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* BlackComedy: When Violet indicates the numerous urns containing the ashes of dead dogs to Ash, Freddie implies that his and Stuart's previous dogs all got run over by numerous buses.



* TransparentCloset: Despite his [[CampGay mannerisms]] and living with Freddie for 48 years, Stuart has yet t come out to his mother, and she doesn't suspect that he is gay.
* TryingNotToCry: Stuart, when Freddie upsets him on two separate occasions. He doesn't quite manage it.

to:

* TransparentCloset: Despite his [[CampGay mannerisms]] and living with Freddie for 48 years, Stuart has yet t to come out to his mother, and she doesn't suspect that he is gay.
* TryingNotToCry: Stuart, when Freddie upsets him on two separate occasions. He doesn't quite manage it.

Added DiffLines:

In the first episode of Vicious, Stuart's mother informs him that their old friend, Clive, is dead. They decide to hold a wake after the funeral, but things get shook up when they meet the young man moving into the flat upstairs. Ash comes along to the wake, and witnesses just how vicious Freddie and Stuart can be to each other. But he finds out that their friends Violet, Penelope and Mason, are not bothered about the arguments any more. Also, Freddie and Stuart become interested in Ash's sexuality, and try to find out if he is gay or straight.


Added DiffLines:


!!This episode contains examples of the following tropes:
*DirtyOldMan: Freddie and Stuart when they first meet Ash.
*DirtyOldWoman: Violet, when harassing Ash.
-->'''Ash''': You're hand is really high up on my thigh.
-->'''Violet''': Is it.
*MistakenForGay: Ash, when Freddie constantly harasses him about his sexual orientation. It turns out that he is [[spoiler: straight]].
**Subverted in this exchange when they are discussing Ash:
--->'''Freddie''': Do you suppose he's "family"?
--->'''Stuart''': Oh, God. It's so tricky to tell now. I thought Graham Norton was straight.
*TransparentCloset: Despite his [[CampGay mannerisms]] and living with Freddie for 48 years, Stuart has yet t come out to his mother, and she doesn't suspect that he is gay.
*TryingNotToCry: Stuart, when Freddie upsets him on two separate occasions. He doesn't quite manage it.


'''Ash''': Were you good friends?
'''Freddie''': We were, a long time ago. Do you know, why don't I read out one of Clive's old letters? Wouldn't that be lovely?
'''Stuart''': Not unless you read it in another room.
'''Violet''': Ash, would you prefer to sit on my lap? I have very strong bones.
'''Freddie''': Ah, here's one that hasn't been opened. "My one and only I can't imagine my life without you. What a kind, generous man you are. If I only knew you felt the same, I would leave everything behind to start a new with you. Just say yes. Always, Clive."
'''Ash''': He really loved you.
'''Violet''': No, he didn't.
'''Freddie''': What are you talking about? And you have lipstick all over your teeth.
'''Violet''': Look at the envelope. It's addressed to Stuart!
'''Freddie''': Stuart?! My God!
'''Penelope''': Oh, I dozed off again. What did I miss?
'''Freddie''': That is preposterous! Why would he have been interested in Stuart?
'''Stuart'': He says it right here! Because I was kind and generous and handsome!
'''Freddie''': It says kind and generous. You added handsome!
'''Stuart''': I don't understand. I never even received this letter.
'''Freddie''': It must have got mixed in with all my fan mail.
'''Stuart''': You have one fan.
'''Freddie''': Who writes a lot of letters! Well, it doesn't matter now anyway.That was 50 years ago.
'''Stuart''': I could have had a completely different life if I'd seen the letter.Not this hell I've been trapped in!
'''Freddie''': You've been in hell? I've provided you with everything you could ever want since the moment we met. You were pulling pints in a pub!
'''Stuart''': I was the manager! (Puts his hand on his hip )And I was going to be a model.
'''Freddie''': You were never going to be a model!
'''Stuart''': No. Not with you sucking the life out of me! I aged five years just sharing a taxi with you that night!
'''Freddie''': Is that why you look a thousand? You're practically melting onto the rug!
'''Stuart''': Ouch!
'''Ash''': Should I go?
'''Freddie''': Why? Don't be ridiculous.
'''Stuart''': Of course not.
'''Violet''': It's all right, darling. Sit.
'''Ash''': Um your hand is really high up on my thigh.
'''Violet''': Is it? Well, I don't see what the problem is. It's not as if Clive was any great prize. He had children, he was married.
'''Penelope''': Wasn't there a second wife, too?
'''Freddie''': Ash, why don't you pour yourself a cup of tea instead of sitting there like a statue.
'''Ash''': I'm sorry. I'm not quite sure how to behave.
'''Freddie''': Have you never been a guest before? You must engage in the conversation.
'''Stuart''': Maybe he's shy.
'''Violet''': Are you shy, darling, is that it? Because you are behaving oddly.
'''Ash''': (Picks up the teapot) It's empty.
'''Stuart''': There's a fresh pot in the kitchen, I'll get it.
'''Ash''': No, I'll get it. (Leaves the room)
'''Freddie''': Is it something we're doing? Is it us?
'''Stuart''': No, it's definitely him.
'''Mason''': They have no manners nowadays.
'''Freddie''': Exactly.
'''Stuart''': Interact. Ask questions.
'''Penelope''': Well, Chinese people are very quiet.
'''Stuart''': He's not Chinese!
'''Ash''': (Enters)I think there's something wrong with your dog.
'''Stuart''': Balthazar? Why? What's he doing?
'''Ash''': He's just lying there. I think he's unconscious.
'''Stuart''': Oh, no, he's only sleeping.
'''Ash''': I stepped on him and he didn't move.
'''Stuart''': He's 20, you see.
'''Mason''': And yet still younger than the biscuits.
'''Ash''': I didn't think dogs lived that long.
'''Violet''': He's more of a doorstopper at this point. You see, you would never have had Balthazar had you been with Clive instead of Freddie. Or any of the others. (Gestures to the mantelpiece, where several jars of ashes are displayed).
'''Ash''': That's a lot of dogs.
'''Freddie''': We went through several very quickly. This used to be a bus route.
'''Stuart''': I just wish I could've had the chance to have known what that life could have been.
'''Freddie''':Do you really think you would have had a better life without me?
'''Stuart''': Yes! I could have been happy and successful, instead of being stuck with you in this penitentiary.
'''Freddie''':Do you think I've been happy? With you simpering around this flat, pouring your blandness onto every surface. I don't know what would be preferable at this point, if you woke up dead or I did!
'''Stuart''': I know which I'd prefer!
'''Freddie''': I'll tell you what would've happened to you. (Wigan accent) You would've ended up the same worthless prat you are today!
'''Stuart''': Your accent just came out! Hey! His accent just came out! You all heard it!
'''Freddie''': It most certainly didn't! And at least I'm not from Leytonstone!
'''Stuart''': Wigan's worse!
'''Ash''': I'm from Wigan!
'''Violet''': This is not the time to contribute, darling.
'''Stuart''': What exactly have you done with your life? Bit parts in rep and one episode of Dr Who? What an illustrious career to look back on!
'''Freddie''': At least I've had a career. And I'm still at it. I'm still working! You've had nothing. You've done nothing!
'''Stuart''': (Crying) I think I hear the dog. (Leaves the room)
'''Mason''': Is this over yet then, Freddie?
'''Freddie''': No. It is not.
'''Violet''': Clive would have loved this. I think. I'm not sure, really. What actually is this?
'''Freddie''': I also killed a prostitute on Coronation Street. Among others.
'''Penelope''': Other prostitutes?
'''Freddie''': Other shows. You're becoming very annoying.
'''Ash''': Is he going to be all right?
'''Freddie''': Stuart? Of course. You know what it can be like with certain "friends".
'''Ash''': I guess.
'''Freddie''': Do you have a very close friend, Ash?
'''Ash''':Not now, no.
'''Freddie''': I see. But in the past, you have been in a relationship with another person?
'''Ash''': I have. But I've never been in love.
'''Freddie''': Ah. You're young. You'll meet that special someone.
'''Ash''': I suppose. I should really go. Please tell Stuart I said thank you.
'''Freddie''': Of course. And I hope you've had fun. And maybe learned a little bit about social graces as well.
'''Penelope''': Has he been here this whole time?
'''Ash''': Oh, and by the way I'm straight. (Shuts the door and leaves).
'''Freddie''': Well, that came out of nowhere.

to:

'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': Were you good friends?
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': We were, a long time ago. Do you know, why don't I read out one of Clive's old letters? Wouldn't that be lovely?
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Not unless you read it in another room.
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': Ash, would you prefer to sit on my lap? I have very strong bones.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Ah, here's one that hasn't been opened. "My one and only I can't imagine my life without you. What a kind, generous man you are. If I only knew you felt the same, I would leave everything behind to start a new with you. Just say yes. Always, Clive."
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': He really loved you.
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': No, he didn't.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': What are you talking about? And you have lipstick all over your teeth.
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': Look at the envelope. It's addressed to Stuart!
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Stuart?! My God!
'''Penelope''': ->'''Penelope''': Oh, I dozed off again. What did I miss?
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': That is preposterous! Why would he have been interested in Stuart?
'''Stuart'': ->'''Stuart'': He says it right here! Because I was kind and generous and handsome!
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': It says kind and generous. You added handsome!
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': I don't understand. I never even received this letter.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': It must have got mixed in with all my fan mail.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': You have one fan.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Who writes a lot of letters! Well, it doesn't matter now anyway.That was 50 years ago.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': I could have had a completely different life if I'd seen the letter.Not this hell I've been trapped in!
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': You've been in hell? I've provided you with everything you could ever want since the moment we met. You were pulling pints in a pub!
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': I was the manager! (Puts his hand on his hip )And I was going to be a model.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': You were never going to be a model!
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': No. Not with you sucking the life out of me! I aged five years just sharing a taxi with you that night!
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Is that why you look a thousand? You're practically melting onto the rug!
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Ouch!
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': Should I go?
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Why? Don't be ridiculous.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Of course not.
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': It's all right, darling. Sit.
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': Um your hand is really high up on my thigh.
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': Is it? Well, I don't see what the problem is. It's not as if Clive was any great prize. He had children, he was married.
'''Penelope''': ->'''Penelope''': Wasn't there a second wife, too?
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Ash, why don't you pour yourself a cup of tea instead of sitting there like a statue.
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': I'm sorry. I'm not quite sure how to behave.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Have you never been a guest before? You must engage in the conversation.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Maybe he's shy.
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': Are you shy, darling, is that it? Because you are behaving oddly.
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': (Picks up the teapot) It's empty.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': There's a fresh pot in the kitchen, I'll get it.
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': No, I'll get it. (Leaves the room)
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Is it something we're doing? Is it us?
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': No, it's definitely him.
'''Mason''': ->'''Mason''': They have no manners nowadays.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Exactly.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Interact. Ask questions.
'''Penelope''': ->'''Penelope''': Well, Chinese people are very quiet.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': He's not Chinese!
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': (Enters)I think there's something wrong with your dog.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Balthazar? Why? What's he doing?
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': He's just lying there. I think he's unconscious.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Oh, no, he's only sleeping.
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': I stepped on him and he didn't move.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': He's 20, you see.
'''Mason''': ->'''Mason''': And yet still younger than the biscuits.
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': I didn't think dogs lived that long.
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': He's more of a doorstopper at this point. You see, you would never have had Balthazar had you been with Clive instead of Freddie. Or any of the others. (Gestures to the mantelpiece, where several jars of ashes are displayed).
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': That's a lot of dogs.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': We went through several very quickly. This used to be a bus route.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': I just wish I could've had the chance to have known what that life could have been.
'''Freddie''':Do ->'''Freddie''':Do you really think you would have had a better life without me?
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Yes! I could have been happy and successful, instead of being stuck with you in this penitentiary.
'''Freddie''':Do ->'''Freddie''':Do you think I've been happy? With you simpering around this flat, pouring your blandness onto every surface. I don't know what would be preferable at this point, if you woke up dead or I did!
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': I know which I'd prefer!
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': I'll tell you what would've happened to you. (Wigan accent) You would've ended up the same worthless prat you are today!
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Your accent just came out! Hey! His accent just came out! You all heard it!
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': It most certainly didn't! And at least I'm not from Leytonstone!
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Wigan's worse!
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': I'm from Wigan!
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': This is not the time to contribute, darling.
'''Stuart''':
darling.
->'''Stuart''':
What exactly have you done with your life? Bit parts in rep and one episode of Dr Who? What an illustrious career to look back on!
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': At least I've had a career. And I'm still at it. I'm still working! You've had nothing. You've done nothing!
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': (Crying) I think I hear the dog. (Leaves the room)
'''Mason''': ->'''Mason''': Is this over yet then, Freddie?
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': No. It is not.
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': Clive would have loved this. I think. I'm not sure, really. What actually is this?
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': I also killed a prostitute on Coronation Street. Among others.
'''Penelope''': ->'''Penelope''': Other prostitutes?
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Other shows. You're becoming very annoying.
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': Is he going to be all right?
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Stuart? Of course. You know what it can be like with certain "friends".
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': I guess.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Do you have a very close friend, Ash?
'''Ash''':Not ->'''Ash''':Not now, no.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': I see. But in the past, you have been in a relationship with another person?
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': I have. But I've never been in love.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Ah. You're young. You'll meet that special someone.
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': I suppose. I should really go. Please tell Stuart I said thank you.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Of course. And I hope you've had fun. And maybe learned a little bit about social graces as well.
'''Penelope''': ->'''Penelope''': Has he been here this whole time?
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': Oh, and by the way I'm straight. (Shuts the door and leaves).
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Well, that came out of nowhere.



'''Freddie''': You're up late. I was just going to pour myself a drink. Care for one? Fine, don't answer. I prefer it.
'''Stuart''': You behaved abominably today!
'''Freddie''': She speaks! Don't let's do this now. I'm so tired. Entertaining is exhausting.
'''Stuart''': I suppose I'm not tired because I do nothing. I did nothing. I am nothing. (Voice breaks).
'''Freddie''': You're still going on about that? Will you forget about it, please?
'''Stuart''': I can never forget it. You said some very hurtful things which you can never take back. I don't see how we can ever get over this.
'''Freddie''': Stuart, I'm sorry.
'''Stuart''': Oh, that's all right.
'''Freddie''': Oh, what on earth?! Is that someone calling? This lunacy!
'''Stuart''': (Answers the phone) Hello? Oh, hello, Mother. Yes, I'm still awake.I'm here with my flatmate.
'''Freddie''': Oh, for Christ's sake, Stuart.
'''Stuart''': He says, "Hello, Mrs Bixby." Oh, my God.Oh, how dreadful! When? Poor Oliver! (To Freddie) Another one.
'''Freddie''': Shit!

to:

'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': You're up late. I was just going to pour myself a drink. Care for one? Fine, don't answer. I prefer it.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': You behaved abominably today!
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': She speaks! Don't let's do this now. I'm so tired. Entertaining is exhausting.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': I suppose I'm not tired because I do nothing. I did nothing. I am nothing. (Voice breaks).
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': You're still going on about that? Will you forget about it, please?
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': I can never forget it. You said some very hurtful things which you can never take back. I don't see how we can ever get over this.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Stuart, I'm sorry.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Oh, that's all right.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Oh, what on earth?! Is that someone calling? This lunacy!
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': (Answers the phone) Hello? Oh, hello, Mother. Yes, I'm still awake.I'm here with my flatmate.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Oh, for Christ's sake, Stuart.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': He says, "Hello, Mrs Bixby." Oh, my God.Oh, how dreadful! When? Poor Oliver! (To Freddie) Another one.
'''Freddie''': Shit! ->'''Freddie''': Shit!
[[/folder]]


'''Freddie''': Bollocks.
'''Stuart''': I was thinking perhaps we should host a small gathering here tomorrow. Just our little circle.
'''Violet''': That will be lovely. I can't believe he's gone. Dear, sweet Clive. Did you hear about the foot?
'''Stuart''': Yes. Unfortunate.
'''Violet: Oh, damn, I wanted to tell you. Poor Freddie, you were quite close, back in the day.
'''Freddie''': Well, Clive was very much smitten with me, that is true. Obsessed, really. I was young, handsome, famous.
'''Stuart''': You were barely one of those things.
'''Violet''': I'm just going to use the loo before I go out. There has to be somebody who hasn't heard about that foot.
'''Stuart''': Oh! He's still in there!
'''Violet''': Who's still in there?
'''Freddie''': The young man who came to see about the flat upstairs. He's been ages. Go and see what's going on.
'''Stuart''': No, no, I don't want to disturb him. It's very rude to disturb attractive people.
'''Freddie''': Well, we can't leave him in there all day.
'''Violet''': You let a complete stranger use your loo? What if he comes out and rapes me?
'''Freddie''': Let's cross that bridge when we come to it, shall we?
'''Stuart''': (Calls through the door) Everything all right in there, Ash?
'''Freddie''': Well, we tried.
'''Violet''': So that's it, then?
'''Freddie''': I don't see what else we can do. Try calling him again.
'''Stuart''': No, you try.
'''Violet''': Somebody do something. 'm so frightened I'm going to be raped.
'''Freddie''': Oh, for God's sake, Violet, nobody wants to rape you.
'''Violet''': What an awful thing to say.
'''Freddie''': Thanks very much.
'''Violet''': Of course.
(Ash comes out of the toilet)
'''Stuart''': Everything all right?
'''Ash''': Yeah, sorry. Had to make a call.
'''Freddie''': Ah. A call to your?
'''Ash''': Mate.
'''Freddie''': I see. A close mate?
'''Ash''': I guess.
'''Freddie''': I see. And is this your special mate?
'''Ash''': Er, dunno. I should probably go and see that flat now.
'''Violet''': Has anybody ever said you remind them of Zac Efron? (To Stuart) That's a person, right? Or is it a place?
'''Stuart''': This is our friend Violet, Ash.
'''Freddie''': Yes, she's our friend and Stuart here is my "friend".
'''Ash''': Uh OK.
'''Violet''': Haven't I seen you in my yoga class? I go to yoga. I'm great fun.
'''Ash''': I don't think so.
'''Violet''': Well, I'm certain I know you. Have you ever been to Zac Efron? (To Stuart) I'm covered either way now.
'''Ash''': I should probably go. It was nice meeting you all.
'''Freddie''': And good luck with the flat. I do hope we become neighbours. And you can bring round here anybody you like. Boys, girls, whichever you prefer.
'''Ash''': Thanks. (Ash leaves)
'''Stuart''': Nicely done, Miss Marple! I only hope his flesh didn't rot off where you touched him.
'''Freddie''': I'm surprised you could see it through the milky film that coats your cataracts.
'''Stuart: (Voice high pitched and shaky) I'm going to make another pot of tea. (Sobs, leaving the room.)
'''Freddie: (To Violet) I never know when I'm going too far, but I'm always so glad when I do.

to:

'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Bollocks.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': I was thinking perhaps we should host a small gathering here tomorrow. Just our little circle.
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': That will be lovely. I can't believe he's gone. Dear, sweet Clive. Did you hear about the foot?
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Yes. Unfortunate.
'''Violet: ->'''Violet: Oh, damn, I wanted to tell you. Poor Freddie, you were quite close, back in the day.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Well, Clive was very much smitten with me, that is true. Obsessed, really. I was young, handsome, famous.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': You were barely one of those things.
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': I'm just going to use the loo before I go out. There has to be somebody who hasn't heard about that foot.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Oh! He's still in there!
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': Who's still in there?
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': The young man who came to see about the flat upstairs. He's been ages. Go and see what's going on.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': No, no, I don't want to disturb him. It's very rude to disturb attractive people.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Well, we can't leave him in there all day.
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': You let a complete stranger use your loo? What if he comes out and rapes me?
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Let's cross that bridge when we come to it, shall we?
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': (Calls through the door) Everything all right in there, Ash?
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Well, we tried.
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': So that's it, then?
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': I don't see what else we can do. Try calling him again.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': No, you try.
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': Somebody do something. 'm so frightened I'm going to be raped.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Oh, for God's sake, Violet, nobody wants to rape you.
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': What an awful thing to say.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Thanks very much.
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': Of course.
(Ash ->(Ash comes out of the toilet)
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Everything all right?
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': Yeah, sorry. Had to make a call.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Ah. A call to your?
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': Mate.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': I see. A close mate?
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': I guess.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': I see. And is this your special mate?
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': Er, dunno. I should probably go and see that flat now.
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': Has anybody ever said you remind them of Zac Efron? (To Stuart) That's a person, right? Or is it a place?
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': This is our friend Violet, Ash.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Yes, she's our friend and Stuart here is my "friend".
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': Uh OK.
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': Haven't I seen you in my yoga class? I go to yoga. I'm great fun.
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': I don't think so.
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': Well, I'm certain I know you. Have you ever been to Zac Efron? (To Stuart) I'm ->I'm covered either way now.
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': I should probably go. It was nice meeting you all.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': And good luck with the flat. I do hope we become neighbours. And you can bring round here anybody you like. Boys, girls, whichever you prefer.
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': Thanks. (Ash leaves)
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Nicely done, Miss Marple! I only hope his flesh didn't rot off where you touched him.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': I'm surprised you could see it through the milky film that coats your cataracts.
'''Stuart: ->'''Stuart: (Voice high pitched and shaky) I'm going to make another pot of tea. (Sobs, leaving the room.)
'''Freddie: ->'''Freddie: (To Violet) I never know when I'm going too far, but I'm always so glad when I do.



'''Freddie''': Your mother looked well for someone who doesn't have a heartbeat. She always rallies for a funeral.
'''Stuart''': Do you know, Freddie, as grotesque a thought as it is, you might have been the love of Clive's life.
'''Freddie''': I do believe I was. It's sad that it took the passing of a dear friend to make me realise how special I am.
'''Stuart''': Are you wearing mascara?
'''Freddie''': No.
'''Stuart''': Well, I must prepare for our guests. I want everything to be perfect. I bought two sandwiches that I can cut up into sixteenths. That should do it.
'''Freddie''': Oh, that is it! We are disconnecting this bell! (Opens the door)Oh, hello. (Calling to Stuart) It's Ash! (To Ash) You'll tell me if I'm ever pronouncing that wrong.
'''Ash''': I hope I'm not bothering you.
'''Freddie''': Bothering us? We should give you a key.
'''Ash''': I was just stopping by to let you know I got the upstairs flat.
'''Freddie''': Oh, goody!
'''Ash''': In fact, I'm moving in today.
'''Freddie''': Oh, marvellous. Stuart, my friend, will be so pleased. You remember him?Shrunken, old gnome?
'''Ash''': Great. I love spending time with OAPs.
'''Freddie''': No, I'm not one. He is. Not me. Sometimes I pretend to be, in order to get concessions at the cinema, but they don't usually believe me. Would you excuse me a moment? And do not look at my awards while I'm in the other room. I'd be very embarrassed. They're over there. (Leaves the room).
(Ash goes over to Freddie awards and pulls on a cord. The large curtains open)
(Freddie and Stuart enter.)
'''Freddie''': We're both very excited.
'''Stuart''': Freddie tells me the good news.
(They see the open curtains.)
'''Freddie''': Close those curtains!
'''Stuart''': The light! The light!
(They run out of the room, returning after Ash has closed the curtains.)
'''Stuart''': Freddie tells me the good news! You must join us for tea.
'''Ash''': Thanks. So, you never use the huge window?
'''Freddie''': No. We also don't go around pulling cords in other people's flats. Go on. (Waves his hand at Ash.) We're done with you for now.

to:

'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Your mother looked well for someone who doesn't have a heartbeat. She always rallies for a funeral.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Do you know, Freddie, as grotesque a thought as it is, you might have been the love of Clive's life.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': I do believe I was. It's sad that it took the passing of a dear friend to make me realise how special I am.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Are you wearing mascara?
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': No.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Well, I must prepare for our guests. I want everything to be perfect. I bought two sandwiches that I can cut up into sixteenths. That should do it.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Oh, that is it! We are disconnecting this bell! (Opens the door)Oh, hello. (Calling to Stuart) It's Ash! (To Ash) You'll tell me if I'm ever pronouncing that wrong.
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': I hope I'm not bothering you.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Bothering us? We should give you a key.
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': I was just stopping by to let you know I got the upstairs flat.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Oh, goody!
'''Ash''':
goody!
->'''Ash''':
In fact, I'm moving in today.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Oh, marvellous. Stuart, my friend, will be so pleased. You remember him?Shrunken, old gnome?
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': Great. I love spending time with OAPs.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': No, I'm not one. He is. Not me. Sometimes I pretend to be, in order to get concessions at the cinema, but they don't usually believe me. Would you excuse me a moment? And do not look at my awards while I'm in the other room. I'd be very embarrassed. They're over there. (Leaves the room).
(Ash ->(Ash goes over to Freddie awards and pulls on a cord. The large curtains open)
(Freddie ->(Freddie and Stuart enter.)
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': We're both very excited.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Freddie tells me the good news.
(They ->(They see the open curtains.)
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Close those curtains!
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': The light! The light!
(They ->(They run out of the room, returning after Ash has closed the curtains.)
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Freddie tells me the good news! You must join us for tea.
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': Thanks. So, you never use the huge window?
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': No. We also don't go around pulling cords in other people's flats. Go on. (Waves ->(Waves his hand at Ash.) We're done with you for now.



'''Freddie''': Clive was smitten with me that entire summer. We had magical weather, it only rained 60 days. I was on tour with erm Shakespeare, I believe.
'''Stuart''': That's right, the two of you were old school chums.
'''Freddie''': You must forgive Stuart. He was never loved as a child. Or as an adult.
'''Stuart''': Egg and cress sandwich, Mason?
'''Mason''': Is that what that is? I thought it was a crumb surrounded by a toothpick.
'''Stuart''': Perhaps you'd like some of what you brought? I could always cut you a slice of nothing. (To Penelope, who is vacant) Penelope? Penelope?
'''Violet''': One more time, darling.
'''Stuart''': (Shouts) Penelope?!
'''Penelope''': Oh, I'm sorry. I was sleeping.
'''Freddie''': Sleeping? Your eyes were wide open.
'''Penelope''': Oh. That's troubling.
'''Violet''': Oh, I'm going to miss Clive. I do believe you broke his heart, Freddie.
'''Freddie''': Thank you. I still have some of the old letters that Clive wrote to me.
'''Violet''': Oh, I have some of my old letters that were written to me
'''Freddie''': We're not talking about your life now! I always thought Clive was so dashing.
Every young man wanted to be seen on the arm of Clive St. Claire, the most eligible bachelor in London.
'''Penelope''': I seem to remember a wife. Wasn't there a wife at some point?
'''Stuart''': Oh, that was ages ago, and it was only for 19 years. No, Clive was a true man's man. Independent, free as a bird.
'''Penelope''': And children. Weren't there children?
'''Stuart''': Yes, six. Are you through interrupting or shall I hand you a microphone?
'''Penelope''': Oh, what's happening? What is that?
'''Stuart''':That must be our new neighbour.
'''Violet''': The boy from the toilet? The one who was flirting with me shamelessly?
'''Freddie''': No, this is a person who exists.
'''Violet''': Did you find out if he's?
'''Freddie''': No, he's being very cagey.
(Stuart answers the door; Ash enters).
'''Ash''': Hi. I hope you like cakes.
'''Stuart''': Oh, look, somebody brought something. You must meet our friends. This is Penelope and that is Mason. And you remember our friend Violet.
'''Violet''': From Zac Efron, remember?
'''Ah''': You're all dressed in black. Is is everything all right?
'''Stuart''': Oh, didn't we tell you? This is more of a tea/wake.
'''Ash''': Oh, I'm sorry. Who died?
'''Freddie''': A good friend of mine. He was very dear to all of us.
'''Stuart''': Can I get anybody another sandwich?
'''Mason''': Yes, I'd like ten more, please. I'm hoping to smush them all together to create a bite.

to:

'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Clive was smitten with me that entire summer. We had magical weather, it only rained 60 days. I was on tour with erm Shakespeare, I believe.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': That's right, the two of you were old school chums.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': You must forgive Stuart. He was never loved as a child. Or as an adult.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Egg and cress sandwich, Mason?
'''Mason''': ->'''Mason''': Is that what that is? I thought it was a crumb surrounded by a toothpick.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Perhaps you'd like some of what you brought? I could always cut you a slice of nothing. (To Penelope, who is vacant) Penelope? Penelope?
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': One more time, darling.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': (Shouts) Penelope?!
'''Penelope''': ->'''Penelope''': Oh, I'm sorry. I was sleeping.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Sleeping? Your eyes were wide open.
'''Penelope''': ->'''Penelope''': Oh. That's troubling.
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': Oh, I'm going to miss Clive. I do believe you broke his heart, Freddie.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Thank you. I still have some of the old letters that Clive wrote to me.
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': Oh, I have some of my old letters that were written to me
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': We're not talking about your life now! I always thought Clive was so dashing.
dashing. Every young man wanted to be seen on the arm of Clive St. Claire, the most eligible bachelor in London.
'''Penelope''': ->'''Penelope''': I seem to remember a wife. Wasn't there a wife at some point?
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Oh, that was ages ago, and it was only for 19 years. No, Clive was a true man's man. Independent, free as a bird.
'''Penelope''': ->'''Penelope''': And children. Weren't there children?
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Yes, six. Are you through interrupting or shall I hand you a microphone?
'''Penelope''': -> (Knock at the door).
->'''Penelope''':
Oh, what's happening? What is that?
'''Stuart''':That ->'''Stuart''':That must be our new neighbour.
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': The boy from the toilet? The one who was flirting with me shamelessly?
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': No, this is a person who exists.
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': Did you find out if he's?
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': No, he's being very cagey.
(Stuart ->(Stuart answers the door; Ash enters).
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': Hi. I hope you like cakes.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Oh, look, somebody brought something. You must meet our friends. This is Penelope and that is Mason. And you remember our friend Violet.
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': From Zac Efron, remember?
'''Ah''': ->'''Ah''': You're all dressed in black. Is is everything all right?
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Oh, didn't we tell you? This is more of a tea/wake.
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': Oh, I'm sorry. Who died?
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': A good friend of mine. He was very dear to all of us.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Can I get anybody another sandwich?
'''Mason''': ->'''Mason''': Yes, I'd like ten more, please. I'm hoping to smush them all together to create a bite.


'''Stuart''': Oh, my God! Oh, how dreadful! Poor Clive. At least he didn't suffer. (Pause) Oh, he did. Oh, my. That much? (Pause) Oh, well, I prefer to remember him as I last saw him.
Being fed apple sauce by a Jamaican woman. Well, it's a reminder that we should spend as much time as possible with those we hold dear while we're able. Anyway, thank you for calling, Mother.
'''Freddie''': (At the top of the stairs)For a moment, I thought those high-pitched, piercing shrieks were coming from a gaggle of schoolgirls. But now I see it's just you. I shan't be able to return to sleep now, thanks muchly.
'''Stuart''': Who do you think you are? The Earl of Grantham? You're from Wigan.
'''Freddie''': It's better than being from Leytonstone.
'''Stuart''': How dare you? I've been to Oxford.
'''Freddie''': Yes, for lunch. Who were you squawking at on the phone just now?
'''Stuart''': My mother, if you must know.
'''Freddie''': Was she calling to tell you when she'd be dying?
'''Stuart''': She was very distraught.
'''Freddie''': Why? Did you finally tell her about us?
'''Stuart''': I'm waiting for the right time.
'''Freddie''': It's been 48 years!
'''Stuart''': And there has not been a right time! Please, don't pressure me! I'm very emotional already. We've had some frightful news. Clive is dead.
'''Freddie''': Your mother is always the first to know when someone dies. Is she getting the news directly from Satan?
'''Stuart''': I would think you'd be a little more upset considering your history.
'''Freddie''': That was a long time ago. We were all in our early 20s.
'''Stuart''': What, I was 19. I wasn't in my 20s. People used to think I was your nephew.
'''Freddie''': Yes, because you told them you were my nephew. Anyway, I do feel bad about Clive. I just hope he didn't suffer.
'''Stuart''': Apparently, they had to cut a foot off, so I assume there was some discomfort.
I dare say those thick ankles of his put up quite a fight. Who on earth is that?
'''Freddie''' I have no idea. Are you expecting anybody?
'''Stuart''': No! These aren't calling hours! This is outrageous! You just don't go about ringing people's doorbells! Let's just see who it is, and then put the whole ugly business behind us.
'''Freddie''': Well, I'm going to give this intruder a real dressing down.
'''Both Freddie and Stuart''': Aaaah.
'''Ash''': Hello.
'''Freddie''': Can we help you with something?
'''Ash''': Ash.
'''Freddie''': I didn't even know that was a name.
'''Ash''': I was here to see about the flat. Is this a bad time?
'''Freddie''': No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, not at all.
'''Ash''': Great.
'''Freddie''': Yes, great. Can I get you some tea?
'''Ash''': No, thanks. I'd just really like to see the flat.
'''Stuart''': You've come to the wrong door, I'm afraid. The flat for rent is one floor up.
'''Ash''': Oh, sorry.
'''Freddie''': Don't be sorry. I'm Freddie. (Gestures towards Stuart) This is Stuart, my friend. Freddie Thornhill. You probably recognise me from the television or the stage.Do you go to the theatre often, Ash? Am I saying that correctly?
'''Ash''': Yeah. Ash. I don't get to the theatre much.
'''Freddie''': Well, of course, you're a young man, you do young man things. I'm quite certain I'm old enough to be your father.
'''Stuart''': (Muttering) Yes, I'm quite certain, too.
'''Ash''': My father's 46.
'''Freddie''': Ah, and so am I.
'''Ash''': Do you mind if I use your toilet?
'''Freddie''': Mind? We'd be devastated if you didn't. (Ash leaves the room).
'''Stuart''': You are making such a fool of yourself.
'''Freddie''': Then you should leave. It's quite clear he hates you. Do you suppose he's "family"?
'''Stuart''': Oh, God. It's so tricky to tell now. I thought Graham Norton was straight.
'''Freddie''': Well, my dear Stuart, I will work it out. After all, I did spend a year playing the detective in The Mousetrap.
'''Stuart''': Oh, please! Our postman's been in The Mousetrap. (Someone knocks on the front door) This is complete lunacy! It's like Victoria Station!(Goes to the door) Who's there?!
'''Violet''': (From outside) It's Violet, darling. (Stuart opens the door; Violet enters)I came as soon as I heard. Poor Clive.
'''Stuart''': Yes, it's been a great shock, as you can imagine.
'''Freddie'''; We're absolutely devastated. Now, I must ask you.
'''Violet''': Anything, darling.
'''Freddie''': Is Leytonstone any better than Wigan?
'''Violet''': A bit, darling.

to:

'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Oh, my God! Oh, how dreadful! Poor Clive. At least he didn't suffer. (Pause) Oh, he did. Oh, my. That much? (Pause) Oh, well, I prefer to remember him as I last saw him.
him. Being fed apple sauce by a Jamaican woman. Well, it's a reminder that we should spend as much time as possible with those we hold dear while we're able. Anyway, thank you for calling, Mother.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': (At the top of the stairs)For a moment, I thought those high-pitched, piercing shrieks were coming from a gaggle of schoolgirls. But now I see it's just you. I shan't be able to return to sleep now, thanks muchly.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Who do you think you are? The Earl of Grantham? You're from Wigan.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': It's better than being from Leytonstone.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': How dare you? I've been to Oxford.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Yes, for lunch. Who were you squawking at on the phone just now?
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': My mother, if you must know.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Was she calling to tell you when she'd be dying?
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': She was very distraught.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Why? Did you finally tell her about us?
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': I'm waiting for the right time.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': It's been 48 years!
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': And there has not been a right time! Please, don't pressure me! I'm very emotional already. We've had some frightful news. Clive is dead.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Your mother is always the first to know when someone dies. Is she getting the news directly from Satan?
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': I would think you'd be a little more upset considering your history.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': That was a long time ago. We were all in our early 20s.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': What, I was 19. I wasn't in my 20s. People used to think I was your nephew.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Yes, because you told them you were my nephew. Anyway, I do feel bad about Clive. I just hope he didn't suffer.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Apparently, they had to cut a foot off, so I assume there was some discomfort.
discomfort. I dare say those thick ankles of his put up quite a fight. Who on earth is that?
'''Freddie''' ->'''Freddie''' I have no idea. Are you expecting anybody?
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': No! These aren't calling hours! This is outrageous! You just don't go about ringing people's doorbells! Let's just see who it is, and then put the whole ugly business behind us.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Well, I'm going to give this intruder a real dressing down.
'''Both ->'''Both Freddie and Stuart''': Aaaah.
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': Hello.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Can we help you with something?
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': Ash.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': I didn't even know that was a name.
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': I was here to see about the flat. Is this a bad time?
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, not at all.
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': Great.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Yes, great. Can I get you some tea?
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': No, thanks. I'd just really like to see the flat.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': You've come to the wrong door, I'm afraid. The flat for rent is one floor up.
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': Oh, sorry.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Don't be sorry. I'm Freddie. (Gestures towards Stuart) This is Stuart, my friend. Freddie Thornhill. You probably recognise me from the television or the stage.Do you go to the theatre often, Ash? Am I saying that correctly?
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': Yeah. Ash. I don't get to the theatre much.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Well, of course, you're a young man, you do young man things. I'm quite certain I'm old enough to be your father.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': (Muttering) Yes, I'm quite certain, too.
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': My father's 46.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Ah, and so am I.
'''Ash''': ->'''Ash''': Do you mind if I use your toilet?
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Mind? We'd be devastated if you didn't. (Ash leaves the room).
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': You are making such a fool of yourself.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Then you should leave. It's quite clear he hates you. Do you suppose he's "family"?
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Oh, God. It's so tricky to tell now. I thought Graham Norton was straight.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Well, my dear Stuart, I will work it out. After all, I did spend a year playing the detective in The Mousetrap.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Oh, please! Our postman's been in The Mousetrap. (Someone knocks on the front door) This is complete lunacy! It's like Victoria Station!(Goes to the door) Who's there?!
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': (From outside) It's Violet, darling. (Stuart opens the door; Violet enters)I came as soon as I heard. Poor Clive.
'''Stuart''': ->'''Stuart''': Yes, it's been a great shock, as you can imagine.
'''Freddie'''; ->'''Freddie'''; We're absolutely devastated. Now, I must ask you.
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': Anything, darling.
'''Freddie''': ->'''Freddie''': Is Leytonstone any better than Wigan?
'''Violet''': ->'''Violet''': A bit, darling.


'''Penelope Wasn't there a second wife, too? Ash, why don't you pour yourself a cup of tea instead of sitting there like a statue.
I'm sorry.
I'm not quite sure how to behave.
Have you never been a guest before? You must engage in the conversation.
Maybe he's shy.
Are you shy, darling, is that it? Because you are behaving oddly.
It's empty.
There's a fresh pot in the kitchen, I'll get it.
No, I'll get it.
Is it something we're doing? Is it us? No, it's definitely him.
They have no manners nowadays.
Exactly.
Interact.
Ask questions.
Well, Chinese people are very quiet.
He's not Chinese! I think there's something wrong with your dog.
Balthazar? Why? What's he doing? He's just lying there.
I think he's unconscious.
Oh, no, he's only sleeping.
I stepped on him and he didn't move.
He's 20, you see.
And yet still younger than the biscuits.
I didn't think dogs lived that long.
He's more of a doorstopper at this point.
You see, you would never have had Balthazar had you been with Clive instead of Freddie.
Or any of the others.
That's a lot of dogs.
We went through several very quickly.
This used to be a bus route.
I just wish I could've had the chance to have known what that life could have been.
Do you really think you would have had a better life without me? Yes! I could have been happy and successful, instead of being stuck with you in this penitentiary.
Do you think I've been happy? With you simpering around this flat, pouring your blandness onto every surface.
I don't know what would be preferable at this point, if you woke up dead or I did! I know which I'd prefer! I'll tell you what would've happened to you.
You would've ended up the same worthless prat you are today! Your accent just came out! Hey! His accent just came out! You all heard it! It most certainly didn't! And at least I'm not from Leytonstone! Wigan's worse! I'm from Wigan! This is not the time to contribute, darling.
What exactly have you done with your life? Bit parts in rep and one episode of Dr Who? What an illustrious career to look back on! At least I've had a career.
And I'm still at it.
I'm still working! You've had nothing.
You've done nothing! I think I hear the dog.
Is this over yet then, Freddie? No.
It is not.
Clive would have loved this.
I think.
I'm not sure, really.
What actually is this? I also killed a prostitute on Coronation Street.
Among others.
Other prostitutes? Other shows.
You're becoming very annoying.
Is he going to be all right? Stuart? Of course.
You know what it can be like with certain "friends".
I guess.
Do you have a very close friend, Ash? Not now, no.
I see.
But in the past, you have been in a relationship with another person? I have.
But I've never been in love.
Ah.
You're young.
You'll meet that special someone.
I suppose.
I should really go.
Please tell Stuart I said thank you.
Of course.
And I hope you've had fun.
And maybe learned a little bit about social graces as well.
Has he been here this whole time? Oh, and by the way I'm straight.
Well, that came out of nowhere.
You're up late.
I was just going to pour myself a drink.
Care for one? Fine, don't answer.
I prefer it.
You behaved abominably today! She speaks! Don't let's do this now.
I'm so tired.
Entertaining is exhausting.
I suppose I'm not tired because I do nothing.
I did nothing.
I am nothing.
You're still going on about that? Will you forget about it, please? I can never forget it.
You said some very hurtful things which you can never take back.
I don't see how we can ever get over this.
Stuart, I'm sorry.
Oh, that's all right.
Oh, what on earth?! Is that someone calling? This lunacy! Hello? Oh, hello, Mother.
Yes, I'm still awake.
I'm here with my flatmate.
Oh, for Christ's sake, Stuart.
He says, "Hello, Mrs Bixby.
" Oh, my God.
Oh, how dreadful! When? Poor Oliver! Another one.
Shit!

to:

'''Penelope '''Penelope''': Wasn't there a second wife, too? too?
'''Freddie''':
Ash, why don't you pour yourself a cup of tea instead of sitting there like a statue.
statue.
'''Ash''':
I'm sorry.
sorry. I'm not quite sure how to behave.
'''Freddie''': Have you never been a guest before? You must engage in the conversation.
conversation.
'''Stuart''':
Maybe he's shy.
shy.
'''Violet''':
Are you shy, darling, is that it? Because you are behaving oddly.
oddly.
'''Ash''': (Picks up the teapot)
It's empty.
empty.
'''Stuart''':
There's a fresh pot in the kitchen, I'll get it.
it.
'''Ash''':
No, I'll get it.
it. (Leaves the room)
'''Freddie''':
Is it something we're doing? Is it us? us?
'''Stuart''':
No, it's definitely him.
him.
'''Mason''':
They have no manners nowadays.
Exactly.
Interact.
nowadays.
'''Freddie''': Exactly.
'''Stuart''': Interact.
Ask questions.
'''Penelope''': Well, Chinese people are very quiet.
quiet.
'''Stuart''':
He's not Chinese! I Chinese!
'''Ash''': (Enters)I
think there's something wrong with your dog.
dog.
'''Stuart''':
Balthazar? Why? What's he doing? doing?
'''Ash''':
He's just lying there.
there. I think he's unconscious.
'''Stuart''': Oh, no, he's only sleeping.
sleeping.
'''Ash''':
I stepped on him and he didn't move.
move.
'''Stuart''':
He's 20, you see.
see.
'''Mason''':
And yet still younger than the biscuits.
biscuits.
'''Ash''':
I didn't think dogs lived that long.
long.
'''Violet''':
He's more of a doorstopper at this point.
point. You see, you would never have had Balthazar had you been with Clive instead of Freddie.
Freddie. Or any of the others.
others. (Gestures to the mantelpiece, where several jars of ashes are displayed).
'''Ash''':
That's a lot of dogs.
dogs.
'''Freddie''':
We went through several very quickly.
quickly. This used to be a bus route.
'''Stuart''': I just wish I could've had the chance to have known what that life could have been.
Do
been.
'''Freddie''':Do
you really think you would have had a better life without me? me?
'''Stuart''':
Yes! I could have been happy and successful, instead of being stuck with you in this penitentiary.
Do
penitentiary.
'''Freddie''':Do
you think I've been happy? With you simpering around this flat, pouring your blandness onto every surface.
surface. I don't know what would be preferable at this point, if you woke up dead or I did! did!
'''Stuart''':
I know which I'd prefer! prefer!
'''Freddie''':
I'll tell you what would've happened to you.
you. (Wigan accent) You would've ended up the same worthless prat you are today! today!
'''Stuart''':
Your accent just came out! Hey! His accent just came out! You all heard it! it!
'''Freddie''':
It most certainly didn't! And at least I'm not from Leytonstone! Leytonstone!
'''Stuart''':
Wigan's worse! worse!
'''Ash''':
I'm from Wigan! Wigan!
'''Violet''':
This is not the time to contribute, darling.
'''Stuart''': What exactly have you done with your life? Bit parts in rep and one episode of Dr Who? What an illustrious career to look back on! on!
'''Freddie''':
At least I've had a career.
career. And I'm still at it.
it. I'm still working! You've had nothing.
nothing. You've done nothing! nothing!
'''Stuart''': (Crying)
I think I hear the dog.
dog. (Leaves the room)
'''Mason''':
Is this over yet then, Freddie? No.
Freddie?
'''Freddie''': No.
It is not.
'''Violet''': Clive would have loved this.
this. I think.
think. I'm not sure, really.
really. What actually is this? this?
'''Freddie''':
I also killed a prostitute on Coronation Street.
Street. Among others.
'''Penelope''': Other prostitutes? prostitutes?
'''Freddie''':
Other shows.
shows. You're becoming very annoying.
'''Ash''': Is he going to be all right? right?
'''Freddie''':
Stuart? Of course.
course. You know what it can be like with certain "friends".
'''Ash''': I guess.
guess.
'''Freddie''':
Do you have a very close friend, Ash? Not Ash?
'''Ash''':Not
now, no.
no.
'''Freddie''':
I see.
see. But in the past, you have been in a relationship with another person? person?
'''Ash''':
I have.
have. But I've never been in love.
Ah.\n '''Freddie''': Ah. You're young.
young. You'll meet that special someone.
'''Ash''': I suppose.
suppose. I should really go.
go. Please tell Stuart I said thank you.
'''Freddie''': Of course.
course. And I hope you've had fun.
fun. And maybe learned a little bit about social graces as well.
'''Penelope''': Has he been here this whole time? time?
'''Ash''':
Oh, and by the way I'm straight.
straight. (Shuts the door and leaves).
'''Freddie''':
Well, that came out of nowhere.
nowhere.
---------------------------------
'''Freddie''':
You're up late.
late. I was just going to pour myself a drink.
drink. Care for one? Fine, don't answer.
answer. I prefer it.
'''Stuart''': You behaved abominably today! today!
'''Freddie''':
She speaks! Don't let's do this now.
now. I'm so tired.
tired. Entertaining is exhausting.
'''Stuart''': I suppose I'm not tired because I do nothing.
nothing. I did nothing.
nothing. I am nothing.
nothing. (Voice breaks).
'''Freddie''':
You're still going on about that? Will you forget about it, please? please?
'''Stuart''':
I can never forget it.
it. You said some very hurtful things which you can never take back.
back. I don't see how we can ever get over this.
'''Freddie''': Stuart, I'm sorry.
sorry.
'''Stuart''':
Oh, that's all right.
right.
'''Freddie''':
Oh, what on earth?! Is that someone calling? This lunacy! lunacy!
'''Stuart''': (Answers the phone)
Hello? Oh, hello, Mother.
Mother. Yes, I'm still awake.
awake.I'm here with my flatmate.
flatmate.
'''Freddie''':
Oh, for Christ's sake, Stuart.
Stuart.
'''Stuart''':
He says, "Hello, Mrs Bixby.
Bixby." Oh, my God.
God.Oh, how dreadful! When? Poor Oliver! (To Freddie) Another one.
one.
'''Freddie''':
Shit!


(They run out of the roommmmmm
Freddie tells me the good news! You must join us for tea.
Thanks.
So, you never use the huge window? No.
We also don't go around pulling cords in other people's flats.
Go on.
We're done with you for now.
Clive was smitten with me that entire summer.
We had magical weather, it only rained 60 days.
I was on tour with erm Shakespeare, I believe.
That's right, the two of you were old school chums.
You must forgive Stuart.
He was never loved as a child.
Or as an adult.
Egg and cress sandwich, Mason? Is that what that is? I thought it was a crumb surrounded by a toothpick.
Perhaps you'd like some of what you brought? I could always cut you a slice of nothing.
Penelope? Penelope? One more time, darling.
Penelope?! Oh, I'm sorry.
I was sleeping.
Sleeping? Your eyes were wide open.
Oh.
That's troubling.
Oh, I'm going to miss Clive.
I do believe you broke his heart, Freddie.
Thank you.
I still have some of the old letters that Clive wrote to me.
Oh, I have some of my old letters that were written to me We're not talking about your life now! I always thought Clive was so dashing.
Every young man wanted to be seen on the arm of Clive St.
Claire, the most eligible bachelor in London.
I seem to remember a wife.
Wasn't there a wife at some point? Oh, that was ages ago, and it was only for 19 years.
No, Clive was a true man's man.
Independent, free as a bird.
And children.
Weren't there children? Yes, six.
Are you through interrupting or shall I hand you a microphone? Oh, what's happening? What is that? That must be our new neighbour.
The boy from the toilet? The one who was flirting with me shamelessly? No, this is a person who exists.
Did you find out if he's? No, he's being very cagey.
Hi.
I hope you like cakes.
Oh, look, somebody brought something.
You must meet our friends.
This is Penelope and that is Mason.
And you remember our friend Violet.
From Zac Efron, remember? You're all dressed in black.
Is is everything all right? Oh, didn't we tell you? This is more of a tea/wake.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Who died? A good friend of mine.
He was very dear to all of us.
Can I get anybody another sandwich? Yes, I'd like ten more, please.
I'm hoping to smush them all together to create a bite.
Were you good friends? We were, a long time ago.
Do you know, why don't I read out one of Clive's old letters? Wouldn't that be lovely? Not unless you read it in another room.
Ash, would you prefer to sit on my lap? I have very strong bones.
Ah, here's one that hasn't been opened.
"My one and only I can't imagine my life without you.
What a kind, generous man you are.
If I only knew you felt the same, I would leave everything behind to start a new with you.
Just say yes.
Always, Clive.
" He really loved you.
No, he didn't.
What are you talking about? And you have lipstick all over your teeth.
Look at the envelope.
It's addressed to Stuart! Stuart?! My God! Oh, I dozed off again.
What did I miss? That is preposterous! Why would he have been interested in Stuart? He says it right here! Because I was kind and generous and handsome! It says kind and generous.
You added handsome! I don't understand.
I never even received this letter.
It must have got mixed in with all my fan mail.
You have one fan.
Who writes a lot of letters! Well, it doesn't matter now anyway.
That was 50 years ago.
I could have had a completely different life if I'd seen the letter.
Not this hell I've been trapped in! You've been in hell? I've provided you with everything you could ever want since the moment we met.
You were pulling pints in a pub! I was the manager! And I was going to be a model.
You were never going to be a model! No.
Not with you sucking the life out of me! I aged five years just sharing a taxi with you that night! Is that why you look a thousand? You're practically melting onto the rug! Ouch! Should I go? Why? Don't be ridiculous.
Of course not.
It's all right, darling.
Sit.
Um your hand is really high up on my thigh.
Is it? Well, I don't see what the problem is.
It's not as if Clive was any great prize.
He had children, he was married.
Wasn't there a second wife, too? Ash, why don't you pour yourself a cup of tea instead of sitting there like a statue.

to:

(They run out of the roommmmmm
room, returning after Ash has closed the curtains.)
'''Stuart''':
Freddie tells me the good news! You must join us for tea.
Thanks.
tea.
'''Ash''': Thanks.
So, you never use the huge window? No.
window?
'''Freddie''': No.
We also don't go around pulling cords in other people's flats.
flats. Go on.
on. (Waves his hand at Ash.) We're done with you for now.
now.
--------------------------------------
'''Freddie''':
Clive was smitten with me that entire summer.
summer. We had magical weather, it only rained 60 days.
days. I was on tour with erm Shakespeare, I believe.
'''Stuart''': That's right, the two of you were old school chums.
chums.
'''Freddie''':
You must forgive Stuart.
Stuart. He was never loved as a child.
child. Or as an adult.
'''Stuart''': Egg and cress sandwich, Mason? Mason?
'''Mason''':
Is that what that is? I thought it was a crumb surrounded by a toothpick.
toothpick.
'''Stuart''':
Perhaps you'd like some of what you brought? I could always cut you a slice of nothing.
nothing. (To Penelope, who is vacant) Penelope? Penelope? Penelope?
'''Violet''':
One more time, darling.
Penelope?!
darling.
'''Stuart''': (Shouts) Penelope?!
'''Penelope''':
Oh, I'm sorry.
sorry. I was sleeping.
'''Freddie''': Sleeping? Your eyes were wide open.
Oh.
open.
'''Penelope''': Oh.
That's troubling.
troubling.
'''Violet''':
Oh, I'm going to miss Clive.
Clive. I do believe you broke his heart, Freddie.
'''Freddie''': Thank you.
you. I still have some of the old letters that Clive wrote to me.
'''Violet''': Oh, I have some of my old letters that were written to me me
'''Freddie''':
We're not talking about your life now! I always thought Clive was so dashing.
Every young man wanted to be seen on the arm of Clive St.
St. Claire, the most eligible bachelor in London.
'''Penelope''': I seem to remember a wife.
wife. Wasn't there a wife at some point? point?
'''Stuart''':
Oh, that was ages ago, and it was only for 19 years.
years. No, Clive was a true man's man.
man. Independent, free as a bird.
'''Penelope''': And children.
children. Weren't there children? children?
'''Stuart''':
Yes, six.
six. Are you through interrupting or shall I hand you a microphone? microphone?
'''Penelope''':
Oh, what's happening? What is that? That that?
'''Stuart''':That
must be our new neighbour.
neighbour.
'''Violet''':
The boy from the toilet? The one who was flirting with me shamelessly? shamelessly?
'''Freddie''':
No, this is a person who exists.
exists.
'''Violet''':
Did you find out if he's? he's?
'''Freddie''':
No, he's being very cagey.
Hi.
cagey.
(Stuart answers the door; Ash enters).
'''Ash''': Hi.
I hope you like cakes.
'''Stuart''': Oh, look, somebody brought something.
something. You must meet our friends.
friends. This is Penelope and that is Mason.
Mason. And you remember our friend Violet.
'''Violet''': From Zac Efron, remember? remember?
'''Ah''':
You're all dressed in black.
black. Is is everything all right? right?
'''Stuart''':
Oh, didn't we tell you? This is more of a tea/wake.
tea/wake.
'''Ash''':
Oh, I'm sorry.
sorry. Who died? died?
'''Freddie''':
A good friend of mine.
mine. He was very dear to all of us.
'''Stuart''': Can I get anybody another sandwich? sandwich?
'''Mason''':
Yes, I'd like ten more, please.
please. I'm hoping to smush them all together to create a bite.
'''Ash''': Were you good friends? friends?
'''Freddie''':
We were, a long time ago.
ago. Do you know, why don't I read out one of Clive's old letters? Wouldn't that be lovely? lovely?
'''Stuart''':
Not unless you read it in another room.
room.
'''Violet''':
Ash, would you prefer to sit on my lap? I have very strong bones.
bones.
'''Freddie''':
Ah, here's one that hasn't been opened.
opened. "My one and only I can't imagine my life without you.
you. What a kind, generous man you are.
are. If I only knew you felt the same, I would leave everything behind to start a new with you.
you. Just say yes.
yes. Always, Clive.
"
Clive."
'''Ash''':
He really loved you.
you.
'''Violet''':
No, he didn't.
didn't.
'''Freddie''':
What are you talking about? And you have lipstick all over your teeth.
teeth.
'''Violet''':
Look at the envelope.
envelope. It's addressed to Stuart! Stuart!
'''Freddie''':
Stuart?! My God! God!
'''Penelope''':
Oh, I dozed off again.
again. What did I miss? miss?
'''Freddie''':
That is preposterous! Why would he have been interested in Stuart? Stuart?
'''Stuart'':
He says it right here! Because I was kind and generous and handsome! handsome!
'''Freddie''':
It says kind and generous.
generous. You added handsome! handsome!
'''Stuart''':
I don't understand.
understand. I never even received this letter.
'''Freddie''': It must have got mixed in with all my fan mail.
mail.
'''Stuart''':
You have one fan.
fan.
'''Freddie''':
Who writes a lot of letters! Well, it doesn't matter now anyway.
anyway.That was 50 years ago.
ago.
'''Stuart''':
I could have had a completely different life if I'd seen the letter.
letter.Not this hell I've been trapped in! in!
'''Freddie''':
You've been in hell? I've provided you with everything you could ever want since the moment we met.
met. You were pulling pints in a pub! pub!
'''Stuart''':
I was the manager! And (Puts his hand on his hip )And I was going to be a model.
model.
'''Freddie''':
You were never going to be a model! No.
model!
'''Stuart''': No.
Not with you sucking the life out of me! I aged five years just sharing a taxi with you that night! night!
'''Freddie''':
Is that why you look a thousand? You're practically melting onto the rug! Ouch! rug!
'''Stuart''': Ouch!
'''Ash''':
Should I go? go?
'''Freddie''':
Why? Don't be ridiculous.
ridiculous.
'''Stuart''':
Of course not.
not.
'''Violet''':
It's all right, darling.
darling. Sit.
'''Ash''': Um your hand is really high up on my thigh.
thigh.
'''Violet''':
Is it? Well, I don't see what the problem is.
is. It's not as if Clive was any great prize.
prize. He had children, he was married.
'''Penelope Wasn't there a second wife, too? Ash, why don't you pour yourself a cup of tea instead of sitting there like a statue.


(Ash goes over to Freddie awards and pulls on a cord. The large curtains open)
(Freddie and Stuart enter.)



Freddie tells me the good news.
Close those curtains! The light! The light! Freddie tells me the good news! You must join us for tea.

to:

'''Stuart''': Freddie tells me the good news.
news.
(They see the open curtains.)
'''Freddie''':
Close those curtains! curtains!
'''Stuart''':
The light! The light! light!
(They run out of the roommmmmm
Freddie tells me the good news! You must join us for tea.


'''Stuart''': The young man who came to see about the flat upstairs. He's been ages.
Go and see what's going on.
No, no, I don't want to disturb him.
It's very rude to disturb attractive people.
Well, we can't leave him in there all day.
You let a complete stranger use your loo? What if he comes out and rapes me? Let's cross that bridge when we come to it, shall we? Everything all right in there, Ash? Well, we tried.
So that's it, then? I don't see what else we can do.
Try calling him again.
No, you try.
Somebody do something.
I'm so frightened I'm going to be raped.
Oh, for God's sake, Violet, nobody wants to rape you.
What an awful thing to say.
Thanks very much.
Of course.
Everything all right? Yeah, sorry.
Had to make a call.
Ah.
A call to your? Mate.
I see.
A close mate? I guess.
I see.
And is this your special mate? Er, dunno.
I should probably go and see that flat now.
Has anybody ever said you remind them of Zac Efron? That's a person, right? Or is it a place? This is our friend Violet, Ash.
Yes, she's our friend and Stuart here is my "friend".
Uh OK.
Haven't I seen you in my yoga class? I go to yoga.
I'm great fun.
I don't think so.
Well, I'm certain I know you.
Have you ever been to Zac Efron? I'm covered either way now.
I should probably go.
It was nice meeting you all.
And good luck with the flat.
I do hope we become neighbours.
And you can bring round here anybody you like.
Boys, girls, whichever you prefer.

to:

'''Stuart''': '''Freddie''': The young man who came to see about the flat upstairs. He's been ages.
ages. Go and see what's going on.
'''Stuart''': No, no, I don't want to disturb him.
him. It's very rude to disturb attractive people.
'''Freddie''': Well, we can't leave him in there all day.
day.
'''Violet''':
You let a complete stranger use your loo? What if he comes out and rapes me? me?
'''Freddie''':
Let's cross that bridge when we come to it, shall we? we?
'''Stuart''': (Calls through the door)
Everything all right in there, Ash? Ash?
'''Freddie''':
Well, we tried.
tried.
'''Violet''':
So that's it, then? then?
'''Freddie''':
I don't see what else we can do.
do. Try calling him again.
'''Stuart''': No, you try.
try.
'''Violet''':
Somebody do something.
I'm
something. 'm so frightened I'm going to be raped.
raped.
'''Freddie''':
Oh, for God's sake, Violet, nobody wants to rape you.
you.
'''Violet''':
What an awful thing to say.
say.
'''Freddie''':
Thanks very much.
much.
'''Violet''':
Of course.
course.
(Ash comes out of the toilet)
'''Stuart''':
Everything all right? right?
'''Ash''':
Yeah, sorry.
sorry. Had to make a call.
Ah.\n '''Freddie''': Ah. A call to your? Mate.
your?
'''Ash''': Mate.
'''Freddie''':
I see.
see. A close mate? mate?
'''Ash''':
I guess.
guess.
'''Freddie''':
I see.
see. And is this your special mate? mate?
'''Ash''':
Er, dunno.
dunno. I should probably go and see that flat now.
'''Violet''': Has anybody ever said you remind them of Zac Efron? (To Stuart) That's a person, right? Or is it a place? place?
'''Stuart''':
This is our friend Violet, Ash.
Ash.
'''Freddie''':
Yes, she's our friend and Stuart here is my "friend".
"friend".
'''Ash''':
Uh OK.
OK.
'''Violet''':
Haven't I seen you in my yoga class? I go to yoga.
yoga. I'm great fun.
'''Ash''': I don't think so.
so.
'''Violet''':
Well, I'm certain I know you.
you. Have you ever been to Zac Efron? (To Stuart) I'm covered either way now.
now.
'''Ash''':
I should probably go.
go. It was nice meeting you all.
'''Freddie''': And good luck with the flat.
flat. I do hope we become neighbours.
neighbours. And you can bring round here anybody you like.
like. Boys, girls, whichever you prefer.prefer.
'''Ash''': Thanks. (Ash leaves)
'''Stuart''': Nicely done, Miss Marple! I only hope his flesh didn't rot off where you touched him.
'''Freddie''': I'm surprised you could see it through the milky film that coats your cataracts.
'''Stuart: (Voice high pitched and shaky) I'm going to make another pot of tea. (Sobs, leaving the room.)
'''Freddie: (To Violet) I never know when I'm going too far, but I'm always so glad when I do.
-------------------------
'''Freddie''': Your mother looked well for someone who doesn't have a heartbeat. She always rallies for a funeral.
'''Stuart''': Do you know, Freddie, as grotesque a thought as it is, you might have been the love of Clive's life.
'''Freddie''': I do believe I was. It's sad that it took the passing of a dear friend to make me realise how special I am.
'''Stuart''': Are you wearing mascara?
'''Freddie''': No.
'''Stuart''': Well, I must prepare for our guests. I want everything to be perfect. I bought two sandwiches that I can cut up into sixteenths. That should do it.
'''Freddie''': Oh, that is it! We are disconnecting this bell! (Opens the door)Oh, hello. (Calling to Stuart) It's Ash! (To Ash) You'll tell me if I'm ever pronouncing that wrong.
'''Ash''': I hope I'm not bothering you.
'''Freddie''': Bothering us? We should give you a key.
'''Ash''': I was just stopping by to let you know I got the upstairs flat.
'''Freddie''': Oh, goody!
'''Ash''': In fact, I'm moving in today.
'''Freddie''': Oh, marvellous. Stuart, my friend, will be so pleased. You remember him?Shrunken, old gnome?
'''Ash''': Great. I love spending time with OAPs.
'''Freddie''': No, I'm not one. He is. Not me. Sometimes I pretend to be, in order to get concessions at the cinema, but they don't usually believe me. Would you excuse me a moment? And do not look at my awards while I'm in the other room. I'd be very embarrassed. They're over there. (Leaves the room).
'''Freddie''': We're both very excited.
Freddie tells me the good news.
Close those curtains! The light! The light! Freddie tells me the good news! You must join us for tea.



Nicely done, Miss Marple! I only hope his flesh didn't rot off where you touched him.
I'm surprised you could see it through the milky film that coats your cataracts.
I'm going to make another pot of tea.
I never know when I'm going too far, but I'm always so glad when I do.
Your mother looked well for someone who doesn't have a heartbeat.
She always rallies for a funeral.
Do you know, Freddie, as grotesque a thought as it is, you might have been the love of Clive's life.
I do believe I was.
It's sad that it took the passing of a dear friend to make me realise how special I am.
Are you wearing mascara? No.
Well, I must prepare for our guests.
I want everything to be perfect.
I bought two sandwiches that I can cut up into sixteenths.
That should do it.
Oh, that is it! We are disconnecting this bell! Oh, hello.
It's Ash! You'll tell me if I'm ever pronouncing that wrong.
I hope I'm not bothering you.
Bothering us? We should give you a key.
I was just stopping by to let you know I got the upstairs flat.
Oh, goody! In fact, I'm moving in today.
Oh, marvelous.
Stuart, my friend, will be so pleased.
You remember him? Shrunken, old gnome? Great.
I love spending time with OAPs.
No, I'm not one.
He is.
Not me.
Sometimes I pretend to be, in order to get concessions at the cinema, but they don't usually believe me.
Would you excuse me a moment? And do not look at my awards while I'm in the other room.
I'd be very embarrassed.
They're over there.
We're both very excited.
Freddie tells me the good news.
Close those curtains! The light! The light! Freddie tells me the good news! You must join us for tea.
Thanks.


'''Freddie''': Don't be sorry. I'm Freddie. (Gestures towards Stuart) This is Stuart, my friend. Freddie Thornhill.
You probably recognise me from the television or the stage.
Do you go to the theatre often, Ash? Am I saying that correctly? Yeah.
Ash.
I don't get to the theatre much.
Well, of course, you're a young man, you do young man things.
I'm quite certain I'm old enough to be your father.
Yes, I'm quite certain, too.
My father's 46.
Ah, and so am I.
Do you mind if I use your toilet? Mind? We'd be devastated if you didn't.
You are making such a fool of yourself.
Then you should leave.
It's quite clear he hates you.
Do you suppose he's "family"? Oh, God.
It's so tricky to tell now.
I thought Graham Norton was straight.
Well, my dear Stuart, I will work it out.
After all, I did spend a year playing the detective in The Mousetrap.
Oh, please! Our postman's been in The Mousetrap.
This is complete lunacy! It's like Victoria Station! Who's there?! It's Violet, darling.
I came as soon as I heard.
Poor Clive.
Yes, it's been a great shock, as you can imagine.
We're absolutely devastated.
Now, I must ask you.
Anything, darling.
Is Leytonstone any better than Wigan? A bit, darling.
Bollocks.
I was thinking perhaps we should host a small gathering here tomorrow.
Just our little circle.
That will be lovely.
I can't believe he's gone.
Dear, sweet Clive.
Did you hear about the foot? Yes.
Unfortunate.
Oh, damn, I wanted to tell you.
Poor Freddie, you were quite close, back in the day.
Well, Clive was very much smitten with me, that is true.
Obsessed, really.
I was young, handsome, famous.
You were barely one of those things.
I'm just going to use the loo before I go out.
There has to be somebody who hasn't heard about that foot.
Oh! He's still in there! Who's still in there? The young man who came to see about the flat upstairs.
He's been ages.

to:

'''Freddie''': Don't be sorry. I'm Freddie. (Gestures towards Stuart) This is Stuart, my friend. Freddie Thornhill.
Thornhill. You probably recognise me from the television or the stage.
stage.Do you go to the theatre often, Ash? Am I saying that correctly? Yeah.
Ash.
correctly?
'''Ash''': Yeah. Ash.
I don't get to the theatre much.
'''Freddie''': Well, of course, you're a young man, you do young man things.
things. I'm quite certain I'm old enough to be your father.
'''Stuart''': (Muttering) Yes, I'm quite certain, too.
too.
'''Ash''':
My father's 46.
46.
'''Freddie''':
Ah, and so am I.
I.
'''Ash''':
Do you mind if I use your toilet? toilet?
'''Freddie''':
Mind? We'd be devastated if you didn't.
didn't. (Ash leaves the room).
'''Stuart''':
You are making such a fool of yourself.
yourself.
'''Freddie''':
Then you should leave.
leave. It's quite clear he hates you.
you. Do you suppose he's "family"? "family"?
'''Stuart''':
Oh, God.
God. It's so tricky to tell now.
now. I thought Graham Norton was straight.
'''Freddie''': Well, my dear Stuart, I will work it out.
out. After all, I did spend a year playing the detective in The Mousetrap.
'''Stuart''': Oh, please! Our postman's been in The Mousetrap.
Mousetrap. (Someone knocks on the front door) This is complete lunacy! It's like Victoria Station! Station!(Goes to the door) Who's there?! there?!
'''Violet''': (From outside)
It's Violet, darling.
I
darling. (Stuart opens the door; Violet enters)I came as soon as I heard.
heard. Poor Clive.
'''Stuart''': Yes, it's been a great shock, as you can imagine.
imagine.
'''Freddie''';
We're absolutely devastated.
devastated. Now, I must ask you.
'''Violet''': Anything, darling.
darling.
'''Freddie''':
Is Leytonstone any better than Wigan? Wigan?
'''Violet''':
A bit, darling.
Bollocks.
darling.
'''Freddie''': Bollocks.
'''Stuart''':
I was thinking perhaps we should host a small gathering here tomorrow.
tomorrow. Just our little circle.
'''Violet''': That will be lovely.
lovely. I can't believe he's gone.
gone. Dear, sweet Clive.
Clive. Did you hear about the foot? Yes.
foot?
'''Stuart''': Yes.
Unfortunate.
'''Violet: Oh, damn, I wanted to tell you.
you. Poor Freddie, you were quite close, back in the day.
'''Freddie''': Well, Clive was very much smitten with me, that is true.
true. Obsessed, really.
really. I was young, handsome, famous.
'''Stuart''': You were barely one of those things.
things.
'''Violet''':
I'm just going to use the loo before I go out.
out. There has to be somebody who hasn't heard about that foot.
'''Stuart''': Oh! He's still in there! there!
'''Violet''':
Who's still in there? there?
'''Stuart''':
The young man who came to see about the flat upstairs.
upstairs. He's been ages.

Added DiffLines:

!!Vicious Series 1 Episode 1: Wake

[[folder:script]]
'''Stuart''': Oh, my God! Oh, how dreadful! Poor Clive. At least he didn't suffer. (Pause) Oh, he did. Oh, my. That much? (Pause) Oh, well, I prefer to remember him as I last saw him.
Being fed apple sauce by a Jamaican woman. Well, it's a reminder that we should spend as much time as possible with those we hold dear while we're able. Anyway, thank you for calling, Mother.
'''Freddie''': (At the top of the stairs)For a moment, I thought those high-pitched, piercing shrieks were coming from a gaggle of schoolgirls. But now I see it's just you. I shan't be able to return to sleep now, thanks muchly.
'''Stuart''': Who do you think you are? The Earl of Grantham? You're from Wigan.
'''Freddie''': It's better than being from Leytonstone.
'''Stuart''': How dare you? I've been to Oxford.
'''Freddie''': Yes, for lunch. Who were you squawking at on the phone just now?
'''Stuart''': My mother, if you must know.
'''Freddie''': Was she calling to tell you when she'd be dying?
'''Stuart''': She was very distraught.
'''Freddie''': Why? Did you finally tell her about us?
'''Stuart''': I'm waiting for the right time.
'''Freddie''': It's been 48 years!
'''Stuart''': And there has not been a right time! Please, don't pressure me! I'm very emotional already. We've had some frightful news. Clive is dead.
'''Freddie''': Your mother is always the first to know when someone dies. Is she getting the news directly from Satan?
'''Stuart''': I would think you'd be a little more upset considering your history.
'''Freddie''': That was a long time ago. We were all in our early 20s.
'''Stuart''': What, I was 19. I wasn't in my 20s. People used to think I was your nephew.
'''Freddie''': Yes, because you told them you were my nephew. Anyway, I do feel bad about Clive. I just hope he didn't suffer.
'''Stuart''': Apparently, they had to cut a foot off, so I assume there was some discomfort.
I dare say those thick ankles of his put up quite a fight. Who on earth is that?
'''Freddie''' I have no idea. Are you expecting anybody?
'''Stuart''': No! These aren't calling hours! This is outrageous! You just don't go about ringing people's doorbells! Let's just see who it is, and then put the whole ugly business behind us.
'''Freddie''': Well, I'm going to give this intruder a real dressing down.
'''Both Freddie and Stuart''': Aaaah.
'''Ash''': Hello.
'''Freddie''': Can we help you with something?
'''Ash''': Ash.
'''Freddie''': I didn't even know that was a name.
'''Ash''': I was here to see about the flat. Is this a bad time?
'''Freddie''': No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, not at all.
'''Ash''': Great.
'''Freddie''': Yes, great. Can I get you some tea?
'''Ash''': No, thanks. I'd just really like to see the flat.
'''Stuart''': You've come to the wrong door, I'm afraid. The flat for rent is one floor up.
'''Ash''': Oh, sorry.
'''Freddie''': Don't be sorry. I'm Freddie. (Gestures towards Stuart) This is Stuart, my friend. Freddie Thornhill.
You probably recognise me from the television or the stage.
Do you go to the theatre often, Ash? Am I saying that correctly? Yeah.
Ash.
I don't get to the theatre much.
Well, of course, you're a young man, you do young man things.
I'm quite certain I'm old enough to be your father.
Yes, I'm quite certain, too.
My father's 46.
Ah, and so am I.
Do you mind if I use your toilet? Mind? We'd be devastated if you didn't.
You are making such a fool of yourself.
Then you should leave.
It's quite clear he hates you.
Do you suppose he's "family"? Oh, God.
It's so tricky to tell now.
I thought Graham Norton was straight.
Well, my dear Stuart, I will work it out.
After all, I did spend a year playing the detective in The Mousetrap.
Oh, please! Our postman's been in The Mousetrap.
This is complete lunacy! It's like Victoria Station! Who's there?! It's Violet, darling.
I came as soon as I heard.
Poor Clive.
Yes, it's been a great shock, as you can imagine.
We're absolutely devastated.
Now, I must ask you.
Anything, darling.
Is Leytonstone any better than Wigan? A bit, darling.
Bollocks.
I was thinking perhaps we should host a small gathering here tomorrow.
Just our little circle.
That will be lovely.
I can't believe he's gone.
Dear, sweet Clive.
Did you hear about the foot? Yes.
Unfortunate.
Oh, damn, I wanted to tell you.
Poor Freddie, you were quite close, back in the day.
Well, Clive was very much smitten with me, that is true.
Obsessed, really.
I was young, handsome, famous.
You were barely one of those things.
I'm just going to use the loo before I go out.
There has to be somebody who hasn't heard about that foot.
Oh! He's still in there! Who's still in there? The young man who came to see about the flat upstairs.
He's been ages.
Go and see what's going on.
No, no, I don't want to disturb him.
It's very rude to disturb attractive people.
Well, we can't leave him in there all day.
You let a complete stranger use your loo? What if he comes out and rapes me? Let's cross that bridge when we come to it, shall we? Everything all right in there, Ash? Well, we tried.
So that's it, then? I don't see what else we can do.
Try calling him again.
No, you try.
Somebody do something.
I'm so frightened I'm going to be raped.
Oh, for God's sake, Violet, nobody wants to rape you.
What an awful thing to say.
Thanks very much.
Of course.
Everything all right? Yeah, sorry.
Had to make a call.
Ah.
A call to your? Mate.
I see.
A close mate? I guess.
I see.
And is this your special mate? Er, dunno.
I should probably go and see that flat now.
Has anybody ever said you remind them of Zac Efron? That's a person, right? Or is it a place? This is our friend Violet, Ash.
Yes, she's our friend and Stuart here is my "friend".
Uh OK.
Haven't I seen you in my yoga class? I go to yoga.
I'm great fun.
I don't think so.
Well, I'm certain I know you.
Have you ever been to Zac Efron? I'm covered either way now.
I should probably go.
It was nice meeting you all.
And good luck with the flat.
I do hope we become neighbours.
And you can bring round here anybody you like.
Boys, girls, whichever you prefer.
Thanks.
Nicely done, Miss Marple! I only hope his flesh didn't rot off where you touched him.
I'm surprised you could see it through the milky film that coats your cataracts.
I'm going to make another pot of tea.
I never know when I'm going too far, but I'm always so glad when I do.
Your mother looked well for someone who doesn't have a heartbeat.
She always rallies for a funeral.
Do you know, Freddie, as grotesque a thought as it is, you might have been the love of Clive's life.
I do believe I was.
It's sad that it took the passing of a dear friend to make me realise how special I am.
Are you wearing mascara? No.
Well, I must prepare for our guests.
I want everything to be perfect.
I bought two sandwiches that I can cut up into sixteenths.
That should do it.
Oh, that is it! We are disconnecting this bell! Oh, hello.
It's Ash! You'll tell me if I'm ever pronouncing that wrong.
I hope I'm not bothering you.
Bothering us? We should give you a key.
I was just stopping by to let you know I got the upstairs flat.
Oh, goody! In fact, I'm moving in today.
Oh, marvelous.
Stuart, my friend, will be so pleased.
You remember him? Shrunken, old gnome? Great.
I love spending time with OAPs.
No, I'm not one.
He is.
Not me.
Sometimes I pretend to be, in order to get concessions at the cinema, but they don't usually believe me.
Would you excuse me a moment? And do not look at my awards while I'm in the other room.
I'd be very embarrassed.
They're over there.
We're both very excited.
Freddie tells me the good news.
Close those curtains! The light! The light! Freddie tells me the good news! You must join us for tea.
Thanks.
So, you never use the huge window? No.
We also don't go around pulling cords in other people's flats.
Go on.
We're done with you for now.
Clive was smitten with me that entire summer.
We had magical weather, it only rained 60 days.
I was on tour with erm Shakespeare, I believe.
That's right, the two of you were old school chums.
You must forgive Stuart.
He was never loved as a child.
Or as an adult.
Egg and cress sandwich, Mason? Is that what that is? I thought it was a crumb surrounded by a toothpick.
Perhaps you'd like some of what you brought? I could always cut you a slice of nothing.
Penelope? Penelope? One more time, darling.
Penelope?! Oh, I'm sorry.
I was sleeping.
Sleeping? Your eyes were wide open.
Oh.
That's troubling.
Oh, I'm going to miss Clive.
I do believe you broke his heart, Freddie.
Thank you.
I still have some of the old letters that Clive wrote to me.
Oh, I have some of my old letters that were written to me We're not talking about your life now! I always thought Clive was so dashing.
Every young man wanted to be seen on the arm of Clive St.
Claire, the most eligible bachelor in London.
I seem to remember a wife.
Wasn't there a wife at some point? Oh, that was ages ago, and it was only for 19 years.
No, Clive was a true man's man.
Independent, free as a bird.
And children.
Weren't there children? Yes, six.
Are you through interrupting or shall I hand you a microphone? Oh, what's happening? What is that? That must be our new neighbour.
The boy from the toilet? The one who was flirting with me shamelessly? No, this is a person who exists.
Did you find out if he's? No, he's being very cagey.
Hi.
I hope you like cakes.
Oh, look, somebody brought something.
You must meet our friends.
This is Penelope and that is Mason.
And you remember our friend Violet.
From Zac Efron, remember? You're all dressed in black.
Is is everything all right? Oh, didn't we tell you? This is more of a tea/wake.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Who died? A good friend of mine.
He was very dear to all of us.
Can I get anybody another sandwich? Yes, I'd like ten more, please.
I'm hoping to smush them all together to create a bite.
Were you good friends? We were, a long time ago.
Do you know, why don't I read out one of Clive's old letters? Wouldn't that be lovely? Not unless you read it in another room.
Ash, would you prefer to sit on my lap? I have very strong bones.
Ah, here's one that hasn't been opened.
"My one and only I can't imagine my life without you.
What a kind, generous man you are.
If I only knew you felt the same, I would leave everything behind to start a new with you.
Just say yes.
Always, Clive.
" He really loved you.
No, he didn't.
What are you talking about? And you have lipstick all over your teeth.
Look at the envelope.
It's addressed to Stuart! Stuart?! My God! Oh, I dozed off again.
What did I miss? That is preposterous! Why would he have been interested in Stuart? He says it right here! Because I was kind and generous and handsome! It says kind and generous.
You added handsome! I don't understand.
I never even received this letter.
It must have got mixed in with all my fan mail.
You have one fan.
Who writes a lot of letters! Well, it doesn't matter now anyway.
That was 50 years ago.
I could have had a completely different life if I'd seen the letter.
Not this hell I've been trapped in! You've been in hell? I've provided you with everything you could ever want since the moment we met.
You were pulling pints in a pub! I was the manager! And I was going to be a model.
You were never going to be a model! No.
Not with you sucking the life out of me! I aged five years just sharing a taxi with you that night! Is that why you look a thousand? You're practically melting onto the rug! Ouch! Should I go? Why? Don't be ridiculous.
Of course not.
It's all right, darling.
Sit.
Um your hand is really high up on my thigh.
Is it? Well, I don't see what the problem is.
It's not as if Clive was any great prize.
He had children, he was married.
Wasn't there a second wife, too? Ash, why don't you pour yourself a cup of tea instead of sitting there like a statue.
I'm sorry.
I'm not quite sure how to behave.
Have you never been a guest before? You must engage in the conversation.
Maybe he's shy.
Are you shy, darling, is that it? Because you are behaving oddly.
It's empty.
There's a fresh pot in the kitchen, I'll get it.
No, I'll get it.
Is it something we're doing? Is it us? No, it's definitely him.
They have no manners nowadays.
Exactly.
Interact.
Ask questions.
Well, Chinese people are very quiet.
He's not Chinese! I think there's something wrong with your dog.
Balthazar? Why? What's he doing? He's just lying there.
I think he's unconscious.
Oh, no, he's only sleeping.
I stepped on him and he didn't move.
He's 20, you see.
And yet still younger than the biscuits.
I didn't think dogs lived that long.
He's more of a doorstopper at this point.
You see, you would never have had Balthazar had you been with Clive instead of Freddie.
Or any of the others.
That's a lot of dogs.
We went through several very quickly.
This used to be a bus route.
I just wish I could've had the chance to have known what that life could have been.
Do you really think you would have had a better life without me? Yes! I could have been happy and successful, instead of being stuck with you in this penitentiary.
Do you think I've been happy? With you simpering around this flat, pouring your blandness onto every surface.
I don't know what would be preferable at this point, if you woke up dead or I did! I know which I'd prefer! I'll tell you what would've happened to you.
You would've ended up the same worthless prat you are today! Your accent just came out! Hey! His accent just came out! You all heard it! It most certainly didn't! And at least I'm not from Leytonstone! Wigan's worse! I'm from Wigan! This is not the time to contribute, darling.
What exactly have you done with your life? Bit parts in rep and one episode of Dr Who? What an illustrious career to look back on! At least I've had a career.
And I'm still at it.
I'm still working! You've had nothing.
You've done nothing! I think I hear the dog.
Is this over yet then, Freddie? No.
It is not.
Clive would have loved this.
I think.
I'm not sure, really.
What actually is this? I also killed a prostitute on Coronation Street.
Among others.
Other prostitutes? Other shows.
You're becoming very annoying.
Is he going to be all right? Stuart? Of course.
You know what it can be like with certain "friends".
I guess.
Do you have a very close friend, Ash? Not now, no.
I see.
But in the past, you have been in a relationship with another person? I have.
But I've never been in love.
Ah.
You're young.
You'll meet that special someone.
I suppose.
I should really go.
Please tell Stuart I said thank you.
Of course.
And I hope you've had fun.
And maybe learned a little bit about social graces as well.
Has he been here this whole time? Oh, and by the way I'm straight.
Well, that came out of nowhere.
You're up late.
I was just going to pour myself a drink.
Care for one? Fine, don't answer.
I prefer it.
You behaved abominably today! She speaks! Don't let's do this now.
I'm so tired.
Entertaining is exhausting.
I suppose I'm not tired because I do nothing.
I did nothing.
I am nothing.
You're still going on about that? Will you forget about it, please? I can never forget it.
You said some very hurtful things which you can never take back.
I don't see how we can ever get over this.
Stuart, I'm sorry.
Oh, that's all right.
Oh, what on earth?! Is that someone calling? This lunacy! Hello? Oh, hello, Mother.
Yes, I'm still awake.
I'm here with my flatmate.
Oh, for Christ's sake, Stuart.
He says, "Hello, Mrs Bixby.
" Oh, my God.
Oh, how dreadful! When? Poor Oliver! Another one.
Shit!

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