History Quotes / TranquilTirades

-->'''Damien:''' ''"Well, [Sever] failed the mission already. She's nowhere near the Paint N' Spray, and she's got God Mode turned on, and five stars. So, you know what that means--lots more explosions."''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"Joe Marshall is what you would get if you somehow merged Rod from'' {{Film/Birdemic}} ''and [[YorTheHunterfromtheFuture Yor]]. He somehow manages to be a complete black hole of charisma, whilst at the same time soaking the undergarments of every single fucking female he comes in contact with and killing everything in sight."''

* Episode 59 - ''{{Film/Jem and the Holograms}}''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"The problem here is the guy playing Pestilence has clearly had martial arts training...and EdwardFurlong is Edward Furlong."''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"Our cop character, Agent MacPherson, who looks like David Tennant's uglier brother, if that uglier brother had some sort of mutant baby with Billie Joe Armstrong, along with his partner, Agent Henderson, who looks like an extra from ''{{Film/The Matrix}}''.

-->'''James:''' ''"Apparently, her method of...''writing''...is sitting with her gigantic laptop on her couch and talking into her iPhone, which I'm positive was the same phone they used to record all of Eric Robert's lines from across the room in ''Film/ATalkingCat''. We then spend TWO. FUCKING. MINUTES...says her story out loud in random foreign accents that sound like a combination of Russian, Bulgarian and British. It is every bit as fucking horrible as you can imagine."''

-->'''James:''' ''"So, you're sitting there thinking 'This movie can't possibly get any more nonsensical,' and the movie looks back at you and says, 'Hold my beer.'"''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"That should be the IMDb synopsis for this movie."''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"A robot that is one of a kind, incomplete, and a message that will be lost '''FOR...E...VERRRRRR''' like [[TheSandlot a baseball in James Earl Jones' backyard]], if you fuck ANY of this up. It's not a table at IKEA--you can't get a refund."''

* Episode 49 - ''{{Main/New Moon}}''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"No wonder Main/TommyWiseau is in the sequel--he probably got his lovemaking tips from this movie."''

* Episode 9 - ''Film/TheWickerMan'' (2006)

-->'''Damien:''' ''"He needed to go into a trance three times to find out it would be a good idea to throw water at the fire people?!"''

-->'''James:''' ''"One of these goobers actually says, 'The laws of physics apply.' The laws of physics apply??? The laws of physics have been broken so many times in this movie they might as well be the mild suggestions of physics."''

* Episode 65 - ''{{Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus}}''

-->'''James:''' ''"I love how this research sub is going like 75mph, when in reality, they go about half the speed of smell."''

-->'''James:''' ''Okay, so let's break down the physics of this: a gigantic shark, somehow built up enough upward velocity to rocket himself into the air as if he was doing a Sonic the Hedgehog spin dash out of the fucking Hydrocity Zone...somehow managed to fly tens of thousands of feet into the air and chomp down on an airplane that was traveling somewhere in the neighborhood of 550mph...and hold onto it while falling back to the ocean, which is tens of thousands of feet back downward, splash into it at terminal velocity with a fucking airplane in its mouth, and suffer absolutely no ill effects whatsoever. It's pretty bad when I have to say that even in the Asylum Universe's own insane logic, it STILL stretches all plausibility and credibility.''

-->'''Damien:''' ''In this movie, 'science' is literally a verb meaning 'to pour one colored liquid into another.'''

-->'''Damien:''' ''It should say something that I, a lifelong aquaphobic, am unmoved by any of this.''

-->'''James:''' ''I love how this research sub is going like 75mph, when in reality, they go about half the speed of smell.''