History Funny / TotalWar

-->''Er, where was I? Oh yes. Attack the men, my elephants! Go for those little pink sods! Err, was there something… pass the wine, there's a good chap!''

-->''"And remember, they may have the Moon People on their side, but we have [[NiceHat lovely hats.]] Those hats will shield us from their fearsome gaze!"''

-->''"They say the French are better lovers than fighters. [[WithAGoat This is true. Ask any pig, cow, or other barnyard animal!"]]''

-->''Now we await the battle. For some, this is the first time. Do not worry! Like your first lovemaking, it seems confusing until it is over!''

* In Rome:Total War, whenever an aqueduct is listed on a construction report, it comes with this description;

-->''"They say the French are better lovers than fighters. [[AnythingThatMoves This is true. Ask any pig, cow, or other barnyard animal!"]]''

-->"All of Rome will be amazed at such a victory! [[LargeHam The daaaay is ooouuurrrrs!"]]

** In Shogun 2, "Incredible Disguise" implies that your character (either a ninja or a shinobi/ishin shishi) can successfully disguise himself as a ''fish''.

-->Ceci est un navire! (This is a ship!)

* In ''Empire'', commanding a naval unit to move to an inland spot on the campaign map results in the navy's captain saying, in a voice that doubts your sanity:

-->"This is a total victory! [[LargeHam The daaaay is ooouuurrrrs!"]]

-->"This is a total victory! [LargeHam The daaaay is ooouuurrrrs!"

-->''I want the pink elephants and green pixies to lead the attack. Have you seen my wife? Bloody ugly woman. Probably fighting with that lot over there, and we're'' '''buggered''' ''if she's on their side!''

* In Rome:Total War, whenever an aqueduct is listed on a construction report, it comes with this discription;
-->''What have the Romans ever done for us? [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qc7HmhrgTuQ This, that's what!]]

-->''What have the Romans ever done for us? [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qc7HmhrgTuQ This! That's what!]]

* In Rome:Total War, the construction report has this to say about an aqueduct;
-->''[[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qc7HmhrgTuQ What have the Romans ever done for us?]] This! That's what!

** If your general is mentally unstable, the speech can be down right incomprehensible.

** A general with one of the "cowardly" traits will begin with the usual mighty, impressive, heroic and inspiring speech to his men, and then, right as he is about to reach the climax of his speech....

* [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMlu7ZleclI Failed ninja assassinations]] in ''Shogun 2''.

-->''"I want the pink elephants and green pixies to lead the attack. ''Have you seen my wife?'' Bloody ugly woman. Probably fighting with that lot over there- and we're ''buggered'' if she's on their side. ''Look,'' d'ya wanna fight?"''

* Often caused by the generals' pre-battle speeches, which are oftentimes dependant on either your enemies or your general's Command rating. One of the most hilarious is done by a Venetian general fighting the Turks.
-->"Either a goat herder and his flock are lost....''(mock shocked tone)'' or the enemy is over there!"

-->"They say the French are better lovers than fighters. [[AnythingThatMoves This is true. Ask any pig, cow, or other barnyard animal!"]]

-->"So, we are all brave soldiers, uh, I think. And the enemy are over there, and they are very bad people, so I think we should go kill them! And let's not screw this up, and we won't die! Okay, men?"
** If your general is mentally unstable the speech can be down right incomprehensible.
-->"And remember, they may have the Moon People on their side, but we have [[NiceHat lovely hats.]] Those hats will shield us from their fearsome gaze!"

-->"....Snake? Snakesnakesnakesnakesnake! SNAKE! SNAKE! O MY GOD TAKE IT AWAAAAAAAAAY!"

** A general with one of the "alcoholic" traits will end it by bitching at his men that someone drank all the ale.
-->"I want the pink elephants and green pixies to lead the attack. ''Have you seen my wife?'' Bloody ugly woman. Probably fighting with that lot over there- and we're ''buggered'' if she's on their side. ''Look,'' d'ya wanna fight?"
** The scene: The pope sits before a vast cheering crowd in a cathedral. Cut to a hooded man wielding a crossbow lurking in the shadows, high above. He brings the Pope into his sights, and fires! Screams are heard below, and the assassin flees. Cut back to the pope making the sign of the cross with a bolt sticking out of his NiceHat. [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9lWLEMv9FI Video]].
** Apart from the funny to downright stupid speeches the generals make, there are other funny moments that occur in game, for example a [[CannonFodder group of peasants]] charging a [[EliteMooks Legionary 1st Cohort]] on top of a particularly steep hill, getting absolutely butchered by them then having the remnant of the unfortunate warband being chased downhill by around 200+ angry legionaries out for blood..
*** It gets even funnier when the remnant of the warband is just ''one man'' being chased down by 1500 angry Romans.
** While rakes in ''Empire'' only get a still image for their assassination attempt, either of the cutscenes between dueling gentlemen in ''Empire: Total War'' has a touch of dark comedy in their resolution.
*** An example. Both gentlemen spin around to fire... and both their guns don't work. One of them (the one that loses), points the gun at his face to check to it and then pulls the trigger...
*** An alternate version of the last one has the same thing, but when the second one checks his gun, the other throws his gun at the other's face and knocks him out.
** A rather interesting example comes from a [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yMLwe69oRA failed ninja assassination within Shogun Total War: Mongol Invasion, if you attempt to assassinate a mongol general]]... The ninja's end says it all.
*** This and the above video of a failed Papal assassination show that Creative Assembly ''really'' [[RunningGag loves abusing]] {{Nice Hat}}s.
** [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibAdi-q_EHA Every geisha assassination video ever]]. There's just something hilarious at seeing a dolled-up serving girl killing people without warning [[ImprobableWeaponUser in the most absurd ways]].
** [[BladeOnAStick The pointy end! Use the POINTY end!]]: When you discovered Way of the Spear
** [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMlu7ZleclI Failed ninja assassinations]] in ''Shogun II''.

*** How do you intentionally get this trait?
*** Try opening the console, then typing give_trait (character name) BoringSpeaker, followed by any number from 1 to 3 depending on how severe you want the trait to be.

** [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMlu7ZleclI Failed ninja assassinations]] in ''Shogun II''. A ninja tries to jump down on a target from above, only to miss and totally faceplant. Another slips down on a target from overhead and slit his throat, only to have his sword slip out of its sheath and alert the target. Another tries to climb up to the top of a castle, only to get stuck trying to climb through an arrow slit and get pushed out by a laughing guard. Another ninja running away from guards leaps over a wall, only to realize a heartbeat too late that said wall is bordering a cliff. Yet another tries to sneak past a camp of sleeping soldiers, only to get his leg grabbed by a soldier dreaming he's cuddling a geisha. But the king of them has to be the ninja trying to deliver a running, leaping kick to his target's back to knock him over a railing, only to [[EpicFail miss and go tumbling to his death.]] Clumsiest ninjas ''ever''.