History Funny / FinalFantasyIX

-->'''Amarant:''' So, two of your enemies are dukin' it out? Why not just leave 'em, and finish off the winner. My money's on kuja.

--'''Amarant:''' So, two of your enemies are dukin' it out? Why not just leave 'em, and finish off the winner. My money's on kuja.

* During the meeting when the Tantalous crew discuss how they'll perform the Princess' kidnapping, if one is stubborn enough and chooses "That's when I kidnap Queen Brahne, right?" 64 times, Ruby appears and tells him just how darn infuriating he's being, leading to an [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLu2c_pm4sg obscure-yet-hilarious moment]] that can be easily missed.

* During the meeting when the Tantalous crew discuss how they'll perform the Princess' kidnapping, if one is stubborn enough and chooses "That's when I kidnap Queen Brahne, right?" 64 times, Ruby appears and tells him just how darn infuriating he's being, leading to an [[ obscure-yet-hilarious moment]] that can be easily missed.

* During the meeting when the Tantalous crew discuss how they'll perform the Princess' kidnapping, if one is stubborn enough and chooses "That's when I kidnap Queen Brahne, right?" sixty times, Ruby appears and tells him just how darn infuriating he's being, leading to an [[ obscure-yet-hilarious moment]] that can be easily missed.

* The ''entire'' kidnapping sequence in the opening is just...amazing. At least as soon as Steiner gets involved. He starts out searching for his Pluto Knights. One is in the kitchen complaining about how hungry he is, another wants to quit to be a fantasy novelist (in a fantasy setting, no less - what would he write about, accountants?), one is hitting on a girl, and another is contemplating the moon. When you talk to the last guy he leaps up and says "FEEL MY FURY!!!!" And goes charging off after the Princess. Meanwhile, on the ship, Garnet begs Zidane to kidnap her and grasps his hands. He keeps looking up and down like he can't believe what he's holding. THEN Steiner follows them onto the ship and they have to book it out of there, but Steiner catches up and Zidane has to fight him. Blank and Cinna join the fight, and Steiner knocks Blank's hat off. Cue shower of oglops, and Steiner, Cinna and Blank running around freaking out about the bugs. Then Steiner, Zidane and Garnet all make their way onto the stage, Garnet takes over Cornelia's role, Baku drags ''Steiner'' into the acting, Steiner has epic stage fright, and then Garnet pretends to die and Steiner ''totally buys it'' for some reason. At which point Vivi [[TheresNoKillLikeOverkill rushes onto the stage and sets Garnet on fire]]. Best. Kidnapping. Ever.

!!!'''General'''

-->'''Quina:''' Kuja looks for man named Kuja. I called Kuja.
-->'''Steiner:''' RR...RUSTY!!!? I am Adelbert Rusty, Captain of the Knights of Pluto, and I will never work with you conniving thieves!

!!!'''Disc 1'''

* In the first small town you stop over in (Dali Village), the party splits off for a bit to explore the town. Zidane finds Dagger in the weapons shop, checking out a bulletin board, and there's a few seconds of both Zidane and Dagger looking back and forth like it was a tennis game, until she even realises he's there.
** Even funnier is if you activate the [=ATB=] where Dagger talks to the weapons shop owner while you're in the store and Zidane just stands in the doorway watching her right afterwards instead of standing next to her.

** Zidane "accidentally" grabbing Dagger's ass while climbing a ladder. "Ooo, soft..." To put it nicely, the lady was not amused.

---> '''Mary:''' ...I really liked your store. It had a nice atmosphere, a lot of sunlight, and a nice sign. But what made the store really special for me was...[[CannotSpitItOut the real reason I always went to your store was...]]
---> '''Jeff:''' Who is this girl?

--->'''Steiner:''' You were the reason we couldn't get through the gate!
---> (a) KILL!
---> (b) Don't kill!
*** And if you chose 'KILL', Dagger would kick him hard from inside the sack he's carrying.

!!!'''Disc 2'''

-->'''Quina''': I so hungry now. Even spiral here start to look like ice cream...
-->(Quina ''jumps'' into the swirling sandpit)
-->'''Zidane''': What are you doing, Quina?!
-->'''Quina''': So dizzzzzzzzzzy!
-->'''Zidane''': Sometimes you're so annoying!
-->(Zidane jump begrudgingly after)

* After Lindblum is invaded by [[spoiler:Alexandria, one of the female soldiers [[TheKnightsWhoSaySquee fangirls over the resident idol Lowell]].]]

-->'''Zidane''': ...It's a rag.
-->'''Cid''': (hopping angrily) You big dope! It's not just a rag <Gwok!> That is a national treasure of Lindblum! That is an ancient map of the entire world!

* When running from a monster in Fossil Roo, Garnet accidentally falls on top of Vivi. Quina stands in the doorway only to be booted forward by Zidane behind her.

--> '''Zidane:''' [[ChivalrousPervert H-have we met?]]
--> '''Garnet:''' Quit flirting with her!
--> '''Zidane:''' Yes, ma'am.

--> '''Zidane''': Hi. Have you seen a strange-looking guy here? He goes by the name of Kuja...
--> '''Robert Dogherder''': ...Ye're strange-lookin'...
--> '''Zidane''': No...You see, uh, he looks really sinister, and uh...
--> '''Robert Dogherder''': ...Ye're sinister-lookin'...
--> '''Zidane''': ...

* Dagger and Zidane ''get married'' in Conde Petie, solely to be able to pass a roadblock. Marital hijinks ensues:
** Zidane gets cold feet but Dagger is fine with it. Zidane begins to wonder if she's actually fallen for him after all, leading to this train of thought ''while they take their vows'': "Gotta admit, I was pretty deep that night in the black mage village. Maybe that's when she fell for me? I'm such a stud!"

** Zidane then learns that the reason Dagger was okay with the marriage is because she only considers them married while they're at the village, leading to several instances of him declaring themselves "newly-weds" and using pet names for her including "darling" and "my lovely wife", only for Dagger to rebuff him.

* After a deeply touching scene between Zidane and Vivi when the little black mage couldn't sleep in Madain Sari after what had happened so far, the camera pans over to Eiko, listening in on their conversation and congratulating herself for spotting what a wonderful, mature, wise paragon of a guy Zidane really is...and then, still offscreen, we overhear Zidane recommending an "age-old ritual between male friends" to calm Vivi's troubled thoughts. Eiko eagerly perks up her ears--and then the "ritual" turns out to be [[spoiler: taking a leak off a high cliff together]]. Whoops. Extra chuckles for the swiftness with which she flees in embarrassment.
* At the bottom of the Iifa Tree, Eiko drags Zidane over to her side at a ledge to look over the green sparkling pool [[spoiler: of souls]]. After a pan down to the pool and back up again, Eiko is still looking at Zidane. When Zidane notices that, she merely replies she's looking at the sparkles...in his eyes. Zidane belatedly realizes that he's now in the same spot he tends to put Garnet in when flirting with her, resolving to cut it out.
* It's probably the game animation at work, but you can catch Vivi doing a full-body WTF when [[spoiler:Eiko's personal Moogle is revealed to be ''female''.]]

-->'''Zidane:''' We know, Eiko. But if you feel like crying, just cry. \\
'''Eiko:''' I'm gonna go pray to my grandparents! I'll be right back. (''Eiko leaves'') \\
'''Zidane:''' If you need to, you can cry, too, Garnet. My shoulder's always available. \\
'''Garnet:''' Yeah, thanks. What about you, Zidane? What do you do when you need to cry? \\
'''Zidane:''' (''poses as if to glomp her again'') Oh, I get real clingy when I'm sad! \\
'''Garnet:''' (''puts her hands on her hips'') Cut it out! \\

!!!'''Disc 3'''

** It's gets funnier when looking at the party reaction to Cid's frog form. Steiner and Freya are dismayed, Eiko literally jumps in shock, Vivi chuckles to himself, Dagger stifles a laugh [[spoiler:while having become mute from shock]], and Amarant doesn't even bother to pay any attention. And Quina response? Stammers in shock upon witnessing a [[TrademarkFavoriteFood frog]] talk, and contemplates if he/she should ''eat'' it.

-->'''Zidane''': Hey Quina! Where've you been?
-->'''Quina''': Zidane! I so glad you here! This person very scary, I need help!
-->'''Grandma Pickle''': What the hell are you talking about? Do you know him?
-->'''Zidane''': Yeah, sort of...
-->'''Grandma Pickle''': Well, he's got some nerve. He ate one of my pickles without paying and tried to run off.
-->'''Zidane''': Somehow, I'm not surprised.
-->'''Quina''': She say try one, so I try one. I do nothing wrong!
-->'''Grandma Pickle''': Are you nuts? I'd be out of business if I gave out free food!
-->'''Zidane''': Take it easy. Geeze...so how much does he owe you?
-->'''Grandma Pickle''': 100 gil.
-->'''Zidane''': Tch, fine...''(Zidane pays Quina's bill)'' There, happy?
-->'''Grandma Pickle''': Just get that...''thing'' out of my sight!
-->'''Zidane''': Come on, Quina!
-->'''Quina''': Thanks, Zidane! You my hero! I follow you forever!
-->'''Zidane''': Please don't...

--->'''Grandma Pickle''': One of your boys, Zidane, told me to collect the money he owes from you. His friend ate one of my pickles without paying.
--->'''Baku''': WHAT!? Why do I gotta pay?
--->'''Grandma Pickle''': He said you'd take care of it. That'll be 100 gil.
--->'''Baku''': I'm gonna wring his neck!

--> '''Girl:''' (sotto) "Sorry, we'll talk later!"
--> '''Guy:''' "I hope you get kicked by a horse..."
* When exploring Ipsen's Castle, there's a door-sized mural you can inspect to see if it's really a secret door, whereupon the game starts adding extra actions in your dialog (Poke, Pound, Think, Rest, Try Something Drastic...) [[spoiler:Rest makes Zidane lean on the wall, ''which opens it.'']] Might count as FridgeBrilliance if you consider the reversed nature of the location (it's upside down and weaker weapons do more damage to enemies) and that casually leaning against it counts as putting the least amount of effort into wanting to pass through it. Also helps that it's the video game version of a common comedic sight gag made better by player interaction.

--> '''Hilda:''' Alright, I'll turn you back. [...] But it's going to be much worse if you ever cheat on me again!
--> '''Cid:''' I...I understand! Now turn me back!
--> '''Hilda:''' Maybe I'll turn you into a hedgehog pie.
--> '''Cid:''' Erk...P-please no!

!!!'''Disc 4'''

--> '''Vivi:''' (runs in) Grandpa!!!
--> '''Quan:''' Ah, Vivi! You...no grow much at all.

* When Zidane runs back into the Iifa Tree to rescue [[spoiler:Kuja]], he runs like mad past the thrashing roots and falls into the hollow trunk, where he finally finds the guy...then we go into bullet time as [[Film/TheMatrix the camera rotates around the both of them for dramatic pause...]]but instead of making the dramatic save, Zidane plummets the rest of the way and hits the bottom in an anticlimactic WesternAnimation/LooneyTunes puff of dust. You can just catch him trying to frogpaddle out of it before that.
** As [[spoiler:Kuja]] berates Zidane for risking his life coming back to save him, Zidane replies "wouldn't you do the same for me?" After a mutual moment of silence, Zidane reconsiders the idea and mutters "nevermind."
* ArtificialStupidity: As shown on the Awesome page, every time, by sheer luck, Ozma manages to kill itself with Doomsday. WhatAnIdiot!

* When Zidane runs back into the Iifa Tree to rescue [[spoiler:Kuja]], he runs like mad past the thrashing roots and falls into the hollow trunk, where he finally finds the guy...then we go into bullet time as [[Film/TheMatrix the camera rotates around the both of them for dramatic pause...]] but instead of making the dramatic save, Zidane plummets the rest of the way and hits the bottom in an anticlimactic WesternAnimation/LooneyTunes puff of dust. You can just catch him trying to frogpaddle out of it before that.

* Mikoto addresses the group to tell them that there's no point to them doing anything, Kuja's just destroyed a planet, and they don't even have a million to one chance to beat him and they're all going to die. The reaction? First, Mr. 24 compliments her on all the difficult words she knows. Then Zidane calls her ''his cynical little sister'' and instructs her to go make some friends. Her [[Tsundere rather indignant and flustered]] response is ''priceless''.

* Mikoto addresses the group to tell them that there's no point to them doing anything, Kuja's just destroyed a planet, and they don't even have a million to one chance to beat him and they're all going to die. The reaction? First, Mr. 24 compliments her on all the difficult words she knows. Then Zidane calls her ''his cynical little sister'' and instructs her to go make some friends.

* There's also the first staging of 'I Want to Be your Canary'. You fully expect Steiner to get stage fright when he first appears on the actual stage...but not so much his ''total freakout'' when Garnet is fake-StuffedInTheFridge.

* Escaping from the third Black Waltz makes for a cutscene that is both awesome and [[http://www.ffshrine.org/ff9/fmvshots-disc1/14-blackwaltzescape/00051.jpg hilarious.]]
* When the party first meets Cid, Steiner, disliking Oglops, [[MegatonPunch punches Cid.]]
** Then, Vivi's dialogue after walking in on them "Wow, even the oglops are big in Lindblum..."

* Cinna's punishment for ignoring Baku's orders, missing the cable car, [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking and eating South Gate Bundt Cake.]] "Take my Super Tornado Tantalus Punch!!!"

** Then he tries for the traditional "I do" kiss, which is to say he tries what can only be described as a ''glomp'', but she walks away and he falls flat on his face. "Playing hard to get, eh?"
*** Look closely, when Zidane closes in for the kiss, his tail is [[SomethingElseAlsoRises stiff straight]]. Sigmund Freud would be so proud.

*** One better, [[spoiler: Vivi]] getting married to [[spoiler:Quina.]]

* After a deeply touching scene between Zidane and Vivi when the little black mage couldn't sleep in Madain Sari after what had happened so far, the camera pans over to Eiko, listening in on their conversation and congratulating herself for spotting what a wonderful, mature, wise paragon of a guy Zidane really is...and then, still offscreen, we overhear Zidane recommending an "age-old ritual between male friends" to calm Vivi's troubled thoughts. Eiko eagerly perks up her ears--and then the "ritual" turns out to be [[spoiler: taking a leak off a high cliff together]]. Whoops.
** Extra chuckles for the swiftness with which she flees in embarrassment.

* The potion Doctor Tot mixed to turn Cid back into a human failed miserably, to say the least, and turned him into [[spoiler:a frog instead.]]
** It's gets funnier when looking at the party reaction to Cid [[spoiler: frog form]]. Steiner and Freya are dismayed, Eiko literally jumps in shock, Vivi chuckles to himself, Dagger stifles a laugh [[spoiler:while having become mute from shock]], and Amarant doesn't even bother to pay any attention.
** And Quina response? Stammers in shock upon witnessing a [[spoiler:frog]] talk, and contemplates if he/she should ''eat'' it.

* After you enter Esto Gaza, you can get Zidane to chat up a chick ''[[RefugeInAudacity while her guy is right beside her.]]''

* As the party is escaping Terra, Eiko urges everyone to rush before the place colapses. Meanwhile Amarant casually walks after the group. You'd expect him to be the last one, but after him comes Quina, who is disappointed that s/he couldn't find any yummy-yummies in this place.

* When leaving Chocobo Paradise without Choco, moogle Mene tries carrying Zidane...with less than spectacular results.

* When Zidane runs back into the Iifa Tree to retrieve [[spoiler:Kuja]], he runs like mad past the thrashing roots and falls into the hollow trunk, where he finally finds the guy...then we go into bullet time as [[Film/TheMatrix the camera rotates around the both of them for dramatic pause...]] but instead of making the dramatic save, Zidane plummets the rest of the way and hits the bottom in an anticlimactic WesternAnimation/LooneyTunes puff of dust. You can just catch him trying to frogpaddle out of it before that.

* When exploring Ipsen's Castle, there's a door-sized mural you can inspect to see if it's really a secret door, whereupon the game starts adding extra actions in your dialog (Poke, Pound, Think, Rest, Try Something Drastic...) [[spoiler:Rest makes Zidane lean on the wall, ''which opens it.'']] Might count as FridgeBrilliance if you consider the reversed nature of the location (it's upside down and weaker weapons do more damage to enemies) and that casually leaning against it counts as putting the least amount of effort into wanting to pass through it.

-->'''Grandma Pickle''': One of your boys, Zidane, told me to collect the money he owes from you. His friend ate one of my pickles without paying.
-->'''Baku''': WHAT!? Why do I gotta pay?
-->'''Grandma Pickle''': He said you'd take care of it. That'll be 100 gil.
-->'''Baku''': I'm gonna wring his neck!

* At the bottom of the Iifa Tree, Eiko drags Zidane over to her side at a ledge to look over the green sparkling pool [[spoiler: of souls]]. After a pan down to the pool and back up again, Eiko is still looking at Zidane. When Zidane notices that, she merely replies she's looking at the sparkles...in his eyes. Zidane belatedly realizes that he's now in the same spot he tends to put Garnet in when flirting with her, resolving to cut it out.

* When Zidane, Garnet, Vivi and Quina first encounter Lani, a female mercenary hired by Brahne, Zidane's first reaction? "[[ChivalrousPervert H-have we met?]]" Followed by an immediate "Quit flirting with her!" from Garnet, to which Zidane says "Yes, ma'am."

* When leaving Chocobo Paradise without Choco, moogle Mene tries carrying Zidane...with less than spectacular results.

* When Regent Cid is reunited with his wife Lady Hilda, her first response is "I don't remember marrying a toad". (She had turned him into an oglop but he got turned into a frog earlier). And when they work out their differences, Hilda hugs him saying...
--> "Oh my sweet froggy-woggy"

--->'''Zidane''': Hey Quina! Where've you been?
--->'''Quina''': Zidane! I so glad you here! This person very scary, I need help!
--->'''Grandma Pickle''': What the hell are you talking about? Do you know him?
--->'''Zidane''': Yeah, sort of...
--->'''Grandma Pickle''': Well, he's got some nerve. He ate one of my pickles without paying and tried to run off.
--->'''Zidane''': Somehow, I'm not surprised.
--->'''Quina''': She say try one, so I try one. I do nothing wrong!
--->'''Grandma Pickle''': Are you nuts? I'd be out of business if I gave out free food!
--->'''Zidane''': Take it easy. Geeze...so how much does he owe you?
--->'''Grandma Pickle''': 100 gil.
--->'''Zidane''': Tch, fine...''(Zidane pays Quina's bill)'' There, happy?
--->'''Grandma Pickle''': Just get that...''thing'' out of my sight!
--->'''Zidane''': Come on, Quina!
--->'''Quina''': Thanks, Zidane! You my hero! I follow you forever!
--->'''Zidane''': Please don't...

--->'''Baku''': WHAT!? Why do I gotta pay?
--->'''Grandma Pickle''': He said you'd take care of it. That'll be 100 gil.
--->'''Baku''': I'm gonna wring his neck!