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Funny / Total War

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  • Often caused by the generals' pre-battle speeches, which are oftentimes dependant on either your enemies' or your general's Command rating. One of the most hilarious is done by a Venetian general fighting the Turks.
    "Either a goat herder and his flock are lost....(mock shocked tone) or the enemy is over there!"
    "They say the French are better lovers than fighters. This is true. Ask any pig, cow, or other barnyard animal!"
    • And a General with the "Awkward Speaker" trait gets hilariously bad speeches sometimes.
    "So, we are all brave soldiers, uh, I think. And the enemy are over there, and they are very bad people, so I think we should go kill them! And let's not screw this up, and we won't die! Okay, men?"
    • If your general is mentally unstable, the speech can be down right incomprehensible.
    "And remember, they may have the Moon People on their side, but we have lovely hats! Those hats will shield us from their fearsome gaze!"
    • The above Rome: Total War speech is referenced in a Brick Joke in the form of a speech by a Mad English general in Medieval II:
    "And remember: the Moon People lack interest in this fight, thus we are spared their fearsome gaze. A mercy indeed, as I have lost my lovely hat! It would have shielded me from their terrible eyes, but now I need it not! I am much relieved!"
    • A general with one of the "cowardly" traits will begin with the usual mighty, impressive, heroic and inspiring speech to his men, and then, right as he is about to reach the climax of his speech....
    "....Snake? Snakesnakesnakesnakesnake! SNAKE! SNAKE! O MY GOD TAKE IT AWAAAAAAAAAY!"
    • His men still cheer then though.
    • A general with one of the "alcoholic" traits will end it by bitching at his men that someone drank all the ale.
    Medieval II: I want the pink elephants and green pixies to lead the attack. Have you seen my wife? Bloody ugly woman. Probably fighting with that lot over there, and we're buggered if she's on their side!

    Rome: Total War: Er, where was I? Oh yes. Attack the elephants, men! Go for those little pink sods! Err, was there something… pass the wine, there's a good chap!
    • Even the Japanese in Shogun 2 have some strange and funny speeches.
    Now we await the battle. For some, this is the first time. Do not worry! Like your first lovemaking, it seems confusing until it is over!
  • In Rome Total War, upon a victory as the Romans:
  • Apart from the funny to downright stupid speeches the generals make, there are other funny moments that occur in game, for example: a group of peasants charging a Legionary 1st Cohort on top of a particularly steep hill, getting absolutely butchered by them, then having the remnant of the unfortunate warband being chased downhill by around 200+ angry legionaries out for blood...
    • It gets even funnier when the remnant of the warband is just one man being chased down by 1,500 angry Romans.
  • The Pope is sitting before a vast cheering crowd in a cathedral. Cut to a hooded man wielding a crossbow lurking in the shadows, high above. He brings the Pope into his sights, and fires! Screams are heard below, and the assassin flees. Cut back to the Pope making the sign of the cross with a bolt sticking out of his Nice Hat. Video.
  • While rakes in Empire only get a still image for their assassination attempt, either of the cutscenes between dueling gentlemen has a touch of dark comedy in their resolution.
  • A rather interesting example comes from a failed ninja assassination in Mongol Invasion, if you attempt to assassinate a Mongol general. The ninja's end says it all.
    • This and the above video of a failed Papal assassination show that Creative Assembly really loves abusing Nice Hats.
  • Every geisha assassination video ever. There's just something hilarious at seeing a dolled-up serving girl killing people without warning in the most absurd ways.
  • The description for the Way of the Spear art in Shogun 2: The pointy end! Use the POINTY end!
  • Failed ninja assassinations in Shogun 2.
  • In Rome: Total War, whenever an aqueduct is listed on a construction report, it comes with this description;
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  • For the Third Age: Total War mod, things can get hilariously off with regards to the lore, especially if you're playing a good aligned faction like one of the Elven kingdoms. Since having disproportionate amount of casualties be inflicted by ranged weapons over melee combat can add points of dread, and the Elves focus heavily on archery, it is possible for elven generals to have high dread, resulting in "Lord Elrond the Mauler" or "Prince Legolas, Lord of Terror." Alternately, playing a merciful "evil" faction can result in orc generals like "Urgzob the Just," "Urz the Honorable" or "Lurtz the Saint."
  • Samurai units in Shogun 2 tend to act fairly disciplined and respectable, but watching them rout is hilarious, esspecially if they're running down hill or still have some good stamina. They sprint away at breackneck speed, cranking up the running animation to a hilarious rate. Sometimes, they can even keep pace with cavalry!
  • In Empire, commanding a naval unit to move to an inland spot on the campaign map results in the ship's captain saying, in a voice that doubts your sanity:
    That's... land, sire.
    • Bilingual Bonus kicks in with other languages as well, with the French captain declaring in an incredulous tone:
      Ceci est un navire! (This is a ship!)
  • You can get some hilarious retainers for your characters:
    • In Shogun 2, "Incredible Disguise" implies that your character (either a shinobi/ishin shishi) can successfully disguise himself as a fish.
  • In Medieval 2, with enough patience and luck (Or by cheats), you can have any of the catholic factions have a King that has origins from the Islamic factions, Mongols, Timurids, or Aztecs even by successfully bribing a general/family member into your faction, and having them marry with your princess. All needs to happen now is to select the member as the successor heir.
    • It is possible to have an incest pairing by marrying off your princess with her (single) uncle. The game does not report any incest traits unlike Medieval 1.


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