History Funny / MenInBlackII

-->'''J:''' (''smiling'') You're back.\\
'''K:''' No.\\
'''J:''' Then how did you know that his head would grow back?\\
'''K:''' (''confused'') It grows back?

-->'''Kay''': Does that come standard?\\
'''Jay''': Actually, it came with a black dude but he kept getting pulled over.

-->'''Rapist:''' Hey, pretty lady. ''(licks Serleena)'' You taste good! Hey, what the-- ''(screams in horror)''\\
''(moments later)''\\

-->'''J:''' ''That’s just nasty.''

--->'''J:''' ''[flashes ID]'' Transit Authority, people. Please move the forward car of the train. We have a bug in the electrical system. ''[No one's heard him]'' YO, PEOPLE! WE GOT A BUG! IN THE ELECTRICAL SYSTEM!
--->''[Jeff immediately bites off the rear end of the car. Pedestrians scream and try moving forward]''\\
'''J:''' Now you're all running. No-no-no-no, sit down! Sit down! It's only a 600 foot worm!

--->'''J''': The City of New York would like to thank you for participating in our drill. Had this been a real emergency, y'all would have been eaten. [[TheReasonYouSuckSpeech Cuz ya' don't listen! You're ignorant!]] [[ShamingTheMob How's a man gonna come crashing through the back of a subway window- that's the problem with y'all New Yorkers! "Oh, we've seen it all." "Oh no, a 600 foot worm, save us, Mr. black man!". Now I come in, I ask you nicely to move to the next car, and y'all just sit there like...]]\\
(''[[TheyKnowTooMuch realizing his rant was violating MIB's protocol about hiding aliens from the masses, J neuralyzes them again]]'')\\
'''J''': Thank you for participating in our drill. Hopefully, you've enjoyed our new smaller, more energy efficient subway cars. Watch your step. You will have a nice evening.\\
(''neuralyzes the train conductor as he walks past, without even bothering to give him a new memory'')

--> '''Jay''': Why do you think you're so comfortable here? [[InvisibleAliens Pretty much everyone who]] [[GoingPostal works in a post office]] [[ThisExplainsSoMuch is an alien.]]

-->'''Aliens:''' Kay is back! The keeper of the light! (''chanting'') All hail K! All hail K! (''singing to the tune of "The Star-Spangled Banner"'') Oh Kay, can you see, by the dawn's early light...

(''{{beat}}'')\\
'''Aliens:''' (''chanting'') All hail Jay! All hail Jay! (''singing'') Oh Jay, can you see, by the dawn's early light...

-->'''Kay:''' (''after [[LaserGuidedAmnesia neuralyzing]] them'') [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial You did not see a room full of shiny weapons, you did not see four alien night crawlers.]] [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking You will love and cherish each other for the rest of your life.]]
-->'''Jay:''' Which could be the next 27 or 28 minutes, so y'all should get to lovin' and cherishin'. Oh, and she gets to stay up as late as she wants and have candy and cookies and cake and junk and stuff...

--> '''Frank the Pug''': (''singing "I Will Survive"''): And now you're back from outer space, I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face, I should've changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key, if I'd have known for just one second you'd be back to bother me. Go on, now go! Walk out the door...
--> '''Agent J''': Frank! Move your head inside this window, before I roll it up in there.\\
'''Frank the Pug''': (''sits away from the window'') Got it!\\
(''starts humming "I Will Survive"'')\\
'''Agent J''': (''shouts'') Frank!

--> '''Jay:''' So Laura is Princess Lauranna's daughter. (Beat) [[HalfHumanHybrid ...Did y'all - ?]]\\

--> ''(To Kay)'' No advice, ''(To Frank)'' no talking... ''(To [[DirtyOldMan Zed]])'' '''[[AllMenArePerverts hell]]''' [[{{Squick}} no]]!

--> '''Jay''': The Deneuralizer. In a few moments, transverse magneto energy will surge through your brain, unlocking information hidden deep and dormant that could hold the key to Earth's very survival.\\
'''Kay''': Okay, what's that thing?\\
'''Jay''': ....The Deneuralizer....

-->'''Newton''': (grabs a shovel) Hey, Mom?
* "Didn't your mom ever give you a UsefulNotes/GameBoy?" "''What is a Game Boy?!''" "[[TranquilFury You know what, move.]]"

--> '''Zed:''' "Take a look out that window. See those guys in black suits? They work here too. We got it covered."\\
'''J:''' "What have you got?"\\

''J stares at him''\\
'''Zed:''' "...-ish"

** Adding to the above, on top of seeming [[DissonantSerenity unbothered by a large, lecherous mugger grabbing her with ill intent,]] Serleena straight up [[SilentSnarker ''rolls her eyes'']] at him.

* The scene at the start of the second film where Serleena [[ToServeMan devours a man]] [[SwallowedWhole whole]] zigzags between being funny and being NightmareFuel. On the funny side, it comes out of absolutely ''nowhere'' -- the [[MuggingTheMonster would-be rapist]] literally appeared ''two seconds'' after she assumed her human form -- and Serleena's hot Victoria's Secret model body with a BalloonBelly is just bizarre. The nonchalant way she studies the picture again, concludes the belly has to go, and then walks back behind the bushes to vomit before walking off on her mission with her assailant's clothes is also funny. The nightmare fuel comes when it kicks in that you just saw some random person be ''eaten, digested and regurgitated'', with all the casualness of a New Yorker eating a hotdog. The funniest part is the blank, mannequin stare off into space Serleena has when being dragged into the bushes; she knows she's in no danger, and is just going along with it.

-->'''J:''' (''smiling'') You're back.
-->'''K:''' No.
-->'''J:''' Then how did you know that his head would grow back?
-->'''K:''' (''confused'') It grows back?

-->'''Kay''': Does that come standard?
-->'''Jay''': Actually, it came with a black dude but he kept getting pulled over.

-->'''MIB Customs Agent:''' Purpose of visit?
-->'''Serleena:''' Education. I really want to learn how to be an underwear model. They say I've got real potential. ''(rips open shirt; Scrad pretends to faint in awe)''

-->'''Jay:''' Wait, what are you doing?
-->'''Kay:''' I always do the driving.
-->'''Jay:''' Oh, no...
-->'''Kay:''' I remember that.
-->'''Jay:''' No, what you remember is that you used to drive that old busted junker. See, I drive the new hotness.
-->(''Jay points at Kay'')
-->'''Jay:''' Old and busted.
-->(''Points at himself'')
-->'''Jay:''' New hotness.
-->(''{{Beat}}, then Jay grudgingly hands over the keys'')
-->'''Jay:''' (Grumbling under his breath) Old, busted hotness...

--->''[Jeff immediately bites off the rear end of the car. Pedestrians scream and try moving forward]''
--->'''J:''' Now you're all running. No-no-no-no, sit down! Sit down! It's only a 600 foot worm!

--->'''J''': The City of New York would like to thank you for participating in our drill. Had this been a real emergency, y'all would have been eaten. [[TheReasonYouSuckSpeech Cuz ya' don't listen! You're ignorant!]] [[ShamingTheMob How's a man gonna come crashing through the back of a subway window- that's the problem with y'all New Yorkers! "Oh, we've seen it all." "Oh no, a 600 foot worm, save us, Mr. black man!". Now I come in, I ask you nicely to move to the next car, and y'all just sit there like...]]
--->(''[[TheyKnowTooMuch realizing his rant was violating MIB's protocol about hiding aliens from the masses, J neuralyzes them again]]'')
--->'''J''': Thank you for participating in our drill. Hopefully, you've enjoyed our new smaller, more energy efficient subway cars. Watch your step. You will have a nice evening.
--->(''neuralyzes the train conductor as he walks past, without even bothering to give him a new memory'')

--->'''Jay:''' You don't remember me, but we used to work together...
--->'''Kevin Brown:''' I never worked in a funeral home.

** When Kay removes his old watch, the aliens are upset until Jay gives his own watch.
--->'''Alien:''' Who are you, stranger?
--->'''Jay:''' Jay.
--->(''{{beat}}'')
--->'''Aliens:''' (''chanting'') All hail Jay! All hail Jay! (''singing'') Oh Jay, can you see, by the dawn's early light...

-->'''Jay:''' Let's put it on.
-->'''Kevin Brown:''' Put what on?
-->'''Jay:''' The last suit you'll ever wear... again.

--> '''Agent J''': Frank! Move your head inside this window, before I roll it up in there.
--> '''Frank the Pug''': (''sits away from the window'') Got it!
--> (''starts humming "I Will Survive"'')
--> '''Agent J''': (''shouts'') Frank!

--> '''Jay:''' So Laura is Princess Lauranna's daughter. (Beat) [[HalfHumanHybrid ...Did y'all - ?]]
--> '''Kay:''' [[ChangeTheUncomfortableSubject MIB's a mess, kid. Let's go.]]

--> ''(To Kay)'' No advice, ''(To Frank)'' no talking... ''(To Zed)'' '''hell''' no!

--->'''J''': The City of New York would like to thank you for participating in our drill. Had this been a real emergency, y'all would have been eaten. Cuz ya' don't listen! You're ignorant! How's a man gonna come crashing through the back of a subway window- that's the problem with y'all New Yorkers! "Oh, we've seen it all." "Oh no, a 600 foot worm, save us, Mr. black man!". Now I come in, I ask you nicely to move to the next car, and y'all just sit there like...
--->(''realizing he's carried on too long, J neuralyzes them again'')

--> No advice, no talking... ''hell'' no!

-->'''J:''' ''[flashes ID]'' Transit Authority, people. Please move the forward car of the train. We have a bug in the electrical system. ''[No one's heard him]'' YO, PEOPLE! WE GOT A BUG! IN THE ELECTRICAL SYSTEM!
-->''[Jeff immediately bites off the rear end of the car. Pedestrians scream and try moving forward]''
-->'''J:''' Now you're all running. No-no-no-no, sit down! Sit down! It's only a 600 foot worm!

-->'''J''': The City of New York would like to thank you for participating in our drill. Had this been a real emergency, y'all would have been eaten. Cuz ya' don't listen! You're ignorant! How's a man gonna come crashing through the back of a subway window- that's the problem with y'all New Yorkers! "Oh, we've seen it all." "Oh no, a 600 foot worm, save us, Mr. black man!". Now I come in, I ask you nicely to move to the next car, and y'all just sit there like...
-->(''realizing he's carried on too long, J neuralyzes them again'')
-->'''J''': Thank you for participating in our drill. Hopefully, you've enjoyed our new smaller, more energy efficient subway cars. Watch your step. You will have a nice evening.
-->(''neuralyzes the train conductor as he walks past, without even bothering to give him a new memory'')

-->'''Jay:''' You don't remember me, but we used to work together...
-->'''Kevin Brown:''' I never worked in a funeral home.

-->'''Alien:''' Who are you, stranger?
-->'''Jay:''' Jay.
-->(''{{beat}}'')
-->'''Aliens:''' (''chanting'') All hail Jay! All hail Jay! (''singing'') Oh Jay, can you see, by the dawn's early light...