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Funny / Final Fantasy IX

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  • Quina's inexplicable survival skills become absolutely hilarious when compiled in order: s/he falls several hundred metres while exploring Cleyra (lands safely), gets blown up along with Cleyra during Odin's bombardment (walks all the way back home), dives off a cliff in Madain Sari (fished out by Eiko), dives off another cliff in Madain Sari (swims to Trenonote ), dives off a bridge in Treno (washed up in Lindblum)...and of course, s/he manages to avoid the destruction of Terra by being the first team member to find the Invincible's lower teleporter!
    • Even Vivi lampshaded their tendency to appear at the weirdest places. "What were you doing underneath the ship in the first place?"
  • Call the moogle on the field and then decide you don't even need him, he gets miffed. Do it long enough and he tells you "I'm sharpening my knife, kupo." Continue even longer and he starts screaming "STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT! KU-PHEH!" at you. In the PS4/Steam versions, you get a trophy/achievement for doing this.
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  • Some unintentional black humor happens with the Stellazio coins. They're named after horoscope signs. Which means when you find the one in Burmecia, a little text box pops up that says received Cancer!. And then, when you hand the coin to Queen Stella...
    Queen Stella: Oh! You have cancer? Will you give me your cancer?
  • The ability to rename your characters can once again provide some unintentional humor. For example, right towards the beginning of the game, the player is expected to rename Garnet in order to disguise her royal heritage, with the suggested name of "Dagger." There is nothing but nothing, however, to keep the player from simply choosing to name her "Garnet," in which case, you get lines such as "You have to call me Garnet until we reach Treno." And then, after you name Amarant, he'll say "some people call me The Flaming Amarant." Well, have fun on the renaming with that one. (Not withstanding the fact that his original name was "Salamander.")
    • Also in Freya's case, when you first meet her, Zidane incorrectly calls her Helga, Christine, and then Ratchel. Though the player is expected to keep the name Freya or name her something else, you can instead have Freya contradict herself by naming her Helga or Ratchel (not Christine, though. It exceeds the 7 character limit).
  • If one names everyone Kuja or any names including Garland, Kefka, Rusty or so, hilarity ensues from beginning to end.
    Quina: Kuja looks for man named Kuja. I called Kuja.
    Steiner: RR...RUSTY!!!? I am Adelbert Rusty, Captain of the Knights of Pluto, and I will never work with you conniving thieves!

Disc 1

  • The entire kidnapping sequence in the opening is just...amazing. At least as soon as Steiner gets involved. He starts out searching for his Pluto Knights. One is in the kitchen complaining about how hungry he is, another wants to quit to be a fantasy novelist (in a fantasy setting, no less - what would he write about, accountants?), one is hitting on a girl, and another is contemplating the moon. When you talk to the last guy he leaps up and says "FEEL MY FURY!!!!" And goes charging off after the Princess. Meanwhile, on the ship, Garnet begs Zidane to kidnap her and grasps his hands. He keeps looking up and down like he can't believe what he's holding. THEN Steiner follows them onto the ship and they have to book it out of there, but Steiner catches up and Zidane has to fight him. Blank and Cinna join the fight, and Steiner knocks Blank's hat off. Cue shower of oglops, and Steiner, Cinna and Blank running around freaking out about the bugs. Then Steiner, Zidane and Garnet all make their way onto the stage, Garnet takes over Cornelia's role, Baku drags Steiner into the acting, Steiner has epic stage fright, and then Garnet pretends to die and Steiner totally buys it for some reason. At which point Vivi rushes onto the stage and sets Garnet on fire. Best. Kidnapping. Ever.
    • Don't forget the part where Steiner reaches the top of one tower and wonders where the princess is...only for Garnet to show up in the background on the top of another tower, being chased around in comedic circles by Zidane. Then, when Garnet and Zidane swing down to the airship on pennant ropes, Steiner nearly falls off his tower in shock, then ties a rope to his own waist and goes sailing like a rusty superhero after them. Topping it off, his facial expression and the pinwheeling arms when he realizes his aim is off is beautiful. And then he crashed into the airship.
  • In the first small town you stop over in (Dali Village), the party splits off for a bit to explore the town. Zidane finds Dagger in the weapons shop, checking out a bulletin board, and there's a few seconds of both Zidane and Dagger looking back and forth like it was a tennis game, until she even realises he's there.
    • Even funnier is if you activate the ATB where Dagger talks to the weapons shop owner while you're in the store and Zidane just stands in the doorway watching her right afterwards instead of standing next to her.
    • Garnet pretends to act like a normal country girl when she meets an old farmer woman. She catches an oglop and the woman remarks that most girls hate them so Garnet squeals theatrically and throws it up in the air.
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    • Zidane "accidentally" grabbing Dagger's ass while climbing a ladder. "Ooo, soft..." To put it nicely, the lady was not amused.
    • There's also the bit when Vivi and Garnet go into a combined Heroic BSoDnote . Goes from serious to funny when Zidane's reaction basically boils down to "blow all this for a bag of chips" and drags them along as he makes a run for it.
      • To elaborate, they hear people coming so the screen goes to black with a speech bubble from Garnet saying "Eek!" and when you return, Zidane is dragging Vivi by the hand and has Garnet hooked under the other arm.
    • As a continuation of the above event, the three of them getting packed up in a barrel. Steiner shortly runs into that barrel, and hearing noise coming from inside, he decided to poke it with his sword. The way Zidane jumps out of the thing afterward, you might think he got poked somewhere sensitive. Zidane immediately retaliates with a Goomba Stomp...on Steiner's head.
  • Any scene where Steiner proves just how ineffectual he is outside of combat; ideally the funniest is when he questions Morrid about the cargo ship arriving at Dali and tries to loosen his lips by threatening him with eviction. Morrid calls his bluff easily, and Steiner resorts to wringing his hands and whining "Tell meeeeeeee!" The scene becomes doubly funnier in the Steam version if you enable turbo mode to speed up Steiner's hand flail animation to ridiculous speeds.
  • Escaping from the third Black Waltz makes for a cutscene that is both awesome and hilarious.
  • When the party first meets Cid, Steiner, disliking Oglops, punches Cid.
    • Then, Vivi's dialogue after walking in on them. "Wow, even the oglops are big in Lindblum..."
  • An Active Time Event has Vivi learning about the Festival of the Hunt from shopkeeper Alice. She just says they release a load of animals every year, and Vivi gets excited and runs off.
    Alice: What could be fun about fighting savage beasts. Wait...did I say 'animals' again?"
  • Worth noting in the prologue to the Lindblum Hunting Festival is the overly enthusiastic monster breeder who actually yells "Go, Zaghnol!"
  • How does Zidane convince Vivi to enter the Festival of the Hunt? Offering to set him up on a date with Garnet - cue the princess with hands on her hips. Later when Garnet and Steiner are watching the festival, Garnet is surprised that Vivi is entering since he had "seemed so reluctant earlier".
    • Steiner gets so incredibly into the Festival, while Garnet just covers her eyes the whole time.
  • Also worth noting is the scene in which Garnet drugs the rest of the party with Sleeping Weed so she and Steiner can escape. Steiner initially begins to fall unconscious with the rest of them, before Garnet points out that she did not put any in his food. His reaction is something along the lines of "...oh hey, look at that, I'm fine." It's pretty safe to say that any scene involving Steiner on the first couple of discs is bound to be a Funny Moment.
  • Garnet convinces Steiner to ditch the team with her and leave Lindblum for Alexandria, and he ends up smuggling her through South Gate in a duffel bag. When looking for a place to let her out, Steiner finds himself having to talk to this woman, who's actually part of a Homage to the Tanabata legend as she's infatuated with the shopkeeper at the opposite end of the mountain tram. You're given two options, to console or not console. If you actually choose console, Steiner would respond with "What good is it to bemoan what has already happen?". Garnet's response to this dickish answer was to kick him hard from inside the duffel bag.
    • It gets funnier if you check on how the couple are doing immediately after.
      Mary: ...I really liked your store. It had a nice atmosphere, a lot of sunlight, and a nice sign. But what made the store really special for me was...the real reason I always went to your store was...
      Jeff: Who is this girl?
    • In the same scene, Steiner meets a worker who has been intentionally cutting corners and is responsible for the party having south gate closed on them earlier. Upon realizing this, the following thought box/choice occurs (doesn't make a difference, but still funny as all get out):
      Steiner: You were the reason we couldn't get through the gate!
      (a) KILL!
      (b) Don't kill!
      • And if you chose 'KILL', Dagger would kick him hard from inside the sack he's carrying.
    • Garnet's bright idea to keep the bag from being inspected? Fill it with foul smelling gyshal pickles. Let no one say the woman is not willing to make sacrifices...
  • If you stop by Chocobo's Forest as Zidane while heading to Burmecia, he will ask if a pretty girl came through, and the moogle says no, but that an ugly girl did. Come Garnet's interlude after you beat Gizamaluke, and we hear Steiner complimenting the princess for helping him fight monsters with her white magic, and helping ignore the obnoxious moogle in Chocobo's Forest...
  • How your team enters the Burmecian Palace: Freya leaps fifty metres into the air and onto a balcony (Goddamn Dragoons...); Zidane climbs a statue to reach the windows; Vivi tries to follow but trips and falls flat on his face; and of course, Quina loses interest and waddles off to look for food.

Disc 2

  • After having a hard time finding 'yummy-yummies' in Cleyra, Quina ends up near the antlion pit.
    Quina: I so hungry now. Even spiral here start to look like ice cream...
    (Quina jumps into the swirling sandpit)
    Zidane: What are you doing, Quina?!
    Quina: So dizzzzzzzzzzy!
    Zidane: Sometimes you're so annoying!
    (Zidane jump begrudgingly after)
  • Watching the Cleyra Dance on the PS4/Steam version with the game sped up has the dancers move at the increased speed while the music plays at its original speed, making the scene look hilarious as a result.
  • Cinna's punishment for ignoring Baku's orders, missing the cable car, and eating South Gate Bundt Cake. "Take my Super Tornado Tantalus Punch!!!"
  • After Lindblum is invaded by Alexandria, one of the female soldiers fangirls over the resident idol Lowell.
  • Zidane suggests various ways for Garnet, Vivi and himself to travel to the Outer Continent to look for Kuja, only for Cid to shoot down every single method of transport; Brahne's forces took the only airship that can fly without Mist, and even the harbour was taken over. Zidane is understandably frustrated.
    Zidane: "Ahhhhhh!!! What do you want us to do!? Swim!?"
  • When handed the map of the world by Cid:
    Zidane: ...It's a rag.
    Cid: (hopping angrily) You big dope! It's not just a rag <Gwok!> That is a national treasure of Lindblum! That is an ancient map of the entire world!
  • The scene with Queen Brahne and the two bounty hunters, Lani and Amarant. Lani tries to walk up to the queen, only to be stopped by one of the guards, and arguing with her until Brahne tells the guard to let her through. While this is going on, Amarant walks up to the guard on the other side, who tries to block him like the first one did Lani...and Amarant simply shoulders her aside and keeps walking without missing a step.
  • When running from a monster in Fossil Roo, Garnet accidentally falls on top of Vivi. Quina stands in the doorway only to be booted forward by Zidane behind her.
  • When Zidane, Garnet, Vivi and Quina first encounter Lani, a female mercenary hired by Brahne, Zidane's first reaction?
    Garnet: Quit flirting with her!
    Zidane: Yes, ma'am.
  • Zidane tries questioning a random Conde Petie villager about if he's seen Kuja, only to discover that his line of questioning is getting him nowhere fast.
    Zidane: Hi. Have you seen a strange-looking guy here? He goes by the name of Kuja...
    Robert Dogherder: ...Ye're strange-lookin'...
    Zidane: No...You see, uh, he looks really sinister, and uh...
    Robert Dogherder: ...Ye're sinister-lookin'...
    Zidane: ...
  • As the party prepares to leave Black Mage Village to head for Conde Petie, Vivi comes running up, saying that the other black mages asked him to see the world and tell them about it. Zidane quips that he was hoping he'd get some quality time together, at which point Quina comes running up, saying that s/he'd starve if they left him there.
    Zidane: Oh yeah, I forgot about you...
  • Dagger and Zidane get married in Conde Petie, solely to be able to pass a roadblock. Marital hijinks ensues:
    • Zidane gets cold feet but Dagger is fine with it. Zidane begins to wonder if she's actually fallen for him after all, leading to this train of thought while they take their vows: "Gotta admit, I was pretty deep that night in the black mage village. Maybe that's when she fell for me? I'm such a stud!"
    • Then he tries for the traditional "I do" kiss, which is to say he tries what can only be described as a glomp, but she walks away and he falls flat on his face. "Playing hard to get, eh?" Look closely, when Zidane closes in for the kiss, his tail is stiff straight. Sigmund Freud would be so proud.
    • Zidane then learns that the reason Dagger was okay with the marriage is because she only considers them married while they're at the village, leading to several instances of him declaring themselves "newly-weds" and using pet names for her including "darling" and "my lovely wife", only for Dagger to rebuff him.
      • One better, Vivi getting married to Quina.
      Quina: happy...
  • Eiko's cooking. The whole scene requires you to make several choices. Every choice you make has an effect on the scene, and no matter what you do it always ends in some hilarious way. It's funny on its own, but the thing that makes it a Crowning Moment is that it's so pointless - the entire scene is meaningless, none of the choices have any lasting effect on the game, and it's pretty clear the developers were just yanking your chain.
  • In the same sequence, if you participate properly in the Active Time Events, one of the village moogles may end up fishing Quina out of the sea...
    Eiko: Pale...White hair...Strange clothes...Zidane told me about you! You're Kuja!
  • After a deeply touching scene between Zidane and Vivi when the little black mage couldn't sleep in Madain Sari after what had happened so far, the camera pans over to Eiko, listening in on their conversation and congratulating herself for spotting what a wonderful, mature, wise paragon of a guy Zidane really is...and then, still offscreen, we overhear Zidane recommending an "age-old ritual between male friends" to calm Vivi's troubled thoughts. Eiko eagerly perks up her ears—and then the "ritual" turns out to be taking a leak off a high cliff together. Whoops. Extra chuckles for the swiftness with which she flees in embarrassment.
  • At the bottom of the Iifa Tree, Eiko drags Zidane over to her side at a ledge to look over the green sparkling pool of souls. After a pan down to the pool and back up again, Eiko is still looking at Zidane. When Zidane notices that, she merely replies she's looking at the his eyes. Zidane belatedly realizes that he's now in the same spot he tends to put Garnet in when flirting with her, resolving to cut it out.
  • It's probably the game animation at work, but you can catch Vivi doing a full-body WTF when Eiko's personal Moogle is revealed to be female.
  • In Madain Sari, this entire exchange:
    Zidane: We know, Eiko. But if you feel like crying, just cry.
    Eiko: I'm gonna go pray to my grandparents! I'll be right back. (Eiko leaves)
    Zidane: If you need to, you can cry, too, Garnet. My shoulder's always available.
    Garnet: Yeah, thanks. What about you, Zidane? What do you do when you need to cry?
    Zidane: (poses as if to glomp her again) Oh, I get real clingy when I'm sad!
    Garnet: (puts her hands on her hips) Cut it out!
    Zidane: Hey, I was serious.

Disc 3

  • In Alexandria, there's a young man at the Heroine Statue looking for a girl that apparently was supposed to meet him there. Walk around to the other side, you'll find a young woman wondering what's taking him so long to show up.
  • While looking for the potions in the Business District in Lindblum, you have the option of asking NPCs about the potions. One man says this: "Dammit Jim! I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker! Ask somebody else!"
  • The potion Doctor Tot mixed to turn Cid back into a human failed miserably, to say the least, and turned him into a frog instead.
    • It's gets funnier when looking at the party reaction to Cid's frog form. Steiner and Freya are dismayed, Eiko literally jumps in shock, Vivi chuckles to himself, Dagger stifles a laugh while having become mute from shock, and Amarant doesn't even bother to pay any attention. And Quina response? Stammers in shock upon witnessing a frog talk, and contemplates if he/she should eat it.
  • Then there's what happens when Quina arrives in Lindblum and runs into an old woman selling pickles. S/He gets into major trouble when s/he has no money to pay. If Zidane comes to fetch Quina before going on the Blue Narciss, this scene occurs:
    Zidane: Hey Quina! Where've you been?
    Quina: Zidane! I so glad you here! This person very scary, I need help!
    Grandma Pickle: What the hell are you talking about? Do you know him?
    Zidane: Yeah, sort of...
    Grandma Pickle: Well, he's got some nerve. He ate one of my pickles without paying and tried to run off.
    Zidane: Somehow, I'm not surprised.
    Quina: She say try one, so I try one. I do nothing wrong!
    Grandma Pickle: Are you nuts? I'd be out of business if I gave out free food!
    Zidane: Take it easy. how much does he owe you?
    Grandma Pickle: 100 gil.
    Zidane: Tch, fine...(Zidane pays Quina's bill) There, happy?
    Grandma Pickle: Just get that...thing out of my sight!
    Zidane: Come on, Quina!
    Quina: Thanks, Zidane! You my hero! I follow you forever!
    Zidane: Please don't...
    • As if that isn't entertaining enough, Developers' Foresight is in effect during the scene. If you don't have enough gil in your inventory to pay (basically, you have to go a shop and use it all up), then Zidane tells Grandma Pickle that Baku will pay the debt. Cue the Active Time Event "Give Me My Money," in which Grandma demands the money from Baku.
      Grandma Pickle: One of your boys, Zidane, told me to collect the money he owes from you. His friend ate one of my pickles without paying.
      Baku: WHAT!? Why do I gotta pay?
      Grandma Pickle: He said you'd take care of it. That'll be 100 gil.
      Baku: I'm gonna wring his neck!
  • After you enter Esto Gaza, you can get Zidane to chat up a chick while her guy is right beside her.
    Girl: (sotto) "Sorry, we'll talk later!"
    Guy: "I hope you get kicked by a horse..."
  • When exploring Ipsen's Castle, there's a door-sized mural you can inspect to see if it's really a secret door, whereupon the game starts adding extra actions in your dialog (Poke, Pound, Think, Rest, Try Something Drastic...) Rest makes Zidane lean on the wall, which opens it. Might count as Fridge Brilliance if you consider the reversed nature of the location (it's upside down and weaker weapons do more damage to enemies) and that casually leaning against it counts as putting the least amount of effort into wanting to pass through it. Also helps that it's the video game version of a common comedic sight gag made better by player interaction.
  • When Regent Cid is reunited with his wife Lady Hilda, her first response is "I don't remember marrying a toad". (She had turned him into an oglop but he got turned into a frog earlier). And when they work out their differences, Hilda hugs him saying..."Oh my sweet froggy-woggy". Then as she's about to undo the curse on Cid:
    Hilda: Alright, I'll turn you back. [...] But it's going to be much worse if you ever cheat on me again!
    Cid: I...I understand! Now turn me back!
    Hilda: Maybe I'll turn you into a hedgehog pie.
    Cid: Erk...P-please no!
  • The party is splitting up into groups to conquer the elemental Shrines. Zidane has paired Amarant with Freya, leading him to complain "Why do I have to go with her?" Zidane asks if he'd rather have gone with Eiko, to which he has no response other than to shut up.
  • As the party is escaping Terra, Eiko urges everyone to rush before the place collapses. Meanwhile Amarant casually walks after the group. You'd expect him to be the last one, but after him comes Quina, who is disappointed that s/he couldn't find any yummy-yummies in this place.

Disc 4

  • The Black Mage at the item shop attempting to explain commerce to a Genome, who wants to know why there are items on display and is told that they are exchanged for money. When the Genome asks what "money" is, the Black Mage just goes "Uhh...."
  • Mikoto addresses the group to tell them that there's no point to them doing anything, Kuja's just destroyed a planet, and they don't even have a million to one chance to beat him and they're all going to die. The reaction? First, Mr. 24 compliments her on all the difficult words she knows. Then Zidane calls her his cynical little sister and instructs her to go make some friends. Her rather indignant and flustered response is priceless.
  • When leaving Chocobo Paradise without Choco, moogle Mene tries carrying Zidane...with less than spectacular results.
  • If you visit Quan's Dwelling with Quina and Vivi, you'd get an extra scene involving the spirit of Vivi's grandfather.
    Vivi: (runs in) Grandpa!!!
    Quan: Ah, Vivi! grow much at all.
  • When Beatrix and the Alexandria fleet come to the gang's rescue while they're flying into the Memoria, Zidane remarks to Steiner "Quite a woman you fell in love with". Steiner replies "you're one to talk" and cue Garnet with hands on hips.
    • Just before that, Beatrix suddenly turning Tsundere when the Pluto Knights start chatting about her and Steiner.
  • There's a scene in Memoria where Quina thinks s/he's drowning to death only to realize that s/he's not and is actually swimming through the air. Gravity Ensues and s/he fall flat on his/her face.
  • When Zidane runs back into the Iifa Tree to rescue Kuja, he runs like mad past the thrashing roots and falls into the hollow trunk, where he finally finds the guy...then we go into bullet time as the camera rotates around the both of them for dramatic pause... but instead of making the dramatic save, Zidane plummets the rest of the way and hits the bottom in an anticlimactic Looney Tunes puff of dust. You can just catch him trying to frogpaddle out of it before that.
    • As Kuja berates Zidane for risking his life coming back to save him, Zidane replies "wouldn't you do the same for me?" After a mutual moment of silence, Zidane reconsiders the idea and mutters "nevermind."
  • Artificial Stupidity: As shown on the Awesome page, every time, by sheer luck, Ozma manages to kill itself with Doomsday. What an Idiot!!


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