word "war" is dropped almost every 5 seconds.

-->'''Donald Bethl'hem:''' ''(visibly shaken from explosions behind him)'' That's it, Chris! It's war! War has broken out! ''(audio cuts out momentarily)''

-->'''Chris:'' ''(with a slight smirk on his face)'' That's it; yes, it's war!

* BackseatDriver: Alan Partridge, in the bit where he's being driven around a course by rally driver Susie Herper (Rebecca Front), with a big helping of patronising male chauvinism. Her driving soon reduces him to pants-wetting terror.

* CatchPhrase: Alan's forced, wooden and utterly unconvincing "I'm Alan Partridge!" which of course went onto become the title of his own spin-off show.

* SurprisinglyGoodForeignLanguage: Chris is apparently fluent in German, and uses it to catch Peter in a lie by proving he didn't speak to the German finance minister in German because he doesn't know German, forcing Peter to admit he never spoke to the German finance minister.

** In the clips from the 1953 BBC televised live hanging, the host Condublasney (pronounced "Corin") Piper goes from a serious reporter tone as they prepare for the hanging, to a more casual sports announcer-type tone once the hanging happens, then closes things out in the manner of a convivial variety show host.

* AsLongAsItSoundsForeign: [[BadLiar Peter O'Hanraha-Hanrahan]] is forced into this when asked about the details of a conversation he supposedly had with a German finance minister in his native language. ("Ich nichten lichten...")

* MoodSwinger: Chris Morris in particular is very capricious, going from genial to vicious, to gentle to casual in the space of a single interview with Janet Breen and in one radio episode, he has a mood swing and randomly cancels the news, [[{{Cloudcuckoolander}} deciding instead to phone a news agent as though they're a curry house and just have them read out the headlines and for local news, describe what's going on in the shop]].

* SoundToScreenAdaptation: First began as ''On the Hour'' on BBC Radio Four.

* ShoutOut: Gratuitously offensive sitcom ''[[ShowWithinAShow Them Next Door]]'' is a clear homage to ''Series/LoveThyNeighbour'' with the rampant racism turned up to eleven.

* AsLongAsItSoundsForeign: [[BadLiar Peter O'Hanraha-Hanrahan]] is forced into this when asked about the details of a conversation he supposedly had with a German finance minister in his native language.

* InherentlyFunnyWords: The UK crisis propaganda video, which showcases the quintessentially British towns of Wabznasm and Manford Thirty-Sixborough.

* BreakoutCharacter: Alan Partridge.

** TakeThisJobAndShoveit: The staff walk out after Hennety pisses them off once too many times.

While the subjects of the stories were absurd, the methods used to tell them were dead-on parodies of British news tropes at the time, from nonsensical graphs and pointless computer animations to newscasters creating tortuous metaphors and wordplay to add credibility to their stories. It still holds up surprisingly well today, partly because they had five months to create six episodes and so could really go overboard on creating pompous and overlong computer animations for the most trivial of reasons, which years later ''real'' news programmes would begin do every day as computer power increased.

--> '''Chris:''' ''Take her off the monitor, I don't want to see her face.''

* TimeDilation: In the "War" episode, reporter Susanna Gekkaloys runs out of the studio to go and report "from the interior of the fight" and a few minutes later she's already filed her first report about an entire day of events on the battlefield. Also, even though war is declared live on an evening news programme, Donald Bethl'hem reports that one side claimed victory on the morning of the same day.