Funny / Ranger's Apprentice

Spoilers Off applies to all Funny pages, so all spoilers are unmarked. You Have Been Warned!

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General/multi-book

• Almost any scene with Halt on a ship, period. No matter how many times he gets on one, he just cannot get used to them.
• Halt's obsession with coffee is often brought up and is just as often hilarious.
  • Not to mention his preference for honey in his coffee, which is treated by the other Rangers (including Crowley and Gilan) as a Bizarre Taste in Food.
    • Coffee in general seems to be the highest of Serious Business for the majority of Rangers. Halt even admits to Evanlyn at one point that if someone wanted to trap himself, Gilan, or Will, all they'd have to do is bait the trap with a pot of coffee. Take note, Morgarath.
  • In The Kings of Clonmel, Halt confronts King Ferris, his usurping younger brother, in an effort to stop Tennyson's plot. He asks if they can get some coffee while they talk and hears that Ferris hates coffee and doesn't keep it on hand. Horace notes that Halt seems more offended that his brother dislikes the Ranger beverage of choice than that he stole the throne from him.
• Doubling as a Call-Forward to Book 9, in The Tournament at Gorlan, Crowley asks Halt how he plans to get then-Prince Duncan out of the castle he's imprisoned in. Halt responds laconically that he'll go in while Crowley surrounds the castle.
  • Upon seeing the freezing-cold river he'll have to cross, Halt announces to Crowley that he's changed his mind: Crowley can go in and Halt will surround the castle.
  • Said incident in Book 9 has Malcolm ask Halt how the four of them will deal with the entire 200-strong Outsiders cult. Halt tells him that they'll surround them.
  • Similarly, Book 7 has Svengal telling Erak after having been captured that they've got the Tualaghi surrounded—from the inside.
• The Running Gag of Skandians, especially Svengal, being completely unable to ride a horse. Most notably in Book 7, when he falls off a horse and insists that it bucked him off by turning suddenly.
  Gilan: Plod hasn't done anything sudden in his life. At least, the last 15 years of it.
  Will: That's why we call him Plod.
• Any time a Ranger climbs on their new horse...who immediately bucks them off. This is part lesson, part hazing ceremony, as every Ranger horse is trained to immediately buck off anybody who doesn't give it their special passphrase, including the Ranger himself. This prevents theft, as Ranger horses are specially bred for intelligence and stamina.
• Just the fact that, on multiple occasions, instead of coming up with a proper alias, Halt just uses butchered Gallican ("Arratay" being close to the Gallican pronunciation of "stop." Or "Halt").

The Tournament at Gorlan

• The fallout of Halt criticizing Crowley's country love song goes from funny to hilarious. The group spends several minutes in a Seinfeldian Conversation about the necessity of rhymes and the fit of certain words. For instance, Halt suggests that the blacksmith in the song might have asked his lady-love for her hand and given her a cattle brand (because it rhymes), which Crowley hates. Eventually, Crowley invokes his new authority as elected commander to put an end to the matter. By that time, however, they've spent so long that everyone but Egon has missed another Ranger sitting on his horse in the road ahead.
• The Ranger, Norris, turns out to have No Sense of Humor, which naturally makes him The Comically Serious.
• The plan to capture the false Duncan:
  • At one point, two Rangers are sneaking up on some guards, who are already drunk and asleep. They need to make sure the guards don't wake up and raise the alarm, but are uncomfortable hitting unconscious people. So what do they do? Wake them up, then knock them out.
  • The imposter gets a bad time of things. After being knocked out, he's lugged to the staircase. Partway down, the Ranger carrying him loses his balance, dropping the fake, who tumbles awkwardly down the stairs. Afterwards, the second Ranger takes his opportunity to punch him unconscious again.

The Battle of Hackham Heath

• Crowley, discussing the leftover chicken he and Halt are having for lunch, offers the remaining drumstick to Halt. Halt eagerly accepts...only for Crowley to admit that he had no intention of sharing. Bewildered, Halt asked why he'd offered, then. Crowley shrugs that he'd hoped Halt would say no, so he could look generous.
• Halt tries to reassure a beggar he caught spying on him, but decides against a comforting smile, knowing that he'd look like a gargoyle.
• Halt calling the warghals Morgarath's "performing bears" when reassuring a soldier that they aren't in sight.
• Duncan's efforts to calm his soldiers when they have a lull before the battle:
  • The king forgoes a breakfast table to sit on the damp grass like his men and inquires playfully if the grass is soft enough for a royal backside. One of the veteran soldiers makes a show of preparing a particular spot, brushing aside stones and twigs and placing a somewhat dirty handkerchief on the ground. Duncan mock-threatens that he'll put the man in the stocks if he did the job poorly.
  • Afterwards, Duncan tells the men to get some rest, if possible, and stretches out gracelessly where he's sitting. He doesn't actually manage to sleep at all, but when he's called because Morgarath's forces are moving, he deliberately yawns and pretends annoyance that the rebel baron disrupted his nap.
• Master Chubb encourages the soldiers by bringing out some apples. Hearing this, Duncan makes an offhand comment that perhaps afterwards he'll poach the cook from Arald, who gives the king a Death Glare. Duncan wisely takes the warning, noting that one rebellious baron at a time is enough for him.
• Halt and Crowley snarking at each other after the battle of Hackham Heath (e.g., Halt saying that Crowley's empty quiver means he lost his arrows somewhere).

Book 1: Ruins of Gorlan

• While interviewing Jenny, Master Chubb asks what she would do with a turkey pie (that is, how she would make it).
  Jenny: Eat it, sir.
• In Book 1, Will climbs up the outside of the tower in order to discover what the piece of paper that Halt gave Arald said. After being caught and hauled before the Baron, Arald explains that it said that Halt had chosen Will as an apprentice. After talking more about being a Ranger, Arald dismisses Will with one last piece of advice:
  Arald: This time, use the stairs.
• It's then mentioned that Halt had gone. "At least, he appeared to be. With the Ranger, you could never be quite certain." Which brings to mind the image of Halt standing outside Arald's door the entire time just for kicks (and, admittedly, wouldn't be entirely out of character for him).
  • Halt also tells Arald about how easily Will climbed up the tower...easier, in fact, than Arald (a bit of a heavy eater) gets on his horse. Arald gets right back at him by claiming that the paper (containing Halt stating that he's going to take Will as an apprentice) contains Will's punishment.
• The fact that Halt expected Will to steal the paper and explicitly says he would've been disappointed if he hadn't is pretty funny as well, particularly given how much Will stresses out about it.
• When Halt gives Will his list of chores, he lists where all the various necessary materials are, ending with "...water in the river, and I believe you can see where the floor might be?"
• Halt tells Will that the Rangers were founded 150 years ago, in the reign of King Herbert. Will mentions that they learned about him in the Ward, and Halt gently prompts him to share what he knows. Unfortunately, Will has a brain freeze.
  Will: He was...the king. A hundred and fifty years ago.
• Halt explains to him that Herbert felt that the king needed an intelligence service.
  Will: An intelligent service?
  Halt: An intelligence service. Although it does help if your intelligence service is also intelligent.
• At first, Will isn't very into map reading. Halt points out that he'd find it a bit more useful if he were planning a route for a bunch of heavy cavalry and had forgotten that there's a river in the way.
• During the boar hunt, Baron Arald gushes to the nervous Will that he hopes the boar emerges from the thicket on their side. Will doesn't share the sentiment.
• Most of the chapter where the tables are turned on Horace's bullies. After they come to beat the stuffing out of Will for "embarrassing" the battle school by saving Horace's life, Halt catches them red-handed. Horace has turned up to protect Will (fresh off his own beating at their hands) and Halt forces the bullies to fight him one at a time rather than ganging up on him as they have been doing. The resulting Humiliation Conga involves spanking, Literal Ass-Kicking, and Halt continually mocking the trio.
• At Will's first Gathering, Halt explains that apprentices love to catch their former masters with their pants down, so to speak, and looks meaningfully at Will. Will is about to protest that he'd never do that, when he realizes that he would, too, and at the very first opportunity.
• After Will deduces that Halt was the one responsible for Morgarath's first defeat, he asks Halt about this.
  Halt: It's not important. Do you know what is important? Supper. And we'll be late if we don't hurry!

Book 2: The Burning Bridge

• Gilan tells the others that when he was a teenager, he attempted to sneak up on Halt in the forest. Will promptly lampshades what a terrible idea this was, which the latter agrees with.
• One of the funniest scenes in the entire series comes when Will and Horace team up on Gilan, who's been teaching them to use two knives to deal with a swordsman. Will questions Why Don't You Just Shoot Him?, and Gilan responds that sometimes your bowstring breaks, and you can't run and hide because you're up against a cliff. Then Horace chimes in:
  Horace: What about an axman?
  Gilan: An axman?
  Horace: Yes. What if you're facing an enemy with a battleax? Do your knives work then?
  Gilan: Beat I wouldn't advise anyone to face a battleax with just two knives.
  Will: So what do I do?
  Gilan: Shoot him.
  Will: Can't. My bowstring's broken.
  Gilan: (through gritted teeth) Then run and hide.
  Horace: But there's a cliff. A sheer drop behind him and an angry axeman coming at him.
  Will: So what do I do?
  Gilan: Jump off the cliff. It'll be less messy that way.
  • Becomes a Brick Joke in Book 11, when Will faces exactly that situation, but decides not to jump.
• A Battleschool apprentice made a remark about Will and Horace being sent off on a soft assignment because that was all they were good for. In Halt's hearing. When Rodney tells Arald about this, Arald's immediate response is to ask how the boy is. Thankfully, there's no lasting damage.
• Book 2 is also where Will and Horace's status as Vitriolic Best Buds is cemented, through exchanges like these:
  Horace: I used to think Halt was a sorcerer.
  Will: A sorcerer? He's nothing of the kind!
  Horace: Well, you used to think the same thing!
  Will: I was just a kid then!
  Horace: So was I!
• Arald, Rodney, and Pauline are discussing Halt's Cowboy Cop behaviour, and agree that something definitely needs to be done. This includes Arald using the word "brouhaha," and Pauline gently teasing him over it.
  Arald: He definitely needs taking in hand.
  Halt: You wanted to see me, my lord?
  • Arald and Rodney exchange Oh, Crap! glances.
  Arald: Ah, yes, Halt. Come in, come in. (Death Glare at Rodney) Close the door, will you?
  • When Arald references Halt and Pauline's relationship, Pauline gives him a Death Glare, and Rodney hastens to agree that he has no idea what his boss is talking about—he'll take Arald's anger over Pauline's any day.
• Said conversation refers to Halt's throwing a noble in the moat. Later, after he's heard an obnoxious nobleman insult Alyss and Pauline, Halt asks Alyss what they should do with him.
  Alyss: I wonder. Does this castle have a moat?
  • To make it even better, it's noted that the servants were in the middle of emptying the privy buckets.
• Riding home with Alyss, Halt reflects on her light-hearted, sweet, strong personality, and wishes he were twenty years younger. Then he has to be honest with himself.

Make that thirty.

• Horace and Will are accosted by a pair of bandits. Horace gives them one chance to turn around and leave.
  Carney: Oh, dear, Bart. It's our one chance. What'll us do?
  Bart: Oh, no. Let's run away.
  • These two then become the first of many characters to learn that when Horace Altman offers you a chance, you really should take it. Meanwhile, Gilan is watching the whole thing. And commenting on Horace's technique to Will like they're watching a movie!
    • Even better? Their names are a play on "Bert and Ernie."
• Having captured the robbers, Gilan now has to decide what to do with them. Since they've made themselves an inconvenience and have hindered and tried to assault a Ranger, he notes that he could have them hung. He then looks thoughtfully at the mountains around them.
  Gilan: The question is whether I can actually do that here...
  Will: You mean, you may not have the authority to hang them now we're not in the kingdom itself?
  Gilan: I hadn't considered that. I was just thinking it'd be difficult since there isn't a tree tall enough within several miles.
• Even Morgarath gets into the snarking:
  Morgarath: Captain Erak, where are you bound?
  Erak: My title, Lord Morgarath, is not 'Captain,' but 'Jarl.'
  Morgarath: Well then. I must remember that, in case it is ever of the slightest interest to me. I repeat, Captain Erak, where are you bound?
• Rodney's battle strategy: Just throw all the paperwork at the enemy and bury them in it.

Book 3: The Icebound Land

• Halt's Refuge in Audacity to get himself leave to go after Will: He gets himself (supposedly) drunk, insults the king in public (including saying that he was the product of his father and a hatcha-hatcha dancer), and gets himself banished (and it would have been for life, if not for Duncan's Loophole Abuse). Cassandra, when she discovers this in Book 4, finds this Actually Pretty Funny and starts laughing hysterically.
• Horace's Motor Mouth as he rides out with Halt.
• He tells Halt that Sir Rodney gave him his blessing...unofficially, of course.
  Halt: Well, he can hardly give you his official blessing to run off with a banished criminal, now can he?
• When Horace and Halt encounter a knight demanding toll, Halt grumps that this is going to make things difficult — not because this guy will present any kind of threat, but because the Roaring Rampage of Revenge that his family will mount after Halt kills him in an unchivalrous way will slow them down.
• He also says he tried to call Horace a member of "The Order of the Oakleaf", but may have instead called him a member of the Order of The Oak Pancake.
• While riding out to confront Deparnieux, Halt tells Horace to relax.
  Horace: Relax? You're going to confront an armored knight with nothing more than a bow, and you tell me to relax?
  Halt: I will have one or two arrows as well, you know.
  • The funniest part is that "one or two arrows" is pretty much all it takes.
• Halt telling Deparnieux that he's related to Hibernian royalty, sixth in line to the throne. As we learn in Book 8, he is lying...not about being Hibernian royalty, but about being sixth in line!^note  Because actually, he's first in line!

Book 4: Oakleaf Bearers/Battle for Skandia

• The conversation between Halt and Horace at the beginning of this book really has to be seen to be believed.
  Halt: [thinking Horace is about to ask yet another question] WHAT?
  Horace: What?
  Halt: That's what I want to know. What?
  Horace: [bewildered] What?
  Halt: Don't keep parroting me! Stop repeating what I say! I asked you "what" so don't ask me "what" back, understand?
  Horace: [very slowly] No.
  Halt: You were about to ask a question.
  Horace: I was?
  Halt: You were. I saw you take a breath to ask it.
  Horace: I see. And what was it about?
  Halt: That is what I was asking you! When I said "what", I was asking you about what you wanted to ask me.
  Horace: I wasn't about to ask you "what."
  Halt: Then what, if I may use that word once more, were you about to ask me?
  Horace: I forget. What were we talking about?
  • Halt shrugs it off and they continue for another few minutes. Then...
    Horace: Are there many passes through the mountains?
    Halt: What?
• Halt and Erak are tracking the Temujai army, and Halt approximates the number of horses they have, which turns out to be a good estimate. When Erak asked how he did that, Halt says that he counted the number of hooves and divided by four. It takes Erak a second to realize that Halt is screwing with him.
• While going on a scouting mission, Halt is forced to dress as a Skandian, since he doesn't want the Temujai to see a Ranger. But, since he's a Pint-Sized Powerhouse and pretty much all the Skandians are larger than average, he ends up in sagging, baggy clothes and a helmet which is much too big for his head.
• On the way back, Erak takes the ship through a rough spot. He mentions that Halt was as green as his cloak, and the latter says that the borrowed helmet has a "lived-in" feel to it, since it finally came of use for something. One hopes that the guy he borrowed it from has an extra.
• Erak tells Will and Halt that he captured a ship full of bows. He was planning to use them as fence palings, but they ended up being too flexible. Halt, utterly deadpan, tells him that that's one quality they look for in a bow.

  Erak: I suppose you'd know.

  • He then cheerfully adds that if the Rangers do decide to use the bows, he can bill Ragnak for the privilege of using them to defend Skandia.
• The Lemony Narrator noting that while it's reasonable and logical that Erak shouldn't be elected Oberjarl, "reason and logic often have very little to do with politics."

Book 5: Sorcerer of the North

• Will awkwardly explaining to Tug (who is not impressed) that they now have a dog.
• The entire scene from the beginning of Sorcerer in the North, where Will defuses a standoff between desperate Skandian raiders and his fief by inviting the Skandians to a feast at the castle. Hilarity Ensues.
• A later Gathering in Book 5 also has a classic Right Behind You moment:
  Will: [Crowley's] becoming too much of a creature of habit. He's used that hide [to conceal himself with] for the last three Gatherings. It's time he tried something new. Everyone must be onto it by now.
  Halt: Well, perhaps not everyone.
  Will: All the same, perhaps he's getting a bit long in the tooth to be skulking around hiding in the bushes, don't you think?
  Halt: Long in the tooth? Well, that's one option. Mind you, his silent movement skills are as good as ever.
  [Beat]
  Will: He's standing behind me, isn't he?
  Halt: *nods*
  Will: He's been there for a while, hasn't he?
  Halt: *nods*
  Will: Is he...close enough to have heard what I said?
  Crowley: Oh, good grief, no. He's so old and decrepit these days he's as deaf as a post.
• Despite below mentions of his artistic skill, Will is pretty good on the lute. Actually, it's a mandola. He also made up a song about his mentor, Halt. It's not a very nice one, either. Said song is said to be a parody of an Araluen folk song called Old Joe Smoke and the song Crowley asked Will to perform so they could see if he could pose as a Jongleur or minstrel. Halt is immediately suspicious, of course.
  • Will then accidentally plays the parody version in front of the latter. Crowley finds it hilarious, but Halt is definitely Not Amused.

Book 6: The Siege of Macindaw

• In Book 6, Will's Motor Mouth absolutely (and unintentionally) destroying Horace's and his own cover.
  Will: A cover name? Who gave you a cover name? Who sent you?
  Horace: Didn't you get the message? Halt and Crowley thought you might need some help...
  Will: So they sent you to tell me it was on the way?
  Horace: (patiently) As I said, they thought you might need a grown-up to look after you, so they sent me along.
• While riding back to Grimsdell, the boys discuss a potential name for the dog. Horace, being his usual pragmatic self, decides on Blackie. Will objects, but Horace lets out a whistle and tells her to stay (which she does). Will protests that she was only responding to the whistle, and that he could've called her "Bread and Butter Pudding."
  Horace: "Bread and Butter Pudding?" That's your suggestion for a name, is it? Oh yes, that's much better than Blackie.
  Will: I simply meant she stopped because you whistled.
  • As they ride up to the dog, Will mutters, "Traitor."
  Horace: Traitor?" Well, that's a slight improvement on Bread and Butter Pudding, wouldn't you say, Blackie?
• Later, they discuss besieging Macindaw:
  Horace: Catapults. Mangonels. Trebuchets. The sort of things that throw rocks and giant spears and dead cows at the defenders and batter down the walls.
  Will: Dead cows? Why would throw dead cows at the walls?
  Horace: You throw them over the walls. It's supposed to spread disease and lower the defender's morale.
  Will: I don't suppose it does much for the cows' morale either.
  Horace: Forget the dead cows.
  • After this, and a discussion where Horace says that they definitely need at least a three to one majority for a siege to work (Macindaw has roughly forty soldiers), Horace asks the question Will's been dreading: How many men they have.
    Will: A little less than three to one, as a matter of fact.
    Horace: No matter. I'm sure we can manage. So, how many exactly?
    Will: You mean, counting you and me?
    Beat, Horace stares at Will.
    Horace: ..Yes, I think we'd better count you and me. How many?
    Will: Counting you and me...twenty-seven.
    Horace: (flatly) Twenty-seven.
    Will: But they're Skandians, after all.
    Horace: They'd better be.
• Offering lunch to Will and Horace, Malcolm is impressed by their Humble Hero Nice Guy attitudes. Then he watches how much coffee they drink and compares them to a horde of locusts.
• Will welcomes the Skandians to "Healer's Clearing," promising them that no one means them harm.

  Horace: (under his breath) Unless it's that idiot secretary.

  Will: (equally quietly) Shut up.

• He then offers to introduce Horace to his men. Horace isn't fooled for a second.

  Horace: I'll command them, as long as we do exactly what you tell us to, right?

  • Will pauses for a moment, before admitting that Horace is correct.
• Horace's "expert grasp of Skandian debating tactics:" Grabbing Nil's helmet, slamming it down on his head, breaking his nose with a palm strike, and then calmly holding him at swordpoint.
• Horace mentioning Will's drawing skills (or complete lack thereof). Even Malcolm gets in on it. Will isn't laughing.

  Will: Now I know why they call comedians "fools."

  Malcolm: Ah, it does you good to start the day off with a laugh.

  Will: It's late morning.

  Malcolm: Better late than never.

• Also, the whole sequence during the siege where Horace is bored and trying to think up a poem.

  Horace: What rhymes with Macindaw?

• At the end of the book, Will and Alyss share some UST, before Will awkwardly walks out, rests his head against the wall, and says, "Oh, damn it all." Inside, Alyss is saying exactly the same thing.
• Combined with heartwarming, Horace at one point lists his titles, and adds that he's the personal champion of Princess Cassandra.
  Will: Since when have you been Cassandra's champion?
  Horace: I'm not, actually. But I'm sure it's just a matter of time.

Book 7: Erak's Ransom

• When Selethen captures the Skandians, he says that he's only looking for the Oberjarl.
  Axl: You'll have to take us all to get him!
  Erak: Well done, Axl. You've just told them I'm here.
• While preparing for the wedding, Pauline casually mentions to Halt that he should get a haircut. He agrees that he'll give it a trim (with his saxe knife). Cue Death Glare.
  Halt: (very meekly) I'll get a haircut.
• Gilan reflecting on his old mentor:

  "Halt had loomed large in his life for years. He was indefatigable. He was all-knowing. He was larger than life. He was also seasick."

• Evanlyn manipulating Selethen into admitting that there's a large reward out for Iqbal is both funny and awesome.
• When Will is awarded the Silver Oakleaf, Alyss and Evanlyn are the ones to place it around his neck. Upon doing so, both of them impulsively kiss Will's cheeks and then glare daggers at each other.
  • Before then, the excessive nonchalance with which Crowley awards Will his Oakleaf.
    • In Will's own words, "...Rangers weren't big on ceremony. Maybe Graduation Day was like any other day. Except you graduated." He couldn't be more correct.
    • In order, Crowley bursts into the room off schedule, then asks Halt if Will is proficient in his skills and answers the question before Halt can respond. He then flicks through Will's formal declaration of Rangerhood making the barest possible effort to read it (he technically has to), rushes Will through signing (while choosing a last name for Will since there are three other Wills in the Ranger Corps), and cheers quickly before asking what they want to drink. The entire process takes less than two minutes.
    • It turns out that this is a hazing that every single Ranger goes through when they graduate, just to mess with them.
    Crowley: "You, Will, have shown the necessary proficiency in the weapons a Ranger uses: the bow, the saxe knife, the throwing knife." (To Halt) "He has shown that proficiency, hasn't he? Of course he has. And so on and so on and hi diddle dee dee..."
• Horace and Will share a deep, poignant, and moving Friendship Moment at the very end of the book, before taking a few seconds to just relax and enjoy the sunrise.

  Will: Best time of day.

  Horace: Yes. What's for breakfast?

Book 8: The Kings of Clonmel

• Will and Gilan meet up to ride to the Ranger's Gathering together. They spend a few minutes playfully jibing, while their horses apparently do likewise. Then Will tells Gilan that Tug was probably expressing pity for Gilan's horse having to cart around a lanky bag of bones...which is when Tug tosses his head and both horses look at Gilan. It was probably coincidence — at least, that's what Gilan tells himself.
• Crowley teases Will with the "training exercise" he assigns him to oversee, which he says will amuse the younger Ranger. The three apprentices he's assessing have to come up with a solution to a scenario that rather closely mirrors his mission at Castle Macindaw not too long ago.
• As he's retiring, Ranger Alun tells his comrades that he'll think of them all. He'll think of them when they're out hunting bad guys and sleeping in freezing-cold fields and ditches and he's tucked up nice and snug in a warm bed in Castle Araulen.
• Apparently, Jenny (now managing her own kitchen in the village) once hit Master Chubb over the head with a ladle when the man made a humble suggestion about a dish perhaps needing just a bit more spice. He apologized. The student truly has become the master.
• Horace once suggested that he give ladle-whacking lessons to Battleschool students. He wasn't entirely joking, either.
• The trip to Hibernia has a number of funny moments:
  • Horace can't believe that Halt is actually royalty. Halt takes some offense at this, leading Horace to try to fumble his way out of the hole he's dug. Will attempts to defuse the situation by pointing out a bird and asking if it's a red-tailed hawk. Halt doesn't even look before replying.
    Halt: No, it's not. And to hell with it if it is.
  • Halt loses control to Horace when Halt, pretending to be offended, asks Horace if he's ever lied to the young warrior. Horace fixes on a very particular incident from the mission to save Will from Skandia:
    Horace: Well...there were those girls.
    Halt: Oh...yes.
  • Horace explains, for Will's benefit, that Halt had once claimed that a group of young women were wearing very short skirts so that they could run very fast to carry messages. Will is agog both that Halt said something like that and that Horace actually believed it. Horace's (entirely straight faced) response?:
    Horace: I did. Because Halt is a Ranger. And Rangers are honorable men. Rangers never lie.
    • Cue one of the very few moments in the entire series when Halt is at a loss for a snappy comeback.
  • Upon approaching an inn where Will is doing his jongleur act to eavesdrop, Horace says that he's bringing the roof down. Halt glances up at the rickety structure and notes that wouldn't take much doing.
  • Horace complains about breakfast when Will comes to compare notes after his jongleur act, and Halt tells him that road rations build character. When Will reveals some inn food he was given for the road, Halt is as quick as Horace to take some of the provisions, and when called on it, he declares loftily that he has more than enough character; it's only Will and Horace who need it.
• Crawling out of Will's tent (which they had to share) one damp morning, Halt kvetches to himself about how his joints are aching, the dewy patches on his knees aren't helping, and how he's in general getting too old for this. Then Horace crawls out of the tent without letting his knees touch the ground at all and springs lithely to his feet. Halt spends the rest of the morning grumpy about young people.
• Will sums up the I Know You Know I Know trope while he and Halt are discussing the timing of the bandits' attack on Crickennis: "Oh, it's a case of they think I'll think that they'll do A, so they'll do B because I wouldn't think they'd think of that but then I might think I know what they're thinking they'll do A after all because I wouldn't think they'd think that way."
• Halt suggests to Horace that they go fishing. Horace, who's spent the last several years in Castle Araulen, is surprised, since he doesn't see Halt as a genteel, fishing rod kind of person. Halt replies that he doesn't—he shoots them with an arrow. Horace is slightly horrified.
• Right before a battle, Will and Halt reflect on how calm Horace is despite the upcoming battle and how they're both a bit nervous and tense. Cue a switch to Horace's POV, where he's reflecting on the butterflies in his stomach and how Will and Halt seem as cool as a cucumber.
• Halt, whose plan involves disguising Horace as a legendary hero, tells him to sit on his horse some distance away from Crickennis and look enigmatic. Horace doesn't know the word. Initially, Halt tells him to look as though he has many things to say but won't, and then changes his instructions, telling Horace to look as though someone waved an old fish under his nose.
• Halt tells Horace about the huge, magnificent castle of Dun Kilty: It towers over the neighboring village, it's centuries older than Castle Araulen, was there long before the town grew up around it...and it's drafty as all hell in winter, too.
• Horace growing into his Sarcastic Devotee role for Halt:
  Halt: Look haughty. You're on an official mission for the King of Araulen.
  Horace: I'm on a forged mission, as a matter of fact. That's not something to look haughty about.
  Halt: (proudly) They'll never know. I'm an expert forger.
  Horace: That's not really something to be proud of, you know.
  Halt: Aaah, I enjoy being around you, Horace. You remind me of how decadent I've become. Now, look haughty.
  Horace: I'd rather look enigmatic. I think I've got that down pretty well by now.
• When they're told to leave their weapons behind before seeing the king, Horace notes that although Halt's throwing knife scabbard is lying on the desk, there's no sign of the actual knife anywhere...
• One chapter, discussing Tennyson's hulking guards, Gerard and Killeen, notes that the cult's "god of friendship", Alseiass, did not give them much love for their fellow man.
• In Dun Kilty, Halt's snarking off about the innkeeper's attention to Horace earns him a Death Glare. It's mentioned that he's faced down Morgarath, Kalkara, Wargals, and bloodthirsty Skandians without a quaver...but an angry innkeeper is a whole other matter.
• Will and Halt's Snark-to-Snark Combat when the younger Ranger turns up unexpectedly in his and Horace's inn room, starting when Will says that he thought he'd stumbled on Sleeping Beauty and her ugly sister and ending when Halt tells Horace never to have an apprentice.
• Halt explains to Will and Horace that since there is no guarantee that the royal heir to a kingdom will be a good ruler, even if the parent was a good ruler, he prefers the Skandian method of election. Then later in the book after Halt unsuccessfully tries to convince his usurper twin brother, King Ferris of Clonmel, to take the threat of a cult seriously, Horace pretends to have a moneymaking scheme of some sort in mind and asks if he and Ferris can talk privately. Once they're out of sight in the dressing room, he knocks him out.
  Halt: Horace Altman, what on earth have you done?
  Horace [gesturing towards Ferris's closet] I've just elected you King. Start getting dressed.
  • The funniest part is of course when Halt realizes he's lost control of the situation, and to Horace of all people.
• As part of the disguise, Halt needs to trim his hair and beard to match his brother's. And so Will and Horace find out that Halt does, in fact, cut his hair with his saxe knife. Horace also has to dye Halt's hair and darken his previously covered skin to match his brother's. Halt complains the whole way.
• The last chapter:
  • Excusing himself, Halt says that Horace is waiting for him and he's probably hungry.
  • When Halt arrives after the council about the next monarch of Clonmel, Horace cheekily asks if he should call him King Halt. Halt threatens to cuff his ear if he does.
  • Horace gives Halt some news: Will sent a message that they should meet him in a particular town to pick up the pursuit of Tennyson. Halt wants to set off immediately, much to Horace's dismay; he'd been hoping to eat the midday meal first. At the end of the conversation, he mutters that he knew he should have waited to give Halt the message until after lunch.

Book 9: Halt's Peril

• Halt and Horace arrive in the Karellen, where Will is having trouble with his pursuit of Tennyson thanks to an uncooperative local, Black O'Malley. Halt, grinning, says that he'll get the information out of the man. He has a sparkling personality and people love talking to him.
• Before going into the Heron tavern after Black O'Malley, Halt asks Horace if he's clear on what he's supposed to do. Horace answers that his part in the plan is to stand near Halt while he interrogates the man, keep an eye on O'Malley's two henchman, and if Halt gives him the signal, "whack 'em."
• The trio is forced to book passage on a ship to catch Tennyson. When the captain mocks Halt for being seasick, Horace asks whether his first mate is a capable sailor. The captain considers it so obvious it doesn't bear asking, but Horace puts a stop to the wisecracks by remarking that if he keeps teasing Halt (who's already in a bad mood), the first mate may have to sail them to Picta after Halt throws him overboard.
• We are given what is possibly the most hilarious conversation of the entire series.
  Horace: How do you stampede cattle?
• After Horace gets just a little too pedantic about the legend behind the name of One Raven Pass, Halt notes that he loves Horace "like a younger brother. Even a second son, after Will. He admired his skill with a sword and his courage in battle. But sometimes, just sometimes, he felt an overwhelming desire to ram the young warrior's head against a convenient tree."
  Halt: You have no sense of drama or symbolism, do you?
  Horace: Huh?
  "Halt looked around for a convenient tree. Luckily for Horace, there were none in sight."
• Will remembers trying to learn the snake crawl in his apprentice days. Every time he thought he was making progress, Halt would mock him for letting his backside stick up and threaten to put an arrow in it.
• Horace gets to wear a Ranger cloak, and Hilarity Ensues. He keeps asking Halt and Will if they can see him now that he's got the cloak, and eventually Will just snaps.
  Will: Horace. You're sitting on top of a great big brown battlehorse. It's nearly two meters high and three meters long and it weighs a quarter of a ton. Of course I can see you.
  • Upon further teasing from Horace, Will decides to ignore him and announces that they'll push on for a few more hours before they stop for the night. Horace agrees cheerfully, then worries that they might lose track of him. He could just disappear in the dark. For just a second, Will wishes that his friend would disappear.
• Upon recounting how he saw Will stealing Master Chubb's pies, Horace spots a logical flaw in the order of proceedings, and asks Halt why he was there if he hadn't yet noticed Will. Halt asks indignantly if they're accusing him of planning to steal the pies for himself.
  Horace: Of course not, Halt! [Beat] I just thought I'd give you the opportunity to confess.
  Halt: You know, Horace, you used to be a most agreeable young man. Whatever happened to you?
  Horace: I've spent too much time around you, I suppose.
  • And after thinking it over, Halt reluctantly agrees with that.
• Will mentions Lady Pauline to Malcolm, telling him that she's a "mighty sorceress," and noting that her power is such that she could make Halt get a haircut for their wedding.

  Malcolm: A mighty sorceress indeed.

Book 10: The Emperor of Nihon-Ja

• Will at one point starts snarking at Halt in front of a dignitary from a foreign country. The other man asks if Will is being funny. Halt corrects the man: Will is not being funny. Will thinks he is being funny.
• This bit of dialogue:
  Halt: Do you ever manage to ask just one question at a time? Or does it always have to be multiple choice with you?
  Will: Do I do that? Are you sure?
  • Halt raises his hands in a "See what I mean" gesture, and Selethen responds:
    Selethen: Halt, I could be wrong, but I think you were just guilty of the same fault. I'm sure I heard you ask two questions just then.
    Halt: (icily) Thank you for pointing that out, Lord Selethen.
• The end of Book 10, in which Horace proudly states that he has been named "Kurokuma" (Black Bear) by the Nihon-Ja, in recognition of his prodigious strength and mighty prowess on the battlefield. Alyss then punctures his ego by telling him that it's actually because of his prodigious appetite and mighty prowess at the dinner table. As a matter of fact, both are true, but still, it's hilarious.
  • This becomes a Brick Joke in Duel at Araulen, when Gilan, having engaged in Back-to-Back Badasses with his friend, recalls how Horace earned the Red Baron "Black Bear," and Horace self-deprecatingly shrugs that it was more about his appetite.
  • At first, Horace suggested that it might be because he's terrible in battle.
  Will: That's true. I've seen you in battle and you're definitely terrible.
  • Similarly, Will is nicknamed "Chocho" (butterfly). Evanlyn suggests that it's because those Rangers are such snazzy, colorful dressers. Even Alyss finds it Actually Pretty Funny, while Will sulks.
• The Running Gag of Will and Horace demanding to know what their names mean, and being told "it's a term of great respect."
• After the celebrations of Horace and Evanlyn's engagements, Will and Alyss are standing with their arms around each other at the bow. He awkwardly suggests to Alyss that they "should think about doing something like that." She pulls away from his arm and declares that he'll have to do a lot better than that before storming away...so she can hide the delighted grin spread all over her face.
• Cassandra, having confronted Alyss' jealousy over Will one time too many, is literally reduced to inarticulate screaming, and points out just how ridiculous it is that an expert diplomat can’t see the obvious answer of Cass being in love with Horace, not Will.
  "Why do you think I came halfway across the world? Because Horace is a good dance partner?
  • Even funnier when one remembers that she's no doubt been trained in royal decorum since she could walk and talk, but she is just. That. Frustrated with Alyss' petty jealousy.

Book 11: Lost Stories

• The framing device of this book: future archeologists have found the house of the legendary Rangers Halt and Will. That by itself isn’t funny. One of the assistants comes to the lead digger with a locked chest. When asked how she found it, she sheepishly admits she had dug a hole away from the digsite for some “private business”, and noticed the box in the hole right before she “did her business” on it. The lead archaeologist cuts her off before she explains further, saying that they regret asking.
• Halt continually mocking Crowley's whistling, including noting that his fief must be a depressing place if people consider it jaunty.
• More than half of the short story "Purple Prose" might make you laugh out loud.
  • Will tries to prepare a speech for Horace and Evanlyn's wedding, so he goes to Halt and Lady Pauline. Will's speech? Many complicated words tied together to try to make a "memorable" speech. Halt's reaction of disgust makes it even better.
  • After hearing Halt's criticism of his speech, Will tries it out on his animals. Tug offers to listen.
  Will: Horses don't have weddings.
  Tug: No, but we do have bridles.
  • Upon actually hearing the speech, Tug falls asleep on his feet. (Until Will gets up, at which point he asks for an apple). A vexed Will tells him to dream one up.
  • Will then tries out the speech on his dog Ebony, who wags her tail approvingly. Then Will realizes she's just wagging her tail whenever she hears her name.
• At his wedding ceremony, Horace stands next to Will, both of them watching Cassandra and Alyss come up the aisle. Horace says "My God, she's beautiful," and Will agrees—neither of them realizing that they're talking about two different people.
• Will is working on some utterly dull paperwork for the Battleschool. Halt comes in, announces that they have a mission, tears up the paperwork, and tells him to leave Gilan a note telling him to take care of it.
• One of the items the future historian finds is a cracked ladle. Of course, it might be cracked just due to the passage of time, but given Master Chubb's choice of weapon...
• Jenny gets A Day in the Limelight when she ends up taking out a trio of bandits who elected to hide out in her house while after a robbery. That's not the funny part. The funny part is how she does it: by clubbing one in the head with a roast, incapacitating another with a set of cooking knives, and letting Gilan have the third one when he tries to get away. Chef of Iron, indeed.
  Jenny: (at the end of a long rant) ...And they had your dinner!
  Gilan: (looking over the now-beaten robbers) Well... I don't think they enjoyed it.
• Crowley and Gilan discussing Halt's The Last DJ attitude (which becomes Hilarious in Hindsight after Gilan becomes Commandant):
  Crowley: I could order you to do the paperwork, I suppose.
  Gilan: You could. And then I would ignore you.
  Crowley: I sometimes wonder if it was a good idea having Halt train apprentices. He seems to teach them no respect for authority.
  Gilan: Oh, he teaches us to respect authority. He just teaches us to ignore it when necessary.
  • Shortly afterwards, Gilan adds that he should leave immediately. Both because it's not the Ranger way to hang around and be lazy, and because he's afraid Crowley might actually order him to do the paperwork for him.
• Morgarath and Halt fail to hit it off on the right foot:
  Morgarath: You shot him? Where did you shoot him?
  Halt: In the tavern.
  Morgarath: I meant, where in the body did you shoot him?
• Duncan meets Shigeru. Duncan being the respectful man he is, he bows deeply. Shigeru bows even more deeply...and then they both agree to straighten up quickly, otherwise their backs might never allow them to get up at all.
• Arald notes that the spirit of competition between Jenny and Chubb is one of the best things that ever happened to him.

Book 12: The Royal Ranger

• A couple of guards are discussing how Cassandra used to be a Tomboy who snuck around the forest at night. One of them comments how you'd never guess that-she's so calm and dignified now, isn't she? Cue Gilligan Cut.
  Cassandra: WHERE THE BLIND BLUE BLITHERING BLAZES HAVE YOU BEEN?
• It's mentioned that after Crowley died, Halt was considered for the role of Commandant, but that would've involved him doing paperwork all day.
• A tense scene in which Will genuinely believed Maddie to be dead is broken by Maddie sitting up...and asking for breakfast. At Will's utter bewilderment, she shrugs that she is, after all, her father's daughter.

The Royal Ranger 2: The Red Fox Clan

• Maddie being a Large Ham as she pretends to be a Princess Classic with no archery skills. Since she can't show off her Ranger skills, she deliberately aims at the outer edge of the target and gasps when she "accidentally" gets a bulls-eye.

The Royal Ranger 3: Duel at Araulen

• Maddie sneaks into the fortress where Gilan and Horace are trapped. Having helped deliver vital information and make plans, she decides to catch up on some sleep.
  Horace: Use my tent. It's got a good soft bed.
  Gilan: Of course, as a Ranger, she could sleep quite comfortably on the hard ground, wrapped in her cloak.
  Maddie: I could do that, as you say. But it's not obligatory.
  Gilan: I could make it an order.
  Maddie: And I would ignore it if you did.
  Gilan: My authority seems to be slipping. Young people just don't have the respect they used to. When I was young, I never would have spoken to my Commandmant with such disrespect.^note  Somewhere, Crowley is rolling in his grave
  Maddie: But things were so different in the olden days. I've often wondered, how did you manage before they discovered fire?
  Gilan: Get some sleep. (To Horace) What about you? You were up half the night as well.
  Horace: I'll take your tent. You can sleep on the hard ground, rolled in your cloak. You're a Ranger, after all.
• After Maddie leaves, the following conversation ensues:
  Gilan: She's very good. Will has taught her well.
  Horace: You're all very good. I can never see any of you when you start sneaking around.
  Gilan: "Sneaking around?" We prefer to call it "unseen movement."
  Horace: Call it what you like. To me, it's sneaking around.

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