History Funny / TheBartimaeusTrilogy

-->''But that agreement is null and void. You broke it yourself, not two minutes ago–in a particularly noxious manner, if I may say so. So she can hardly be breaking it herself, can she? Listen, if you put that Staff down, you can tear your hair out more easily.''

-->''The incantation was a tad improvised, I felt--didn't have the elegance and refinement I was used to. The clause "snare this cursed demon Bartimaeus and compress him with unmerciful precision" was a little crude, for instance, and could have been misinterpreted. But it seemed to do the trick.''

* Why is there no love for Nathaniel not realizing he was being held back from Gladstone's staff by a "[[DoorDumb push]]" door?

* In ''The Amulet of Samarkand'', Bartimaeus gives Nathaniel a good dunking in a river to wash the grime off him before they continue their journey to the estate of Simon Lovelace. When he surfaces, he makes a sort of grunting, which Bartimaeus chooses to interpret as a request to be dunked again. "Boy, you ''are'' thorough."

* Nathaniel's hilariously subverted attempt at a dramatic reveal in front of Kitty in book two. At first, the entire scene feels like it was lifted from a mystery anime. He brushes his PeekABangs out of his face, but Kitty doesn't recognize him.

*** Pays off as a brick joke in the third book. Where a footnote is cut off midway through by [[spoiler: Nathaniel, who is temporarily sharing a body with Bartimaeus]], complaining that he keeps being distracted by the footnotes. For once it seems [[LemonyNarrator Bartimaeus's]] boasting was actually true.

* [[spoiler:Duvall's death. After being arrested, he kills his guards as a werewolf and leaps out the window. So he escaped? Nope, they were five floors up.]]

* The aftermath of [[spoiler:Solomon trying to use the serpent statue on Khaba, and [[AshFace immediately going for the anti-theft mechanisms.]]]]
* The conversation Nathaniel and Bartimaeus have after Nathaniel is knocked out by trying (and failing) to activate [[spoiler: Gladstone's Staff]].

* Why is there no love for Nathaniel not realizing he was being held back from [[spoiler: Gladstone's staff]] by a "[[DoorDumb push]]" door?

-->''At this, the magician's fury knew no bounds. She reached out of her circle and slapped the apprentice round his head. But by doing so, she ''broke her protective seal''. The cat stretched languidly; the stretch arched up, widened, became lime-green. Fur became scales. The serpent's mouth opened wide as a grave; it came down upon the woman and swallowed her whole, like a snake does an egg, down to the heels of her quivering shoes.''

* From Bartimaeus' journal, ''[[InsistentTerminology not blog]]'', thank you. This prime example of BlackHumor and TheDogBitesBack, Bartimaeus dealing with a magician who remorselessly abuses both himself and her apprentice:

--> The woman knew the words well enough, but couldn't do it for fear of stammering. She did her best to keep her temper, prompting, encouraging, cajoling and imploring, while the cat sat quietly in its circle as if it wasn't watching.

-->The boy shrugged. "I've forgotten it," was all he said. And then, "I guess I wasn't taught well enough."

-->At this, the magician's fury knew no bounds. She reached out of her circle and slapped the apprentice round his head. But by doing so, she ''broke her protective seal''. The cat stretched languidly; the stretch arched up, widened, became lime-green. Fur became scales. The serpent's mouth opened wide as a grave; it came down upon the woman and swallowed her whole, like a snake does an egg, down to the heels of her quivering shoes.

-->The serpent closed its mouth; a bulge retreated slowly along its coils. It looked at the boy, still standing safely in the circle of his own.

-->"Goodbye," he said.

-->"G'bomf," I said. Well, I had my mouth full.

* From Bartimaeus' journal ''[[InsistentTerminology not blog]]'', thank you. This prime example of BlackHumor and TheDogBitesBack, Bartimaeus dealing with a magician who remorselessly abuses both himself and her apprentice:

The boy shrugged. "I've forgotten it," was all he said. And then, "I guess I wasn't taught well enough."

At this, the magician's fury knew no bounds. She reached out of her circle and slapped the apprentice round his head. But by doing so, she ''broke her protective seal''. The cat stretched languidly; the stretch arched up, widened, became lime-green. Fur became scales. The serpent's mouth opened wide as a grave; it came down upon the woman and swallowed her whole, like a snake does an egg, down to the heels of her quivering shoes.

The serpent closed its mouth; a bulge retreated slowly along its coils. It looked at the boy, still standing safely in the circle of his own.

"Goodbye," he said.

"G'bomf," I said. Well, I had my mouth full.

* From Bartimaeus' journal ''[[PersistentTerminology not blog]]'', thank you. This prime example of black humor, Bartimaeus dealing with a magician who remorselessly abuses both Barty and her apprentice:
--> The magician's fury knew no bounds. She reached out of her circle and slapped the apprentice round his head. But by doing so, she ''broke her protective seal''. The cat stretched languidly; the stretch arched up, widened, became lime-green. Fur became scales. The serpent's mouth opened wide as a grave; it came down upon the woman and swallowed her whole, like a snake does an egg, down to the heels of her quivering shoes.

-->''But that agreement is null and void. You broke it yourself, not two minutes ago–in a particularly noxious manner, if I may say so. So she can hardly be breaking it herself, can she? Listen, if you put that Staff down, you can tear your hair out more easily.''

** While the footnotes are hilarious just by themself (no doubt because Bartimaeus is quite the smartass), the fact that they're justified in-universe (Bartimaeus' mind works on several levels of consciousness, so this is his way of putting that on paper).

* Hell, Bartimaeus is pretty much a walking, talking CrowningMomentOfFunny himself. There's usually at least one in each of his chapters, especially in the footnotes. A good example is him unknowingly using the ''Rosetta Stone'' to bludgeon a golem.

-->'''Bartimaeus''': You'll never be a sweet old granny. Let's say, 'sad, lonely old biddy' instead.

* In ''The Golem's Eye'', Bartimaeus notes that Queezle's master is probably safe undercover somewhere. Queezle comments that while he claims to be in signaling distance, he's probably holed up in a magician's bar with a bottle in one hand and a girl in the other. She asks what his like and he replies that his is the same or worse, that he'd have both the girl and the bottle in the same hand. However...

-->'''Bartimaeus''': (''footnote'') Manifestly untrue. Despite his crimped shirts and flowing mane (or perhaps because of them) I had seen no evidence as yet that Nathaniel even knew what a girl was. If he'd ever met one, chances are they'd both have run screaming in opposite directions. But in common with most djinn, I generally preferred to exaggerate my master's foibles in conversation.

* In ''The Amulet of Samarkand'', Arthur Underwood takes Nathaniel (newly officially named "John Mandrake") to Parliament for the address by the Prime Minister. Not wanting Nathaniel to embarrass him, he tells him the tale of the apprentice of Disraeli, who tripped on the steps of Westminster and sent Disraeli tumbling into the Duchess of Argyle, a "well-padded" lady who broke his fall. Disraeli then clapped his hands, causing darkness to fall and when it lifted, there was an iron statue in the shape of the boy holding a boot scraper, which everyone entering the hall for the past 150 years has been able to use. Nathaniel's reaction to this tale is "Really, sir? Will I see it?", causing Underwood to explain that his point is that if Nathaniel embarrasses him in any way, he'll make sure there's a matching hat stand. Nathaniel acts contrite at this, but internally notes that the formula for petrification likely involves summoning an afrit of considerable power, one that someone with his master's highly limited abilities would be unlikely to ever be able to manage.

* During Bartimaeus's 'visit' to Pinn's, Simpkin mentions cleaning Nefertiti's anklet, meant for the Duke of Westminster's wife, and claims that it bestows great beauty on the wearer. Bartimaeus, who had procured it for her and knew that she was already quite beautiful, mentions that it actually forces her husband to obey her every word, and wonders how the Duke is managing. Two chapters later, Nathaniel encounters the pair briefly - and the Duke is simply described as "exhausted-looking".

-->'''Nathaniel''': This is admirab--[[LastSecondWordSwap remarkably]] short.

-->'''Nathnaiel''': This is admirab--[[LastSecondWordSwap remarkably]] short.

* Bartimaeus's list in ''The Ring of Solomon'' of things that aren't allowed in Solomon's Jerusalem. They include eating guests of Jerusalem, fighting, devouring servants, running in the corridors, cursing, drawing rude stick figures on the harem walls, causing unpleasant smells to permeate the kitchens, and spitting on the upholstery. And these are just the things that he's been specifically told off for doing.

-->'''Bartimaeus''': Oh. Right.

* The sequence in ''The Ring of Solomon'' in which Bartimaeus reveals that A.) he's still alive and B.) he's snatched Solomon's ring. First, after hearing Solomon express disbelief to Asmira that a "mere djinni" could have helped her in breaking into his private chambers, he reveals himself as "a mere djinni who, while you two were chattering away like fishwives, has got himself a ring." Then, when Solomon fails to recognize him in his sand-cat guise, which he's never seen before, he gives his name as Bartimaeus, only for Solomon to still be stumped. Bartimaeus, aggravated, then reverts to a previous form - a pygmy hippo in a skirt that's intended as a comic reference to one of Solomon's numerous wives, specifically the one from Moab. Solomon never does catch on to the reference, but he ''does'' finally recognize, with a shock, the djinni who previously made fun of him and disrespected the sanctity of his temple.

*** Pays off as a brick joke in the third book. Where a footnote is cut off midway through by [[spoiler:: Nathaniel, who is temporarily sharing a body with Bartimaeus]], complaining that he keeps being distracted by the footnotes. For once it seems [[LemonyNarrator Bartimaeus's]] boasting was actually true.