History Film / ColonelKwiatkowski

* NoodleIncident: Almost all of the characters lived through some truly gruesome events during the war that are only barely mentioned without further details, like Krysia being in a forced labour camp and losing her parents there or the officer from Lida surviving in Kazachstan by eating manure and apparently both Kwiatkowski and Dudek were in [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Home_Army the AK]]. Even the boy who Kwiatkowski saves from the UB prison was taking part in one of the boodiest skirmishes of the [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warsaw_Uprising Warsaw Uprising]] and miraculously survived that.

** The priest. After Kwiatkowski proves he's not mocking anyone with his desire to [[spoiler: marry Krysia in a church]] and saves the organist from prison, the priest stands on Andrzej's side when the partisants suddenly show up and talks some sense into them, using nothing but his authority of a priest against a band of armed soldiers.

** Kwiatkowski, when impersonating the vice-minister is this for the highly incompetent, corrupt and brutal UB. His instructions for local bureaus are a swift balance betwen being more humane and in the same time still effective as StateSec.

-->'''Kwiatkowski''': (points his gun at a non-cooperative doctor) This is my medical diploma! If you are going to oppose me any more, I'm going to first shoot your left ear and then the right one. I love precission shooting!

[[caption-width-right:320:[[CatchPhrase And remember - I was never here in the first! place]]]]

It is 1945 and the Soviet occupation of Poland has been complete for some time. Captain Andrzej Kwiatowski, a gynecologist-turned-surgeon, has been given a vacation with a help of one of his grateful patients, a colonel in the UB - StateSec for the forming [[UsefulNotes/Poland PRL]]. While on leave, he takes a GirlNextDoor to a date at a fancy hotel. Ending up punching a drunk Soviet colonel, to save his skin he demands an instant call to the Minister of Security, pretending to be a high-ranking security officer himself. This audacious act proves spectacularly successful. HilarityEnsues as Kwiatkowski continues to use his sharp wit and the Communist NewSpeak to skillfully turn its intended meanings inside out and manipulate the unwitting Party faithful to do his bidding, while helping out all sorts of people who have run into difficulty with the new regime.

It is 1945 and the Soviet occupation of Poland has been complete for some time. Captain Andrzej Kwiatowski, a gynecologist-turned-surgeon, has been given a vacation with a help of one of his grateful patients, a colonel in the UB - newly formed Polish StateSec. While he is on leave, he takes the GirlNextDoor on a date at a fancy hotel. Ending up punching a drunk Soviet colonel, to save his skin he demands an instant call to the Minister of Security, pretending to be a high-ranking security officer himself. This audacious act proves so successful that he finds it useful for any number of purposes. HilarityEnsues as Kwiatkowski uses his sharp wit and the Communist NewSpeak to skillfully turn its intended meanings inside out to manipulate the unwitting Party faithful to do all his biddings, while helping all sorts of people who have run into difficulty in the new regime.

* ActuallyPrettyFunny: When Dudek is facing the medical commission to see if he is fit to be a soldier, he has a very hard time not to crack up, fully aware the three doctors in it are doing their best to get him out of military and toying with the political officer in the commission. The moment castration is mentioned, he almost chokes.

-->[[spoiler: They've could send some hot-head that would shoot you on site]].
* BasedOnATrueStory: The film ends with such disclaimed, but Kutz never openly declared ''which'' story it was. There were at least few similar people to Kwiatkowski in Poland and other details match non-Polish examples of ImpersonatingAnOfficer scams and pranks.

* BecauseYouWereNiceToMe: Strongly implied with Colonek Kizior. [[spoiler: He - [[UnreliableExpositor supposedly]] - leaves Krysia alone just because Kwiatkowksi could fuck up his face, but didn't]]. The true irony of this kicks in when you recall Kwiatkowski openly declared right after the surgery he would stitch Kizior's nose to his forehead if he only knew he was operating on an UB Colonel.
* TheBet: Krysia goads Kwiatkowski into rescueing the boy from a prison in form of a bet. If he manages to do that, she will [[spoiler: fall in love with him]].
-->'''Krysia''': (much later, when the bet gets invoked): I'll never again bet with you.

** [[spoiler: The UB officer from the opening, colonek Kizior. The movie wisely downplays his importance by having an AllStarCast, so Adam Ferency doesn't stand out at all in what appears to be a minor role]].
** The lowly sergeant lending Kwiatkowski the jeep. [[spoiler: He's the one who busted the whole charade, trying to trace the colonel who took the car]].
* DeadpanSnarker: As a coping measure for the reality she lives in, Krysia developed this attitude somewhere during the war. Meanwhile, Kwiatkowski is a StepfordSnarker, always hiding his true emotions under the facade of cool, cheerful guy that never, ever shows his despair. [[spoiler: Not even when being captured by UB]].
* FlashedBadgeHijack: Subverted, as Kwiatkowski signed all the forms and legally took a Willis jeep from a military unit. It's the only time when he signs anything. [[spoiler: It eventually leads to his undoing, as the sergeant who leased the vehicle started to snoop around where the hell is the colonel and the car]].

* HandsomeLech: After all, the whole plot kicks in solely because Kwiatkowski wants to have sex with Krysia. She even points out there is something of a cheap lady-chaser in him.
* ImpersonatingAnOfficer: Kwiatkowski is but a captain. But it's not him pretending to be a colonel, but a fictional ''vice-minister'' that is the entire point of impersonation.

-->'''Colonel Kizior''': [[spoiler: I'm just reading your diary. Excellent, fascinating read, asking for an action movie (...) You should be an actor]].
* MayDecemberRomance: Before the war, Krysia was still a very young teen, while Kwiatkowski already had a well-established practice as a doctor. There is at least 15 years of difference between them, if not more. Kondrat was 46 and Dancewicz 27 when playing their respective roles.

* OnlyOneName: Kwiatkowski is Andrzej, Dudek is Mandfred and the UB officer surname is Kizior. Good luck remembering those on first watch, as each of them is named only once, going under surname or rank for the rest of the movie.
* OpenHeartDentistry: Downplayed, since Kwiatkowski is a trained doctor with military surgeon experience, but his specialisation is still in gynecology.
* PrecisionFStrike: After realising there is nobody but him to do the surgery, Kwiatkowski has a truly epic outburst, being the only time when he lose his cool during the entire film.
* ProperlyParanoid: Colonel Kizior doesn't even swallow his meds without reading first what they are, fully knowing everyone hates UB and there are plenty of people that would gladly kill him any given chance.
* RealityHasNoSubtitles: When Kwiatkowski chews out the Russian soldiers looting furniture from presidental villa, no subtitles or other translation is provided. The dialogue is still understandable in Polish, thou.

** The priest. After Kwiatkowski proves he's not mocking anyone with his desire to [[spoiler: marry Krysia with a church wedding]] and saves the organist from prison, the priest stands on Andrzej's side when the partisants suddenly show up and talks some sense into them, using nothing but his authority of a priest against a band of armed soldiers.

** [[spoiler: All the explits would run smoothly and with no problems, including fooling a real vice-minister... but Kwiatkowski is found out when he didn't return the Willis jeep he borrowed early on, causing a sergant quartermaster to start searching for him]].

* SpitTake: Dudek, when he hears Krysia doing a "confidential" phone call to local UB office, anouncing Kwiatkowski's surprise visit there as a vice-minister.

* SurvivorGuilt: Krysia shows a bit of it early on, losing her parents during the war.
* SuspiciouslySpecificDenial: When Kwiatkowski is trying to get out of the military, he plays it around the fact he's a gynecologist and thus wasting as a military surgeon, when there are countless rape victims that need professional help now that the war ended. Cue his commanding officer getting all red-faced and SuddenlyShouting "Red Army doesn't rape!". Thing is - Kwiatkowski didn't mention at all who did the raping.
* TechnoBabble: The three doctors pretending Dudek has some sort of STD making him unfit for military service. Since the political officer present in the commission is the only non-medic, he gets easily fooled by their autority.
* VillainWithGoodPublicity: Invoked few times by different charactes about Kwiatkowski's actions. All what he achieves in the end - all the good deeds - go on the UB account.
* WhatHappenedToTheMouse: Wacek and his band of partisants. Last time we saw them, they've "visited" [[spoiler: the new-wed, the priest talked some sense into Wacek and... it remains unknown if Kwiatkowski warned them about the incoming ambush with two batallions of regular army send after the small band]].

* BecauseYouWereNiceToMe: Strongly implied with Colonek Kizior. [[spoiler: He - [[UnreliableExpositor supposedly]] - leaves Krysia alone just because Kwiatkowksi could fuck up his face, but didn't]]. The true irony of this kicks in when you recall Kwiatkowski openly declared right after the surgery he would sew Kizior's nose to his forehead if he only knew he was operating on an UB Colonel.

* BlackComedy: While the subject of the movie is dead-serious, the way how the story is told tries to cast at least some light into the grim-darkness of stalinist Poland and the brutality of UB.

** [[spoiler: All the explits would run smoothly and with no problems, including fooling a real vice-minister... but Kwiatkowski is found out when he didn't return the willis jeep he borrowed early on, causing a sergant quartermaster to start searching for him]].

* StateSec: Urząd Bezpieczeństwa (Bureau of Security), the Polish version of stalinist SecretPolice. It had its own ministry ''and'' what could qualify as separate military branch, the Korpus Bezpieczeństwa Wewnętrznego (Internal Security Corps).

It is 1945 and the Soviet occupation of Poland has been complete for some time. Captain Andrzej Kwiatowski, a gynecologist-turned-surgeon, has been given a vacation with a help of one of his grateful patients, a colonel in the UB - newly formed Polish StateSec. While he is on leave, he takes the GirlNextDoor on a date at a fancy hotel. Ending up in a fist fight with a drunk Soviet colonel, to save his skin he demands an instant call to the Minister of Security, pretending to be a high-ranking security officer himself. This audacious act proves so successful that he finds it useful for any number of purposes. HilarityEnsues as Kwiatkowski uses his sharp wit and the Communist NewSpeak to skillfully turn its intended meanings inside out to manipulate the unwitting Party faithful to do all his biddings, while helping all sorts of people who have run into difficulty in the new regime.

* OpenHeartDentistry: Downplayed, since kwiatkowski is a trained doctor with military surgeon experience, but his specialisation is still in gynecology.

* RealityHasNoSubtitles: When kwiatkowski chews out the Russian soldiers looting furniture from presidental villa, no subtitles or other translation is provided. The dialogue is still understandable in Polish, thou.

* TechnoBabble: The three doctors pretending Dudek has some sort of STDI making him unfit for military service. Since the political officer present in the commission is the only non-medic, he gets easily fooled by their autority.

* HandsomeLech: After all, the whole plot kicks in solely because Kwiatkowski wants to fuck Krysia. She even points out there is something of a cheap lady-chaser in him.

!!Pułkownik Kwiatkowski provides examples of: