History Funny / JessicaJones2015

-->'''Jeri Hogarth:''' We brought Inez here to keep her safe. She is not a puppet for your crusade.\\

'''Jeri Hogarth:''' It's [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Church_of_St._Ignatius_Loyola_(New_York_City) a church]]. She means "Jesus"\\
'''Trish Walker:''' Well I don't want Jesus, I want justice.

-->'''Jeri Hogarth:''' Glad to see you're enjoying my gold-leaf truffles from Switzerland.\\

--->'''Trish:''' ''This'' is ''bullshit.''\\
'''Jessica:''' Who wants to be a part of this circle jerk, anyway? (''both of them storm off, then...'') [[BaitAndSwitch I'm going in.]]

--->'''Jessica:''' Gotta say your standards ''really'' took a nosedive.

--->'''Alisa:''' [[SexlessMarriage We hadn't had sex in almost a year.]]\\
'''Jessica:''' [[TooMuchInformation I so don't... need to hear that.]]

'''Jeri Hogarth:''' It's a church. She means "Jesus".[[note]][[DontExplainTheJoke It's the location of St. Ignatius Loyola Church]][[/note]]\\

* Hogarth's choice of supplier for a gun? [[ButtMonkey Turk Barrett]]. Which is his favor to repay after she got him a lighter sentence for the charges he was facing from Wilson Fisk's operation. Notable for being the only time we've ever seen Turk ''not'' suffer some misfortune.

* After Jessica has complained about her garish new couch to her secretary earlier in the episode, her reaction when Dorothy dares to criticise it.

-->'''Jessica:''' And then there's the matter of your bill.

'''Jessica:''' Yep.\\

'''Jessica:''' [[BluntYes Yep.]] ''[sees Jeri]'' Got anything for me?\\
'''Jeri:''' I thought you didn't like or trust me.\\
'''Jessica:''' Oh come on, I meant lawyers in general.\\
'''Jeri:''' "Scumbag henchmen for corporate America?"\\
'''Jessica:''' Well...

-->'''Jessica Jones:''' [[BlatantLies It was open.]]

-->'''Malcolm:''' You look bad.\\
'''Jessica:''' I need money.\\
'''Malcolm:''' You can have my TV.\\
'''Jessica:''' ''[stares]'' Thanks, Malcolm. You keep it.\\
'''Malcolm:''' ''[{{beat}}]'' I stole it.\\
'''Jessica:''' ''[rolling eyes]'' I figured.

-->'''Jessica:''' Track... track... track... Jesus, ''more'' track.

-->'''Jessica:''' I don't give a bag of dicks what kinky shit you're into, just be into it quietly.

-->'''Jessica:''' Lady, you're a real... [[JerkassHasAPoint perceptive asshole.]]

-->'''Jessica:''' You know why I live alone?\\

'''Jessica:''' Countin' on it!

-->'''Luke:''' [[CatchPhrase Sweet Christmas.]]

-->'''Jessica:''' I really need to get some drugs.\\
'''Trish:''' Uh, graduating from alcoholism?

-->'''Jessica:''' You're early.\\

--->'''Contractor:''' Uh, this is a very broken door.\\
'''Jessica:''' [[SarcasmMode Thank you for the diagnosis.]]

-->'''Luke:''' Is it a racial thing?\\
'''Jessica:''' ''[stares at him]''\\
'''Luke:''' I'm kidding. ''[beat]'' Is it?

-->'''Jeri:''' You are coming across distinctly paranoid.\\
'''Jessica:''' Everyone keeps saying that. It's like a conspiracy.

'''Jessica:''' I couldn't hear you over that print. [[DontExplainTheJoke (She's referring to Pam's very colorful, eye-gougingly bright dress.)]]

--->'''Audrey:''' "Gifted". Stupid word. It's like calling someone "special". They're not special, they're retarded. You're not gifted, you're a freak.\\
'''Jessica:''' What have we or the mentally challenged ever done to you?

-->'''Jeri:''' You starting a support group? Will you be participating?\\
'''Jessica:''' Like I'd waste my time circle-jerking with a bunch of whiners.\\
'''Jeri:''' [[SarcasmMode Yes, you are a paragon of mental health.]]

'''Jessica Jones:''' It's more like guided falling. [pauses] Hey, I have an idea. Why don't you put on a cape and go run around New York?\\

* Jessica's first act of heroics is to save a little girl from getting run over. [[SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome Awesome, right?]] Well, it is, but Jessica happens to be wearing a sandwich costume at the time.

** And then the driver shouts "HEY! Get out of the road, you stupid sandwich!"

* In one flashback, Trish tries to show off a superhero costume for Jessica to try out:

'''Trish Walker:''' Fine. ''[tears off mask, annoyed]'' Be the Naked Superhero! That can be your alias.\\

** The plan almost is aborted because of a kid popping a balloon, causing Kilgrave to look in Simpson's direction. Jessica tries to get Simpson to abort because Kilgrave almost certainly is looking directly at him, but Simpson refuses to back off. So Jessica gets Kilgrave to turn his attention away from Simpson by shouting, "HEY SHITHEAD! OVER HERE!" And it works.

-->'''Jessica:''' You're hurt?\\
'''Luke:''' ''[just gives her a blank stare]''\\
'''Jessica:''' ... [[NighInvulnerable That was a stupid question.]]

--->'''Malcolm:''' Don't make me kick your ass.\\
'''Luke:''' ''[bemused look; "Please..."]''

-->'''Jeri:''' Were you just rude to Pam?\\
'''Jessica:''' I'm rude to everybody. Did you get Hope's meds?\\
'''Jeri:''' Pam picked them up. Yes, ''Pam'' is helping with this. ''Pam'', who has been waiting for my divorce with the patience of a saint, ''Pam'', who I want to spend the rest of my life with! ''[Pam looks up in surprise]''\\
'''Jessica:''' ''[bemused]'' Jesus, I didn't ask for your wedding vows.

-->'''Jessica:''' The dogs all right?\\
'''Luke:''' Of course they're okay. [[HeroesLoveDogs I don't hurt dogs.]]

-->'''Jessica:''' Well, I'm a piece of shit, and shit stinks.

--->'''Jessica:''' I WasJustLeaving. You didn't kick me out, I just left.

-->'''Dorothy:''' Taking you in was the worst decision of my life.\\
'''Jessica:''' Thanks, mom.

'''Jessica:''' You've never paid a goddamn tax in your life.\\

'''Jessica:''' [[ShoutOut Obi-Wan Kenobi?]]\\

--> '''Trish:''' [[SkewedPriorities I will kill you if you die in my car!]]

-->'''Jessica:''' I know it's mundane, but "Kilgrave"? Talk about obvious. Was Murdercorpse already taken?

-->'''Jessica:''' Don't listen to him, don't talk to him.\\
'''Jeri:''' Or he'll mind control me?\\
'''Jessica:''' No, because [[EvilIsPetty he's an asshole]].

-->'''Jessica:''' Dude, you lost a jacket, move on.

-->'''Jessica:''' ''[to Kilgrave's mom]'' So you infected him. Wow. I wish I had a Mother of the Year award so I could bludgeon you with it.

'''Jeri:''' [''pulls out a gun''] Stay away from me!\\

-->'''Trish:''' ''[sarcastically]'' Are you going in undercover as a corpse? You're covered in blood.\\
'''Jessica:''' Well, it's a morgue. It's not a photo shoot.

-->'''Jessica:''' Humanity sucks and they don't deserve saving.\\
'''Trish:''' Okay, so, if you could save a class of first-graders or kill Kilgrave, you'd kill him?\\
'''Jessica:''' Screw 'em.\\
'''Trish:''' Puppies?\\
'''Jessica:''' Yeah, puppies never did anything for me.\\
'''Trish:''' All right, what about nuns?\\
'''Jessica:''' They still make those?

-->'''Malcolm:''' Ruben was such a great guy. He was kind and gentle, and... I don't know what he put in that banana bread, but it was like crack. ''[{{beat}}]'' Wait, was it crack?\\

'''Luke:''' Luke Cage.\\

'''Luke:''' To kill you.\\

'''Luke:''' No. I followed her here. I thought she might lead me to you.\\

'''Luke:''' [[BluntYes Yes.]]\\

'''Luke:''' We were lovers. ''[Kilgrave looks at Luke, thinking "What the hell does Jessica see in you that she doesn't see in ''me''? So unfair!"]''\\

'''Luke:''' No. There's... something between us.\\

'''Luke:''' Yes. Then she told me ''everything''.\\

'''Luke:''' [[SincerityMode No. You screwed that up yourself.]]\\

-->'''Luke:''' "Horse fetishist in Central Park"...\\
'''Jessica:''' Nah, everybody knows about them.\\
'''Luke:''' Apparently.

--->'''Jessica:''' Look, I know that we scare you and that you've never seen anything like us, but this is a good man.\\
'''Claire:''' And you?\\
'''Jessica:''' I'm an asshole.

--->'''Jessica:''' Out of here. That's as far as I got.\\
'''Claire:''' Well, you're not taking him to my place. Been there, done that. Lost my lease.

--->'''Claire:''' I want everything to be my fault. Good or bad. Means I have some control.\\
'''Jessica:''' You don't.\\
'''Claire:''' Obviously. But it keeps me dreaming that I can change things for people. Case in point. ''[points at an unconscious Luke]''\\
'''Jessica:''' You're in total control. You're responsible for all of this and I blame you.\\

--->'''Claire:''' Take off your pants.\\
'''Jessica:''' I usually like a little more romancing.\\
'''Claire:''' ''[smirking]'' Don't we all?

--->'''Claire:''' Guess it's just harder to believe that someone would call himself "Kilgrave". I mean, why not just "Snuffcarcass"?

* To get documents regarding Jessica's time in the hospital, Trish must headline the birthday party of an employee's daughter dressed as Patsy Walker and sings the old show's theme song.
** Also, the employee's husband's reaction to Trish not being in a mood to stay family-friendly.

* Malcolm meets Trish at the Greenpoint Stages in Brooklyn, where she's about to grease the wheels with Max Tatum. She gives him her gym card and tells him to pose as her production assistant, which is basically what Malcolm does for Jessica, just on a movie set.
-->'''Malcolm Ducasse:''' [[DeadpanSnarker You mean]], "[[BeleagueredAssistant getting yelled at and ignored]]"?\\

-->'''Jeri Hogarth:''' ...[[DeadpanSnarker Do you not trust me to find my way to the conference room?]]

* The title comes from Trish's attempt at becoming a pop singer: the world premiere of her [[StylisticSuck terrible, heavily auto-tuned debut single]] with [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hn85XmyMf8 an equally terrible music video]] to accompany it. [[DamnedByFaintPraise The one good thing]] Jessica has to say about it is "took the ''It's Patsy'' theme outta my head, so there's that."

-->'''Jessica Jones:''' Still angry.

* Jessica and Trish pay a visit to a wig shop that supplied Trish with wigs when she was a child star.

** So Jessica and Trish ask around a community of homeless people for Inez Green. One old man who's missing half his teeth says that he calls her "Mean-ez [[DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment Mean]]" because she's, well, mean. He's got this pride in his tone as if it's the most clever nickname ever devised.

-->'''Dorothy:''' What a hideous piece of furniture.\\
'''Jessica:''' ''(defiantly)'' [[BlatantLies I love it.]]

-->'''Sallinger:''' ''(to the hand)'' ...do I know you?

-->'''Dorothy:''' ''(horrified)'' ... Oh, no!\\
'''Jessica:''' I know.\\
'''Dorothy:''' [[SkewedPriorities That costume is a disaster!]]

-->'''Jessica:''' ... [[ThisIsGonnaSuck So I am screwed]].

** What's hilarious is that Luke is from Harlem. Of course Hulk is the most prominent Avenger to him, considering [[Film/TheIncredibleHulk what happened last time he was in Harlem]].