History Funny / ZeroPunctuation5

--> '''Yahtzee:''' I might have appreciated a few slighty more freeform levels that focus more on stylish demon shooting than on following one highly-specific linear path to the end, but ''Neon White'' wants to be more speed-puzzle game than stylish-shooter, and that's fine with me. Would that more of us could be so certain of what they want! Plonk yourself down in my barber's chair and say "Numberthreebuzzcut!" and I'm like "Yes, ''sir!''" Better than games that come in and go "Ooh, I don't know, make half my head short and the other half curly, and spray paint the top part green, and the bottom part the color of ''your'' choice so that you have a sense of personal ownership of my haircut." And then I'm like "''BITCH'', don't come in here with your complete lack of indecisiveness and then say it's for ''my'' benefit!" Don't shove half a pineapple up my pisshole and call it a juice cleanse!

-->Now, Nintendo is a big company with a lot on their plate between making Mario pencilcases and removing Princess Peach panty shots from ''Smash Bros.'', so they did with Pelloni's application what they presumably do with any correspondence from wide-eyed random no-name twats: shunted it to the end of the priority list between trimming Donkey Kong's eyelashes and designing a controller that doesn't suck. And this is where the story of ''Bob's Game'' takes its whoops-we-don't-say-that-anymore turn. You might charitably say that Robert Pelloni was one of those people who had little time for the world outside his own mind. I might less charitably say he had his head so far up his arse he was getting teabagged by his own gallbladder.

* The RunningGag of the episode where every time Robert Pelloni has some big news to announce, the announcement is always met with "a resounding 'Okay.'" At the end, when Pelloni announces that he is cancelling the successful Website/{{Kickstarter}} for the game and giving the money back, so much time has passed that the reaction is somewhat different:

* Yahtzee's discription of how Robert Pelloni, despite some positive intial reactions, doggedly kept insisting that the only platform he make an official release for was UsefulNotes/Nintendo3DS:

-->And this is where the story of ''Bob's Game'' takes its whoops-we-don't-say-that-anymore turn. You might charitably say that Robert Pelloni was one of those people who had little time for the world outside his own mind. I might less charitably say he had his head so far up his arse he was getting teabagged by his own gallbladder.

[[folder: Card Shark and POSTAL: Brain Damaged]]
[[/folder]]

[[folder: Bob's Game]]
[[/folder]]

[[folder: Bob’s Game]]

'''Yahtzee:''' You play an edgy dude in a suit with {{too many belts}}, voiced by the great Creator/SteveBlum wearing his ''Cowboy Bebop'' hat, and he was once part of a ''CRIME GANG'' that operated more along the lines of a best friends treehouse club, and consisted of bog standard archetypes: slacker idiot friend, hot girl, ''loud girl''. Loud girl displaying the usual slightly ill-advised student webcomic definition of insanity...\\

* The rundown of the eight characters only mentions six of them and only at the most basic level, except noting that one of them "was probably very grateful that the zombie apocalypse meant he didn’t have to go to his court hearing for joining the January 6 riots."
-->'''Imp:''' Man he put a lot more effort into this for ''VideoGame/OctopathTraveler''.

-->'''Yahtzee:''' There are some new features. Most notably, the main character has a miraculous and innovative new piece of equipment called "a personality." Robin, for ’tis her name, comes to an alien ice planet to uncover the truth behind the death of her sister. The [[EvilInc evil corporation]] that runs the ''Subnautica'' universe keeps saying it was an accident but every time they say it [[TraitorShot they sort of very unsubtly wink to someone standing off to the side]] so obviously we're going to trust them about as far as the distance between [[PedoPhilePriest a Catholic schoolteacher’s knees]]. But the inciting dead sister plot element kinda fades away from the game unless you’re the kind of sucker who actually pays attention to audio logs, and after Robin gets an alien AI stuck in her head like it's the theme song from a [[TheNineties 90's]] Creator/{{Disney}} cartoon...\\
'''Robin:''' ''(singing)'' [[WesternAnimation/DuckTales Life is like a hurricane...]]\\

* Yahtzee mocks the TestosteronePoisoning of the TableTopGame/Warhammer40000:

-->'''Yahtzee:''' ''Videogame/{{Deathloop}}'' comes to us from [[Creator/ArkaneStudios the creators]] of ''VideoGame/{{Dishonored}}'' and ''[[VideoGame/Prey2017 Prey]]'' -- or to give it its full title, ''Not That [[VideoGame/Prey2006 Prey]], The Other Prey''.

-->'''Imp:''' Man he put a lot more effort into this for ''Videogame/OctopathTraveler''.

-->'''Yahtzee:''' I mean, there were so many different people and places and levels of technology involved it's basically just as versatile as setting a shooter [[RecycledInSpace in space]]. Not that I think you should set them in space. Hey! ''Call of Duty''! I said '''''don't''''' do that! No, stop! Oh fuck, [[VideoGame/CallOfDutyInfiniteWarfare they set one in space]]. Fetch the mop.

'''Yahtzee:''' Sounds like you already know how you feel about it, viewers. Why should I make myself miserable all week just to rephrase established general opinion through a lens of dick jokes and progressively changing the title into something irreverent? Tell you what, let's just list off all the things I would have called it right now: ''Diablo Immortal'', ''Diablo Immoral'', ''Diablo Impoverishing'', ''Diablo Income Statement'', ''Diablo Music/InAGaddaDaVida''.

-->'''Yahtzee:''' Who's the dude who looks like if Robert Smith from Music/TheCure turned into a Pokémon? Is he supposed to be the {{Satan}}-like villain who's causing everyone's problems in an attempt to sow discord in the world of men? 'Cos [[PokeThePoodle the problems are so mundane]] [[SympathyForTheDevil I kinda feel bad for the guy]]. He's clearly gotten way overdressed for the occasion and every time he shows up in gameplay he gets his dark and brooding bum cheeks handed to him in two minutes flat.

--> Completely devoted to each other and completely round the houses bat shit banana sandwich kill crazy on all fours
* The end credits has a {{Main/Bilingual Bonus}} that roughly translates to

-->'''Yahtzee:''' ...Our Worst Game of 2021 is a rather unique vintage that combines its mystifyingly bad design choices with an unflinching earnestness that makes it car-crash fascinating, like a chorus line dancer with a compound fracture, spraying blood from their exposed shinbone over the front row with every high kick and trying desperately to smile. Yes, it's ''VideoGame/{{Balan|Wonderworld}} [[MaliciousMisnaming Thunderpants]]''. This may very well be the sort of thing SWERY would make if he took a game design lesson, if it was a lesson given by a slug in a burning dumpster in the middle of a busy road [[EscalatingPunchline who... doesn't know anything about game design]].

-->'''Yahtzee:''' They'll use the same aesthetics and the same characters with the same traits if some slight changes to the backstories but recast them all with their fucking {{stunt double}}s. Oh, I'm sure there's some cunty bureaucratic reason.[[note]]Or the actors don't have the time/don't want to, Yahtz[[/note]] I'm sure the fact that it's technically a new adaptation means some twat in a suit banked two paychecks this week, but try explaining that to the heartbroken kiddywinks wanting to know why Star Lord is no longer loveable huggable Creator/ChrisPratt but instead some thuggish fratboy cunt with a steam iron for a face and a haircut that makes him look like the result of the unplanned anal pregnancy of both ''WesternAnimation/BeavisAndButthead''.

'''Yahtzee:''' Now you’ve got the UncannyValley effect that comes from everyone emoting like ''Series/ThomasTheTankEngine'' characters.\\

* The opening demonstration of the "''Borderlands'' method" of “comedy” writing.

-->The story in question is completely fucking barmy. I mean, we start with a nice straightforward opening premise of thirteen high school kids who have to pilot giant robots to fight an alien invasion, and within a few hours it's turned out some of them are time travellers from the future, and some of them are time travellers from the past, and some of them are secretly robots, and one of them's [[SweetPollyOliver secretly a man]]! That's not even getting into the talking cat!

-->'''Yahtzee:''' Tried a few things this week; had a go on that ''Rune Factory 5'' ‘cos some people said I might like it if I like ''Stardew Valley''-style games, and from that concluded that unless I find myself in urgent need of a T-shirt that would provoke awkward conversations at family events I should probably stop paying attention to weebs. Then I tried that new ''LEGO Star Wars'' ‘cos I heard it was an all new open-world take on the ''LEGO Star Wars'' thing, got about ten minutes into the plot of ''Film/ANewHope'' and then became overcome with depression. I mean, how many fucking times have I gone through these events in one film, game or ''WesternAnimation/RobotChicken'' parody after another? I don’t even like ''Star Wars'' much. Feels like going to a nativity play at this point; nobody actually wants to go to nativity plays unless their own kid’s in it or there’s decent odds of someone pissing themselves and crying in an amusing manner. And last I checked I wasn’t Alec Guinness’ dad and ''LEGO Star Wars'' isn’t ''Metal Gear Solid''.

* In his effort to catch up with recent releases, Yahtzee’s attempts to play ''VideoGame/RuneFactory5'' and ''[[VideoGame/LegoStarWars LEGO Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga]]''