History Funny / HogansHeroes

--->'''Kinch''': Oh, how about me?
--->'''Hogan''': ''[double take, {{beat}}]'' Don't be funny.

--> '''Klink:''' Is there any damage to the motor?
--> '''Schultz:''' What motor?

-->'''Newkirk''': ''[imitating a German voice]'' Hello, Adolf? Did you just see a bridge go by at five thousand feet? Ja? ''[drops the accent]'' '''''Well it had your name on it, mate!'''''

-->'''Schultz''': Who captured him, '''der Kaiser'''?

--> '''Schultz:''' Colonel, it is against the military code for an officer to strike an enlisted man!
--> '''Klink:''' Strike you? No. Shoot you, yes!

-->'''Schultz:''' Believe me, Herr Kommandant, I am a poor man. I even have no right to be fat.

-->'''Hogan''': Go out the back door.
-->'''Carter''': There is no back door!
-->'''[=LeBeau=]''': ''I'll make one!''

-->'''[=LeBeau=]''': ''[putting the last piece where it clearly doesn't belong]'' It doesn't fit.\\

-->'''Newkirk''': They call that a silent aeroplane?\\

-->'''Klink''': Hogan, would you please tell Rudolph Valentino here that he's out of uniform?

-->'''Klink''': Schultz!
-->'''Schultz''': ''He's not here!''
-->'''Klink''': Schultz, I am ordering you to advance!
-->'''Schultz''': Herr Kommandant, may I first talk with ''my'' Gypsy?
-->'''Klink''': If you can find one at the Russian Front!
-->'''Schultz''': ''[leaps to his feet]'' '''''FORWARD!'''''

--> '''Crittendon (quoting ''Merchant of Venice''):''' [[Theatre/RomeoAndJuliet What light through yonder window breaks.]]

-->'''[=LeBeau=]''': What did you do? Build your tunnel through Times Square?

-->'''Col. Forbes''': Good luck, Hogan.
-->'''Hogan''': ''[sighs as Klink starts singing '''in German''' in the shower]'' I'll need it!

-->'''[=LeBeau=]:''' Maybe they've [[BritsLoveTea stopped for tea]].\\

** The episode's climax, when Schultz plugs the gonculator into a wall outlet. [[spoiler:It explodes, and in the chaos they sneak Major Lutz down the tunnel...but leave behind a scorched German uniform, implying it vaporized him]].

* Usually when Hogan needs Klink out of the way, he scares him off with some story or distracts him with a female Underground agent. One episode however has him set Klink up with a "lovely, young, rich, lonely widow" which Klink falls for hook, line and sinker. At the end of the episode Hogan reveals that he never saw the girl and by virtue of name alone deduces that she has none of those desired qualities. [[spoiler: Cue Klink coming in with two bottles of wine and a lovely, young, rich widow in the sidecar of his bike.]]

* The crew needs to stop [[spoiler: a fake double of a friend of Hogan's from escaping from Stalag 13 to assassinate Winston Churchill.]]
-->'''Hogan''': We can't bust Robby out until [[spoiler: we're sure we have his double stopped.]]

--> ''''Hogan:''' Ol' Bubblehead's coming here?

-->'''Klink:''' When I looked out that window, I could swear I saw a chimpanzee raking in the garden.

-->'''Klink:''' That's what I thought. Well, that's it, I need to see a psychiatrist. ''[{{Beat}}]'' '''''WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!'''''

* Klink is calling Burkhalter a nasty old tub of lard and then turns around to find Burkhalter behind him. Burkhalter then cancels his leave and says "I really am a nasty old tub of lard."

-->'''[=LeBeau=]:''' Maybe they've [[SpotOfTea stopped for tea]].
-->'''Newkirk:''' I find that in very bad taste old boy.
-->'''Submarine:''' Royal Navy 371, calling Stalag 13, come in Stalag 13, over.
-->'''Hogan:''' Colonel Hogan here, glad you could read us. We were worried when you didn't answer our call.
-->'''Submarine:''' Nothing to worry about, old boy, the Gerrys have a destroyer tracking us. We've managed to give him the slip just in time for tea. (Depth charges detonate) One lump, Willaby, please.

* Klink basically summing up the entire issues he faces.

* The "Roll Out The Barrel" scene from "Top Hat, White Tie, and Bomb Sights."

** "For the first time since I've taken command here, [[BorrowedCatchphrase I want to know nothing,
''nothing''']]!""Schultz, the Iron Colonel needs a vacation."

** "For the first time since I've taken command here, [[BorrowedCatchphrase I want to know nothing, ''nothing'']]!"

*** The best pasrt is that Carter, also part of the Russian's audience, is still listening with rapt attention.

--->'''[[BlackBestFriend Kinch]]''': Oh, how about me?

-->'''Kinchloe''': The colonel ''is'' leveling with you. ''{{beat}}'' ''[sighs]'' [[BlackBestFriend Do I]] [[DeadpanSnarker look German to you?]]

--> '''Crittendon (quoting ''Merchant of Venice''):''' [[RomeoAndJuliet What light through yonder window breaks.]]

'''[[DeadpanSnarker Operator]]''': Stand by, Papa Bear. Our wires have just been crossed with TheBBC and we're getting one of those ''dreadful'' soap operas.

'''Hogan''': Yes it does. ''[PercussiveMaintenance hits it with a hammer]''\\

-->'''Colonel Feldcamp''': Capable men like yourself are deserving of a much higher rank! Which I would be happy to recommend, along with your transfer to the Gestapo, where advancement is most regular, along with certain other opportunities which come our way from time to time in the course of loyal service of the Fuhrer, which naturally is of paramount ''[turns around and sees Hogan kissing her]'' '''''I beg your pardon.''''' ''[turns back]'' Importance!
-->'''Hogan''': Enough talk! ''[fires into the floor behind them, the Gestapo men all fall down thinking they've been shot as Hogan and co. run out]''
-->'''Gestapo Mook''': After them, Colonel?
-->'''Colonel Feldcamp''': '''''After them!''''' ''[{{beat}}]'' As soon as I'm sure it's not a trap...

** Also amusing is that's ''[[HeyItsThatGuy Harcourt Fenton Mudd]]'' as the general!