History Quotes / TranquilTirades

--> ''Damien:'' ''"If The Kurgan was my dad, I'd be a cocky motherfucker."''

-->''Damien:'' ''"Self-definistration, still counts."''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"Everyone in this movie is on weapons-grade Prozac."''

-->'''James:''' ''"And can ANYONE, anyone out there who's seen this movie please explain the cinematography here? We've got sudden stops, rewinds, 3-D glasses effects, more of the blue tints, random usage of black and white...it is like the editor found a shit-ton of effects and just decided to throw them all into a scene and just see what happens. You know what? I imagine this is the kind of thing that {{Creator/Tommy Wiseau}} would do if he knew how to use Adobe Premier."''

-->'''"Damien:''' ''"From this point forward, royal blue is going to be shoved into every crevice of this movie...FOR NO REASON."''

-->'''James:''' ''"This is the very be--...well, the sec--...okay, the 38th best in 1997 computer-generated effects."''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"Our cop character, Agent MacPherson, who looks like David Tennant's uglier brother, if that uglier brother had some sort of mutant baby with Billie Joe Armstrong, along with his partner, Agent Henderson, who looks like an extra from ''{{Film/The Matrix}}''. Okay, I have never tried out to be an FBI person, but I imagine it takes a lot of fucking time. They probably don't just hand out jobs to 25-year-olds. This guy looks like he's 25!!! Like, he wrote his thesis on his favorite Death Cab for Cutie album. He's wearing a fucking jacket...the stupidest fucking haircut, some shitty band shirt of a band I can't even see. And like...sneakers! THIS is our tough cop character???"''

* Episode 41 - ''Film/ATalkingPony''

-->'''James:''' ''"Apparently, her method of...''writing''...is sitting with her gigantic laptop on her couch and talking into her iPhone, which I'm positive was the same phone they used to record all of Eric Robert's lines from across the room in ''{{Film/A Talking Cat!?!}}''. We then spend TWO. FUCKING. MINUTES...says her story out loud in random foreign accents that sound like a combination of Russian, Bulgarian and British. It is every bit as fucking horrible as you can imagine."''

* Episode 53 - ''{{Film/Deadfall}}''

* Episode 54 - ''{{Film/An Easter Bunny Puppy}}''

-->'''"James:''' ''"So, this guy was strong enough to take down and subdue [Aubrey's father], but he can't handle a scrawny, recovering coke addict stripper who's missing two limbs???"''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"A verse that was set aside strictly for him. If it was on an album, it would be 'Jem and the Holograms feat. Rio.'"''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"Daffy Duck and...Heather Mason from'' Silent Hill 3.''"''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"He looks like he's about to offer a Dick-in-a-Box."''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"What the fuck did you two ''[Edward and Bella]'' do before you met each other? Did either of you have a single hobby? Was Edward at some point a champion fencer? Was Bella really good at doing ''Ocarina of Time'' speed runs?? Give me ONE fucking character motivation outside of this co-dependent, clinging obsession with one another."''

* Episode 59 - ''{{Film/Jem and the Holograms}}''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"Who is playing herself."''

-->'''James:''' ''"Jennifer is absolutely BEWILDERED at the concept of her cute, 16-year-old daughter wearing make-up.

-->'''Damien:''' ''"So, how can we possibly make this better? In a movie Val from'' {{Film/Torque}}'', with Shang Tsung, with Zod...who can possibly complete this...this Caesar salad of cameos? Who are the croutons of this mix?''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"Our cop character, Agent [=MacPherson=], who looks like David Tennant's uglier brother, if that uglier brother had some sort of mutant baby with Billie Joe Armstrong, along with his partner, Agent Henderson, who looks like an extra from ''{{Film/The Matrix}}''. Okay, I have never tried out to be an FBI person, but I imagine it takes a lot of fucking time. They probably don't just hand out jobs to 25-year-olds. This guy looks like he's 25!!! Like, he wrote his thesis on his favorite Death Cab for Cutie album. He's wearing a fucking jacket...the stupidest fucking haircut, some shitty band shirt of a band I can't even see. And like...sneakers! THIS is our tough cop character???"''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"Lilly's blood is in the shape of a heart. I'm begging SOMETHING in this movie to be subtle. ONE THING."''

-->'''Damien:''' '' "Santa then goes, 'Man, we've tried everything!' .......yep. All the things that exist. In the world. A gorilla, a donkey, a pig and a sheep. This is everything. That is the...Anti-Life Equation. The amount of effort that is expended to actually try to get these things to work here is about the same amount of effort I expend when a customer tells me to check in the back for something I know we don't have."''

-->'''Damien:''' (imitating the insane old woman at the end of the movie) '' 'You're here to steal my magic beans! Begone, foul demon!!!' Her acting performance is STELLAR."''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"This movie makes ''{{Film/Double Team}}'' look like a nuanced journey of the human spirit.

-->'''James:''' ''"...Frank shows up wearing khakis, even though he was wearing jeans when they were staking out the place. And then he's wearing jeans again when Okamura gets shot. So, I guess the person controlling his character switched his accessories out, but didn't think the +1 Dockers bonus was worth it, so he kinda just switched it back to the denim."

-->'''Damien:''' ''"This movie makes ''{{Film/DoubleTeam}}'' look like a nuanced journey of the human spirit.

-->'''James:''' ''There are more EXTREME CLOSEUPS in this movie than retcons in the'' Highlander '' franchise.''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"No wonder Main/TommyWiseau is in the sequel--he probably got his lovemaking tips from this movie."

-->'''Damien:''' ''"The greatest crime of ''Deadfall'' isn't the bad writing, the uninspired acting, [or] the nonsensical characterization or plot. The fact that Charlie Sheen doesn't show up until '''after''' Nic Cage dies??? Imagine if Eddie was playing this game. Just put them in a room and say, 'Play billiards for three hours.'"''

-->'''James:''' ''"The green contact lenses she's wearing are so obvious, they make her look like Reptile [from Mortal Kombat]."''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"I just played ''Just Cause 3'' with all the cheats on and shot directly at this Coke machine, and they're all unfazed, because the power of thirst-quenching cola has protected us from napalm!"''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"Joe Marshall is what you would get if you somehow combined Rod from'' {{Film/Birdemic}} ''and [[YorTheHunterfromtheFuture Yor]]. He somehow manages to be a complete black hole of charisma, whilst at the same time soaking the undergarments of every single fucking female he comes in contact with and killing everything in sight."''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"What the fuck did you two [Edward and Bella] do before you met each other? Did either of you have a single hobby? Was Edward at some point a champion fencer? Was Bella really good at doing ''Ocarina of Time'' speed runs?? Give me ONE fucking character motivation outside of this co-dependent, clinging obsession with one another."''