History Funny / TheGoodies

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--> ''This is a man. And this isn't.''

--> ''AND NOW... A Walk in the Black Forest.''

--> '''Tim:''' ''(sings)'' Who wants to be a millionaire?
--> '''Graeme:''' ''(sings)'' I do... [[VerbalBackspace DON'T!]]

--> '''Naked Woman:''' Now what are you going to do?
--> '''Tim:''' ''([[AllMenArePerverts After giving her a look]])'' ''[[[CampGay Camply]]]'' I'm going to wash these clothes.

---> '''Graeme''': I admit, it's my fault. I just misread the advert, that's all. I thought it said a little light housekeeping!

---> '''Bill''':''(trying to burp)'' Won't come!
---> '''Tim''': Have another swig of this. That'll bring it up.
---> '''Bill''': ''(takes a swig)'' Oooh that's horrible! What is it?
---> '''Tim''': ''(grinning)'' "Turps! Turps for burps!" ''(sings with Bill)'' "Please release me, let me go!"
--->''(monster burp from Bill)''
---> '''Tim''': ''(delighted)'' "Thar she blows! That's my boy! Nobody light a match!"

----> '''Tim''': ''(Referring to Bill)'' Pay no attention to him. He's pissed.
----> '''Graeme''': Has he?
----> '''Tim''': Yes.

---> '''Tim''': We shall make a new world...a better world for our children.
---> '''Bill''': What d'you mean, children—we're not going to have any children, are we? I mean, think about it, y'know...face it, from now on we three are doomed to be [[HaveAGayOldTime bachelors gay!]] ''(puts his hand on Tim's shoulder while Graeme starts stroking his hair)'' That's, uh...that's an idea, innit?
---> '''Tim''': ''(thoughtful pause)'' ...No! Get off!

----> '''Tim''': But a man isn't a man unless he exercises his right to fatherhood!
----> '''Bill''': You can exercise it all you like, but you won't find much use for it here.

-->'''Bill:''' You can't go to the ball, you're too pretty!
-->'''Tim:''' (''sobs'') Don't say that!
-->'''Bill:''' (''speaking pompously like an Ugly Stepsister'') Well you are, look at you! Pretty pretty pretty! Only us ugly folk can go to the ball, and you have got to stay at home and do the housework! There's plenty to keep you busy isn't there? So be off with you child! Meanwhile I shall swan off and do myself up for the ball. Farewell, my pretty one! ''[laughs nefariously before attempting to leave, only the giant safety pin through his ears catches in the doorway]''
-->''[cuts to Tim back in the office sweeping the floor wearing a raggy dress over his normal clothes]''

-->'''Tim:''' "Hamster burgers"? I thought these were just horrible names!
-->'''Graeme:''' ''(casually)'' No. Trade Descriptions Act.

-->'''Graeme:''' You'll all be rich! ... slightly dead, but rich!

--> [[spoiler: '''Tim:''' ''([[AllMenArePerverts After giving her a look]])'' ''[[[CampGay Camply]]]'' I'm going to wash these clothes.]]

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWL07rRJhj8 "We put one gallon of economy petrol into this car, and then we set if off to see how far it would go."]] [[spoiler:[[BaitAndSwitch It turns out to be an advert for]] ''[[BaitAndSwitch paper]]'' of all things.]]

----> '''Bill''': [[ADateWithRosiePalms You can exercise it all you like]], but you won't find much use for it here.

* In "Royal Command", only the Goodies can turn something as solemn as a coronation into a Wacky Races style chase, complete with exciting racing commentary as Queen Tim, Princess Graeme and Prince Bill attempt to get away with the crown, with the actual royal family in hot pursuit.

** Attempts to get him back down fail at first as Tim tries throwing a stick which the kitten returns in a much bigger form, and when Bill and Graeme arrive to help it doesn't improve too much. Finally a simple ladder allows Tim to get the kitten back and hand him to Graeme... whereupon he and Bill leave with both the kitten and the ladder, whilst Tim is left stuck up said tree for four days.

** After having failed to make it as knock-off versions of Music/TheBeatles, the Bachelors, and Music/TheSupremes, the Goodies are reduced to starving artists on Skid Row (London, [=E8=]); Tim and Bill walk past the similarly flat broke classical guitarist Andres Segovia, classical violinist Yehudi Menuhin, and sitar maestro Music/RaviShankar... as well as two men in familiar looking sleeveless pullovers, hankies on their heads, and glasses...

** As the economy spirals downward, the Goodies are awarded [=OBEs=] at a Royal garden party.[[note]] For all the jokes they made about [=OBEs=] being practically given away, it was years before they finally received theirs - 2003 for Bill, 2011 for Tim and Graeme.[[/note]] But as the other guests despair over the country's economic woes, a GrayRainOfDepression starts pouring, until the Goodies are forced to leave the grounds of Buckingham Palace by rowboat. However, the familiar pipe of UsefulNotes/HaroldWilson follows them like the periscope of a submarine, and Mr Wilson tells the Goodies that as they're the only organisation making any money, he's going to nationalise them (which means taking 90% of their income, while the rest is taken in tax) and tasks them with cheering up the country. So they compose the bounciest pop song ever written: "Bounce". And thus is born a new dance craze, with footage played forwards and backwards to make it look as though all manner of politicians (including Wilson and then-Leader of the Opposition UsefulNotes/MargaretThatcher) are bouncing.[[note]] Similar to a ''Frost Report'' gag from a decade earlier when various statesmen were made to look as though they were dancing the Hokey Cokey with the same camera trickery.[[/note]]
** Unfortunately, the dance works ''too'' well, and soon everybody is too busy bouncing to do anything else (including ''Nationwide'' presenter Michael Barratt, appearing as himself), causing the government to collapse and a General Election to be called. Radio/TerryWogan (also appearing as himself) acts as election correspondent, with the Goodies standing (or, rather, bouncing) as candidates for the Bouncing Party, while other candidates represent the Waltzing Party (popular with the older generation) and the Max Wall Party. But it is the Standing Party - who are literally standing for Parliament (as their candidates are all department store mannequins) - who are swept into power and outlaw all fun of any kind. So the Goodies take to the forests on their trandem, dressed in their best Lincoln green, as "fun outlaws", putting on comically bad variety shows to entertain a public who are no longer allowed to enjoy themselves. They arrive outside a stereotypical mediaeval cottage; throughout, the husband desperately tries to stop his wife from laughing at the Goodies' antics.

*** And finally, in a parody of typical variety show finales, Graeme puts his magician costume back on, makes Tim and Bill and three dancing girls appear out of thin air, and then they all wave to the audience as the "stage" (i.e., patch of ground on which they are standing) rotates so that everyone can wave goodbye to every member of the audience. The Goodies ride off on their trandem... at which point the husband can't help laughing at how silly his wife looks BoundAndGagged and with a bag over her head, prompting one of the government's armoured enforcers to run up to him and start beating him senseless.

** But unfortunately, although the government is toppled (as in, the mannequins are knocked over), the entertainers have been underground for so long that none of them remember how to do their acts anymore (thus allowing Graeme to show off his impersonations of the people involved). Tommy Cooper now has a squeaky high-pitched voice, Liverpool native Ken Dodd has a dim-witted Cockney voice, the very Northern Eddie Waring (appearing as himself) has an RP accent (which makes him far easier to understand than he usually is), native Aussie Rolf Harris has a Scottish accent, Jimmy Savile doesn't actually speak, Creator/TellySavalas as Series/{{Kojak}} has a camp, effeminate voice, Creator/PatrickMoore and Sue Lawley (also appearing as themselves) speak with each other's voices, and [[Creator/MorecambeAndWise Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise]] are also silent. They seem to be making progress as Eddie Waring's real voice is heard... coming from Patrick Moore.
** The entertainers have been voted in, so as a stopgap measure, a literal puppet government is installed... as in, [[Series/TheSootyShow Sooty]] is made Prime Minister, with Sweep as Home Secretary, and a [[WesternAnimation/TheClangers Clanger]] as a front-bencher. The puppets quickly become impossible to control, so the Goodies go to Chequers to plead with them to behave themselves, setting up a hysterical final act ''battle royale''.

*** The Goodies flee the building, but Pinky and Perky see them leave and yell "Not so fast!" before raising the alarm; the Goodies soon find their path blocked by twelve-foot tall versions of Andy Pandy, Looby Loo, and Teddy (accompanied by a snippet of their theme song). They hide behind a hedge, where Tim hatches a plan - he puts make-up on his, Bill and Graeme's faces to make them look like puppets, and then they walk past while moving as if controlled by strings... but Graeme's obvious reluctance causes Andy to stop him and move his hand over his head, revealing the lack of strings. A frustrated Graeme promptly punches Andy in the stomach, and in the ensuing brawl, the giant puppets' strings become hopelessly tangled with each other, allowing Graeme to escape.

*** Tim and Graeme are soon re-united, but hear a familiar burbling as six-foot tall versions of WesternAnimation/BillAndBenTheFlowerpotMen (accompanied by ''their'' theme song) grab two swords from what looks like an ornamental heraldic shield and start attacking the two Goodies. Tim and Graeme grab swords of their own and soon get the better of Bill and Ben by cutting their strings and then cutting off their arms and legs.

*** Tim and Graeme are soon re-united, but hear a familiar burbling as six-foot tall versions of WesternAnimation/BillAndBenTheFlowerPotMen (accompanied by ''their'' theme song) grab two swords from what looks like an ornamental heraldic shield and start attacking the two Goodies. Tim and Graeme grab swords of their own and soon get the better of Bill and Ben by cutting their strings and then cutting off their arms and legs.

** In the climactic end battle, Bill bites Graemes hand -- after [[SatiatingSandwich seasoning it with a dash of pepper and putting it between two slices of bread]].

** The scene where Tim and Bill get drunk is brilliant. Not only is Tim only semi-dressed (exposing his Union Jack GoofyPrintUnderwear), but they are both totally sloshed. Graeme, however is less than impressed by their behaviour, more worried about how when the Queen is going to arrive, the other two will get OBEs, but he is in trouble and so will get beheaded. But that doesn't stop Tim and Bill acting like complete idiots.

* Numerous scenes from "The Goodies Rule - OK?", but special mention should go to the final act ''battle royale'' between the Goodies and the (literal) puppet government, climaxing with the trio being chased by giant versions of ''WesternAnimation/TheMagicRoundabout''[='=]s Dougal and Zebedee, the latter bouncing fifty feet into the air and booming '''"TIME FOR BED!!"''' as a battle cry.

** When the Goodies succeed with their Pied Digeridooist act, the Queen ''keeps her promise'', with Tim marrying Prince Charles (shown in stock footage)[[note]] Although the Prince of Wales later said he would have been happy to appear as himself, the idea didn't get past Palace security.[[/note]] and Graeme and Bill getting five hundred [=OBEs=] each.[[note]] Which has been funny for different reasons since first Bill, then Tim and Graeme actually ''did'' get [=OBEs=].[[/note]]

* The entire episode of Kitten Kong is some of the funniest scenes in the show, but special mention goes to the park scene where Tim is pulled around by Twinkle the kitten on a lead.
** Poor Tim is rapidly pulled along the green and is unable to stop the white furball. Such humiliations include falling over on his front-still being pulled, tearing up a fence and tangling it on him until it suddenly wraps around a tree, getting pulled up a slide and through a roundabout, and finally smacking face-first into another tree as Twinkle escapes up it.
** Attempts to get him back down fail at first as Tim tries throwing a stick which the kitten returns in a much bigger form, and when Bill and Graeme arrive to help it doesn't improve too much. Finally a simple ladder allows Tim to get the kitten back and hand him to Graeme who with Bill leave with both the kitten and the ladder whilst Tim is left stuck up said tree for 4 days.

* The entire episode of Kitten Kong is some of the funniest scenes in the show, but special mention goes to the park scene where Tim is pulled around by Twinkle the kitten on a lead.\\
Poor Tim is rapidly pulled along the green and is unable to stop the white furball. Such humiliations include: Falling over on his front-still being pulled, tearing up a fence and tangling it on him until it suddenly wraps around a tree, getting pulled up a slide and through a roundabout, and finally smacking face-first into another tree as Twinkle escapes up it.\\
Attempts to get him back down fail at first as Tim tries throwing a stick which the kitten returns in a much bigger form, and when Bill and Graham arrive to help it doesn't improve too much. Finally a simple ladder allows Tim to get the kitten back and hand him to Graham who with Bill leave with both the kitten and the ladder whilst Tim is left stuck up said tree for 4 days.

* The entire episode of Kitten Kong is some of the funniest scenes in the show, but special mention goes to the park scene where Tim is pulled around by Twinkle the kitten on a lead.
Poor Tim is rapidly pulled along the green and is unable to stop the white furball.
Such humilliations include: Falling over on his front-still being pulled, Tearing a fence and tangling it on him under it suddenly wraps around a tree, getting pulled up a slide and on a roundabout and finally crashing into another tree as Twinkle escapes up it.
Attempts to get him back down fail at first as Tim tries throwing a stick which the Kitten returns in a much bigger form and when Bill and Graham arrive to help it doesnt improve too much.

Finally a simple ladder allows Tim to get the kitten back and hand him to Graham who with Bill leave with both the kitten and the ladder whilst Tim is left stuck up said tree for 4 days.

* The entire episode of Kitten Kong is some of the funniest scenes in the show.
But special mention goes to the park scene where Tim is pulled around by Twinkle the kitten on a lead.
Poor Tim is rapidly pulled along the green and is unable to stop the white furball. Such humilliations include: Falling over on his front-still being pulled, Tearing a fence and tangling it on him under it suddenly wraps around a tree, getting pulled up a slide and on a roundabout and finally crashing into another tree as Twinkle escapes up it.

* Graeme has shot his two friends into space in a rocket and they're not happy. Tim suggests they call the fire brigade to get them down. Bill asks how they're supposed to make a telephone call in space whereupon the [[Series/DoctorWho TARDIS]] goes past.

** Graham giving his NewEraSpeech.

---> '''Bill''': What d'you mean, children—we're not going to have any children, are we? I mean, think about it, y'know...face it, from now on we three are doomed to be bachelors gay! ''(puts his hand on Tim's shoulder while Graeme starts stroking his hair)'' That's, uh...that's an idea, innit?

--> '''Graeme:''' ''(sings)'' I do... [[RetConned DON'T!]]

* Graham has shot his two friends into space in a rocket and they're not happy. Tim suggests they call the fire brigade to get them down. Bill asks how they're supposed to make a telephone call in space whereupon the [[Series/DoctorWho TARDIS]] goes past.

* Graham has shot his two friends into space in a rocket and they're not happy. Tim suggests they call the fire brigade to get them down. Bill demands how they're supposed to make a telephone call in space whereupon the [[Series/DoctorWho TARDIS]] goes past.

'''All three:''' ''[clapping and doing the appropriate motions]'' "Do, do, do, the Funky-" ''[smash cut to black]''