History Funny / Radio

* What, nobody's mentioned ''TheHitchHikersGuideToTheGalaxy'' yet? Almost too many to count, but the one that hooked me into the series was "You'll need to have this fish in your ear."

* BobAndRay: Interviewing the Komodo dragon expert.
** And the president of The Slow Talkers of America.
*** And the one 'Mary Backstayge' ep featuring the gang lost in Rome, at the high point of each incident in which Calvin keeps asking 'if this is anything like deja vu?'

* ''LumAndAbner'': Abner writes out a public service slogan for famed local guru Diogenes: "Him what helps his momma is a good boy." Lum thinks it is the stupidest thing he's ever heard. Diogenes hears it and, much to Lum's shock, thinks it's poignant and brilliant. Then, to Lum's utter horror, he orders Lum to pass out pamphlets with this ridiculous, embarassing slogan.
* RoundTheHorne:
** The 3 Musketeers, Part 1:
-->Douglas Smith: "He persuaded the king to hold an enormous ball..."
-->Hugh Paddick (Probably): (Interrupting)"Don't drop it Louis!"

* It's damn difficult to pick a single moment out of ''TheGoonShow'''s surreality - the series was consistently funny, but [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSSGiA4f5cs "What time is it Eccles?"]] would be up there,with this one right behind:
-->'''Bluebottle:''' Oh, a cocktail. Good health. [Gulps]
-->(FX: Huge rumbling explosion - the kind where you hear bricks & bits of timber falling in the distance)
-->'''Bluebottle:''' You rotten swine! You have nearly deaded me - look, my kneecaps have dropped four inches. Who made that cocktail?
-->'''Gravely Headstone:''' Molotov.
** I has taken a look at da [[http://www.thegoonshow.net/quotes.asp quotes here]] an I tink I likes dem.
** [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_iLElHqv-w Meta-example]]: SpikeMilligan at the 1994 British Comedy Awards, [[ScrewPolitenessImASenior at the age of seventy-six]], after being given his lifetime achievement award.
--->'''Jonathan Ross:''' I have a letter to read out to you from [[BritishRoyalFamily His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales]].\\
'''Spike Milligan:''' Do I kneel down for this?\\
'''Jonathan Ross:''' "As someone who grew up to the sounds of ''The Goon Show'' on the steam-driven wireless, I must confess that I've been a lifelong fan of the participants in the show and particularly of Spike Milligan..."\\
'''Spike Milligan:''' Oh, the little grovelling bastard.

* ''Wait, Wait...Don't Tell Me!'' had an unbelievably funny one in a best-of episode a few months back about how annoying the paperclip from Microsoft Word is and how many people would like to kill him (including, it turns out, Bill Gates). The whole monologue is hilarious but the last line is hysterical:
-->"'It looks you're digging a grave! Is this a business grave or a personal grave?'"
** There was also the whole bit on [[http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/45635-duck-emerges-victorious-from-car-incident Peepers the Duck]] accidentally foiling a bank robbery.
--> '''Adam Felber''': In retrospect, that was the most deeply flawed part of our plan. Next time, NO DUCKS!!
** And then there's the time George Takei was the Not My Job guest, and ended up in one of the best ItMakesSenseInContext moments ever:
---> '''Peter Sagal''': So, let me get this straight: you're going to "go down flaming" because you "believe men are necessary."

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* ''Radio/AdventuresInOdyssey'': In one of the sketches in the [[ShowWithinAShow KYDS Radio]] episode "The Devil Made Me Do It," a criminal pleads not guilty of breaking-and-entering and robbery in court because "the devil made me do it." As he puts it, "He kept talking to me, you know, tempting me, and before I knew it, I was in somebody's house at midnight stuffing a VCR in my pants."
** "[[IRememberBecause I know it was midnight, 'cause]] the clock on the VCR kept blinking--you know, "12:00, 12:00, 12:00"..."
** "Broken Window": During the impromptu "trial" over who broke a window in Whit's End, Rodney unexpectedly [[TalkingToHimself calls Mitch]] ("...whatever-your-last-name-is") as a character witness.
--->'''Mitch''': Why in the world would you want me for a character witness?
--->'''Rodney''': YOU DON'T KNOW ME VERY WELL!
** "Fairy Tale-E-Vision" is another KYDS Radio sketch, comprised of Little Miss Muffet flipping through the channels in Fairy-Tale Land. It's a funny episode in general, but morals aside, the highlight be an out-of-context news hook.
--->'''Female Announcer''': And what are little boys made of? The answer may surprise you.
** Near the end of the otherwise emotional episode "Connie", when Connie returns to Whit's End, we hear in passing how the Bible Room has been empty ever since Eugene (newly arrived and still getting used to working here) added a display depicting the Spanish Inquisition...
* ''[[ImSorryIHaventAClue I'm Sorry, I Haven't A Clue]]'' has about one of these per episode, but the crowning moment of [[{{Calvinball}} Mornington Crescent]] has ''got'' to be the sat nav system that fell in love with Jeremy Hardy.
--> '''Jeremy:''' Fulham Broadway.
--> '''Satnav:''' ''I love you Jeremy.''
--> '''Jeremy:''' Not now!
--> '''Satnav:''' ''Please sing to me. Please.''
--> '''Jeremy:''' No!
** Musical Families, the One where Graeme Garden Sings Louis Armstrong's "It's A Wonderful World" in the style of Neil Armstrong, which seems boring until the first line;
--->"I See Trees of Green...(Beep)...Red Roses too"
** Or The Sound Charades where Tim Brooke-Taylor And Jeremy Hardy have to so "The Sopranos"
** Graeme and Barry's censored version of "My Favorite Things":
---> ''* bleep* * bleep* and
---> * bleep* * bleep* and
---> * bleep* * bleep* and * bleep* * bleep*
---> ''* bleep* * bleep* and
---> * bleep* * bleep* and
---> * bleep* * bleep* and * bleep* * bleep*
---> * bleep* * bleep* and
---> * bleep* * bleep* all tied up with string,
---> These are a few of my favourite things...''
*** Also, on that note, their hilariously simple rendition of "All Through The Night"
---->''bzz-bzz, bzz-bzz\\
All through the night\\
bzz-bzz, bzz-bzz\\
All through the night\\
bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz\\
'''ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT!'''''
*** The following rendition of (spoilered because it reveals the gag) [[spoiler: "My Grandfather's ''Clock''"]].
---->My grandfather's ''bzz'' was too large...\\
So it stood ninety years on the floor...\\
It was taller than half of the old man himself...\\
Though it weighed not a pennyweight more!\\
It was ''bzz'' on the morn of the day that he was born...\\
And was always--''(starts cracking up)''--his treasure and pride...\\
But it stopped short never to go again\\
When the old man died!
** The "Swanee Kazoo" rendition of "Tequila" where the swanee whistle attempted to play the whole melody and the kazoo's only contribution was the "tequila!" at the end of the line.
** The 30th anniversary show. It has StephenFry's definition of "countryside" as "to kill Piers Morgan," Humph saying that the only way he could read the producer's handwriting was to pin it up on a board and run past it, lots of abuse of Barry and HoYay between him and Stephen, a Close Quotes round including this:
--->'''William Hague:''' I was in the school choir even though I couldn't sing very well. I went on all the German trips even though I didn't study German. I went on all the R.E. trips even though I didn't study R.E. I was...
--->'''Graeme:''' I was the coach driver.
:: and this[=:=]
--->'''Tony Blair:''' This dome is going to opened on time and on budget, it will not be torn down, it will be a lasting asset for the country, it is a triumph in the end for confidence over cynicism, boldness over blandness, and...
--->'''Tim:''' Arse over tit.
:: ...a game of Mornington Crescent commentated on by Raymond Baxter, a game of Cheddar Gorge that turns into WordSalad ("While." "This." "Can." "Be." Constituted." "To." "A." "Lack." "Of." "[[LampshadeHanging Grammar]]..."), and the second page quote[=:=]
---> ''"For a show such as this to have lasted thirty years might be thought achievement enough in itself. But to have brought joy and laughter to thousands of listeners... might at least have been worth a try."''
** Another Close Quotes one:
--->'''MargaretThatcher''' At this Conference last year, you'll remember that I said, "The National Health Service is safe with us"......\\
'''Willie Rushton''' April Fool!
** More Close Quotes, these ones from Cherie Blair's autobiography:
--->'''Cherie Blair:''' I'd gone to a girl's convent school, where the nuns had always encouraged us to use all our...
--->'''Tim Brooke-Taylor:''' ... batteries sparingly.
::: And[=:=]
--->'''Cherie Blair:''' After a Christmas dinner hosted by Derry Irvin, a lot of drink had been drunk, and Tony was decidedly...
--->'''Phill Jupitus:''' ... not that picky.
::: And[=:=]
--->'''Cherie Blair:''' It was quite cold that night, and I quite like my husband, and I'm afraid to say that the Queen was...
--->'''Tim Brooke-Taylor:''' ... not up for a threesome.
::: And[=:=]
--->'''Cherie Blair:''' I never wore makeup at all until 1994, when someone said...
--->'''Graeme Garden:''' "I'm so sorry, I was trying to post a letter."
* With over four decades' worth of episodes, ''JustAMinute'' has plenty of moments from which to choose, but here are some noteworthy ones.
** Given the subject of "Body language", Stephen Fry opened thus:
--->'''Stephen Fry:''' My bottom speaks fluent German...
::: This was as far as he was able to get before riotous laughter from the audience, the other panellists, and host Nicholas Parsons cut him off. Eventually Paul Merton pressed his buzzer and balanced a smaller crown atop Stephen's:
--->'''Paul Merton:''' You don't have to tell me, I heard it clearing its throat earlier!
** Sir Clement Freud was given the opening subject of "Answering back" in one episode. When Nicholas finished his opening spiel about having sixty seconds to speak without hesitation, repetition, or deviation, "starting now", Clement simply replied:
--->'''Clement Freud:''' Shan't!
** Sue Perkins, upon gaining the subject "Chick Lit", gave a hilarious parody/deconstruction of the "chick lit" genre.
--->'''Sue Perkins:''' Alex is a doctor, slack jawed and ready to roll. She doesn't have a job but wants babies. Oh my ovaries are drying, must find a man, where can I go? The supermarket, I don't care. I'll travel miles because a baby will take my mind off the lack of personality that the writer has ascribed to me. He looks hot, what does he do? Is that a stethoscope? Touch me but maybe don't, because let's face it, I want to widen the audience that buys these books and pornography will simply detract from the overall theme. The... (''whistle blows as the sixty seconds are up'')
** In Dara O Briain's first episode, he gets the subject "Stiff upper lip" with fifty seconds left and immediately gets challenged for hesitation. Nicholas agrees with the challenge but decides to let him keep the subject because he's new. He starts again: "Being Irish..." Clement challenges him [[RuleOfFunny for deviation, for starting too quickly this time]]. Dara starts again: "Being Irish..." Paul challenges for repetition, but Dara says it's not his fault he didn't get to finish the sentence, prompting an argument ("So with the two words "being Irish," you've got me for hesitation, repetition and deviation"). Nicholas lets him keep the subject. Dara: "As a Paddy..." Paul then challenges for deviation for ''not'' saying "being Irish." Dara finally gets the thing off the ground with, ''"Not hailing from these shores..."'' [[ShaggyDogStory and ends up losing the subject after a sentence and a half anyway]].
** In a 1974 episode, Kenneth Williams was given the subject "Immanuel Kant", and initially spoke for 39 seconds about Kant's life and ''The Critique of Pure Reason'' until Barry Cryer buzzed him for perceived deviation. Nicholas overruled the challenge, but Kenneth complained that his train of thought had been interrupted; Clement Freud proceeded to buzz him first for deviation, then for repetition of "thoughts", with Nicholas overruling both (legitimate) challenges in the interest of letting Kenneth continue with the subject. A bewildered Derek Nimmo then buzzed in to ask first "What's happening!?", then "D'you mind if I go home?", apparently flustered by the act of the rules being set aside for Kenneth's sake. This then opened the floodgates for first Clement, then Derek, and finally Barry to buzz in with non-challenges simply because they wanted Kenneth to have extra points... then, when Kenneth was finally able to get going again, Derek ''finally'' successfully challenged him for repetition. The massive number of points he accumulated during the round was enough to hand Kenneth a rare win for the game.
** The time Tim Rice said that the way to be irresistible to women was to be "strong and silent," and gave [[{{Beat}} an example]]. This caused a lengthy argument about whether the silence in question counted as hesitation or not.
** With the subject [[SchmuckBait "The Chairman's Darkest Secret,"]] Clement appears to be weighing several options and decides on an allegation about [[ButYouScrewOneGoat a goat Nicholas keeps tied up somewhere]]. Paul buzzes: "That's no secret, we all know about that!"
** Paul saying he'd been to see Clement's "one-man tribute to RobbieWilliams," with a BriefAccentImitation of Clement saying, "Let Me Entertain You." ([[CallBack A little later]], when Clement got a subject away from him, Paul retaliated with, "Your Robbie Williams show was rubbish.")
** In the same episode, Paul says something about Nicholas's abilities as a host that causes the audience to oooh, to which he says, [[FlippantForgiveness "It's no good booing him, he's doing his best!"]]
** RossNoble's claim for the benefit of foreign listeners that [[BritishAccents his Geordie accent is "the poshest in all the land."]]
-->"Why aye, Your Majesty!" will be heard ringing across the place. "I'd very much like to enjoy one of your champion Ferrero Rochers!"

* The classic "TheJackBennyProgram" moment, supposedly the longest laugh ever recorded, came when Jack Benny, always known as a skinflint and cheapskate, is mugged:
-->'''Mugger:''' This is a stick up! Your money or your life!
-->'''Benny:''' (silence)
--> Crowd starts laughing at the pregnant pause.
-->'''Mugger:''' I said, your money or your life!
-->'''Benny:''' ''I'm thinking it over!''
--> Crowd roars with laughter
** An even bigger laugh came on [[http://www.jackbenny.org/biography/other/longest_laugh.htm the night of January 8, 1950]]. Early in the episode Don Wilson fluffed a line about newspaper columnist Drew Pearson, referring to him as "Drear Pooson". This got a huge laugh from the audience and the rest of the cast. Sensing a golden opportunity, the show's producers summoned actor Frank Nelson (the "Yeeeeeees?" guy), who was due to appear as a hotel doorman later in the episode, backstage. They gave him a new line of dialogue to deliver in place of what was in the original script. The results were as follows:
--->'''Benny:''' Say, mister...are you the doorman?
--->'''Nelson:''' Who do you think I am in this uniform...Dreeeear Pooson?
:: At this, Benny literally fell off the stage laughing and the audience went nuts while he tried to compose himself.

-->'''Lee:''' D'you know what I did yesterday? I'll tel you. I bought some milk from the shop. A couple of hours later, I bought a pasty... and I ate it. And ''then''... I had a little lie down. And ''then'', when I woke up, I went to the toilet. And ''then''... I had a cup of tea. ... d'you think that was a particularly interesting story?

--->'''William Hague:''' I was in the school choir even though I couldn't sing very well. I went on all the German trips even though I didn't study German. I went on all the R.E. trips even though I didn't study R.E. I was...\\
'''Graeme:''' I was the coach driver.

--->'''Tony Blair:''' This dome is going to opened on time and on budget, it will not be torn down, it will be a lasting asset for the country, it is a triumph in the end for confidence over cynicism, boldness over blandness, and...\\
'''Tim:''' Arse over tit.

-->''bzz-bzz, bzz-bzz\\

*** The following rendition of (spoilered because it reveals the gag) [[spoiler: "My Grandfather's ''Clock''".]] .
-->My grandfather's ''bzz'' was too large...\\

*** I can't remember which song this was -- it says it's just a 'Music Hall Medley' -- but, dangit, it had me in stitches.

*** Spoilered because it reveals the gag: [[spoiler: The actual song was "My Grandfather's ''Clock''".]]

:::and this[=:=]

::: ...a game of Mornington Crescent commentated on by Raymond Baxter, a game of Cheddar Gorge that turns into WordSalad ("While." "This." "Can." "Be." Constituted." "To." "A." "Lack." "Of." "[[LampshadeHanging Grammar]]..."), and the second page quote[=:=]
--> ''"For a show such as this to have lasted thirty years might be thought achievement enough in itself. But to have brought joy and laughter to thousands of listeners... might at least have been worth a try."''

-->'''Cherie Blair:''' I'd gone to a girl's convent school, where the nuns had always encouraged us to use all our...
-->'''Tim Brooke-Taylor:''' ... batteries sparingly.
:: And[=:=]
-->'''Cherie Blair:''' After a Christmas dinner hosted by Derry Irvin, a lot of drink had been drunk, and Tony was decidedly...
-->'''Phill Jupitus:''' ... not that picky.
:: And[=:=]
-->'''Cherie Blair:''' It was quite cold that night, and I quite like my husband, and I'm afraid to say that the Queen was...
-->'''Tim Brooke-Taylor:''' ... not up for a threesome.
:: And[=:=]
-->'''Cherie Blair:''' I never wore makeup at all until 1994, when someone said...
-->'''Graeme Garden:''' "I'm so sorry, I was trying to post a letter."

-->'''Stephen Fry:''' My bottom speaks fluent German...
:: This was as far as he was able to get before riotous laughter from the audience, the other panellists, and host Nicholas Parsons cut him off. Eventually Paul Merton pressed his buzzer and balanced a smaller crown atop Stephen's:
-->'''Paul Merton:''' You don't have to tell me, I heard it clearing its throat earlier!

-->'''Clement Freud:''' Shan't!

-->'''Sue Perkins:''' Alex is a doctor, slack jawed and ready to roll. She doesn't have a job but wants babies. Oh my ovaries are drying, must find a man, where can I go? The supermarket, I don't care. I'll travel miles because a baby will take my mind off the lack of personality that the writer has ascribed to me. He looks hot, what does he do? Is that a stethoscope? Touch me but maybe don't, because let's face it, I want to widen the audience that buys these books and pornography will simply detract from the overall theme. The... (''whistle blows as the sixty seconds are up'')

There then followed a hilarious [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKidYtLPR4E six minute]] argument in which Charlie tried (somewhat half-heartedly) to defend his and others' use of Twitter from Lee's denunciation of the service.

-->At this, Benny literally fell off the stage laughing and the audience went nuts while he tried to compose himself.

->There then followed a hilarious [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKidYtLPR4E six minute]] argument between Charlie trying (somewhat half-heartedly) to defend his and others' use of Twitter from Lee's denunciation of the service.

** In Dara O Briain's first episode, he gets the subject "Stiff upper lip" with fifty seconds left and immediately gets challenged for hesitation. Nicholas agrees with the challenge but decides to let him keep the subject because he's new. He starts again: "Being Irish..." Clement challenges him [[RuleOfFunny for deviation, for starting too quickly this time]]. Dara starts again: "Being Irish..." Paul challenges for repetition, but Dara says it's not his fault he didn't get to finish the sentence, prompting an argument ("So with the two words "being Irish," you've got me for hesitation, repetition and deviation"). Nicholas lets him keep the subject. Dara: "As a Paddy..." Paul then challenges for deviation for ''not'' saying "being Irish." Dara finally gets the thing off the ground with, ''"Not hailing from these shores..."'' [[ShaggyDogStory and ends up losing the subject after a sentence and a half anyway]].

** [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_iLElHqv-w Meta-example]]: Spike Milligan at the 1994 British Comedy Awards, [[ScrewPolitenessImASenior at the age of seventy-six]], after being given his lifetime achievement award.

--->'''Female Anouncer''': And what are little boys made of? The answer may surprise you.

* ''LumAndAbner''

* ''LumAndAbner''

--->'''MargretThatcher''' At this Conference last year, you'll remember that I said, "The National Health Service is safe with us"......\\

-->'''Bluebottle:''' You rotten swine! You have nearly deaded me -- look, my kneecaps have dropped four inches. Who made that cocktail?

::: ...a game of Mornington Crescent commentated on by Raymond Baxter, a game of Cheddar Gorge that turns into WordSalad ("While." "This." "Can." "Be." Constituted." "To." "A." "Lack." "Of." "[[LampshadeHanging Grammar]]..."), and the second page quote[=:=] ''"For a show such as this to have lasted thirty years might be thought achievement enough in itself. But to have brought joy and laughter to thousands of listeners... might at least have been worth a try."''
** Another Close Quotes one
--->'''Margret Thatcher''' At this Conference Last Year You'll remember that I said,"The National Health Service Is safe with us"......\\

* It's damn difficult to pick a single moment out of ''TheGoonShow'''s surreality -- the series was consistently funny,but [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSSGiA4f5cs "What time is it Eccles?"]] would be up there,with this one right behind:

** [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_iLElHqv-w Meta-example]]: Spike Milligan at the 1994 British Comedy Awards, at the age of seventy-six, after being given his lifetime achievement award.