- Episode 1 - A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)
Damien: "If The Kurgan was my dad, I'd be a cocky motherfucker."
- Episode 4 - Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever:
Damien: "Well, [Sever] failed the mission already. She's nowhere near the Pay N' Spray, and she's got God Mode turned on, and five stars. So, you know what that means—lots more explosions."
- Episode 9 - The Wicker Man (2006)
James: "One does not simply bike into Mordor."
- Episode 19 - Alone in the Dark (2005):
Damien: "A million monkeys with a million hammers, standing in a line, hitting each other in the head repeatedly, then forced with their fingers to use the brain fluid and blood to draw on a piece of paper could not come up with a script that makes less sense than this movie."
- Episode 20 - The Last Airbender
Damien: "He needed to go into a trance THREE times to find out it would be a good idea to throw WATER at the FIRE people?!"
- Episode 24 - Torque
James: "I don't think I've ever seen so many black guys in the presence of a Monster Magnet show in my life." Damien: "ONE gang member died...California LOSES ITS SHIT." Damien: "Our cop character, Agent MacPherson, who looks like David Tennant's uglier brother, if that uglier brother had some sort of mutant baby with Billie Joe Armstrong, along with his partner, Agent Henderson, who looks like an extra from The Matrix''.
James: "Do these guys just ride bikes and drink Budweisers for a living??"
- Episode 26 - The Crow: Wicked Prayer
Damien: "Lola says they have to sacrifice a virgin before sun-up. This is a complicated spell. You have to cut out the eyes...then you have to turn a heart into a dust...and then you have to sacrifice a virgin...and then you have to find the secret key and the warp whistle somewhere, I guess?" Damien: "Lilly's blood is in the shape of a heart. I'm begging SOMETHING in this movie to be subtle. ONE THING." James: I swear, it's like the costume and makeup designers Google'd "Robert Smith cosplayer" and based their design on that." Damien: "The problem here is the guy playing Pestilence has clearly had martial arts training...and Edward Furlong is Edward Furlong." - Episode 28 - A Talking Cat!?!:
James: "Has there ever in the history of humanity been a more asinine cause-and-effect sentence ever constructed?" (In response to the line,
"If you don't make more cheese puffs, you're grounded!!!")
James: "She says to Trent, 'The investor meeting isn't going well, and I don't have cheese puffs!' What in the name of Zardoz do those two halves of that sentence have to do with each other??? That's like saying, 'The basketball game I was watching was boring, and I have a pumpkin pie to eat!'" - Episode 30 - I Know Who Killed Me:
James: "The writer of this movie, Jeff Hammond, has done literally nothing else. This is the only movie he has ever written."
Damien: "He was vanquished immediately after it was done." Damien: "And by the way, reflexology is bullshit, much like this movie." James: "They reveal that a classmate's body was discovered, and immediately after this, they cut to random Guy Banter douchebag throwing tree limbs into a wood chipper while some stupid fucking song called 'Hat Energy' plays in the background. Tonal shift from Hell, much?" Damien: "The crowd goes nuts, despite the fact that every single shot they show us is of this team getting slaughtered."
James: "Well, when your #1 receiver is a 5'8" white guy..." Damien: "From this point forward, royal blue is going to be shoved into every crevice of this movie...FOR NO REASON." James: "So...this guy, okay, he's not only a piano virtuoso; he is a carpenter, a surgeon, and he makes prosthetics, and he's a glass-blower." Damien: "Should this movie not be titled I Eventually Deduced Who Injured My Twin
? [...] We have a title where NONE of the words are true. 'I know'... You fucking didn't. 'Who Killed'...didn't kill her. 'Me'...wasn't you. "James: "So, this guy was strong enough to take down [Aubrey's father], but he can't handle a scrawny, recovering coke addict stripper who's missing two limbs???"
- Episode 32 - Dragonball Evolution:
Damien: "How did [Piccolo] escape? Where was he hiding this sweet airship? Where was this assistant girl of his while he was trapped? Did she help him escape? Did he recruit her after he escaped? How does no one notice the airship up there?" Damien: "This high school science class is learning about solar eclipses... Is this Science -101?"
James: "Remedial astronomy?" Damien: "'Alright, next scene, let's move on, woo!' Actual excerpt from every page of this script." Damien: "It's a movie high school party, so of course it's at a goddamned mansion with studio lighting." James: "A fight where the "protagonist" throws not a single punch...is the best fight...in a Dragonball
movie. Wowsers." Damien: "You know what this extremely rushed, lazily adapted movie full of underdeveloped characters needed?"
James: "Would that be more characters?"
Damien: "Another character! Yamcha, you know everyone's favorite character if no other Dragonball character ever existed?"
- Episode 33 - Godzilla (1998)
Damien: "By the way, everyone that dies from this point on is basically killed via Death Hug." Damien: "If you wanna write this shit, fine, because if we've proved anything it's that Hollywood screenwriters are fuckin' useless."
- Episode 36 - Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
James: "Apparently, being trapped in a lightning bubble just causes you to look befuddled and move in slow-motion." James: (speaking about the actor playing Nightwolf) "I don't know who this guy is, but God damn, can he ever not act."
Damien: "'Pretty cool, huh?!' Nightwolf is a bro, apparently, and a dick." Damien: "So, he says that Liu Kang has to pass three tests. The first is courage. The second is a drinking contest with Bo Rai Cho. And the third is forgetting all about these tests because they are never brought up again." Damien: "The busty, dark-skinned Jade is played by a petite, light-skinned Bai Ling stunt double."
- Episode 37 - Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation
James: "This backwoods-ass family consisting of Robo-Hick, Leatherdrag, Tone-Deaf Woman, and Bartlett's Familiar Quotations
Subscriber of the Month has a working fire extinguisher?!" Damien: "Quick Quan Chi rant!" Damien: "Self-defenestration, still counts."
- Episode 41 - A Talking Pony
James: "The taller brother is wearing the exact hat from the 'Scumbag' Internet meme." Damien: "This scene is only here to show us that she's smarter than her stepbrothers. She pulls a money-switch trick that anyone working retail for more than two hours would roll their eyes at." Damien: "So, then it's a montage...with honky-tonk piano..."
James: "It's like royalty-free Billy Joel Casio keyboard preset."
Damien: "...of a horse running around confused. This movie has more padding than a fucking Tempur-pedic store."
- Episode 43 - The Happening:
James: There are more EXTREME CLOSEUPS in this movie than ret-cons in the Highlander
franchise. James: "My only note for this is: Mark Wahlberg asks permission from a plastic plant to be able to use the bathroom in a model house where nothing is real."
Damien: "That should be the IMDb synopsis for this movie." Damien: "It's at this point that I realized maybe everyone in this movie isn't just a horrible actor...maybe everyone in this movie is just completely full of shit."
James: (faux-incredulously)
"What??? In an M. Night Shyamalan movie?!" Damien: (imitating the insane old woman at the end of the movie)
'You're here to steal my magic beans! Begone, foul demon!!!' Her acting performance is STELLAR." Damien: "At this point, the Guardian should have just shown up and decapitated everyone. Because this movie at this point needed a mercy killing."'
- Episode 45 - Double Team
James: "Dennis Rodman is on his third or fourth hairdo at this point. I've already lost count. He blends in with the Roman crowd as well as a Gordita Supreme would in a luxury steakhouse." Damien: "Never before has there been a buddy movie where the two people in the film had any less reason to be buddies. You could make a movie starring Morgan Freeman and the guy that played Mc Lovin, and they would have more common ground. You could make a movie with Samuel L. Jackson and Stanley Tucci and they would have more common ground. You could make a movie with Christopher Walken and a bag of baby carrots...and they would have more on-screen chemistry than these two." James: "Sir John Gielgud and Jesse Eisenberg."
Damien: "Daffy Duck and...Heather Mason from Silent Hill 3.
" Damien: "Yaz is undercover as green-haired Dennis fucking Rodman, and Jack is undercover as a member of Color Me Badd."
James: "My note was that he was the illegitimate lovechild of Robert Smith and John Lennon."
Damien: "Three men and a baby then hide behind a COKE MACHINE from the explosion!!!"
James: "...this explosion is the size of a small COUNTRY."
Damien: "I just played Just Cause 3 with all the cheats on and shot directly at this Coke machine, and they're all unfazed, because the power of thirst-quenching cola has protected us from napalm!" - Episode 47 - Samurai Cop
Damien: "Frank is just an unplugged Player 2." Damien: "Here is how sex works in the Samurai Cop
universe. [...] Take off everything but your underwear. Wait for the brightest daylight. Open every window in the house—every single one. Kiss for about...47 hours, while posing for the cover of a Danielle Steele novel, and act like every single moment is the most exhilarating and emotionally fulfilling act you have ever committed, as if you are part of the joining of two souls prepared to wander the abyss of eternity together forever because of how fucking deep your love goes. HE TOUCHED YOUR NIPPLE." Damien: "The guard in this hospital is the guy you get when you can't get Joe Piscopo...and who the FUCK can't get him??? He's not busy." Damien: "I call this character 'Goodbye Nurse'. Because...no." Damien: "No wonder Tommy Wiseau is in the sequel—he probably got his lovemaking tips from this movie." Damien: "Joe Marshall is what you would get if you somehow merged Rod from Birdemic and Yor. He somehow manages to be a complete black hole of charisma, whilst at the same time soaking the undergarments of every single fucking female he comes in contact with and killing everything in sight." Damien: "Then a lawyer shows up, then Joe and Frank show up, then the editor shows up and realizes he still hasn't gotten paid, so he leaves again." Damien: (speaking about the bizarre gay host at the restaurant)
"To call this man a gay stereotype seems like an insult to the tactful and subdued gay stereotypes found in any other media."'
James: "...Frank shows up wearing khakis, even though he was wearing jeans when they were staking out the place. And then he's wearing jeans again when Okamura gets shot. So, I guess the person controlling his character switched his accessories out, but didn't think the +1 Dockers bonus was worth it, so he kinda just switched it back to the denim." Damien: "This movie makes Double Team look like a nuanced journey of the human spirit. James: "What is the obsession in this movie with the color of Frank's dick and/or ass??? And what color did this goon expect it to be? Chartreuse? Fuchsia? Cerulean?"
- Episode 49 - New Moon
Damien: "What the fuck did you two [Edward and Bella]
do before you met each other? Did either of you have a single hobby? Was Edward at some point a champion fencer? Was Bella really good at doing Ocarina of Time speed runs?? Give me ONE fucking character motivation outside of this co-dependent, clinging obsession with one another." Damien: "We then get a montage of our main character...the protagonist of this story...the person we are supposed to be sympathizing with and rooting for...being bedridden and comatose for months...because her boyfriend left her." James: "How many cliches do they cram into this voice-over here? We have 'the hole in my heart', 'the pain is the only reminder'...what else am I forgetting here?" Damien: "She says she wants to stay because she likes the friends she has..."
James: "Oh, FUCK you. FUCK. YOU. I love how in the transition, we hear, 'Hey, Jessica, it's Bella. Yeah, Bella Swan.' The movie flat-out TELLS you that she doesn't even hang out with any of these people!!!" Damien: ''"Bella sees the rape bikers from the first movie? I guess this is supposed to be the same guys?"
James: "I guess because they flash back to it, don't they?"
Damien: "GHOST EDWARD—I........ghost...Edward."
Hannah: "Hallucination Edward..."
Damien: "Scooby-Doo Mystery Machine Where Are You Walk-Through Whoopie Goldberg GHOST.......GHOST EDWARD!!!" Damien: "...Bella decides to go ride off with biker Joss Whedon...because, fuck, I don't know. Okay, first of all Jessica should have just broken up with Bella as a friend right then and there because what the fuck??"
James: "Yeah, Ironically True Line #2: 'You're insane, or suicidal or something.'"
Hannah: "Please go see a psychiatrist, sweetheart..."
Damien: "She then comes back, and says it was a rush. I guess weird biker dude just lets her leave???"
James: "Yeah, uh, how did that go down, exactly?"
Damien: "Yeah, just, 'Thanks for driving me half a couple kilometers, see ya'. And then he just goes, 'Oh, glad to have helped thy lady. Be on your way. Thank you for sampling my fine steed! As you were!' And then he just kisses her hand and leaves? WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE???" Damien: "Bella in a junkyard—why didn't we get that scene?"
- Episode 51 - Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny
Damien: "This song is so horrible and atonal that I'd be surprised if it wasn't the inspiration for a Meshuggah album." Damien: "Santa then goes, 'Man, we've tried everything!' .......yep. All the things that exist. In the world. A gorilla, a donkey, a pig and a sheep. That is life. That is everything. That is the...Anti-Life Equation. The amount of effort that is expended to actually try to get these things to work here is about the same amount of effort I expend when a customer tells me to check in the back for something I know we don't have." Damien: "Mr. Digger says, 'I've been captivated by you since the minute I saw you.' Yeah, I tell you, the way she just stares off into space and reads from those cue cards..."
James: "'I love you with all my heart.' You met her like AN HOUR AGO!!!" James: (imitating a random kid on the beach, and then Santa)
"Santa, what does the merry-go-round and stuff have to do with having faith that everything will turn out alright?" "Ho, ho, ho! Shut the fuck up, you little shit!" James: "The lip-synching here can best be described as an afterthought. This is PAINFULLY bad."
- Episode 53 - Deadfall
James: "Because you know what this boring, meandering con film with no sense of direction needed? Dr. Evil with a metal claw arm. This character fits into the tone and genre of this movie as well as Immortal Technique would at the Republican National Convention." Damien: "The greatest crime of Deadfall isn't the bad writing, the uninspired acting, [or] the nonsensical characterization or plot. The fact that Charlie Sheen doesn't show up until after Nic Cage dies??? Imagine if Eddie was playing this game. Just put them in a room and say, 'Play billiards for three hours.'"
- Episode 54 - An Easter Bunny Puppy
James: "Russ explains that she is a successful writer, which, as a published writer, makes me want to absolutely retch." James: "Apparently, her method of...writing
...is sitting with her gigantic laptop on her couch and talking into her iPhone, which I'm positive was the same phone they used to record all of Eric Robert's lines from across the room in A Talking Cat!?!. We then spend TWO. FUCKING. MINUTES...as she says her story out loud in random foreign accents that sound like a combination of Russian, Bulgarian and British. It is every bit as fucking horrible as you can imagine." Damien: "Okay...no one writes like this. [...] First of all, she's got a notepad...and a laptop...and a phone that she's recording her voice into."
James: "And a microphone."'
Damien: "Yeah. This is how you write: [imitates typing on the keyboard] 'No, that sucks. How about this? No, that sucks. Then you say whatever you've written out loud to yourself and go, 'huh, that doesn't sound too bad; let me continue writing.' And then you go to someone else and you go, 'Hey, does this suck? Okay.' You don't do an audio drama of a book you haven't written yet into a phone and then just transcribe it later. Also, apparently, she's just figuring out plot points as she goes. James: "It wouldn't be a [David] De Coteau film without a single parent and a bratty child." James: "Jennifer is absolutely BEWILDERED at the concept of her cute, 16-year-old daughter wearing make-up." James: "[Jennifer says] 'You can't be a good mystery writer without being able to figure out the clues!' Well, no, since you're the writer, you already know what the clues lead to." Damien: "She's being asked to write a book about an Easter puppy...a week before Easter?"
- Episode 55 - Elektra
Damien: "For all you aspiring assassins out there, remember, you have to wear at least three layers of make-up." Damien: (mocking Elektra's opening dialogue)
"I died once, but I got better. So, really, [...] I've kind of rendered death meaningless with my existence, so anyone I kill in this movie isn't that big a deal." Damien: "There is something that happens in this movie. A lot. Flashbacks...premonitions...dream sequences..."
James: "And I'll give you three guesses as to how many of them make even the slightest iota of sense."
Damien: "If you say 'one', you've overshot your target." Damien: "By the way, it's good to know this monastery has a hefty supply of lipstick and Vidal Sassoon." James: "The green contact lenses she's wearing are so obvious, they make her look like goddamned Reptile [from Mortal Kombat]."''
Damien: "So, how can we possibly make this better? In a movie Val from Torque, with Shang Tsung...with Zod...who can possibly complete this...this Caesar salad of cameos? Who are the croutons of this mix? James: "That would be the crouton known as Natassia Malthe."
Damien: "Who is playing herself."
- Episode 59 - Jem and the Holograms (2015)
James: "I don't know who the sound engineer of this movie was, but I hope he gets kicked in the shin by a football cleat." Damien: "[You're jumping into] the shitty water with: a robot, camera, car keys, and all your clothes."
James: "And phones."
Damien: "A robot that is one of a kind, incomplete, and a message that will be lost FOR...E...VERRRRRR like a baseball in James Earl Jones' backyard, if you fuck ANY of this up. It's not a table at IKEA—you can't get a refund." James: "This movie is killing me, Smalls." Damien: "They then sit under the bridge totally fine, despite the fact that these [girls] are basically sentient glitter and hair dye." Damien: "[Rio] then reveals that Erica is his mom and he hates that they only sign terrible, vapid pop stars that only sing via autotune. They then sing via autotune...whilst I ponder what eating a butterfly knife is like."
James: "What the fuckiest of fucks... Did they just come up with this a capella song off the spur of the moment??? This is a million times worse than the 'Kids' in the Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny workshop coming up with a song about Santa no-showing. These five people just randomly came up with a song about being disrespected out of goddamned nowhere." Damien: "Rio knows all the words to this song."
James: "He has his own part!"
Damien: "A verse that was set aside strictly for him. If it was on an album, it would be 'Jem and the Holograms feat. Rio.'" Damien: "Everyone in this movie is on weapons-grade Prozac."
- Episode 65 - Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus
James: "Okay, so let's break down the physics of this: a gigantic shark, somehow built up enough upward velocity to rocket himself into the air as if he was doing a Sonic the Hedgehog spin dash out of the fucking Hydrocity Zone...somehow managed to fly tens of thousands of feet into the air and chomp down on an airplane that was traveling somewhere in the neighborhood of 550mph...and hold onto it while falling back to the ocean, which is tens of thousands of feet back downward, splash into it at terminal velocity with a fucking airplane in its mouth, and suffer absolutely no ill effects whatsoever. It's pretty bad when I have to say that even in the Asylum Universe's own insane logic, it STILL stretches all plausibility and credibility." Damien: "In this movie, 'science' is literally a verb meaning 'to pour one colored liquid into another."'
Damien: "It should say something that I, a lifelong aquaphobic, am unmoved by any of this." James: "I love how this research sub is going like 75mph, when in reality, they go about half the speed of smell." James: "One of these goobers actually says, 'The laws of physics apply.' The laws of physics apply??? The laws of physics have been broken so many times in this movie they might as well be the mild suggestions of physics."
- Episode 66 - The Spirit
James: "So, you're sitting there thinking 'This movie can't possibly get any more nonsensical,' and the movie looks back at you and says, 'Hold my beer.'"
- Episode 68 - The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
James: "We then get the most forced evil laughter in cinematic history as the Gal Banter, whose name is Blythe (which sounds like a Captain Planet villain) goes 'HA HA HA HA HA...HAAA HA HA HA...'"
