History JustForFun / HowToInvadeAnAlienPlanet

# At the end of the [[ExpospeakGag Planetary-solar rotation cycle]], your best bet may be to remember [[Series/StarTrekDeepSpaceNine Rule of Acquisition #35]]: "Peace is good for business." It's much cheaper in the long run to trade than to invade. If you use this route, however, keep your deals square. Otherwise you'll face a threat worse than any armored or caped or scarfed hero: ''lawyers''.

** Exception: if your civilization is congenitally racist and even the lowest peons regard themselves as better than all other species, you might have a bit of leeway. But be warned, sometimes they can go soft on you and start emphasizing with the native animals.

# While brutal dictatorship is the most obvious and well-tested method of governing an occupied planet, have you considered [[Literature/BraveNewWorld unlimited freedom to indulge]] in [[WesternAnimation/{{WALL-E}} consumption]], booze, [[GovernmentDrugEnforcement drugs]], [[EternalSexualFreedom sex]], food, gewgaws, games, [[SillyLoveSongs idiotic music]], and [[BreadAndCircuses other forms of entertainment]]? ([[TVTropesWillRuinYourLife Internet access is particularly good for this purpose]].) Even if it doesn't turn out to be cheaper than your SecretPolice, it will pay off by ''utterly pacifying'' the populace, who will be so busy buying, eating, drinking, playing, and [[PrecisionFStrike fucking]] that the few people who might have the will to stand up against your regime will be a couple of scattered, self-righteous, egghead intellectuals. If you play your cards right, [[Literature/BraveNewWorld even they will be at a loss at how to overthrow you, consoling themselves with simply being unhappy as a small act of rebellion]].

# Any infiltrators should be closely monitored for defection. Should there be strong or conclusive evidence of such, they should have their security clearance revoked ''immediately'' and be detained in a holding facility, preferably far away from the target planet, ''not'' guarded by anyone they could ever possibly have met, and certainly not anyone sympathetic. And by ''immediately'', we mean "have that changed in the system ''now''." [[BabylonFive Just because you took away their key- and identification cards does not mean that they don't have another stashed away somewhere]].

# You may think it brilliant to simply [[TimeTravel go back to an earlier time in history]]; before your target victims [[Franchise/StarTrek discovered warp-speed, phaser guns, and teleporters]], and the height of their technology are [[TheHitchhikersGuideToTheGalaxy snazzy digital wrist-watches]]. Just remember, chances are you won't be the only one trying to alter history. And folks won't be pleased that you're trying to destroy their ancestors. In addition, be aware of the tendency of primitive humans to have access to magic. Nothing breaks morale more than having half your fleet taken down by a wizard on a hill.

''So you're traveling the space lanes, looking for some ripe planet to [[AlienInvasion invade]] and [[PlanetLooters loot]]. Here are some tips to ensure you don't end up like all the others out there who've [[EasilyThwartedAlienInvasion tried and failed]]. All we request for giving you this information is, should you successfully invade a planet, that you give us some of the fruits of your labor and possibly positions of power on the planet you invaded. Preferably far away from the planet in question.''

!'''Phase One: Motivation and Planning'''

** Corollary: If you ''do'' end up taking cattle (or sheep or pigs or whatever), you had better make sure that you either do it quietly or have indestructible ships, as farmers tend to be rather protective of their bovine (and ovine and porcine) property, and rural folk are the most likely in any country to be highly armed (particularly in the places that raise the most livestock). Either that, or you could trade. Even if you want to take the livestock only once and then breed them, you might want to give us some token payment in exchange for our knowledge of animal husbandry and genetics--chances are, you'll have a lot of negative outcomes with our animals if you don't have this information.

# If the [[DeathWorld air, water, or biota are hostile]], and you can't find a solution that doesn't involve covering your people with inch-thick environment suits, ''leave''. Corollary: If the ecosystems are hostile, and you're after something underground, consider burning the offending biospheres off with an orbital bombardment. Your guys will still be in life support suits, but you'll save money on security.
# Do some basic research on the history of your target planet -- you shouldn't even need to make contact for this as any planet technologically advanced enough to be a threat to you is going to be broadcasting information like crazy. If they've got a history of thwarting invasions and bringing unstoppable galactic juggernauts of destruction to heel? ''[[KnowWhenToFoldEm Run right the fuck away]],'' or if your diplomats are skilled enough, and you can offer a big enough bribe, [[HumansAreWarriors point them at your enemies]]. Naturally, if the inhabitants of your target planet appear to possess [[RuleOfCool implausible levels of martial prowess]], be sure that the information you're observing [[AliensStealCable is non-fiction]].
# ''Never'' make assumptions of how rapidly the native species advances. If you come to a planet [[{{Worldwar}} assuming that they'd still be wielding sticks]] and they're actually developing the atomic bomb, you're in real trouble. [[TabletopGame/{{Warhammer 40000}} Especially if they are now arguably more advanced than you]].

# If the only threat to your rule is isolated or tied down somehow to a single geographic area such as a city or country, ''take care of them last'' - get entrenched first. Conquer everything out of their range of protection first, then lay siege to the remaining area. Use your now-superior amount of the planet's resources to overpower them with sheer numbers ''and'' superior weapons. Both, not either.\\
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Addendum: Some particularly [[HalfLife hardy specimens]] will continue with guerilla warfare even after this point. Carpet-bomb the area when you've got him pinned down. Try rodding them first, so you can go in immediately afterwards. If you have sufficient quantity and shielding, try using free-neutron emitters. If either of those don't work or are unavailable, ''then'' go to [[NukeEm nukes]]. Preferably from orbit. After all, it is the only way to be sure.
# If the planet's defenders are low in number and ill-protected civilians, don't try to take them out in open combat. Local assassins and mob hit contracts work much better due to sheer experience in killing their own, and can't be stopped or detected by anything specialized to fight or detect you, so, before doing anything else, just bribe an amoral greedy native to take out his own defenders first, and make sure they finished the job. ''Then'' invade properly, again beginning with areas the defenders couldn't access if they were still alive (assume that they survived just in case, it won't hurt).
# If for [[TheMasquerade some reason]] you [[Literature/{{Animorphs}} can't identify the defenders]], just carpet-bomb the area once you reach the "invade properly" stage. Once again, try unleashing the neutrons, then rodding, then [[NukeEm nuking]]. No need to make the planet uninhabitable for yourselves.

# If your plan is to, by one means or another, {{terraform}} the planet ''before'' you arrive, take the time to scan the hopefully-hospitable planet before approaching. The [[CommandAndConquer locals may have interfered with the terraforming process]], and at least a few have probably survived, and if - or more likely, ''when'' - they figure out you were responsible for [[TheEndOfTheWorldAsWeKnowIt the end of the world as they knew it]], they will be ''pissed''.

# If your civilization has a piece of LostTechnology that was lost in this sector of space, always ''always'' '''always''' assume that the natives have found it, reverse-engineered it, or know how to use it, and plan accordingly. If you believe that your invasion will be utterly destroyed if the natives use this technology, just don't bother.
# If you are biologically compatible to any degree with the aboriginals, even if it's just being able to consume one another's flesh for nutrients, then make sure not to ignore the issue of germ warfare. If you can eat one another, it means their bacteria can kill you and yours them, and neither of you will have any immunity. Send robotic or [[WeHaveReserves expendable]] scouts in first to collect samples (see the abduction recommendations in the Meeting the Locals section for details), and run a thorough vaccination program on anyone who will come into contact with the natives.\\
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Corollary- try infecting the local population with a disease that your own people are either mostly immune to or only mildly inconvenienced by- although this tactic is one best done ''after'' inoculating your own troops against the indigenous pathogens to avoid a massive backfire. If you're lucky, their population will be devastated and their civilization in utter chaos, making conquering quite easy and leaving large swaths totally unoccupied.
# Check the enemy for signs of a [[JustForFun/IfIAmEverHeadOfAnAlienMonitoringAgency Alien Monitoring Agency]] '''BEFORE''' you invade. If they have a DangerouslyGenreSavvy [[JustForFun/IfIAmEverHeadOfAnAlienMonitoringAgency one]], don't bother. If however the agency is non-existent or is AHalfDozenGuysInABasement, you may be okay. If one of its agents is a certain [[Series/TheXFiles Fox Mulder]], your chances are about 50/50: although [[AgentMulder he knows exactly]]--''exactly''--what you're doing, there's a good chance [[CassandraTruth nobody will believe him anyway]].

# Can you [[AbusingTheKardashevScaleForFunAndProfit trade]] with the locals instead of conquering? Many planets even practice slavery, and they certainly will like your new technology. Just remember to trade them microwave ovens, not death rays.
** Might want to be careful with the microwave oven tech, unless you fancy the risk of being toasted with MASER weaponry.

!'''Phase Two: Meeting the Locals'''
# Hire a really good cultural interpreter to help you get around those [[MyHovercraftIsFullOfEels unfortunate]] [[EitherWorldDominationOrSomethingAboutBananas misunderstandings]] that occur when you are dealing with [[StarfishLanguage alien language]] and customs. It really damages any occupation attempt when the first thing thing the locals hear you say is [[MyHovercraftIsFullOfEels how your hovercraft is full of eels]] rather than how your spacecraft is full of orbital-bombardment cannons.
# If you wish to [[PlayingWithSyringes "learn"]] about the anatomy/biology of the locals before destroying them (and still wish to remain hidden), make sure you abduct specimens who either won't be missed or won't be reported missing, i.e. a homeless local or someone who lives in the middle of nowhere.
# Unless you implant some sort of mind control device into the specimen without killing them, never, ''ever'' release them back into the general public if you don't want your cover blown. Although, depending on the species, the others may or may not believe the abductee. [[WhatCouldPossiblyGoWrong It still doesn't hurt to not]] [[TemptingFate take a chance.]]
** Also, be ''absolutely certain'' that the abductee isn't an associate of a future LaResistance leader and/or member.
** The way to tell is that female leaders of LaResistance are always irresistible to young male members of the human race. Male members are always skilled in all forms of combat, so you considering how you were able to carry out the abduction in the first place might be wise.
** Alternatively, just try and steal some of the native's own studies on their biology, they've spent much longer than you at learning their own anatomy.

# If you [[WeComeInPeaceShootToKill don't come in peace]], don't even bother and just start invading. Any time you spend learning about and infiltrating ''them'' via subterfuge and public relations is time you are giving them to learn about ''you'' and your weaknesses and limitations via spying, ill-conceived dropped factoids, and basic behavioral habits.

# Helpful hint: appearing out of nowhere [[Film/IndependenceDay over dozens of cities at once in giant ominous spacecraft]] is not good for public relations. Figure out how the natives communicate and [[IComeInPeace talk to]] [[TakeMeToYourLeader their leaders]] a bit first. Give them time to prepare for the culture shock. The exception is if you immediately start obliterating said cities. See Phase Three.

# If you are really [[{{V}} reptilian monsters]] underneath those disguises, have a contingency plan for when the natives figure this out. Better yet, come as yourselves. The natives will get over it faster than if they find out you're hiding something.\\
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Corollary: The great thing about being up front about your non-nativeness is that no one will ever imagine you can use spies, moles, saboteurs or [[Series/BattlestarGalacticaReimagined sleeper agents]]. Won't the natives be surprised when anyone from the janitor to their [[TakeMeToYourLeader supreme leader]] [[TheyLookLikeUsNow can be one of you?]]

# Don't try to supplant the natives' religion. It never goes well. Instead of friendly natives, you've now got a bunch of mindless grovelling sycophants and a bunch of violently outraged fanatics who will stop at nothing to kill you.
# If you're sending scouts down to the planet, make sure none of them are the type to [[Film/{{Avatar}} sympathize with the natives]] and either [[DefectorFromDecadence defect]] or [[BattleForTerra sabotage your plans]].\\
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Corollary: don't mistreat or kill your own workers. They will defect and they will tell the natives exactly how to crush you. Exception: if your people is congenitally racist and even the lowest peons regard themselves better than all other species, you might have a bit of leeway. However, be warned: sometimes they can overcome the programming.
# Analyze all native government and military databases, especially [[GovernmentAgencyOfFiction small or little-known organizations]]. Also look into [[AllMythsAreTrue native legends and myths]]. If they indicate that your intended conquest has an [[Series/DoctorWho alien protector]], a [[Series/StargateSG1 secret military unit that has already made contact with far more advanced alien species and defeated them by employing guerilla tactics]], a [[Series/{{Torchwood}} stockpile of alien artifacts]], or some other [[SealedGoodInACan recurring righter of wrongs]], run. [[KnowWhenToFoldEm Just run.]]

# If normally objective scientists suddenly claim an ostensibly supernatural phenomenon, such as [[Film/{{Avatar}} the natives' version of God]], is both real and scientifically verifiable, do not dismiss them out of hand, no matter how much easier ignoring it would be. Halt all operations that might be affected, have their results verified by independent scientists, and tested by another group of scientists, with full procedures observed as much as possible. If they are correct, modify or cancel operations accordingly.
# If [[MarsNeedsWomen the natives are attractive to you and there are enough genetic and physiological compatibility factors to make mating feasible,]] win them over by offering them a life of leisure, luxury, and pampering. Do not attempt to abduct and [[SexSlave sexually enslave them]] -- neither they nor their mates will appreciate that very much.

!'''Phase Three: Conquering the Locals'''
# Study the native technology to make sure that your super-advanced weaponry isn't [[CoolButInefficient startlingly]] [[AwesomeButImpractical inferior]] to its [[RockBeatsLaser mundane equivalent]].\\
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Corollary: ''Never'' underestimate the enemy's ability to [[StarWars improvise]].\\
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Second Corollary: Analyze their technology from every possible angle. Is there anything seemingly harmless that [[SuperweaponSurprise could be used as a powerful weapon]]? Be sure not to overlook [[WeaponizedExhaust easily-weaponized non-weapons technology]] when making a threat assessment! (See those [[KnownSpace big cats]] over there? Ask them about this one; will ''they'' have stories to tell). Keep in mind that [[ProudWarriorRaceGuy depending on]] [[HumansAreWarriors the species]], an effective LotusEaterMachine and an [[IKnowMortalKombat advanced military training simulator]] may turn out to be [[WarriorHeaven the same thing]].\\
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Third Corollary: Make sure they can't use your weapons or [[{{X-COM}} easily reverse engineer them]]. Your technological advantage in combat exists only as long as you and your allies are the only ones using said technology.\\
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Fourth Corollary: Don't be too proud to steal ideas. If it works well against you, it might work well against others.
# Rig any of your technology that the natives could possibly capture with a [[FailsafeFailure foolproof]] remote-controlled [[SelfDestructMechanism self-destruct mechanism]].\\
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Corollary: Make sure the enemy is not skilled in HollywoodHacking first. Nothing quite compares to your invasion force dramatically exploding moments from final victory.\\
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Second Corollary: Make sure that you have an override code to execute this destruct in the event your people try to use the equipment they were issued against you.

# If your invasion armada has [[TheMothership a mothership]], make sure it's indistinguishable from the rest of the fleet. [[KeystoneArmy Doubly so if its destruction would disable your armed forces]].\\
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Corollary: it might be worth it to invest into telecommunications and keep the mothership in orbit where it can't be taken out by [[StarCraft 12 marines with rifles]].\\
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Corollary: Expect the best native tactician to [[EndersGame spend hours studying recordings of your maneuvers]] searching for weak points. You mothership should not be recognizable even under this level of scrutiny.\\
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Corollary: If you absolutely ''have'' to have an ostentatious mothership, have at least one class of ship that is bigger and more obvious, or make it part of a regular class of ships. To many civilizations, BiggerIsBetter is usually an indicator of major firepower or command, and will tend to focus efforts on them.\\
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Corollary: A single small ship hanging back from the main engagement is ''also'' an obvious target and therefore a bad place to command your operations from, especially since actions against it will tend towards using a RagtagBunchOfMisfits who may well be more effective than the regular enemy force.\\
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Corollary: Your mothership, as well as the rest of the fleet, should be equiped with [[CloakingDevice stealth technology]].

# If your objective is to conquer the planet and KillAllHumans, just ''do it''. Don't beat around the bush -- if you've traveled across light-years to get here, you've gotta have some pretty decent weaponry. The longer you wait under the [[WeComeInPeaceShootToKill pretense of being friendly]], the longer the natives have to organize a resistance and find your weaknesses... or [[SummonBiggerFish call for help]].\\
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Corollary: If you are going to KillAllHumans, damn well finish the job. Those scattered bands of pitiful survivors may look pathetic and harmless ''now'', but give them a few generations to build up their numbers and you have a bunch of [[Literature/BattlefieldEarth determined]], bitter opponents who are very good at not dying.\\
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Second Corollary: If your interest is not specifically in wiping out ''only'' the dominant race, consider [[DeathFromAbove orbital]] [[ColonyDrop kinetic]] [[ApocalypseHow bombardment]] that will reduce your target planet to, at best, a blasted wasteland and at worst a pile of molten slag.
# Put a firewall on your MasterComputer so they can't disable your DeflectorShields [[Film/IndependenceDay with the Melissa virus]].
# If an older model scout ship that you lost contact with decades ago suddenly shows up in the middle of your invasion and wants to dock with your mothership, don't let it. Quarantine it and make sure that it's not the natives [[DressingAsTheEnemy pulling some trick on you]]. In fact, [[NoNonsenseNemesis just shoot it]]; even if it ''is'' the pilot that was shot down, they've probably either gone native or developed Stockholm Syndrome by now.

# Don't try to break up the inevitable LaResistance with heavy handed police state tactics. Ignore them -- if your {{Masquerade}} is good enough, nobody will believe them.

# Recall that [[{{Planetville}} a planet is not a city]], and thus any attempt to conquer one [[SciFiWritersHaveNoSenseOfScale is roughly equivalent to a world war]] and not [[EasilyConqueredPlanet a small battle]], and that planets, unlike cities, can be and usually are entirely self-sufficient. Make sure that you have either sufficient technological superiority/firepower to render any of the natives' numerical and logistical advantages useless, or get yourself a billion-soldier army, a million-man planning department, and get ready for several years of potentially fruitless hard slog.\\
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''Corollary'': Congratulations! You've just [[SpaceBattle destroyed the defending fleet in orbit around the planet]]! One problem: there's still the planet itself. Remember this military maxim: "You can bomb it, you can strafe it, you can cover it with poison, you can turn it into glass, but you don't own it unless your infantry's on it and the other guy's isn't." In other words, despite your victory in the void, you probably don't have a single boot on the ground; the planet is thus still entirely in the hands of your enemy, and therefore ''not'' conquered and still hostile. Now you have do decide: Do you even want the planet? If so, do you have to keep the surface intact and the natives alive? If you think that the answer is "yes" to either question, see immediately above. Is it worth it given the cost? (Don't succumb to the SunkCostFallacy!) If you don't want it or if the cost is too high, just bombard it from space [[VideoGame/{{Homeworld}} before the locals send their stockpile of ICBMs your way]].

# If your goal is to [[PuppeteerParasite take over the natives' bodies]] [[Literature/{{Animorphs}} to use as your own]], then your ''entire'' invading force is [[TheMole Moles]]. You are in the perfect position to conquer without anyone even knowing you're there until it's too late; overt acts of conquest, however, ''[[Literature/{{Animorphs}} Esplin 9466-alpha]]'', will just alert the natives to your presence and get them to mount a defense/resistance. On the other hand, you're in an ideal situation to use a [[HumansAreWarriors sufficiently xenophobic and violent]] host species to do the dirty work of eliminating your interstellar enemies for you.
# Remember that hackers may [[HollywoodHacking break into your computers]] and destroy them with a ComputerVirus. Sometimes it's because [[ETGaveUsWiFi because their technology was reverse engineered from yours]], and sometimes... [[MagicalComputer well, sometimes they just get lucky]].

!'''Phase Four: Ruling the Locals'''
# Once you've conquered your planet of choice, begin reading up on [[EvilOverlordList the proper]] [[Literature/ThePrince governing documents]].
# If you do end up having to fight LaResistance, consider using your advanced technology to build some decent, reliable ranged weapons. [[NeverBringAKnifeToAFistFight Hand to hand combat]] is ''so'' last century, and the natives will probably [[ZergRush outnumber you]]. Exception: If [[DeflectorShields shield]] technology has developed [[{{Dune}} in such a manner that only slow objects can penetrate them]], [[GunsAreUseless guns are, of course, useless]], and you may freely ignore the above advice. However, [[{{Dune}} should there be situations where the enemy is not using/cannot use shields]], be sure to have ranged weapons in reserve.

# For that matter, don't take the aboriginals as [[Literature/BattlefieldEarth slaves or pets]]. They may look cute and/or harmless, but it's just not safe in the long run. On the other hand, providing good living conditions, health care, and good pay (in currency worthless to you) can work quite well so long as your own people don't have obviously superior living conditions. As slaves, aboriginals are nothing but trouble. As valued employees (or so they think), [[KnownSpace aboriginals may prove surprisingly useful]].
# ''[[Film/BattlefieldEarth Pay attention]]'' to your conquered territory. If you're not going to administer it yourself, at least garrison it with your own people. [[StarControl Assigning one set of slaves to keep an eye on another]] is just asking for trouble.
# Keep a close eye on any [[TheQuisling turncoats]] that have joined your side. If they're willing to betray their own species, their words of loyalty aren't worth squat; [[RewardedAsATraitorDeserves reward them appropriately.]] [[ReverseMole And some of them aren't really working for you at all.]]\\
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Corollary: On the other hand, don't ''entirely'' distrust your turncoat lackeys. They can be used to [[VichyEarth mask your rule with a "local" face]]. The more you keep the same under your rule as when the planet was independent, the less the locals will even notice that you're there, and the more likely they'll dismiss LaResistance as paranoid lunatics.
# While brutal dictatorship is the most obvious and well-tested method of governing an occupied planet, have you considered [[Literature/BraveNewWorld unlimited freedom to indulge]] in [[WesternAnimation/{{WALL-E}} consumption]], booze, [[GovernmentDrugEnforcement drugs]], [[EternalSexualFreedom sex]], food, gewgaws, games, [[SillyLoveSongs idiotic music]], and [[BreadAndCircuses other forms of entertainment]]? ([[TVTropesWillRuinYourLife Internet access is particularly good for this purpose]].) While possibly more expensive than the alternative (on the other hand, perhaps not--guns, SecretPolice, and torture chambers can be awfully expensive), it will pay off by ''utterly pacifying'' the populace, who will be so busy buying, eating, drinking, playing, and [[PrecisionFStrike fucking]] that the few people who might have the will to stand up against your regime will be a couple of scattered, self-righteous egghead intellectuals. If you play your cards right, [[Literature/BraveNewWorld even they will be at a loss at how to overthrow you, consoling themselves with simply being unhappy as a small act of rebellion]].
#Use [[TheQuisling quislings]] well. They work great for putting a native face on your policies, and sentients take orders better from their own kind. Some native will be willing to help the occupation for luxury for their family and very little real power.

!'''Phase Five: Worst-Case Scenarios'''

# Above all, ''KnowWhenToFoldEm''. Know when to walk away. Know when to run. Sometimes, it's just not worth it. And if you absolutely HAVE to wipe out the planet for your own survival, swallow your pride and go for the PyrrhicVictory where you wipe out the entire planet and just forget the resources.
# Also, keep this in mind. If your ship's sensors do a scan of the planet's surface and detect [[Series/DoctorWho a small, blue box innocently sitting there]], then the only option is to turn tail and run. Run like an angry god is chasing you... because, frankly, one is. (Sure, there's lots of non-Tardis Police boxes. Can you afford the consequences of not identifying the one you have to worry about?)\\
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Exception: If you can trick the governments of the world into doing something [[MoralEventHorizon horrific enough to cause this guardian to turn away in shame]], you only need to deal with [[Series/{{Torchwood}} some Welsh bisexuals]]. Still an unpleasant fight, but it's better odds. Likewise, if your surveillance of the planet below reveals a long history of [[SuperSentai giant]] [[PowerRangers robots]], then don't even waste your time, because there is ''no way'' this will end well for you.\\
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Corrollary: Run ''constant'' sweeps for any and all potential threats at all times; nothing is more embarrassing than someone you know can and ''will'' wipe your forces to a man showing up because you only swept for threats on arrival. Things to watch out for include [[TengenToppaGurrenLagann mecha sporting]] CoolShades, [[Franchise/StarTrek saucer-shaped cruisers]], the Film/MenInBlack, [[SwordOfTheStars starships with ring-shaped FTL systems]], [[{{Metroid}} Samus Aran]], [[{{Halo}} the Spartans]], PoweredArmor-wearing [[HalfLife bespectacled physicists]] with [[WeaponOfChoice crowbars]], [[SuperHero vigilantes in colorful costumes who casually defy the laws of physics]] or [[Franchise/StargateVerse covert military units with "SG" in the name]] - any one of those (''especially'' the last ones) showing up are ''very'' prone to wrecking your shit beyond your ability to contain.
# In case of complete rout and really serious worst case scenarios, make sure you have a [[StarWars Death Star]] on hand or have [[{{Spore}} bought a planet buster from a friendly empire]]. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses, accept that you can never conquer Earth, and [[EarthShatteringKaboom just blow it up]]. Of course, watch out for [[RagtagBunchOfMisfits small groups of plucky heroes]] in or out of spaceships - because those guys will always manage to blow up your Big Death Thing.

# At the end of the [[ExpospeakGag Planetary-solar rotation cycle]], your best bet may be to remember [[Series/StarTrekDeepSpaceNine Rule of Acquisition #35]]: "Peace is good for business." It's much cheaper in the long run to trade than to invade. The above should tell you that #34 only applies in narrow circumstances. If you use this route, however, keep your deals square. Otherwise you just wind up with the same set of problems as above, only now they might bring ''lawyers''. Give me a photon torpedo to the face before such a fate as ''that''.
# If it is a factor, beware alerting an Intergalactic SpacePolice to move in and stop you, especially an [[TheChosenMany elite]] [[GreenLantern stateless one handpicked for their ethics and fearlessness]] with the imagination to use their standard [[ImaginationBasedSuperpower wonder weapon]] to maximum effect. Sure, you might be able to take out the local operative, but can you do it before they can call for [[TheCavalry backup]]?

Corrollary: Run ''constant'' sweeps for any and all potential threats at all times; nothing is more embarrassing than someone you know can and ''will'' wipe your forces to a man showing up because you only swept for threats on arrival. Things to watch out for include [[TengenToppaGurrenLagann mecha sporting]] CoolShades, [[Franchise/StarTrek saucer-shaped cruisers]], the Film/MenInBlack, [[SwordOfTheStars starships with ring-shaped FTL systems]], [[{{Metroid}} Samus Aran]], [[{{Halo}} the Spartans]], PoweredArmor-wearing [[HalfLife bespectacled physicists]] with [[WeaponOfChoice crowbars]], or [[Franchise/StargateVerse covert military units with "SG" in the name]] - any one of those (''especially'' the last ones) showing up are ''very'' prone to wrecking your shit beyond your ability to contain.

# At the end of the [[ExpospeakGag Planetary-solar rotation cycle]], your best bet may be to remember [[StarTrekDeepSpaceNine Rule of Acquisition #35]]: "Peace is good for business." It's much cheaper in the long run to trade than to invade. The above should tell you that #34 only applies in narrow circumstances. If you use this route, however, keep your deals square. Otherwise you just wind up with the same set of problems as above, only now they might bring ''lawyers''. Give me a photon torpedo to the face before such a fate as ''that''.

# Check the air and water first to make sure they aren't [[NoBiochemicalBarriers toxic to your kind]]. [[Film/{{Signs}} If you're invading a Class M planet but your species has a lethal reaction to H2O]], [[TooDumbToLive natural selection hasn't been doing its job]].

''If instead you want to destroy the place, go to WhyYouShouldDestroyThePlanetEarth.''
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# Recall that [[{{Planetville}} a planet is not a city]], and thus any attempt to conquer one [[SciFiWritersHaveNoSenseOfScale is roughly equivalent to a world war]] and not a small battle, and that planets, unlike cities, can be and usually are entirely self-sufficient. Make sure that you have either sufficient technological superiority/firepower to render any of the natives' numerical and logistical advantages useless, or get yourself a billion-soldier army, a million-man planning department, and get ready for several years of potentially fruitless hard slog.\\

Corrollary: Run ''constant'' sweeps for any and all potential threats at all times; nothing is more embarrassing than someone you know can and ''will'' wipe your forces to a man showing up because you only swept for threats on arrival. Things to watch out for include [[TengenToppaGurrenLagann mecha sporting]] CoolShades, [[Franchise/StarTrek saucer-shaped cruisers]], the Film/MenInBlack, [[SwordOfTheStars starships with ring-shaped FTL systems]], [[{{Metroid}} Samus Aran]], [[{{Halo}} the Spartans]] and PoweredArmor-wearing [[HalfLife bespectacled physicists]] with [[WeaponOfChoice crowbars]] - any one of those (''especially'' the last ones) showing up are ''very'' prone to wrecking your shit beyond your ability to contain.

# If [[MarsNeedsWomen the natives are attractive to you and there are enough genetic and physiological compatibility factors to make mating feasible,]] offer them a life of leisure, luxury, and pampering as beloved paramours. Do not attempt to kidnap and [[SexSlave sexually enslave them]] -- neither they nor their mates will appreciate that very much.

Corollary: If you are going to KillAllHumans, damn well finish the job. Those scattered bands of pitiful survivors may look pathetic and harmless ''now'', but give them a few generations to build up their numbers and you have a bunch of [[BattlefieldEarth determined]], bitter opponents who are very good at not dying.\\

# For Xenu's sake, if you ''have'' conquered the populace, [[BattlefieldEarth don't take one of your enslaved locals to a preserved library full of technical manuals, scientific journals, treatises on military history, and inspiring historical documents]], [[JustBetweenYouAndMe just so you can gloat about how none of it will help them]]. They always seem to stumble upon their version of the Declaration of Independence, and then you might as well just bring out the white flag.

# For that matter, don't take the aboriginals as [[BattlefieldEarth slaves or pets]]. They may look cute and/or harmless, but it's just not safe in the long run. On the other hand, providing good living conditions, health care, and good pay (in currency worthless to you) can work quite well so long as your own people don't have obviously superior living conditions. As slaves, aboriginals are nothing but trouble. As valued employees (or so they think), [[KnownSpace aboriginals may prove surprisingly useful]].
# ''[[BattlefieldEarth Pay attention]]'' to your conquered territory. If you're not going to administer it yourself, at least garrison it with your own people. [[StarControl Assigning one set of slaves to keep an eye on another]] is just asking for trouble.

# If [[MarsNeedsWomen the female natives are attractive to you and there are enough genetic and physiological compatibility factors to make mating feasible,]] offer them a life of leisure, luxury, and pampering as beloved paramours. Do not attempt to kidnap and [[SexSlave sexually enslave them,]] neither they nor the males of their species will appreciate that very much.

# If your objective is to conquer the planet and KillAllHumans, just ''do it''. Don't beat around the bush -- if you've traveled across light-years to get here, you've gotta have some pretty decent weaponry. The longer you wait under the [[WeComeInPeaceShootToKill pretense of being friendly]], the longer the natives have to organize a resistance and find your weaknesses... or [[SummonBiggerFish call for help]].\\
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# If the planet you plan to invade is called [[PlanetTerra Terra]] and populated by a race called humans, reconsider your plans. Humans are [[SociopathicHero incurably violent]], [[HumansAreWarriors exceedingly fond of warfare]], and have [[HadToBeSharp spent thousands of years dealing with other humans]] who are a far more formidable foe then all your wussy, over-refined, so-called soldiers. A better idea is to hire humans as [[HiredGuns mercenaries]] to conquer other planets. This way your [[TheEmpire empire]] will increase in size even more and humans will find pleasant employment in [[HumansKillWantonly wanton slaughter]]. Everyone will be happy. But if you see humanity as a threat, not as an easy conquest, the only way to beat humanity involves a PyrrhicVictory where you kill off humanity but also waste a lot of resources and get nothing in return because there is no remaining planet.\\
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If you follow this policy, be sure you treat your humans nicely. Otherwise they kinda have a habit of rebelling and [[GalacticConqueror overthrowing empires]] in massive interstellar war, whereupon they set themselves up as [[HumansAreLeaders rulers]] of their own [[TheEmpire empire]]. Nonetheless, if you treat humans well and give them favor and the like, they'll usually become a very important part of your empire's cohesivity. [[TurnedAgainstTheirMasters Uuuuuuuusually.]]. If that happens, don't be afraid to go all out on Earth and don't fall under the delusion that Earth is an easy target. It's not.

Corollary: A single small ship hanging back from the main engagement is ''also'' an obvious target and therefore a bad place to command your operations from, especially since actions against it will tend towards using a RagtagBunchOfMisfits who may well be more effective than the regular enemy force.

Corollary: Your mothership, as well as the rest of the fleet, should be equiped with [[CloakingDevice stealth technology]].\\

Corollary: Your mothership, as well as the rest of the fleet, should be equiped with [[CloakingDevice stealth technology]].

# If your objective is to conquer the planet and KillAllHumans, just ''do it''. Don't beat around the bush -- if you've traveled across light-years to get here, you've gotta have some pretty decent weaponry. The longer you wait under the [[WeComeInPeaceShootToKill pretense of being friendly]], the longer the natives have to organize a resistance and find your weaknesses... or [[SummonBiggerFish call for help]].\\

** Corollary: If you ''do'' end up taking cattle (or sheep or pigs or whatever), you had better make sure that you either do it quietly or have indestructible ships, as farmers tend to be rather protective of their bovine (and ovine and porcine) property. Either that, or you could trade. Even if you want to take the livestock only once and then breed them, you might want to give us some token payment in exchange for our knowledge of animal husbandry and genetics--chances are, you'll have a lot of negative outcomes with our animals if you don't have this information.

# Analyze all native government and military databases, especially [[GovernmentAgencyOfFiction small or little-known organizations]]. Also look into [[AllMythsAreTrue native legends and myths]]. If they indicate that your intended conquest has an [[Series/DoctorWho alien protector]], a [[StargateSG1 secret project that has already made contact with alien species]], a [[Series/{{Torchwood}} stockpile of alien artifacts]], or some other [[SealedGoodInACan recurring righter of wrongs]], run. [[KnowWhenToFoldEm Just run.]]

# If [[MarsNeedsWomen the female natives are attractive to you and there are enough genetic and physiological compatibility factors to make mating feasible,]] offer them a life of leisure, luxury, and pampering as beloved concubines. Do not attempt to kidnap and [[SexSlave sexually enslave them,]] neither they nor the males of their species will appreciate that very much.

Corollary: The great thing about being up front about your non-nativeness is that no one will ever imagine you can use spies, moles, saboteurs or [[BattlestarGalactica sleeper agents]]. Won't the natives be surprised when anyone from the janitor to their [[TakeMeToYourLeader supreme leader]] [[TheyLookLikeUsNow can be one of you?]]

# If normally objective scientists suddenly claim an ostensibly supernatural phenomenon, such as [[{{Avatar}} the natives' version of God]], is both real and scientifically verifiable, do not dismiss them out of hand, no matter how much easier ignoring it would be. Halt all operations that might be affected, have their results verified by independent scientists, and tested by another group of scientists, with full procedures observed as much as possible. If they are correct, modify or cancel operations accordingly.