History Funny / RangersApprentice

* While riding back to Grimsdell, the boys discuss a potential name for the dog. Horace, being his usual pragmatic self, decides on Blackie. Will objects, but Horace lets out a whistle and tells her to stay (which she does). Will protests that she was only responding to the whistle, and that he could've called her "Bread and Butter Pudding." ---> '''Horace:''' "Bread and Butter Pudding?" That's your suggestion for a name, is it? Oh yes, that's [[SarcasmMode much better than Blackie]].

* Offering lunch to Will and Horace, Malcolm is impressed by their HumbleHero NiceGuy attitudes. Then he watches how much coffee they drink and winces internally.

** Particular note must go to Book 7, where Gilan reflects on his old mentor:
--->"Halt had loomed large in his life for years. He was indefatigable. He was all-knowing. He was larger than life. [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking He was also seasick]].
* Horace mentioning Will's drawing skills (or complete lack thereof). [[NotSoAboveItAll Even]] [[TheHermit Malcolm]] [[NotSoAboveItAll gets in on it]]. Will isn't laughing.
** Also, the whole sequence during the siege where Horace is bored and trying to think up a poem.
---> '''Horace:''' What rhymes with Macindaw?
* In the fourth book, Halt and Erak are tracking the Temujai army, and Halt approximates the number of horses they have, which turns out to be a good estimate. When Erak asked how he did that, Halt says that [[DeadpanSnarker he counted the number of hooves and divided by four]]. It takes Erak a second to realize that Halt is [[TheGadfly screwing with him]].
* In the eleventh book, ''The Lost Stories'', more than half of the short story "PurpleProse" might make you laugh out loud.
** Will tries to prepare a speech for [[spoiler: Horace and Evanlyn's wedding]], so he goes to Halt and Lady Pauline. Will's speech? Many complicated words tied together to try to make a "memorable" speech. Halt's reaction of disgust makes it even better.
* The entire scene from the beginning of ''Sorcerer in the North'', where Will defuses a standoff between desperate Skandian raiders and his fief by [[JustForFun/MadeOfWin inviting the Skandians]] [[RefugeInAudacity to a feast at the castle]]. HilarityEnsues.
* Despite above mentions of his artistic skill, Will is pretty good on the lute. [[RunningGag Actually, it's a mandola]]. He also made up a song about his mentor, Halt. It's not a very nice one, either. Said song is said to be a parody of an Araluen folk song called ''Old Joe Smoke'' and the song Crowley asked Will to perform so they could see if he could pose as a Jongleur or minstrel. Halt is immediately suspicious, of course.
** Will then accidentally plays the parody version in front of the latter. Crowley finds it hilarious, but Halt is definitely Not Amused.
* When Will is awarded the Silver Oakleaf in ''Erak's Ransom'', Alyss and Evanlyn are the ones to place it around his neck. Upon doing so, both of them impulsively kiss Will's cheeks and then [[GreenEyedMonster glare daggers at each other]].
** Before then, the excessive nonchalance with which Crowley awards Will his Oakleaf.
*** In Will's own words, "...Rangers weren't big on ceremony. Maybe Graduation Day was like any other day. [[ShapedLikeItself Except you graduated]].". He couldn't be more correct. In order, Crowley bursts into the room off schedule, then asks Halt if Will is proficient in his skills and answers the question before Halt can respond. He then flicks through Will's formal declaration of Rangerhood making the barest possible effort to read it (he technically has to), rushes Will through signing (while choosing a last name for Will since [[NamesTheSame there are three other Wills in the Ranger Corps]]), and cheers quickly before asking what they want to drink. The entire process takes less than two minutes.
*** It turns out that this is a hazing that ''every single Ranger'' goes through when they graduate, just to [[ItAmusedMe mess with them]].
--->'''Crowley:''' "You, Will, have shown the necessary proficiency in the weapons a Ranger uses: the bow, the saxe knife, the throwing knife." (To Halt) "He has shown that proficiency, hasn't he? Of course he has. And so on and so on and hi diddle dee dee..."

* In the ninth book, we are given what is possibly the most hilarious conversation of the entire series.
-->'''Horace:''' [[ItMakesSenseInContext How do you stampede cattle]]?
* The conversation between Halt and Horace at the beginning of ''Oakleaf Bearers'' really has to be seen to be believed.
-->'''Halt:''' ''[thinking Horace is about to ask yet another question]'' WHAT?
-->'''Horace:''' What?
-->'''Halt:''' That's what I want to know. What?
-->'''Horace:''' ''[bewildered]'' What?
-->'''Halt:''' Don't keep parroting me! Stop repeating what I say! I asked you "what" so don't ask me "what" back, understand?
-->'''Horace:''' ''[very slowly]'' No.
-->'''Halt:''' You were about to ask a question.
-->'''Horace:''' I was?
-->'''Halt:''' You were. I saw you take a breath to ask it.
-->'''Horace:''' I see. And what was it about?
-->'''Halt:''' That is what I was asking you! When I said "what", I was asking you about what you wanted to ask me.
-->'''Horace:''' I wasn't about to ask you "what."
-->'''Halt:''' Then what, if I may use that word once more, were you about to ask me?
-->'''Horace:''' I forget. What were we talking about?
** Halt shrugs it off and they continue for another few minutes. Then...
--->'''Horace:''' Are there many passes through the mountains?
--->'''Halt:''' [[HereWeGoAgain What?]]
* In the eighth book ''The Kings of Clonmel'' Halt explains to Will and Horace that since there is no guarantee that the royal heir to a kingdom will be a good ruler, even if the parent was a good ruler, he prefers the Skandian method of election. Then later in the book after Halt unsuccessfully tries to convince [[spoiler: his usurper twin brother]], King Ferris of Clonmel to take the threat of a cult seriously, Horace follows Ferris into his dressing room and knocks him out, prompting this exchange:
--> '''Halt:''' Horace Altman, what on earth have you done?
--> '''Horace''' ''[gesturing towards Ferris's closet]'' [[spoiler: I've just elected you King. Start getting dressed]].
** The funniest part is of course when Halt realizes he's lost control of the situation, and to ''Horace'' of all people.
* A similar moment in which Halt loses control to Horace occurs when Halt, pretending to be offended, asks Horace if he's ever lied to the young warrior.
--> '''Horace:''' [[BrickJoke Well...there were those girls.]]
--> '''Halt:''' Oh...yes.
** Horace explains, for the benefit of Will, that Halt had once explained that a group of young women were wearing very short skirts [[BlatantLies so that they could run very fast to carry messages.]] Will is agog that Horace actually believed that, to which Horace (with an entirely straight face) responds:
---> '''Horace:''' I did. Because Halt is a Ranger. And Rangers are honorable men. Rangers never lie.
** Cue one of the very few moments in the ''entire series'' when Halt is at a loss for a snappy comeback.
*** Even better is Will's attempt to defuse the situation by pointing out a bird, and Halt's reply.
----> "No, it's not. And to hell with it if it is."
* In "The Lost Stories", Jenny gets ADayInTheLimelight when she ends up taking out a trio of bandits who elected to hide out in her house while after a robbery. That's not the funny part. The funny part is how she does it: by clubbing one in the head with a roast, incapacitating another with a set of cooking knives, and letting Gilan have the third one when he tries to get away. ChefOfIron, indeed.
--> '''Jenny:''' (at the end of a long rant) [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking ...And they had your dinner!]]\\
'''Gilan:''' (looking over the now-beaten robbers) Well... [[DeadpanSnarker I don't think they enjoyed it.]]
* This scene:
--> '''Halt:''' Do you ever manage to ask just one question at a time? Or does it always have to be multiple choice with you?
--> '''Will:''' Do I do that? Are you sure?
** Halt raises his hands in a "See what I mean" gesture, and Selethen responds:
---> '''Selethen:''' Halt, I could be wrong, but I think you were just guilty of the same fault. I'm sure I heard you ask two questions just then.
---> '''Halt:''' (icily) Thank you for pointing that out, Lord Selethen.
* The end of Book 10, in which Horace proudly states that he has been named "Kurokuma" (Black Bear) by the Nihon-Ja, in recognition of his prodigious strength and mighty prowess on the battlefield. Alyss then punctures his ego by telling him that [[BigEater it's actually because of his prodigious appetite and mighty prowess at the dinner table.]] As a matter of fact, both are true, but still, it's hilarious.
** This becomes a BrickJoke in ''Duel at Araulen,'' when Gilan, having engaged in BackToBackBadasses with his friend, recalls how Horace earned the RedBaron "Black Bear," and Horace [[HumbleHero self-deprecatingly shrugs that it was more about his appetite.]]
* One of the funniest scenes in the entire series comes when Will and Horace team up on Gilan, who's been teaching them to use two knives to deal with a swordsman. Will questions WhyDontYouJustShootHim, and Gilan responds that [[RealityEnsues sometimes your bowstring breaks, and you can't run and hide because you're up against a cliff]]. Then Horace chimes in:
--> '''Horace:''' What about an axman?
--> '''Gilan:''' An axman?
--> '''Horace:''' Yes. What if you're facing an enemy with a battleax? Do your knives work then?
--> '''Gilan:''' {{Beat}} I wouldn't advise anyone to face a battleax with just two knives.
--> '''Will:''' So what do I do?
--> '''Gilan:''' Shoot him.
--> '''Will:''' Can't. My bowstring's broken.
--> '''Gilan:''' (through gritted teeth) ''Then run and hide.''
--> '''Horace:''' But there's a cliff. A sheer drop behind him and an angry axeman coming at him.
--> '''Will:''' So what do I do?
--> '''Gilan:''' Jump off the cliff. It'll be less messy that way.
** Becomes a BrickJoke in Book 11, when Will faces exactly that situation, but decides not to jump.
* A Battleschool apprentice made a remark about Will and Horace being sent off on a soft assignment because that was all they were good for. [[WhatAnIdiot In Halt's hearing]]. When Rodney tells Arald about this, Arald asks how the boy is. Thankfully, there's no lasting damage.
* Book 2 is also where Will and Horace's status as VitriolicBestBuds is cemented, through exchanges like these:
--> '''Horace:''' I used to think Halt was a sorcerer.
--> '''Will:''' A sorcerer? He's nothing of the kind!
--> '''Horace:''' Well, you used to think the same thing!
--> '''Will:''' I was just a kid then!
--> '''Horace:''' ''So was I!''
* Doubling as a CallForward to Book 9, Crowley asks Halt how he plans to get then-Prince Duncan out of the castle he's imprisoned in. Halt responds laconically that he'll go in while Crowley surrounds the castle.

* During the civil war, Duncan makes an offhand comment that perhaps he'll poach Master Chubb from Arald, who glares at him. Duncan sits back and considers that perhaps one rebellious baron is enough for now.
* At one point, two Rangers are sneaking up on some guards, who are already drunk and asleep. They need to make sure the guards don't wake up and raise the alarm, but [[HonorBeforeReason are uncomfortable hitting unconscious people]]. So what do they do? Wake them up, ''then'' knock them out.

* Halt's RefugeInAudacity to get himself leave to go after Will: He gets himself (supposedly) drunk, insults the king in public (including saying that he was the product of his father and a hatcha-hatcha dancer), and gets himself banished (and it would have been for life, if not for Duncan's LoopholeAbuse).
** Cassandra, when she discovers this in Book 4, finds this ActuallyPrettyFunny.
* In Book 2, Gilan has captured a pair of robbers in Celtica. Since they've made themselves an inconvenience and have hindered and tried to assault a Ranger, he notes that he could have them hung. He then looks thoughtfully at the mountains around them.
-->'''Gilan:''' The question is whether I can actually do that here...
-->'''Will:''' You mean, you may not have the authority to hang them now we're not in the kingdom itself?
-->'''Gilan:''' I hadn't considered that. I was just thinking it'd be difficult since there isn't a tree tall enough within several miles.

* A later Gathering in Book 5 also has a classic RightBehindYou moment:
-->'''Will:''' [Crowley's] becoming too much of a creature of habit. He's used that hide [to conceal himself with] for the last three Gatherings. It's time he tried something new. Everyone must be onto it by now.
-->'''Halt:''' Well, perhaps not everyone.
-->'''Will:''' All the same, perhaps he's getting a bit long in the tooth to be skulking around hiding in the bushes, don't you think?
-->'''Halt:''' Long in the tooth? Well, that's one option. Mind you, his silent movement skills are as good as ever.
-->'''Will:''' He's standing behind me, isn't he?
-->'''Halt:''' *nods*
-->'''Will:''' He's been there for a while, hasn't he?
-->'''Halt:''' *nods*
-->'''Will:''' Is he...close enough to have heard what I said?
-->'''Crowley:''' [[SarcasmMode Oh, good grief, no. He's so old and decrepit these days he's as deaf as a post.]]
* In a similar vein, Arald, Rodney, and Pauline are discussing Halt's CowboyCop behaviour, and agree that something definitely needs to be done.

** Arald and Rodney exchange OhCrap glances
* In Book 1, Will climbs up the outside of the tower in order to discover what the piece of paper that Halt gave Arald said. After being caught and hauled before the Baron, Arald explains that it said that Halt had chosen Will as an apprentice. After talking more about being a Ranger, Arald dismisses Will with one last piece of advice:
-->'''Arald:''' This time, use the stairs.
* Book 12 has a couple of guards discussing how Cassandra used to be a {{Tomboy}} who snuck around the forest at night. One of them comments how you'd never guess that-she's so calm and dignified now, isn't she? Cue GilliganCut.
-->'''Cassandra:''' WHERE THE [[AddedAlliterativeAppeal BLIND BLUE BLITHERING BLAZES]] HAVE YOU BEEN?

* As he's retiring, Ranger Alun tells his comrades that he'll think of them all. [[VitriolicBestBuds He'll think of them when they're out hunting bad guys and sleeping in freezing-cold fields and ditches and he's tucked up nice and snug in a warm bed in Castle Araulen.]]
* Apparently, Jenny once hit ''Master Chubb'' over the head with a ladle when the man made a humble suggestion about a dish perhaps needing just a bit more spice. And he ''apologized.'' The student truly has become the master.
** Horace once suggested that he give ladle-whacking lessons to Battleschool students. And wasn't entirely joking, either.
* In Book 8, Halt tells Horace about the huge, magnificent castle of Dun Kilty: It towers over the neighboring village, it's centuries older than Castle Araulen, was there long before the town grew up around it...[[MoodWhiplash and it's drafty as all hell in winter, too]].
* When told to leave their weapons behind, Horace notes that although Halt's throwing knife scabbard is lying on the desk, [[ProperlyParanoid there's no sign of the actual knife anywhere...]]
* Horace growing into his SarcasticDevotee role for Halt:
-->'''Halt:''' Look haughty. You're on an official mission for the King of Araulen.
--> '''Horace:''' [[LawfulGood I'm on a forged mission, as a matter of fact.]] [[DeadpanSnarker That's not something to look haughty about.]]
-->'''Halt:''' (proudly) They'll never know. I'm an expert forger.
--> '''Horace:''' That's not really something to be proud of, you know.
-->'''Halt:''' Aaah, I enjoy being around you, Horace. You remind me of how decadent I've become. Now, look haughty.
--> '''Horace:''' [[CallBack I'd rather look enigmatic.]] I think I've got that down pretty well by now.

* Will sums up the IKnowYouKnowIKnow trope in Book 8: "Oh, it's a case of they think I'll think that they'll do A, so they'll do B because I wouldn't think they'd think of that but then I might think I know what they're thinking they'll do A after all because I wouldn't think they'd think that way."
* Crowley and Gilan discussing Halt's TheLastDJ attitude:
-->'''Crowley:''' I sometimes wonder if it was a good idea having Halt train apprentices. He seems to teach them no respect for authority.
-->'''Gilan:''' Oh, he teaches us to respect authority. He just teaches us to ignore it when necessary.
* Just one of many examples of this occurs the first time he meets Morgarath:
-->'''Morgarath:''' You shot him? Where did you shoot him?
-->'''Halt:''' [[ExactWords In the tavern]].
-->'''Morgarath:''' I meant, ''where in the body'' did you shoot him?
* Just the fact that, on multiple occasions, instead of coming up with a proper alias, Halt just uses butchered Gallican [[DontExplainTheJoke ("Arratay" being close to the Gallican pronunciation of "stop." Or "Halt").]]

* More proof of this comes during ''Duel at Araulen,'' when Maddie sneaks into the fortress where Gilan and Horace are trapped. Having helped deliver vital information and make plans, she decides to catch up on some sleep.

** Before then, the excessive nonchalance with which Crawley awards Will his Oakleaf.

-->'''Will:''' A little less than three to one, as a matter of fact.
--> '''Horace:''' No matter. I'm sure we can manage. So, how many exactly?
--> '''Will:''' You mean, counting you and me?
--> '''Horace:''' Yes, I think we'd better count you and me. How many?
--> '''Will:''' Counting you and me...twenty-seven.
--> '''Horace:''' (flatly) [[OhCrap Twenty-seven.]]
--> '''Will:''' But they're Skandians, after all.
--> '''Horace:''' [[ThisIsGonnaSuck They'd better be.]]

*** Arald and Rodney exchange OhCrap glances

--> '''Selethen:''' Halt, I could be wrong, but I think you were just guilty of the same fault. I'm sure I heard you ask two questions just then.
--> '''Halt:''' (icily) Thank you for pointing that out, Lord Selethen.

--> '''Horace:''' I did. Because Halt is a Ranger. And Rangers are honorable men. Rangers never lie.

--> "No, it's not. And to hell with it if it is."

-->'''Horace:''' Are there many passes through the mountains?
-->'''Halt:''' [[HereWeGoAgain What?]]

-->"Halt had loomed large in his life for years. He was indefatigable. He was all-knowing. He was larger than life. [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking He was also seasick]].

--> '''Horace:''' What rhymes with Macindaw?

--> '''Horace:''' Use my tent. It's got a good soft bed.

--> '''Horace:''' Call it what you like. To me, it's unseen movement.

* In Book 8, Halt tells Horace about the magnificent castle of Dun Kilty: It's centuries older than Castle Araulen, was there long before the town grew up around it...[[MoodWhiplash and it's drafty as all hell in winter, too]].

--> '''Horace:''' (flatly) Twenty-seven.

--> '''Horace:''' They'd better be.

** Becomes a BrickJoke in Book 11, when Will faces exactly that situation.

** Horace explains, for the benefit of Will, that Halt had once explained that a group of young women were wearing very short skirts [[BlatantLies so that they could run very fast to carry messages.]] Will is agog that Horace actually believed that, to which Horace responds:

** Becomes a BrickJoke in Book 11.

* Arald, Rodney, and Pauline are discussing Halt's CowboyCop behaviour, and agree that something definitely needs to be done.

* The retiring Ranger Alun tells his comrades that he'll think of them all. [[VitriolicBestBuds He'll think of them when they're out hunting bad guys and sleeping in freezing-cold fields and ditches and he's tucked up nice and snug in a warm bed in Castle Araulen.]]

* In Book 8, Halt tells Horace about the magnificent castle of Dun Kilty: It's centuries older than Castle Araulen, was there long before the town grew up around it...[[TheLastOfTheseIsNotLikeTheOthers and it's drafty as all hell in winter, too]].

* When told to leave their weapons behind, Horace notes that although Halt's throwing knife scabbard is lying on the desk, [[ProperlyParanoid there's no sign of the actual knife anywhere...]]

* Despite above mentions of his artistic skill, Will is pretty good on the lute. [[RunningGag Actually, it's a mandola]]. He also made up a song about his mentor, Halt. It's not a very nice one, either. Said song is said to be a parody of an Araluen folk song called ''Old Joe Smoke'' which is the song Crowley asked Will to demonstrate his talent at both playing and singing for an undercover assignment. Halt is immediately suspicious of course.

* Despite above mentions of his artistic skill, Will is pretty good on the lute. [[RunningGag Actually, it's a mandola]]. He also made up a song about his mentor, Halt. It's not a very nice one, either.
** Which he accidentally plays in front of the latter. Crowley finds it hilarious, but Halt is definitely Not Amused.
* When Will is awarded the Silver Oakleaf in ''Erak's Ransom'', Alyss and Evanlyn are the ones to place it around his neck. Upon doing so, both of them impulsively kiss Will's cheeks and then [[GreenEyedMonster glare daggers at each other]].

* In the fourth book, Halt and Erak are tracking the Temujai army, and Halt approximates the number of horses they have, which turns out to be a good estimate. When Erak asked how he did that, Halt says that [[DeadpanSnarker he counted the number of hooves and divided by four]]. It takes Erak a second to realize that Halt is [[{{Troll}} screwing with him]].

-->'''Horace:''' I wasn't about to ask you "what"?

-->'''Horace:''' I forget. [[HereWeGoAgain What]] were we talking about?

* In the eleventh book, ''The Lost Stories'', more than half of the short story "PurpleProse" might make you laugh at loud.

* When Will is awarded the Silver Oakleaf in ''Erak's Ransom'', [[spoiler:Alyss and Evanlyn are the ones to place it around his neck. Upon doing so, both of them impulsively kiss Will's cheeks and then [[GreenEyedMonster glare daggers at each other]].]]

** Coffee in general seems to be the highest of SeriousBusiness for the majority of Rangers. Halt even admits to Evanlyn at one point that if someone wanted to trap himself, Gilan, or Will, all they'd have to do is bait the trap with a pot of coffee. Take note, Morgarath.

** Even better is Will's attempt to defuse the situation by pointing out a bird, and Halt's reply.

* In the fourth book, Halt and Erak are [[spoiler: tracking the Temujai army]], and Halt approximates the number of horses they have, which turns out to be a good estimate. When Erak asked how he did that, Halt says that [[DeadpanSnarker he counted the number of hooves and divided by four]]. It takes Erak a second to realize that Halt is [[{{Troll}} screwing with him]].

* When Will [[spoiler:is awarded the Silver Oakleaf]] in ''Erak's Ransom'', [[spoiler:Alyss and Evanlyn are the ones to place it around his neck. Upon doing so, both of them impulsively kiss Will's cheeks and then [[GreenEyedMonster glare daggers at each other]].]]
** Before then, the excessive nonchalance with which Crawley [[spoiler: awards Will his Oakleaf]].

* The entire scene from the beginning of ''Sorcerer in the North'', where Will defuses a standoff between desperate Skandian raiders and his fief by [[MadeOfWin inviting the Skandians]] [[RefugeInAudacity to a feast at the castle]]. HilarityEnsues.